Why do people with children seem so miserable!?

[MAK93]

So a serious question & no offence intended, but as I don’t have children but looking to start a family, it’s really pickled me.

I always see/hear people complain about having children, how hard it is, how they don’t get time for themselves, how it affects relationship with their partner, how their life feels mundane & without purpose (other than being a parent).

I know most people talk about the bad & not necessarily the good, especially on MN.

But it really is betrayed in such a negative way that it makes me wonder why people continue to do it, surely it can’t be as bad as some make it seem?

Interested to maybe here parents explain if they have felt like this but the other side to the situation (positive one!), or if it was a phase, if you regret it in hind sight or is it really not as horrible as I keep reading

I find it very hard. But if I'd known what my life would be I'd still do it all again.

DS1 is very difficult and demanding. Finally diagnosed with ADHD and dyspraxia aged 9 (plus a couple of other health issues) - this explains 90% of his "annoying" side and also why he didn't sleep through the night until he was 7.

DS2 is wonderful. Can be stubborn. Didn't sleep through until he was 3 and still wakes regularly aged 6.

I'm not miserable. I'm exhausted, stressed and i am trying to do my best for these wonderful boys.

I have also never had so many hugs, kisses and compliments in my life. My boys adore me and tell me daily Im the best mummy in the world and they love me. For years I couldn't sit down without a little boy snuggling on me. I'm told my cooking is the best and delicious. I'm proud of their snall and large achievements. I enjoy playing games with them, going cycling and swimming with them. Holidays with them.

Lockdown, WFH and homeschooling is a nightmare. But they are so happy to be with us that it pulls me through.

OP, I recommend getting the book 'I'm ok, you're a brat' by Susan Jeffers. It spells out all the pros and cons. Many, many cons spelled out for you and explained in detail.
It has really helped me as a mother of two who doesn't feel fulfilled by motherhood. It explains why which helps me process the negative feelings and the horrible feeling of being trapped.

I suppose MN is an anon forum, maybe people feel comfortable to get some things off of their chest that they wouldn't feel comfortable doing 'in person', and don't feel the need to post about the positives. I don't feel miserable, but some days are hard (especially at the moment) as it is for everyone no matter what circumstance, and I had crappy days before being a mum as well! I would say my happiness is overall higher, but definitely think if I had more than one child that would turn to misery quite quickly.

I think like has been said here that people don't realise the extent of the drudgery, the intense responsibility which is heavily policed by society and the authorities, and the fact that the relentlessness can leave very little time for your own ambitions and personal development. It's hard to suck that up because it goes against our innate drive to move forward.

Just want to clarify a few things.

The title of the thread is blunt to entice traffic, I’ve stated clearly numerous times I don’t want to cause any offence, also that I understand people come here to vent etc & I’m not branding all parents as miserable.

I’m only a member of this forum, I’m also female so asking for a perspective of a mother, not a father as that’s what I’ll be, I’m not trying to be sexist in anyway 🙄

I appreciate it was going to be a hot topic & didn’t expect this many responses to be honest! But it has really helped explain things, because you don’t get honest opinions like this all the time. I would just point out to people assuming I’m being a judgmental person with no children. I feel like some people think I’m looking at a minority of posts & you really have to search for the negativity around being a parent, whether it’s the lifestyle/husband/children etc but I’ve read so many it’s overwhelming, it seems to be the first topic that comes up!

Again I’m really not judging but as I’ve said I’m hoping to start a family & I feel like this doesn’t get talked about! Usually you hear, it’s hard work but worth it & that’s about it. So I was just after some more detailed opinions from honest women (and men if there happens to be any 😂)

Again thanks for all the responses, I have read them all!

P.S overall I don’t think I’m that miserable as some people have stated 🤷🏻‍♀️ But do have my moments 😝

Also to add I obviously understand the importance of making a decision to be a parent (if I can!) & I was just a little scared, when you really want something but also wonder if you’re cut out for it! As many people have said once you’ve had children you can’t send them back! So the honest comments here have genuinely helped!

When we started a family I knew I would have:

a modest amount of money- not a lot to splash about, but no real fears of e.g. homelessness or not being able to eat

I hoped I would have:

a supportive partner- and yes, that bit certainly came true, and not just supportive, but one who absolutely saw himself as an equal parent and parenting to be shared between us

healthy NT children- that one, sadly, did not come true, as it turns out I am the carrier of a gene that can lead to both physical disability (including chronic pain) and MH issues

I knew I would be limited as to:

family support (both sets of parents living far off and one set elderly and frail- but both sets emotionally supportive and loving, which did actually count for a lot)

I think it is fair to say that all the hard bits have been in some way connected to disability and illness. Having said that, it has still been worth while, my disabled dd (now adult) gets a lot out of life, and I can see that I have made a difference to that.

