Why do people with children seem so miserable!?

[MAK93]

So a serious question & no offence intended, but as I don’t have children but looking to start a family, it’s really pickled me.

I always see/hear people complain about having children, how hard it is, how they don’t get time for themselves, how it affects relationship with their partner, how their life feels mundane & without purpose (other than being a parent).

I know most people talk about the bad & not necessarily the good, especially on MN.

But it really is betrayed in such a negative way that it makes me wonder why people continue to do it, surely it can’t be as bad as some make it seem?

Interested to maybe here parents explain if they have felt like this but the other side to the situation (positive one!), or if it was a phase, if you regret it in hind sight or is it really not as horrible as I keep reading

Not miserable, never that, my kids are the best thing I ever did. Stressed, stressed, stressed though which I suppose could look like misery.

I think on forums people feel it's a safe place to vent and moan when they're feeling fed up or overwhelmed. I'm sure for the majority of people
it's just a snapshot of their lives. Also, some people have more help with their kids, some people have more challenging kids, some people have other problems going on and kids aren't always to best to alleviate stress, normally the opposite 😂, some people are fortunate to have more money and can do more things with their kids or pay for a babysitter if they need a break etc, etc, so everyone's family lives pose different challenges.

On that note, for someone wanting to become a parent what tips would you all give, in relation to anything a first time Mum would not find from normal sources? TIA If you can, spend time with people and their kids (tricky at the moment) but people who will behave honestly and normally around you, not people who will be all nicey nicey best behaviour. I had no idea what it would be like, I thought it would be all hallmark moments and unconditional love.

The difficulty is, you don’t really know how you’re going to find parenting until you do it and by then it’s too late to change your mind! A lot of it is hard and exhausting and ime it only gets harder. Babies are a breeze compared to teenagers!

You just can’t predict how it’s going to work out. I would say prepare for the worst and hope for the best!

it makes me wonder why people continue to do it

Because once you have a kid it's socially unacceptable to abandon them (or eat them like some species).

Before you have them, you cannot possibly get it so you do it regardless.

Then you are stuck in it.

It can be tiring obviously, and it has its bad parts like any life choice.

But I know what you mean OP. I always think when I read the following, very common post - a litany of complaints describing how their life is so miserable, they are depressed, they wish they never had kids, and then "to make matters worse, I'm so tried as I'm pregnant with dc3". Or even "it's making it hard as I'm TTC dc3"!

OP I agree I don't have kids either but it appears to be in real a life too people constantly say 'don't have kids' it's really weird - people don't say that about other choices in life so much so why this one?

I honestly think a large percentage of people regret their kids tbh. Not all but a good proportion and I think it is mainly men, but then women as a result of the man not pulling his weight (out of regret)

Babies are a breeze compared to teenagers!

Oh my god, yes. As a mum of a teen girl, I couldn't agree more.

Read ‘Zagazoo’ by Quentin Blake OP. That’s a fairly accurate reflection of parenting ime.

I'm not miserable, neither are the parents I know. Stressed maybe at times but not miserable. I have a great life and my dd9 is an absolute joy who makes me laugh all day. No drudgery here.

Women who talk about how misersbld parenting is are generslly the ones who chose shitty fathers for their kids, IME. If you have a genuinely equal relationship and choose to take equal responsibility for parenting, it is a fantastic experience.

Fear for their futures.

And the guilt for bringing them into a world where the news can seem overwhelming with Covid, terrorism and climate change.

I had no idea what it would be like, I thought it would be all hallmark moments and unconditional love.

But pizza did you really think that? If so, how? Had you not accessed any media at all? How old are your kids? For the last 20 years at least, you can't open a newspaper, get online, or watch TV without seeing or reading about the crap side of parenting. I don't think I've ever read anything suggesting parenting is all hallmark moments.

I love being a mother, yes there have been challenges but so far it's been, on balance, 100% worthwhile.

It's unusually hard at the moment though with schools closed and trying to work from home. I felt pretty desperate about parenthood last night after an awful first day. So I would take a lot of parents' feelings right now with a grain of lockdown-related salt. Hopefully it will never, ever be like this again.

There are a few things I feel that go on here.

1. If you love motherhood and it’s all going swimmingly - you absolutely cannot brag about it because some people hate it and they’ll be inanely jealous and bitch you out.

2. it’s almost ‘trendy’ to tell people your just constantly tired and running on empty and don’t have time to sit down and eat because the kids are just waaaaay too wild.

3. people just love to fucking moan.

I have a kid; I’m not biased as I know there others out there that think the same about their kid; but she’s incredible. She sleep a dream - of course she has bad nights but even then, who cares? A few bad nights doesn’t make for an unhappy life.
I have time to cook all our meals from scratch every day (I love cooking anyway), I love playing with her and bonding with her. She’s wild and obviously a toddler has way more energy than I do but it’s so much fun.

Yet; somehow when someone asks me what it’s like having a kid.. my automatic ‘don’t say anything they won’t believe’ response comes in and I respond with ‘tiring!’ - it’s not everyone is just too scared to love being a mum because you’ll be judged for it.

