Absolutely gutted over gender disappointment

[goodnessgracel]

Second time mum here. Just found out I'm having a boy and I'm gutted, never felt so sad. Please no judgment as I feel awful enough as it is that I just can't be happy to be pregnant.

I had a truly awful pregnancy with my DD and missed a lot of her first year due to PND. Worst thing I ever went through. Through a lot of therapy I finally became brave enough to try again. I felt this could be a healing experience as well.

What I didn't know is that I had this preconceived fantasy in my head all along. I so desperately wanted a girl with all my heart. I wanted a sister for my daughter and imagined two beautiful girls like in the movie Frozen, I must sound daft. I wanted two girls at the dinner table and two girls to talk to when they're grown. I imagined giving birth to another beautiful girl and healing from my horrible PPD and experience i had the first time. I love my daughter and I love being a mum to a girl. I know I can bond with a girl. I only realised all this once we found out the gender, that I had been cooking this all up in my head all along! Never really, critically thought about how I'd feel if it was a boy.

I'm gutted. So gutted. Afraid I won't be able to bond with him. Gutted that my daughter and him won't enjoy a close relationship as they would if I had 2 of the same. Been crying all day and I feel like an awful human being. I don't like the dinosaurs, trucks, active personality that comes with raising boys, yes its all a stereotype I am sure but each little boy I know fits it. Will he be too busy to cuddle like my daughter does, will we be close when he's older. I am heartbroken.

Please, has anyone felt this way and does it ever go away? I can't help but feel I've ruined it all.

I would try and restart your therapy ASAP, as going into a second child with such thoughts when you’ve already has PND before is going to be very hard.

I won't be unkind OP but I assume you've had a positive scan that showed no problems with the baby - that's a bloody but positive! I don't think boys have a reputation for not being cuddly do they? And they can remain fiercely devoted to their mums throughout puberty, whereas I think many girls have to go through that separating time that can being conflict with it! But I don't think any rational answers will make you feel better as your feelings aren't rational.

I know gender disappointment is A Thing but this all sounds like a very extreme reaction to a healthy baby. I think you could probably benefit from some therapy as this seems to be tied up with your PPD - it isn't your child's job to "heal" you and that is a huge amount of pressure to put on a baby.

Little boys are incredible. Don't let yourself ruin the joy of your son before he's even here.

No guarantee 2 girls would get on

You're entitled to how you feel and to have a good cry and grieve for thosel title fantasies but honestly your fears are soundless.

You don't bond with your child because she has a vagina. You won't be unable to bond with this child because he has a willy. And honestly at the point of bonding that's the only difference - what you wipe when they pee.

By the time he wants a dinosaur or truck you'll already love him

There's no reason you won't come to like them, or that he'll necessarily want them - with a big sister he's likely to like dolls and Frozen too. Or your daughter could turn around and decide she wants to be a paleontologist after a lesson at nursery. Plus we all endure stuff we aren't overly interested in for the kids. If their Dad is around he can also get involved.

I have an older sister. You don't say the gap bit my GOD we fought as kids / teens. The competition between girls, Jesus. Conversely I know boy girl siblings who are incredibly close because there's nothing to compete over. Little fighting over clothes or boys or who's the prettiest or slimmest.

You'll love him. And if you really really don't believe that, have an abortion
.

That reaction to me suggesting you have an abortion? That's how I know you'll love him

Perhaps you should consider adoption if you really can't come to terms with the thought of being a parent to a baby boy. It's a very extreme reaction and you certainly need to seek help.

I have one of each.
Honestly in the tween years now and the only one who still does much hugging is ds.
I did wonder how I would bond with a boy because I wouldn't have any touchstones in common.
Turns out this is nonsense and always has been.
Both my boy and girl like some things I like and some things that bore me rigid.
I am delighted that I get to parent one of each and I'm sure you will be as well in time.

@ItsIgginningtolookalotlikeXmas you're right. I don't know why I feel this way and I know it's irrational. I just wish I knew why and how to get out of it.

@Ohalrightthen i know. That really wasn't the sole reason we had another child, it was a lot of discussion and faith, but a part of me did think alright, I can have the infant experience I missed out on the first time. I just wish I knew little boys are incredible- I come from generations worth of all girls and this is totally new territory for me.

I never quite understand these projections where people invent imaginary futures for their children.

You could have 2 girls that are nothing alike, don't get on and end up not liking each other.

You could have a boy and a girl who are best friends.

I know 2 people who are NC with their sisters. Yet my DH and his sis get on amazingly.

My boys give more cuddles then the girls in our family who are fiercely independent

I found my son more affectionate than my daughter. Hope you fall in love with your lovely cuddly son.

Oh op, it sounds as if you are really struggling imagining bonding with a boy.
This baby isn’t just any boy, he is your baby boy. He will be more loving and snuggly than you can imagine, my youngest is nearly five and he fills each days with cuddles and kisses.
You may not be interested in dinosaurs etc, but then again he might not be either. If he is you will be interested because of him. He will make your world grow.
Take your time to process the news. Try not to be harsh on yourself with guilt etc, you feel the way you feel, but try to bond with the child you are having. Sit in the bath and stoke your bump. Talk to him, look at your scan pictures, maybe purchase something just for him to help get you excited.