@MAK93

Also to add I obviously understand the importance of making a decision to be a parent (if I can!) & I was just a little scared, when you really want something but also wonder if you’re cut out for it! As many people have said once you’ve had children you can’t send them back! So the honest comments here have genuinely helped!

It's a shame some have misread your intent OP, remember some people might project their own feelings on to your question!

Still, it's a good question and you're doing more research than most. Remember that 1 in 6 pregnancies in U.K. are unintended and "45% of pregnancies and one third of births in England are unplanned or associated with feelings of ambivalence."

Sometimes the act of planning makes you more ready - there's a lot to be said to going in to a situation with awareness rather than "eyes wide shut"!

Good luck!

[quote LouJ85]@Plussizejumpsuit
@glassacorn

You are both making the point that hearing others' experiences and looking after others people's kids give you insight to the challenges of being a parent to your own. It absolutely does not, not fully. It may give you some idea of the practical reality, through the window or a snapshot anecdote of someone else's life.
It doesn't tell you about the emotional and psychological reality for you - which is so deeply personal, and something you can only know truly after your baby is born and your relationships with your own child develops. [/quote]
I didn't say fully! I said to get an idea of. Of course not, that would be like saying after playing a flight simulator game on PS that I can fly a plane. ☺️
But it does give you an idea.

@tootsytoo @knockeduplockeddown
Yes, I've heard it described as the "game of top tired or not tired"! 😂

The simulation thing also differs from family to family.

I think I'd say that my background prepared me very well. I grew up in a culture where children are very much included (so the onus is on the parents to train them to behave). I had younger siblings, one of whom I looked after a lot (entirely voluntarily). I had parents who talked a lot about children, about their own childhood experiences, about tricks they themselves or their parents or grandparents had used to get children to cooperate. I had looked after nieces and nephews for shorter periods, and spent time living in the same house as young families. We even had compulsory child development classes at school. I had one sibling with trauma in his past, who had quite spectacular meltdowns and needed a lot of handling, I learnt a lot from how my parents balanced that with the need of bringing him up to behave, and with the needs of his siblings. I was always interested in how people did this.

Of course it's never entirely the same- but I didn't feel the step was that far from my little brother to my own children.

We were the last of our friendship circle to start a family. The impressions we also got of parenthood were extremely negative. No-one had anything positive to say other than 'It's such hard work but it's worth it' - other than that it was all rather negative comments about behaviour issues or sleep issues or feeding problems or lack of time for interests and/or career etc etc. As I result when I discovered I was pregnant (unplanned but we'd been married for 4 years and were always planning to have a baby at some point...) I was initially ambivalent.

However when my wonderful amazing DC came along I was immediately smitten and the bond was and is so strong. That bond overrides everything - the sleep deprivation, the tedious aspects of parenthood especially in those early cluster feeding and nappy changing stages.

But....my DC is healthy thank God. I have a loving husband who is a dedicated father, pulls his weight with housework and is supportive of me. We aren't rich by any means but live day to day comfortably (touches wood furiously). I also have family support from my wider family. As a previous OP said, this all makes a difference.

BeFore children I was always the single relative who would babysit, read endless stories, play games, I was fun Auntie.

But having my own children? It's relentless. 24/7 and your sleep often interrupted by screaming. If I can muster half an hour of fun mum it's an achievement. Fun auntie loves when you recount a joke or story, it's a novelty. But mum is a relentless harpy who just wants you to put on your f**king school shoes.

But, as much as I whinge about my children, they are also the most rewarding special little people and I wouldn't change them for the world.

Well, apart from pre-8am 😎

Haha thanks guys.

Last few comments have been great to read & more reassuring, I know everyone experience is different but it’s nice to here some more good!

I can relate to a lot of you with regards to being the fun Auntie, always branded myself as that 🤣 I’m sure my sister & sister in laws will love when I have a kid to get their own back!

Sorry if it’s been mentioned already by PP but I would add another variable that I think affects everything which is the health of either or both parents, either physical or mental.

Also the health of the wider family and if you find yourself having to provide additional support for other members of the family who are hit by serious illness or old age.

The brunt of caring work is often shouldered by women more than men. It’s the times when yet another boring bit of housework or physical care or mental load is added that make it hard to parent the way that you would like, and then follows the guilt and grieving for the dream you had.

Having said that, it’s a very profound thing to experience maternal love for a child and I feel extremely lucky to have that experience. My world now revolves around my child. I was sometimes lonely before I became a parent and I am not lonely now.

I sometimes hear from people who are child free by choice and it’s certainly possible to be fulfilled in living that way if it’s their choice and that’s what they want.
I just know that I would always have felt the lack of child in my life, I did feel it before, and I wouldn’t forgo parenting to avoid any of the tough times (or stress, exasperation, boredom, ick, etc)

My child feels almost like a part of myself that has somehow separated from me and taken on a will of its own!

