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Original poster

Absolutely gutted over gender disappointment

363 replies

goodnessgracel · 21/12/2020 18:43

Second time mum here. Just found out I'm having a boy and I'm gutted, never felt so sad. Please no judgment as I feel awful enough as it is that I just can't be happy to be pregnant.

I had a truly awful pregnancy with my DD and missed a lot of her first year due to PND. Worst thing I ever went through. Through a lot of therapy I finally became brave enough to try again. I felt this could be a healing experience as well.

What I didn't know is that I had this preconceived fantasy in my head all along. I so desperately wanted a girl with all my heart. I wanted a sister for my daughter and imagined two beautiful girls like in the movie Frozen, I must sound daft. I wanted two girls at the dinner table and two girls to talk to when they're grown. I imagined giving birth to another beautiful girl and healing from my horrible PPD and experience i had the first time. I love my daughter and I love being a mum to a girl. I know I can bond with a girl. I only realised all this once we found out the gender, that I had been cooking this all up in my head all along! Never really, critically thought about how I'd feel if it was a boy.

I'm gutted. So gutted. Afraid I won't be able to bond with him. Gutted that my daughter and him won't enjoy a close relationship as they would if I had 2 of the same. Been crying all day and I feel like an awful human being. I don't like the dinosaurs, trucks, active personality that comes with raising boys, yes its all a stereotype I am sure but each little boy I know fits it. Will he be too busy to cuddle like my daughter does, will we be close when he's older. I am heartbroken.

Please, has anyone felt this way and does it ever go away? I can't help but feel I've ruined it all.

OP posts:
firstimemamma · 21/12/2020 19:55

I've got a 2 year old ds and all he does all day is wrap his arms around me and say 'mummy huggy'. You're having a lovely healthy baby and that's great news.

Indecisivelurcher · 21/12/2020 19:55

@Stormwhale thanks for saying what you said about your ds being easier to feel warm about than your Dd who is more complicated and emotional. That helps me!

firstimemamma · 21/12/2020 19:57

Also my fiancé and his mum have a wonderful relationship whereas I haven't spoken to mine in a decade.

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Dopeyduck · 21/12/2020 19:58

My DS is currently snuggled up to my chest sleeping. He’s 1. He’s the most affectionate boy I could imagine. He cuddles me and kisses me. He shouts for his mum. He’s my shadow.

I’ve been where you are. I struggle with my PTSD from him being in NICU and unwell daily, sometimes hourly.

Try to reassure yourself that the gender of your baby has no bearing on your bond with them. To me it sounds as though your fears are that you will not bond etc. Try to address these with therapy.

Your DS will love you unconditionally, you are already his whole world, just as you are for DD.

Boxachocs · 21/12/2020 19:59

I promise you boys are awesome. I have an older boy followed by a girl. I always thought I wanted only girls but my son is just lovely. I absolutely guarantee you will be delighted that you have a boy very quickly, they are loving and kind. It’s a very special thing.

DrDavidBanner · 21/12/2020 20:01

This may come across harsh, I hope it doesn't. I had a friend who was rejected by her mother from birth, it fucked her right up. I honestly think abortion would be your best option followed by therapy with a professional who specialises it trauma and PPD. Pregnancy and motherhood are not compulsory and doesn't suit everyone.

If you really want to be a mum adopt, then you get to choose your ideal child without the highs and lows that pregnancy hormones bring.

firstimemamma · 21/12/2020 20:01

A third point - my ds is very kind and gentle. I always get compliments and he'd never hurt a fly. I recently had to stop him from being friends with a girl his age as she wouldn't stop hitting / hurting him. Once she deliberately kicked him in the back, an awful child. Sex doesn't matter when it comes to these things. I used to work in early years so really have seen a lot of young children over the years.

FiveToFour · 21/12/2020 20:01

People have said what I would say,I have one of each and DS was more cuddly than DD.They are also very close and always have been (grown up now).
My uncle was always close to my grandma,I think closer than my DMum was,and I know a lovely guy who gave up his job to care for his Mum in later life.He was single but after she died he started a new career and found a partner.
So I don't think your Mum's view is 100% about later lifeSmile

Micah · 21/12/2020 20:01

Gutted that my daughter and him won't enjoy a close relationship as they would if I had 2 of the same

I have two girls.

They hate each other....

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 21/12/2020 20:03

I had a DD then DS and I was also a little shocked. I was absolutely sure it was another girl, I'm one of two girls, and like you had built up an imaginary future of having two girls.