Literally the only difference when they're tiny is what happens if you don't change their nappy quick enough - puddle under or sprout up

I have DD and then 2 boys. My DS1 is only 3, DS2 5 month old. DS1 is into stereotypical boy stuff, but he still likes to dress up with his sister, will have his nails painted with us etc. He loves cuddles, he cuddles me more than DD does. Boys are amazing. DD and DS1 are best friends, they share a bedroom and are very close. I can’t imagine it would be any different if I had 2 DD’s.

The previous poster is absolutely right. It may sound unpalatable, but if a boy is that unwanted by you, in this country you are entitled to have an abortion.
In reality though, do you think you could be suffering from pre-natal depression, this year has been so hard it wouldn’t be surprising if you were low.

Nothing to say they won’t have a close bond as brother and sister. My first thought was those from Blackpool on gogglebox. I know sisters that don’t get on at all.
I’m sorry you feel this way, but I am a big believer in things are the way they are, because that is the way it is meant to be.
Please talk to someone about this x

I think everyone has an idea of what it would be like to have a boy or girl, especially with their second. You picture a boy or girl fitting into your family. You imagine both scenarios and then suddenly you find out that you’ll never meet one of these imaginary children. I think you should give yourself a couple of days to mourn the child you had pictured, and then see how you feel. You might feel different, you might not, and if you don’t then there’s time for some counselling to help.

For what it’s worth, i had also pictured two girls because my friends all had two girls and I ended up with one of each and he’s wonderful and it wasn’t hard at all to bond with him. And once you have that baby in your arms and you’ve had a couple of days to get over the birth, it’s very VERY likely you’ll be head over heels with him xx

He definitely won't be too busy to cuddle, my 19 month old ds stops his playing just to run over and give me a kiss, currently expecting a girl and I'm hoping she will be the same!
You will be fine op, you will absolutely adore your little boy once he is here.

I have a girl and a boy. The boy is the most loving, affectionate, snuggly little guy. Much more so than his sister.

Although, it’s tough and you are sad for what you thought may have been. Please do seek some help over this if it persists. It could be pre natal depression.

Boys are very cuddly in my experience. I get head-hugs from mine as he’s 6’2” and that's where his arm reaches when we are standing up. He’s had a doll in a buggy as well as dinosaurs and trains, he’s listened to books as well as climbed trees and enjoyed meals together as much as paintballing in the woods.
All children are individuals, just as adults are. Please don’t write off your unborn child because you have a preconceived idea of what he will be like.
Also please talk to a health professional about your reaction. I had severe PND and was always promised any further pregnancies would trigger medication at the point of delivery to prevent it happening again. You might find therapy or support helps you through this difficult point.

I know this all sounds extreme and I'm quite ashamed. I think it comes from my upbringing, my mum was always going off about how she was so happy she never had boys and how girls were the only ones visiting their parents in the retirement home she worked at. I struggle knowing whether or not her observation had any truth. My daughter is such a quiet, sweet cuddle bug and I just have this vision of a boy running wild around the house and slamming doors and throwing die cast trucks like my friends DS was doing last weekend. I don't think it's fair to him that I feel this way and it makes me feel awful, but I can't help this reaction and it makes me feel worse.

If it helps my DD is very typically 'boyish' (loud, feisty, sporty, would never wear a dress) and my DS very 'girlish' (loves crafts, role play, pretty dresses and soft toys, much more cuddly). They are who they are, I don't actually care about what boys or girls should be like.

It sounds as though you could really do with someone to talk to professionally about your ideas. You're not wrong to feel this way but it's clearly hurting you and could hurt your relationship with your baby.

I really hope you feel differently when your baby boy is here

I really did want a boy but thought he would be attached to his Dad. He isn't. I thought I wouldn't be able to play, relate to him. Yes, I did have too learn about dinosaurs and vehicles. But he is amazing, thoughtful, caring, cuddly, smart and sporty. Has a great sense of humour and we have lots of similar things we like and find funny that his Dad doesn't. Just trying to remember this with the moody teenage phase

Please don’t worry. I thought I wanted 2 girls (had a girl first), I didn’t find out the sex when I was pregnant but all through the second pregnancy I pictured another girl, couldn’t even imagine a boy. It was a boy! And I absolutely adore him and love him with every bit of my heart. Would never ever change him. He’s amazing. He is so cuddly and loving and the bond is so lovely between mother and son. And yes it’s all dinosaurs and diggers (though not all boys are into them) but I don’t mind at all, I embrace it and it’s nice to have a change from princesses and all the stuff my dd is into.
Honestly, when he’s here you will look back on this with disbelief. Try to relax and enjoy your pregnancy with your healthy boy and remember how very lucky you are