Depends how old you was when you had children. I'm a rgn but had my oldest whilst at university she is now 11. She sits in her room on her ipad TV on chrombook on and doesn't really want much. The 6 year old is a little character whom is lovely. I couldn't imagine my life without them. And as for holidays ' we go every year. The younger years are hard

Some people are miserable some aren’t. Some people take to parenthood like a duck to water, others have a rockier time. I had PND and have been forever changed by it, I’m better now but I’ll never be the same. Parenthood is amazing but obviously people don’t go on and on about that because they’d look like a dick. Online people are usually finding support so the threads are skewed towards the negative. It’s a relentless grind. Relentless. Just giving and giving and giving and you know that’s what it’ll be like but the reality is tiring. So there’s so much love and amazement and fun but it’s also a slog.

Nobody tells you the truth about being a parent.

We still live in a world where women are expected to be broody and desperate to have children.

I slept walked into having kids. We got married and moved abroad so we had kids because I'd already given up my job.

The first year with babies is hard (for me) but once sleep resumes it all feels fine.

I had three kids in 4 years. Because I thought I was past the "hard part".

Parenting is tough for a year, but it doesn't end there. Being responsible for a person for 18-21 years is hard.

I love my kids but on reflection I'm not the best parent. My childhood doesn't lend itself to being a natural parent and I have no clue what I'm doing.

People don't think enough about marriage or having kids. We sleep walk into it without proper consideration.

I hope I can do right by my kids but I'm not sure I'll ever be capable of being the parent they deserve x

@LouJ85 why oh gosh give me the heads up. Other than asking her a question tonight and getting "why do you need to know" she's 11

@FlyNow

I had no idea what it would be like, I thought it would be all hallmark moments and unconditional love.

But pizza did you really think that? If so, how? Had you not accessed any media at all? How old are your kids? For the last 20 years at least, you can't open a newspaper, get online, or watch TV without seeing or reading about the crap side of parenting. I don't think I've ever read anything suggesting parenting is all hallmark moments.

My kids are teenagers and I feel I have to say that I do love them to bits, but life is so fucking dull and I'm counting the days till they go off to uni.

I genuinely did have that picture in my head. I was the first of my bunch to have kids so had never been round them. My own childhood was pretty shit with domestic violence aplenty and I met a lovely bloke and thought we'd be the Waltons or something, I don't know. I never did things like mumsnet before I had kids, I was so serious in my career, life was just work and parties and more work.

It’s bloody hard work. And tiring! I can only speak as a mum of a 1 year old and a 3 year old so haven’t had the pleasure of older kids just yet, but parenthood is relentless. I miss being able to sleep as long as I want, exercise freely or do things at the drop of a hat (although Covid has had some input into that demise this year!). I think wistfully of the days when I didn’t have someone calling “MUMMYYYY” to me 24hrs a day.
But I honestly wouldn’t change it. They give me purpose and fill my day with love and laughter. Exasperation sometimes too but the good times definitely outweigh the bad. I said to DH the other day I was so glad we had our children before the pandemic. I can imagine life would be very boring without them.

There are so many variables, right from how pregnancy goes. I used to have to blink back tears when I saw how much support other families were offered from GPS, we had none. I was very isolated during my first maternity leave. I think the lack of support I had from anyone during my first maternity leave changed my personality and made me a little "hard" to be honest. I'll be brutal, I hated hated hated the early years, I loved them but hated being a mum. However after the age of 6 it got better and better and now I'm in my element.

I do see lots of threads on here though where women have essentially become slaves to their wider family. They speak of no time alone, constant requests and multiple children despite it being so draining. After a certain age kids don't need to peck their mum's heads with requests, they can get their own snacks and drinks, find their own stuff, pack their own bags etc etc. I was always very clear as well that they would need to entertain themselves for at least some of the time, and they do. I'm a quiet person who needs a lot of quiet time, kids love their own space too. They probably do have too much screen time but it saved my mental health. My niece is not allowed any screens and is played with constantly, she's full on and quite destructive as she gets way too much 1:1 constant adult interaction and it's completely draining. My friend has 4 DC's who literally never leave her alone, and she panders to every request as it's easier just to "give in". Pecky, demanding, fussy children are not created in a vacuum.

Some people have great experiences of parenthood. There are no guarantees in life but I think being honest about yourself and planning rather than stumbling into parenthood make a positive experience more likely. I have had a very positive experience and genuinely loved the experience especially when child under 10. Teenage years more challenging but nothing extreme and still rewarding. I knew that I didn’t want to have to work full time with small children. Looked like complete drudgery to me and my job was too demanding. I’d have had no mental or physical headroom and I knew myself well enough to know I wouldn’t be happy. So we waited until we were in a financial position for me to be part time and I was very lucky that work and relationship accommodated that.

There is a lot of drudge work in having children. Think about all the bring things that you have to deal with in your life at present - housework, laundry, cooking, early mornings etc. Then times that by 2 (at least). Add in sleep depravation and constant background noise of screaming and peppa pig. It's 24/7. It doesn't stop even when you are ill, or tired or whatever. 24 hours a day responsibility for the rest of your life.

That said, I doubt anyone regrets it. Because the live you have for them is immense. It really is.

It's the best of times, it's the worst of times I guess.

I love being a mum - not something l planned but found myself pregnant and thought will go with it but had no expectations- having a baby was the best experience of my life.....roll on 9 years and sometimes l crave peace and quiet but think that is because l knew a baby needed me 24/7 whereas a 9 year old is a bit more self sufficient but not all the time if that makes sense