Why do people with children seem so miserable!?

[MAK93]

So a serious question & no offence intended, but as I don’t have children but looking to start a family, it’s really pickled me.

I always see/hear people complain about having children, how hard it is, how they don’t get time for themselves, how it affects relationship with their partner, how their life feels mundane & without purpose (other than being a parent).

I know most people talk about the bad & not necessarily the good, especially on MN.

But it really is betrayed in such a negative way that it makes me wonder why people continue to do it, surely it can’t be as bad as some make it seem?

Interested to maybe here parents explain if they have felt like this but the other side to the situation (positive one!), or if it was a phase, if you regret it in hind sight or is it really not as horrible as I keep reading

Like pp have said, you don't come here to say how great your kids are. Likewise, most men on here are complete tits.

Having kids is hard. Especially if your life was pretty much as you liked it before. It's especially hard if you both work full time and always feel like you're failing somewhere. And if you don't get much sleep for the best part of a decade.

Then sometimes it all goes well and you're kind of in harmony, then other times you can please anyone and you want to shout:"but what about MEEE?" But you can't cos you're an adult, so you just say:"fuck this, I've had enough. I'm going to bed to read".

@ApplesandAnimals I agree with you people don’t tell you that side of the things you mentioned. I’m not sure it would be any use though because parenting is something you find out yourself and like you say it depends how it goes for you.

It’s interesting some describing parenting as drudgery I wouldn’t go that far at all personally. Apart from when DS wasn’t sleeping and I had a difficult time with milk and feeding.

I think everyone has a tough stage.

especially on MN

MN is an advice forum. People come on here to try and solve issues. Just by its very nature its going to be swayed towards the negative.

I think part of it is in this country (UK) and in this age especially it's more demanding in some ways than it used to be. The cost of living even basically is extremely high and of course having kids puts even more financial strain on you. And also it isn't like in the past when kids used to play out for many hours almost every day and entertain themelves, parents feel a lot more worried for their safety and they are inside a lot more together (even more so during the pandemic of course). Then of course there's the fact that you have less time and energy to spend on yourself which is why it's importanrt to try and find this at least a little bit, should get easier as they get older. I don't have children these are just my own observations.

The drudgery. It is joyful but it does feel a bit like the labours of Sisyphus at times. You push the boulder up the hill, it rolls down and you push it back up again. For what feels like eternity but actually passes more quickly than you'd like.

Fwiw, though, I reckon I'd have been more miserable throughout lockdown had I not had a small child. Small children ground you in a way that it is difficult to explain. Treats are much more moderate. For example, a walk with a friend and a takeaway coffee is an immense treat even in normal times so there isn't really the same feeling of missing out for me (except not seeing family). With older children, though, I imagine it is tougher. I would have hated to be a student or in my 20s living in a flatshare at this time, it would have felt so lonely.

@zoemum2006 Haha I see your point.

I totally get that you hear more about negatives because people don’t want to show off but do need to vent.

But when you’re wanting to start a family the negatives seem overwhelming to read! I haven’t seen a post like this thread, explaining the struggles but also stating the positives! So I’m glad I asked!

On that note, for someone wanting to become a parent what tips would you all give, in relation to anything a first time Mum would not find from normal sources? TIA

From experience having children is hard. It's also great fun and very rewarding most of the time.

More to the point is that people like a good moan. I can imagine the reaction I'd get if I turned up to a playgroup bragging/posted on Facebook about how fantastically well my day with 2 small children is going. Much more acceptable (and sometimes funny) is to reminisce about how I got poo'd on in the bath last night and have had about 12 minutes sleep

Some people are miserable, some are not urs life

I have a 14 week old who has had a fair few issues. I’m utterly exhausted, my diet has just been restricted and I haven’t left the house in two days. And last night I spent two hours just staring at my son asleep in my arms and if I didn’t NEED to sleep I would do it all the time.

He’s amazing, he’s magic, he’s the best thing I’ve ever done in my entire life and I wouldn’t trade him for the world. Being a parent is tough, it’s 24/7 for years. But as someone who didn’t want kids and wasn’t maternal, he’s the best thing I’ve ever done or ever will do. Xx

I think a lot depends on the kind of person you are. I don't like to be needed. I like my own space and I'm a bit of a roamer. I felt horribly constrained by having young kids and resented ALWAYS being the one they wanted. Especially after giving so much of myself in work.
I never get why people mourn the passing of small childhood; i prefer them now they're more independent and can have better conversations. The Minecraft years nearly did for me completely.

