Why do people with children seem so miserable!?

[MAK93]

So a serious question & no offence intended, but as I don’t have children but looking to start a family, it’s really pickled me.

I always see/hear people complain about having children, how hard it is, how they don’t get time for themselves, how it affects relationship with their partner, how their life feels mundane & without purpose (other than being a parent).

I know most people talk about the bad & not necessarily the good, especially on MN.

But it really is betrayed in such a negative way that it makes me wonder why people continue to do it, surely it can’t be as bad as some make it seem?

Interested to maybe here parents explain if they have felt like this but the other side to the situation (positive one!), or if it was a phase, if you regret it in hind sight or is it really not as horrible as I keep reading

Oh and babies are the easy bit. Wait till they become teenagers...

Tbf you can't bang on to everyone about how great it all is all the time because you sound like a smug twat then and everyone gets sick of it. Much better if you briefly refer to them as annoying little brats and act like you're sick of them .

But yes I would agree, having 1 baby is lovely. Having 2+ toddler or older whilst trying to work and keep a relationship with your partner going is hard work. And they do act like little shits sometimes which makes you wonder why you bothered. I would love to have stopped at 1 but the easy child is DC2 .

We’re not miserable OP, just knackered

I'm child free but do think it's more than just mumsnet. Like pp said it seems fashionable to hate your kids on Instagram!

I appreciate it's hard being a parent right now. So I get a moan! But even before this it's a thing ice noticed.

Well I love my kids but they're also bloody hard work 😂 and it tires me out but wouldn't change them for the world but still I look tired which is probably what you see as miserable and sometimes I just need a good moan about them 😜

Oh and another thing. When I "moan" I'm actually trying to work out how and where I'm going wrong and how to make it better. No one can tell me except for childless women who think they know have easy it is. I get a lot of advice from them about how easy it much be.

As with most things you are going to hear more of the negative side, especially on an advice forum like this! It's really tiring and difficult at times but the best thing I ever did.

I don’t know - the most miserable people I know, my dbro and his dw -don’t have kids. They do have seem to have far too much time on their hands for navel-gazing though.

I absolutely love my kids, enjoy being with them, find them great company, and honestly find a lot of being a parent quite amazing (because I still can't quite believe I am responsible enough...)
The big but is, however, that the responsibility and the worry can be huge. The sleep deprivation can be draining. Worries over their health, behaviour, mental wellbeing can all be really hard. The 'admin' (yes I know people hate the phrase family admin, but fuckit) is a massive ballache - school stuff, health stuff (my ds is disabled) - it is so relentless and quite frankly dull.
...and the next big but (apart from my own...) is that despite these worries and middle of the night ambulance trips, and shit sleep for 14 years and sibling squabbles and the niggling thought that your kids may one day be talking about your parenting in therapy...is that we spend more time happy and laughing than the crappy hard bits, and despite needing the occasional vent and moan, they make everything better.

It is by far the best thing I have ever done, they are my greatest achievements and I love spending time with them but FUCK ME the work that goes in to running them!! And for us it’s not even to a particularly high standard (relaxed about mess, screens, no ironing etc). It is constant cleaning, shopping, cooking and washing just to keep the wolf from the door and by that I mean not living in a total shit pit with something to eat in the fridge and something other than a tutu to wear! Money doesn’t buy happiness but when it comes to parenting I can totally see how a cleaner, takeaways and outsourcing laundry might!!! If all I had to do was parent, it would be a walk in the park, it is trying to fit all the other shit in that is the difficult bit!

When they were small I used to say 90% excellent. 10% torture.

Changes when they're teens. Fewer high highs or low lows.

I'm not miserable. I'm just extremely tired and have never felt so tired in my entire life. Pre kids, I used to commute 2 hours each way into London every week day and I always told myself that having kids would be fine as I couldn't possibly be as tired as I was then. I was very wrong.

It's a different kind of tired. It's because there is never ever any downtime. Even when they are asleep you are on high alert, and it's 24/7.

Of course, my partner does his share, but then the guilt hits you. Since having a child I ALWAYS feel guilty about something. It's probably completely irrational but I believe it is quite common.