When he came out I was almost disappointed but of course he was here and I loved him just as much, of course.

Now he's a toddler and he plays with his sister beautifully, she absolutely dotes on him, I don't know his personality yet apart from being a little joker and cheeky monkey but he's not more an active whirlwind than DD was. He absolutely loves cuddles and breastfeeds so is very connected to me. He's a cuddly lovely little thing.

I think all kids have the propensity to be throwing toys around like your friend's kid, we just have different parenting approaches with socialised expectations for different sexes. Don't assume (and therefore allow) you son will be a tearaway. Teach him he can sit and do crafts, enjoy stories, drawings, splashing in mud, dressing up and making dens exactly the same way you should your daughter.

I hope you can come to terms with your disappointment and I'm sure you will have a lovely future, with great bonds with both of them. (When he's a teen he'll probably be the easy one!)

BathshebaWasOnTheRoof · 21/12/2020 20:05

I cried in the car park after having my scan when I found out I was having a boy. It wasn’t gender disappointment, it was fear and worry. I worried I wouldn’t know what to do with a boy whereas I felt a girl would have been more of a known quantity.

My DS is 17 and he’ll still give me a hug whereas DD is 13 and fiercely independent. I adore my DS, he was an easy, contented baby.

It’s good that you’re talking about this now. You’ll be fine.

Chapellass · 21/12/2020 20:07

Hi OP - I hope you can get some support.

To reassure on whether they will be close, I have two brothers and a sister and close to them all but probably closest to the one who was closest to me in age, my brother.

My girls bicker like cats and dogs and currently say they loathe each other. Hoping just pandemic over-proximity...

lunar1 · 21/12/2020 20:11

It's always boys people are disappointed with on here.

To be honest I think it's a good job you are having a boy as your expectations of sisters are madness.

My boys are funny, caring, individual and give me endless hugs. They have never thrown toys around the house and aren't destructive or boisterous.

My niece however is hell on wheels. She is 6 and given the choice will dress up as Spider-Man and rampage round the house like a tornado saving the world from mutant dinosaurs 🦖 Her little brother is just like my boys.

onedayinthefuture · 21/12/2020 20:12

@DigOutThoseLemonHandWipes

My rapidly approaching 10 years old DS made me a cup of tea this morning and brought it to me in bed. He asked if it was nice and I said 'yes delicious' he then asked me if I wanted to know why it was so nice, again I said yes he answer was "because I always put a big pinch of love in just before I add the milk". He also just leaped up from the table to hug me thanks for making his dinner. I know about not getting the dream you have in your head - I wanted three but infertility had a different plan. I'm a sports lover and always thought my lawn would double as Wembley, Twickenham and Lords, I always imaged my kids (whether they were boys, girls or a mix) beside me at the football but nope I got one and he is very much his sports hating father's son. But I love him (actually so much it bloody hurts) I wouldn't swap the pain and longing and lack more children that infertility brought for the 3 kids I thought I would have because I wouldn't swap the brilliant, beautiful, loving boy I have for that fantasy. I'm sure you will love your boy just like I adore mine.

Your post made me cry, your son sounds amazing.

BlueJag · 21/12/2020 20:14

My mother adored her brother couldn't stand her sister.
You have many preconceived ideas about what dd are like.
I have a dd and she is an amazing woman and I also have son's.
Our last son has been an absolute dream easiest child on earth. He is 15 now.
Reality is very different to fantasy. Boys are super cuddly too and some say easier teens.

BringBiscuits · 21/12/2020 20:18

Allow yourself a bit of time but then you know you need to put aside your feelings and accept you are having a healthy little boy who you will love and will love you back. My ds is such a loving and gentle boy. He lives cars, he loves football but he’s caring and he’s kind and while he doesn’t give me a kiss anymore but he gives the best hugs.

DougRossIsTheBoss · 21/12/2020 20:19

If adult men don't visit their mums or call I'd say that's society's crappy patriarchal expectations and not something you should buy into or seek to replicate in your family.
It really does not have to be that way.

My DH is his mum's favourite child I'm pretty sure. She loves them all and sees them all regularly but I think she enjoys his company the most. Basically because he doesn't disagree with her.

My dad visited his mum in her care home every single night on his way home from work until she died. He was the one of all his siblings who sat with her when she died.

DH's uncle had his mum to live with them almost to the day she died despite advanced Alzheimer's and his devotion to her had to be seen to be believed (I would not have liked to be DH's aunt in fact). He had his reasons as she had brought him up as a single mum in very hard circumstances. He would not have loved her more had he been female.

mellongoose · 21/12/2020 20:23

I know this is a thing, but OP in the most gentle way I can, I would like you to look at the positives. I wanted 2 girls.