OP,

I don't know the answer to your question, but for me personally, the idea of becoming a parent seemed like a surefire way to quickly ruin my life, so I'd imagine for some people they do the whole having kids thing simply because they still feel it's a societal norm, and it's only once the kids arrive they actually realise their lives have altered so significantly that they no longer have the time or means to do any of the things that make it worthwhile.

From witnessing close relatives who did have children at the rough stage in life I would have had mine, I can say that the things they complain about, and what I see looking in from the outside just confirms my suspicion about what becoming a parent would have meant for me, so I think that in some cases, for some people, having children does absolutely ruin their lives. It's no wonder there are miserable parents as a result.

I absolutely love being a parent, the best thing I have ever done and my biggest achievement. I adore them so much and genuinely fell deeply in love with all of them at birth. I have found that I’m much fitter , more toned and motivated to do things since having my children. Each day I laugh and can’t believe how lucky I am to me their mum. My dh is a fantastic dad and husband and we work very well as a team.
However I didn’t sleep properly for 6 YEARS!!!! For 4 of those one of my dc woke on average every 45 mins screaming , we tried absolutely everything, sleep training , osteopath, allergy tests , doctors , co sleeping , different foods, blankets etc etc etc , they just didn’t sleep....
My first dc slept relatively ok so it was so incredibly difficult and I had no family support at all.
This is just to demonstrate that you can love being a parent and adore children but find 4 hours broken sleep extremely difficult, not difficult but absolute torture. Everyone talks as though the baby bit is hard and then they all sleep fine after a year , I had no idea it could take years.
I have to say I also found one baby an absolute walk in the park!
Now I have three and they all finally sleep , my youngest is almost 4 and me and my dh are 36 so back running and sleeping and spending wonderful time with our gorgeous dcs.

Fwiw I found it the total opposite op , nobody told me sleep deprivation could go on years or how hard it can be sometimes. When someone doesn’t get to sleep regularly this has a huge impact on your physical and mental health. I can’t believe I got through it tbh. I’m so happy I had my dcs and at a relatively young age but people have to be able to be honest about it. I found my friends didn’t want to know and were the types to act like any issues were the parent’s fault or cause they weren’t “chilled”. Unfortunately “chilled” and severe sleep deprivation don’t mix! They are all pregnant with no1 or ttc no 1 now and I say nothing but I’m glad mn exists as a space to vent or ask for others honest experiences.

[quote BringPizza]@Sausagessizzling there are some lovely memories, and mostly they're ok to be around but they don't give me any sense of fulfilment and I genuinely get nothing from parenthood. Honestly, in my own case I think I'm just emotionally withdrawn and too independent, I hate people needing me, I hate being controlled.[/quote]
What on earth possessed you to have children if you hate people needing you!?

Like everyone else, parents are sometimes handed a bad deal unexpectedly . I didn't start off as a single parent, but now I am one and I guess sometimes I moan that its hard.
This time last year I had a high flying career and ds enjoying a variety of extra curricular activities I would have told you life was great ! , now I've got a crap job thanks to covid,and I have to homeschool ds. So sometimes you might catch me in a miserable mood (like the thread I started the other day haha)

OP. You are completely right to ask this question, and you are also correct that there are so many miserable bastards on here. I know you didn’t actually say that, but I understood where you are coming from. We are also starting a family and having our 1st child April. We are married and have our own home, so this was the main stumbling block initially, as wanted to provide that stable relationship and solid base for any child we bring into this world. We have travelled a lot of the world and do so much clubbing, it will make you’re ears bleed, but now is the time for us to settle and start a family. We are still going to have time to ourselves and make sure we have a meal out together every now and then. Whilst we understand our lives will change, we certainly will still have a life. Thankfully we have great parents, who will be willing to baby sit occasionally. I think if you have a solid relationship, good family and an income that’s sufficient to provide for a family, I see no reason why you can’t live a fantastic life with a new family. We can’t wait to start our new family. Good luck OP.

Because you love them more than anything else in the whole world. I have never and will never love anything or anyone more than my children. That makes it worth it.

Also they may be hard work but there are loads of good times aswell.

Also the inbuilt drive to procreate. We are animals after all.

I love being a mum. I heard exactly the same as youve stated from everyone when i was pregnant.
Alongside 'youre never going to sleep again, you'll never have any money, say goodbye to your holidays and weekends away' etc.
None of that changed, we just have a third wheel living in our gaff now

What on earth possessed you to have children if you hate people needing you!?
No-one ever did before.

Because we are shattered it’s bloody hard work!

In all honesty I think it’s much harder than most people actually think it is. It’s a balancing act!

Having children is hard work. Mothers are, if they are lucky, rewarded with a flush of oxytocin, the bonding hormone when their baby is born, or as time goes by with the baby.
That flush wears off but sadly the female human is expected by society to keep it going indefinitely.