@MusicalTrifleMonkey
This makes me really happy reading your comment! So glad for you ❤️

I'm happy! I even enjoy home schooling at the moment! But sometimes you just need some adult, child free time, and it can get very repetitive when they're little - same favourite toys, games songs etc!
All parents need to vent but it doesn't mean they don't live their children very much and cherish the moments with them.

However, if you are taking your research from reading threads on MN, people post when they are seeking help / when they are struggling with something, so that is why you read about the difficult aspects. They don't post when they are laughing or otherwise having fun.

This.

My DCs are teenagers. It's fantastic to see the people they are growing into, and I love having them in my life.

But they argue like cat and dog, I'm sick with worry about the effect of all the Covid shit on them (their education, loneliness etc), and they can be so stroppy its unbelievable (classic Kevin the teenager).

When I had a cancer scare last year, my ONLY worry was for them. Its so weird that, whilst moaning about them slamming doors and treating my like a skivvy, I would also lay down my life for them without a thought.

Parenting is a very strange thing!

My parenting experience of DD14 so far has been a mixed bag of fun, joy, laughter, pride, and immense worry and stress. Literally all of those mixed, at different times, for different reasons. That's parenting. Ultimately, overall, I love being a mum.

The only side you'll read about on here is the hard stuff because people come here for advice, as others have pointed out.

There's any variables which affect your experience too.

If you have..

Healthy, nt, reasonably good natured, compliant children.

A supportive partner

Family support

Money

If you have all these things,it will be a breeze.

Only a couple...you'll manage.

None of them... you're in for a rough ride.

When you look at your child, whatever age they are, to think that you created them is amazing! Biologically or not, you have influenced their opinions, likes, dislikes, attitude etc. The responsibility can be overwhelming sometimes, but it's all worth it.

I can never understand women who say having a small child is boring, and much too stressful,and has stopped them enjoying their daily lives. Why did they have a baby,as its obvious that a new little life,will need the utmost attention for quite a while. I don't ever remember getting stressed and unhappy when my two children were born and thereafter.
People should have bought a little robot baby, instead of having a real baby,if they can't cope with little infants.

@MAK93

You asked: On that note, for someone wanting to become a parent what tips would you all give, in relation to anything a first time Mum would not find from normal sources? TIA

1. Talk to your partner before you get pregnant. Decide (as far as possible) what kind of division of labour you're both happy with. Do you want to work full time and have him do his share of the household chores or do you want to be a SAHM or part time? Will he be happy to be more finally responsible.

To me the most important thing is being on the same page as your partner. It will save a lot of grief in the years to come. One of the biggest problems I've noticed is husbands suddenly treating you like the maid.

I've never felt that way. Being a mother is the best thing ever.

On that note, for someone wanting to become a parent what tips would you all give, in relation to anything a first time Mum would not find from normal sources? TIA

Keep your expectations realistic, keep a sense of humour and embrace the chaos.

@Bitbusyattheminute

I think a lot depends on the kind of person you are. I don't like to be needed. I like my own space and I'm a bit of a roamer. I felt horribly constrained by having young kids and resented ALWAYS being the one they wanted. Especially after giving so much of myself in work. I never get why people mourn the passing of small childhood; i prefer them now they're more independent and can have better conversations. The Minecraft years nearly did for me completely.

Ooh this with bells on. To be completely honest, I think I would have been happier not having kids. If I'd known what parenthood was actually like, I wouldn't have done it.

People should have bought a little robot baby, instead of having a real baby,if they can't cope with little infants.

And how exactly would they have known, in advance of having infants, how stressful it might be for them?

I've loved 99% of being a parent
But it's not always fun and laughter. Kids can be hard work and sometimes worrying about them or for them is part of the deal.
You're always allowed to have a moan or a vent, it doesn't make you ungrateful or love them any less.
Even if your road to parenting has been really difficult or unusual, you're still allowed not to be perfectly happy and content all the time.

Because it fucking hard work it’s constant & sometimes they are little shits who test you too the bloody max & you just want to drop kick them into another planet! Can you tell homeschooling is a delight ....