I went for my 20 week scan with baby number 2 to find she was so poorly we had to terminate the next day and deliver 2 days after that. She was perfect to me.

DD1 is an only and will remain so.

I would have taken a healthy boy over what we experienced that weekend.

I only tell this so that you try to get some perspective. What you're experiencing is disappointment, not heart break.

Good luck with your baby 😊

FizzingWhizzbee123 · 21/12/2020 20:24

My DS is a total cuddle bug and a huge Mummy’s boy. It’s adorable. He doesn’t like getting dirty, he’s not particularly loud and doesn’t bounce off the walls. He loves books. Yes, he does love vehicles and trains a lot too but he really doesn’t fit any typical stereotype. I love trains now too, because he loves them and it makes me happy to see him happy. DS2 has just arrived and I’m delighted to have another boy, and would have been just as happy with a girl too. After a Down Syndrome scare, we’re just relieved he’s here safely and is healthy.

You have no idea who this little baby will be, don’t write him off.

FizzingWhizzbee123 · 21/12/2020 20:24

Also, he friggin loves Frozen. And my friend’s son regularly dresses up in his Elsa dress.

DougRossIsTheBoss · 21/12/2020 20:30

I mean I don't love trains and dinosaurs particularly but nor do I enjoy Disney princesses and My Little Pony. I think those are worse actually.
My point is that they grow out of all that stuff pretty quickly. Thank god.

You can't really know what they will be enduring interests until they get a good bit older. DH is over the moon that they both like Marvel and superheroes and Star Wars and I am happy that they both like nature and being outdoors. As they get older interests seem less sex segregated if anything.

DougRossIsTheBoss · 21/12/2020 20:33

My DS used to love a princess dress and some clacky plastic heels too as well as having his nails painted (still likes his nails painted actually)

I think it's partly just what they are exposed to. We had a tonne of princess dresses around from his sister and if she was dressing up he didn't see he should miss out. I feel a bit sorry for her that we didn't buy her superhero outfits actually as I think she probably would have liked that too. It's all just dress up to them.

DigOutThoseLemonHandWipes · 21/12/2020 20:34

@onedayinthefuture if you could remind me of that next time he won't do homework or dumps his dirty clothes on the floor please.

ThatchersGapingVag · 21/12/2020 20:37

Gutted that my daughter and him won't enjoy a close relationship as they would if I had 2 of the same

This statement is absolute nonsense.

My DH and sis are best friends. Some sisters hate each other.

Mumoftwo1990 · 21/12/2020 20:38

@goodnessgracel

Second time mum here. Just found out I'm having a boy and I'm gutted, never felt so sad. Please no judgment as I feel awful enough as it is that I just can't be happy to be pregnant.

I had a truly awful pregnancy with my DD and missed a lot of her first year due to PND. Worst thing I ever went through. Through a lot of therapy I finally became brave enough to try again. I felt this could be a healing experience as well.

What I didn't know is that I had this preconceived fantasy in my head all along. I so desperately wanted a girl with all my heart. I wanted a sister for my daughter and imagined two beautiful girls like in the movie Frozen, I must sound daft. I wanted two girls at the dinner table and two girls to talk to when they're grown. I imagined giving birth to another beautiful girl and healing from my horrible PPD and experience i had the first time. I love my daughter and I love being a mum to a girl. I know I can bond with a girl. I only realised all this once we found out the gender, that I had been cooking this all up in my head all along! Never really, critically thought about how I'd feel if it was a boy.

I'm gutted. So gutted. Afraid I won't be able to bond with him. Gutted that my daughter and him won't enjoy a close relationship as they would if I had 2 of the same. Been crying all day and I feel like an awful human being. I don't like the dinosaurs, trucks, active personality that comes with raising boys, yes its all a stereotype I am sure but each little boy I know fits it. Will he be too busy to cuddle like my daughter does, will we be close when he's older. I am heartbroken.

Please, has anyone felt this way and does it ever go away? I can't help but feel I've ruined it all.

Feel however you want to feel, I wasn't fussed either way because I was convinced we were having boys. So I was very shocked to find out we were having girls, my partner wanted girls though so I think he would have been a little disappointed with a boy. Although he wants a boy now and I've told him to get lost as I'm still recovering from PPD and my pregnancy was horrendous, so I understand not getting to bond properly
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