Why do people with children seem so miserable!?

[MAK93]

So a serious question & no offence intended, but as I don’t have children but looking to start a family, it’s really pickled me.

I always see/hear people complain about having children, how hard it is, how they don’t get time for themselves, how it affects relationship with their partner, how their life feels mundane & without purpose (other than being a parent).

I know most people talk about the bad & not necessarily the good, especially on MN.

But it really is betrayed in such a negative way that it makes me wonder why people continue to do it, surely it can’t be as bad as some make it seem?

Interested to maybe here parents explain if they have felt like this but the other side to the situation (positive one!), or if it was a phase, if you regret it in hind sight or is it really not as horrible as I keep reading

People complain because its relentless, unpredictable and a huge transition from your previous child free life.
Plus its trendy to complain about it.

But it's also joy like you've never known.

But it's also joy like you've never known
For some people, not for everyone. My DH pulls his weight, family are supportive blah blah but it was simply the wrong choice for me, and a few others on this thread who aren't just 'having a bad day'. Women need to be honest about having children, it's not an obligation in this day and age. Some women find fulfilment in being a mother, some get by, some should genuinely have stayed on the pill. There are a few judgey posts aimed at those of us who have been honest enough to say they should have walked on by, and I have bitten my lip, but some posters really need to reign in the sanctimonious shite. Women are other women's worst enemy.

The last bit wasn't at you Sausagessizzling

Most people don’t realise how hard it is until they have them and then it’s too late ! Not sure why they have more after that tho. in for a penny In For a pound I spose !

@BringPizza thank you for your honesty.

I would love a poll to see out of randomly picked 1000 parents how many would turn back the clock

I love being a parent but it's insanely difficult. There's so much you have no control over. The overwhelming tiredness, worry and stress. If you have family support that makes things easier but your life with a child is unrecognisable from your life before.

@formerbabe

There are a few moments of pure joy and true love that are indescribable.

The rest is pretty much pure drudgery

Exactly! Today there was a moment when I wondered what good have I done to deserve such beautiful/sweet children! The rest of the day was spent worrying about nursery closure, because they exhaust me.

Thinking further.. if there was any advice to anyone planning a baby it would be

Make it quite clear to your partner if you have one, and yourself, what your expectations are regarding splitting baby chores, household chores, personal time "off" and finances. These are the things (together or individually) that will utterly annihilate your marriage if they are not agreed and acted upon by both of you. If either of you ends up getting the lions share of the jobs while the other swans around doing fuck all (and I have seen women do this, it aint all the men) then you need to call a halt to that immediately. It isnt "nagging" to expect the other parent to pull their weight.

Remember that the baby hasnt read the same books as you so She-Who-Must-Not Be-Named may insist that if you follow The Method, your baby will be sleeping through by 6 weeks, but your baby hasnt read that book and will be doing the same as you....making it up as they go along!

@glittereyelash for better or worse if you don't mind my asking?

*There's any variables which affect your experience too.

If you have..

Healthy, nt, reasonably good natured, compliant children.

A supportive partner

Family support

Money

If you have all these things,it will be a breeze.*

None of these things can protect against post natal depression, however, which is by far the scariest experience I've ever had.

I would never judge a woman who regrets motherhood. I do find it very sad for her but I do agree that's why it's important to show a more diverse range of reactions to parenting. The problem is you can't know I suppose. I was very maternal from a very young age, I always wanted to have kids. But easily it could have not turned out that way in reality and really, the planet does not need more people so people should be more empowered to not have kids unless they really want to, instead of it still being a bit tabboo to not have kids especially when in a LTR

@BringPizza that's so interesting to hear your perspective. Honestly I don't think I've come across someone saying they regret it. Do you not get any fulfillment from your children?

@Skyla2005

Most people don’t realise how hard it is until they have them and then it’s too late ! Not sure why they have more after that tho. in for a penny In For a pound I spose !

I have pondered this for years!!

