Why do people with children seem so miserable!?

[MAK93]

So a serious question & no offence intended, but as I don’t have children but looking to start a family, it’s really pickled me.

I always see/hear people complain about having children, how hard it is, how they don’t get time for themselves, how it affects relationship with their partner, how their life feels mundane & without purpose (other than being a parent).

I know most people talk about the bad & not necessarily the good, especially on MN.

But it really is betrayed in such a negative way that it makes me wonder why people continue to do it, surely it can’t be as bad as some make it seem?

Interested to maybe here parents explain if they have felt like this but the other side to the situation (positive one!), or if it was a phase, if you regret it in hind sight or is it really not as horrible as I keep reading

My childless colleagues and friends are no happier, although they manage to stay awake later I observe.

Parents are miserable because they are humans living in the 21st century in an advanced industrialised economy with very high rates of mental ill health and dissatisfaction.

@Tblock

Thanks for your reply, I’m glad you can see where I’m coming from without being offended 😅

We brought to our own home last year & although we’re not loaded, we are very lucky & think we could manage fine on our current wages, I think we’d also be okay on just my partners wage. I’ve looked into finances for maternity etc & that’s all fine, lucky my works maternity pay is pretty good! Also thanks to COVID I work from home & it’s permanent now, so opens more doors with work after baby arrives (if I’m lucky enough!)

We have a really good solid relationship, I know my fiancé will be an amazing dad & he’s pretty good with share of housework, although I will admit I kind of like being more in charge of things, my way or the high way haha! We’re engaged & I always wanted to be married before children, but so the everything going on we’ve delayed plans. There is a chance we’ll have a low key wedding late summer this year, depending on restrictions 🙄

I feel like I have your outlook on things! I’m also very lucky that my Mum is only on the next village & retired early, she’s said she’s definitely happy to help! DF parents aren’t too far either!

I’m excited but currently in the phase of reading & researching everything! Which is a good & bad thing I think haha!

I love my children more than DH, myself, anyone. I'm not even maternal and didnt want kids in the first place.
Atm - and I cant see past anything else - it is bloody hard working at home with schools closed. Not so much the practical aspects (which are major contributors to the misery of course) but it hurts me so much because I know every day at home is adding to the detriment of my kids, not just my sanity. My DS became really angry all the time, socially anxious, spent a whole term to catch up academically, started to call himself stupid with low self esteem, behaviour went terrible etc.. now if you love little people, you will constantly worry, fret, and generally live miserably because more than anything you NEED your children to be happy and healthy. If I lost my job as a childless adult, I could go hungry and sleep in the car, fuck it. Who cares. But now if I lose my job, my kids go hungry, it's a different level of stress. So I put up with shit I wouldnt have put up with if I didnt have kids.

Then you have all the modern day stress, the typical MN conundrum of finding elusive work life balance or giving up work while they are young once etc vs your economic potential or true life purpose etc. OMG. How can anyone have peace once they have kids?!

This is why you will definitely experience more misery as a parent.

I have three girls and life can feel pretty chaotic at times but I try not to dwell on the bits that don’t go so well...I accept that I’m not perfect and neither are they. But I genuinely mean it when I say, there is something everyday that makes me stop and count my blessings. Being a mum to my three feels like such a privilege and I know that the slog (in the scheme of things) is relatively short-lived.

@formerbabe

There are a few moments of pure joy and true love that are indescribable.

The rest is pretty much pure drudgery

Yup. This absolutely true, so I think it is mostly about your attitude and tolerance for the repetitive drudgery. To be fair, there is a great deal of this in life regardless of children but having children really increases the amount that is unavoidable. I think some people sail through this, as they are happy with a very repetitive routine and don't really notice it as more than a background and can still find the joy within that.

Some people ( and I include myself in that) find that the unavoidably repetitive constant work of taking care of another's needs fills up everything so there is no room for the joy. I remember constantly wanting to be able to do what I wanted when DS was small and feeling very very restricted. It felt almost unbearable. I know it sounds juvenile but it is how I felt. I love having my time back now DS is a teenager . There are other difficulties in being the parent of a teenager but the physical grind of having a young child is gone, thank goodness.

What @bumblingbovine49 said about different people reacting differently to constraints is spot on.

Funnily enough, I thought I'd be one of those people who'd really suffer from the need for a strict routine, but in actual fact, I didn't find it that bad. Quite probably I was less strict than some MNers: we went hill-walking and made cross-Europe train journeys with small dc, which clearly wouldn't have been possible if we had been committed to fixed nap times etc.

