Absolutely gutted over gender disappointment

[goodnessgracel]

Second time mum here. Just found out I'm having a boy and I'm gutted, never felt so sad. Please no judgment as I feel awful enough as it is that I just can't be happy to be pregnant.

I had a truly awful pregnancy with my DD and missed a lot of her first year due to PND. Worst thing I ever went through. Through a lot of therapy I finally became brave enough to try again. I felt this could be a healing experience as well.

What I didn't know is that I had this preconceived fantasy in my head all along. I so desperately wanted a girl with all my heart. I wanted a sister for my daughter and imagined two beautiful girls like in the movie Frozen, I must sound daft. I wanted two girls at the dinner table and two girls to talk to when they're grown. I imagined giving birth to another beautiful girl and healing from my horrible PPD and experience i had the first time. I love my daughter and I love being a mum to a girl. I know I can bond with a girl. I only realised all this once we found out the gender, that I had been cooking this all up in my head all along! Never really, critically thought about how I'd feel if it was a boy.

I'm gutted. So gutted. Afraid I won't be able to bond with him. Gutted that my daughter and him won't enjoy a close relationship as they would if I had 2 of the same. Been crying all day and I feel like an awful human being. I don't like the dinosaurs, trucks, active personality that comes with raising boys, yes its all a stereotype I am sure but each little boy I know fits it. Will he be too busy to cuddle like my daughter does, will we be close when he's older. I am heartbroken.

Please, has anyone felt this way and does it ever go away? I can't help but feel I've ruined it all.

On the other hand I think your mum is broadly correct. It is statistically less likely that your ADULT son is going to be visiting you in the old people's home every week. He probably won't include you as much in his life and that of his future family. That is just the way it is. When I think about my own family and all the families I've known this just how it plays out. You might get an outlier who calls you every day and brings your grandchildren round on the weekend but you can't count on it. But you already have a daughter who will fulfill that role so it won't matter too much

This is utter rubbish and is like saying all women love pink. I know a lot of men who are devoted to the elderly care of their mothers and women who couldn’t give a crap. This is horribly lazy stereotyping and you should be ashamed at making such lame and ignorant gender stereotypes

I have a 1 year old DS, he is so loving and so so cuddly, he checks my face and smiles at me to warm my heart and he frequently comes over for kisses and cuddles.

I’ve had PND too and I know exactly how it gets in your head. Your son will be perfect and could end up best friends with DD. X

Wouldn't have swapped my gorgeous, gentle, cuddly boys for the world. Super affectionate, super close to them. My youngest is now 23 - we go shopping together - more so for him because he enjoys clothes shopping whereas I hate it! We both love cooking and we often speak to share recipes

My partner is 55. He's very close with his Mum, speak often, he's pops in to see her at least once a week. All the boys/men in my family have good, healthy close relationships with their Mums.

Try to rid yourself of this stereotype you have in your mind.

My brother is one of my closest friends - just wanted to add a positive sister/ brother relationship. We are very protective of each other and are great friends. Many of my girlfriends do not have as good a relationship with their sisters.

I can’t believe people are telling the OP that her adult son probably won’t visit her when she’s old! It’s bad enough that he’s being stereotyped as a child. Now total strangers are stereotyping him for his adult life too! Unless you have a crystal ball, you’re talking a load of crap and just upsetting the OP for no reason.

My DH is one of THREE boys and they ALL are involved with their parents, see their mother regularly, talk to her on the phone regularly and take her grandchildren to see her. DH is forever going over there to tell her with things like working out Netflix, helping check in flights online online and looking after their pets when they go on holiday.

Just stop with the stereotypes. They’re so unhelpful and not what the OP needs right now. Only time will tell who this little boy will be and it should be something exciting to discover, not marred by ridiculous internet stranger predictions 🙄

As a few people have mentioned it's always Boys people are disappointed with when finding out what they're having

@EggnogAndAMincepie actually I was the opposite - I desperately wanted a boy and was really upset when I found out I was having a girl. Of course, now I absolutely adore my DD and couldn’t imagine life any other way!

As a few people have mentioned it's always Boys people are disappointed with when finding out what they're having

Actually, it’s always women - on, for example, Mumsnet - who are disappointed to find out they’re having a boy. Because they’re women.

I’m willing to bet my last dollar, and the shirt on my back, that if you were to go onto Dadsnet, they’d all be secretly hankering after boys, and experiencing ‘gender disappointment’ on discovering they’re having a girl.

Because - on the whole, generally speaking - men would like to have boys, and women would like to have girls. Not every single one of them. But most of them - for fully understandable - if irrational - reasons.

Just to sprinkle a dose of perspective into the mix, a relative of mine is due a baby boy in February. But he has a 50/50 chance of survival as part of his brain has not developed properly.

Makes you think.

I have an elderly neighbour who is housebound and has carers visit 3 times a day. Her son is in his 60’s and he visits her every couple of days at least (more before lockdown). He makes sure she is well cared for.

A male friend had the chance to go to America in the 60’s to make a new life for himself, he didn’t go in the end because he worried about leaving his mum behind.

Boys do continue to love and care for their mothers even when they reach adulthood, sometimes more than daughters.

You urgently need to get some psychological help.

Individual circumstances and exceptions don't change the well evidenced population level statistics that there are gender based differences in adult parent - child relationships.

That doesn't mean having a boy is bad news, just acknowledging the OPs feelings.

Individual circumstances and exceptions don't change the well evidenced population level statistics that there are gender based differences in adult parent - child relationships

Only if you believe gender stereotypes and the concept that growing up to not take care of your parents is somehow hard-wired into the male brain.

Despite the population data parents will be able to influence their child growing up. Ignoring the stereotypes and the belief in pink brain/blue brain is a start.

Plus times have changed and statistics will hopefully start to show that with time too. Plenty of daughters move away, work full time etc when this wouldn't have been the case with many of the older generation.

@littlemisslozza

Plus times have changed and statistics will hopefully start to show that with time too. Plenty of daughters move away, work full time etc when this wouldn't have been the case with many of the older generation.

Exactly - the pattern was set when women were far less likely to work outside of the home and so were available to take on caring duties. The thing is if you raise sons with the expectation that they will disappear from your life as an adult, while raising daughters to think that visiting you are caring for you is somehow their role and responsibility guess what happens?