It's just very exhausting. But amazing too.

I think at the moment many people are struggling and families with small children are struggling the most.

There is so much information and competitive parenting now that many people feel they are failing if they are not instaready all of the time. This is of course utter bollocks but it seems to me that the rise of social media has correlated with the rise of so many families struggling and believing they need to be perfect.

My DD is grown up now but I can honestly say I loved the time when she was little to the time she banged doors and yelled at me but I am not an angst ridden person, dont give a fig about routine and am pretty positive. Not sure it would be the same in this social media driven world

I suffered from pnd after my second and have struggled ever since. He is 18 months now.

I just find it all relentless. And despite how I feel I have to put on a happy brave face so that DC dont see/know my true feelings. I hope in another year things will be easier.

Why do I continue to do it? Because I dont really have a choice.

I’m exhausted, I’ve not had a full nights sleep for over two years. For the first six months of DD2 life every feed was my responsibility (ebf due to allergies), even now she wakes up many times a night and will only accept me. As a parent you are nearly always either being a parent or on call to parent, even if you are working. When you are at your most exhausted you can’t just say to your young children get dressed, you need to be as cheery as children TV presenter and think of a game or an ‘in’ to get them to do what you need them to do.

Having kids is amazing but it hard work which doesn’t stop, and you can’t be miserable or complain to them so you have to save it up for when they are not around.

Thanks everyone for your responses.

Again I really didn’t want to come across like I was sniping at parents or make anyone feel bad.

But obviously as wanting to start a family, I have done all the normal research & looked on loads of forums, there is always a lot of negativity, it’s scary when you want children but don’t have them 😅

I really appreciate the honest responses though & was nice to read the comments that just completely honest, also to hear about the positives!

I’ve never been that maternal person who has always wanted to have a family, so I do worry (because I don’t feel like I’m going to be naturally great) that maybe I’m not cut out for it, even though now it’s something I really want!

I raised my own, worked with children for most of my employed life and am now a foster parent. I love parenting.

Because it's hard. Because it's relentless. Because maybe they were woken up 4 times the night before.

Yes I feel like this. Yes I do regret it. But I probably would have regretted not being a parent too if I'd not started a family. But if I could have seen into the future I'd have stayed childless.

ADHD or similar. Waiting for diagnosis. It's quite draining.

When people talk about how wonderful having kids are it’s seen as super obnoxious and insensitive to those you can’t have them.

Having kids is tough but literally the most amazing thing you can do with your life. How smug and annoying does that sound?

Mostly having kids is tiring, relentless and endless worry. But once in a while they do something so amazing (like make you a cup of tea without you having to ask) and somehow it makes up for all the bad parts of parenting.

But yes, there are days when I could chuck in the towel and go and live in a dark cave aka the chicken shed

I think it’s worse at the moment because we literally have no escape. At all. DC1 is reception so we have school to deal with at home, and DC2 is 1. So it’s pretty full on.

But as I have said quite a few times to DP over the last 9-10 months, I’m thankful every day for them, especially at the moment. They might drive me insane some days but every day they make me laugh, without fail. Usually many times a day. Doesn’t mean I don’t look harassed and miserable half the time too!

It is very hard and I've no idea why people have a child and then decide to have another one. I think they're crazy! I adore my child with all my heart, but if I could live my life again I'd remain child-free for sure.

I think the context is important, eg if a parent starts saying these things when meeting a non-parent in a pub (back when such things were possible) you suddenly get a vision of how life used to be and there's a little pocket of bitterness about it.

Or the parent might have been conscious that they don't have much to say or have to take you somewhere with their kids, so play up the misery for comedy value.

When you don't have kids, I think it's hard to appreciate the scale of cleaning, cooking, washing, wiping, tidying, buying clothes etc. Actually being with the kids is fine, the background drudgery does for you. And we stupidly do it in lonely family units rather than communally.

I'm not miserable but I haven't slept past 7am for more than four years. I often have five hours' sleep then have to be creative and patient all day. The good bits are good and the bad bits are bad.