I also found that the routines needed weren't that much worse than the routines required to work to a timetable in my profession. I'm in a job where I have to turn up in room 4003 at 9 o'clock in the morning and talk about X (or, in pandemic times, click on the Teams icon), then by 10 o'clock have made my way to room 1122 to talk about Y. I found that in many ways you get more freedom with a small baby than that. Yes, they need regular feeding and changing, but as long as those jobs get done you can do them at home or at a friend's or in a woodland somewhere (as long as you pack the nappy up and take it home!). I can't say to my students "ok, we're meeting halfway up this mountain because I'm bored with the classroom".

Very few mums in real life will openly gush about being a mother to people (although I think hourly/daily updates about your kids on SM is ridiculous too). The moaning about motherhood was not at all socially acceptable until recently so sounding off about how hard it is MAY give the illusion we are all miserable and fed up. We are not.

HOWEVER, as a child free individual would you like to hear how much i love my kids for minutes on end? What it is I particularly love about them? Followed by funny/silly stories about their tiny adorable behaviour that's only adorable if you're the parent?

I only gush about my kids and how much I love being a mum to a very select audience. I don't even talk about my kids big achievements on social media as I think it's in bad taste. Most mothers are content with their situation and just sound off about the crap stuff because it's a healthy thing to do to as it supports other mum friends and helps you cope better.

There are a few who are unhappy and that isn't simply because they are parents. It is always more than that.

@Frokni

I get that people just want to have a vent & moan sometimes, which is totally fine. But some posts are so negative & the OP’s do come across like they’re miserable, while a lot are happy to admit it. You can see from even some of these replies that there are people who don’t enjoy being a parent & wouldn’t have done it if they could do back!

It’s not that I want or need to hear parents say how amazing parenthood is 24/7. But on a forum called Mumsnet, seeing so many negative posts, which seem to outweigh the positives, is of course worrying for someone who wants to start a family.

I’m glad I asked the question, because it’s provoked honest responses on becoming a parent & more of an insight on what to expect!

I’m not after people to just tell me how magical having children is, but equally I wanted some of the positives that come with all the negativity, which is what you often see.

@MAK93 you're right. There is a lot of negativity on here and I guess what amazes me is that there are many women who would have not gone ahead with it had they known what they know now which is sad for sure. So I can see why you feel this way based on MN.

To ensure I don't come across as too much of a grump I will give you my reasons i love having children which will in turn get me flamed on MN (is that irony?)

• you realise how unimportant you are and it grounded me into seeing the importance of community, kindness and compassion and to ensure that is put into the next generation by setting a good example
• time becomes elastic but just one more cuddle, 1 more cartoon together, 1 more snack, 1 more game of hide and seek together enriches me as a much as my DDs.
• money has become less important and me and DH are low earners, my DH earns the average salary and I work PT and it means we really get to be together and experience most things as a family unit although financially we have very little compared to our peers. I am aware we are blessed though.
• your life is exciting in a whole new way! I wanted a family since I was 18 and found my dream DH at 25, DD1 at 27, DD2 at 30 and I have loved it all except the PND. But, I would never change it!

It really is a lot of fun but not 100% of the time of course lol!

@Frokni

Thanks for your reply, that’s the kind of stuff that reassure me & I can relate to. Where we decided to live has less than 20 houses & is a proper ‘old school’ community, it’s great! Also money helps but I think that’s the kind of path I’d choose, work part time & not be rolling in it, but the time together makes up for it!

I don’t want people to sugar coat but also don’t want to be scared stiff about having a baby 🙈

I think there's a difference between loving your kids and loving motherhood. Virtually everyone loves their children...even those who hate being a mum, if that makes sense. That's why it's so awful in a way...become in any other scenario, if you disliked something, you'd stop doing it. Career, hobbies, friendships even marriages, if you aren't happy, you can walk away. However, a mother's love means very very few women will abandon their children.

I’m not after people to just tell me how magical having children is, but equally I wanted some of the positives that come with all the negativity, which is what you often see.

I gave exactly this in my reply. Parenting is a real mixed bag of emotions, some good, some bad. Much like anything in life, really.

Most mothers are content with their situation and just sound off about the crap stuff because it's a healthy thing to do to as it supports other mum friends and helps you cope better.

This.