I completely understand that no one knows what kind of parent they will be until they are one. And I will not judge anyone who says "I love my child but I hate parenting and wont be doing it again". But I do judge those that clearly dont like their kids, dont like parenting, dont like the self sacrifice that goes with it (who does?!) but then has at least another one and often more!

Why?!

My toddler is my world and watching her grow brings me immense joy but fuck me its hard work. Imagine the hardest day of work you've ever had, then imagine it just doesn't end. It goes into dinner, your evening and your night, then you wake and do it all over again. Not just for days but for years. You might get the odd hour or even day off but a lot of parents then feel guilty about it or just miss their DC when they aren't there despite all the hard work. The pandemic has taken a lot of the good away like playdates, baby classes and favourite family spots. The word I would most use to describe parenting is relentless.

I think it's different at different times. First time round, when it was all new and exciting and no one i knew had a baby and I wasmeeting new friends etc, I do distinctly remember thinking:"this is it! This is what I'm here to do!" But I suspect a lot of that was hormonal. 2nd time was just hard.
I certainly don't feel fulfilled by having children; millions of mammals give birth every day. It's a biological function when it comes down to it.

It's not that I don't love them, but I do think seeing 'being a mum' as the be all and end all harks back to the Victorian angel of the hearth bollocks, where the ultimate goal was to be a selfless nurturer and to be a mother was the greatest of all achievements. I think many women probably struggle with having, what's supposed to be a hugely fulfilling experience, then realising that there is a bit more to life and the you're not defined by your ability to procreate.

@Sausagessizzling there are some lovely memories, and mostly they're ok to be around but they don't give me any sense of fulfilment and I genuinely get nothing from parenthood. Honestly, in my own case I think I'm just emotionally withdrawn and too independent, I hate people needing me, I hate being controlled.

It’s really hard but also really wonderful.

It’s the first time I have experienced real joy most days. But boy the work and worrying are hard. Plus it’s tiring. Not for the faint-hearted but you reap rewards for your efforts.

I feel so blessed I am a parent (didn’t think it was gonna happen, had my ds at 39). Having the luxury of knowing both sides of the coin I’d choose parenting every time. (And I find life hard generally, definitely not a breezy person).

Yes OP, i most definitely am the opposite. So here we go.

I was not maternal at all, decided later than all my friends that, yes, maybe i did want a child, took us a couple of years of trying and then just wow.

I loved being pregnant, knowing i was growing this little special person that i created with the man i adore, it was amazing.

The birth was not straight forward but still an amazing experience.

Holding that little amazing person, just hurt my heart, im sorry that sounds gushy, but it did. I was the happiest and luckiest i had ever been. It felt amazing.

He amazes me every day, i still have nights where i just look at him and im in ore of his amazing personality and kindness, he is our best achievement to date,,the rest just falls into insignificance in comparison.

So OP, no, parents arent miserable, some people, who just happen to be parents, are miserable for all different reasons.

You never know who you're going to get when you have a child. They are completely and utterly their own person. You might not like them!

I'm sure the compatibility of personalities between parent and child has a huge impact on how parents feel about the experience.

@Musicaltriflemonkey, your post is beautiful and i felt the same. Your post made me smile....alot

@Chimeraforce

I find it exhausting. The worry, the responsibility. It's draining so I stuck at 1.

Good choice!

Yes it's absolutely exhausting, relentless and yet totally wonderful at the same time.

Parenthood is an adventure or a labour of love like any other. But we don't expect people to be pissing rainbows the whole way up Mount Everest, we don't expect people who succeeded in their careers to never struggle with the hours or the balance in their life, we don't expect people who take on a challenge never to find it challenging. Why would parenting be any different? It's life, isn't it? Some bits are easy, some bits are hard, some bits are joyful, some tedious, some sad. We could all just do nothing to even out the bumps but that's not really living, is it?

When people talk about how wonderful having kids are it’s seen as super obnoxious and insensitive to those you can’t have them

Having kids is tough but literally the most amazing thing you can do with your life. How smug and annoying does that sound?

This ^

and what FourTeaFallOut said