Absolutely gutted over gender disappointment

[goodnessgracel]

Second time mum here. Just found out I'm having a boy and I'm gutted, never felt so sad. Please no judgment as I feel awful enough as it is that I just can't be happy to be pregnant.

I had a truly awful pregnancy with my DD and missed a lot of her first year due to PND. Worst thing I ever went through. Through a lot of therapy I finally became brave enough to try again. I felt this could be a healing experience as well.

What I didn't know is that I had this preconceived fantasy in my head all along. I so desperately wanted a girl with all my heart. I wanted a sister for my daughter and imagined two beautiful girls like in the movie Frozen, I must sound daft. I wanted two girls at the dinner table and two girls to talk to when they're grown. I imagined giving birth to another beautiful girl and healing from my horrible PPD and experience i had the first time. I love my daughter and I love being a mum to a girl. I know I can bond with a girl. I only realised all this once we found out the gender, that I had been cooking this all up in my head all along! Never really, critically thought about how I'd feel if it was a boy.

I'm gutted. So gutted. Afraid I won't be able to bond with him. Gutted that my daughter and him won't enjoy a close relationship as they would if I had 2 of the same. Been crying all day and I feel like an awful human being. I don't like the dinosaurs, trucks, active personality that comes with raising boys, yes its all a stereotype I am sure but each little boy I know fits it. Will he be too busy to cuddle like my daughter does, will we be close when he's older. I am heartbroken.

Please, has anyone felt this way and does it ever go away? I can't help but feel I've ruined it all.

A mother & son bond can be very special OP. I have two DS’s I wouldn’t change it for the world. See if you can get some MH support before your DS arrives. Having a healthy child of any sex is a blessing.

Don't feel bad, gender depression is more common than people let on, and it's OK to have those feelings. I'm sure once he is here, he will steal your heart. Lots of people have unexpected pregnancies with similar feelings and it works out changing once the baby is here. Boys have a charm over their mummas, don't worry.. And you're daughter will no doubt be like a mother hen to him and he will be roped into playing more girly games and learn how to be kind to girls 😍

It's not your baby boy that you are sad about at all.
It's the end of your fantasy. But that was all it was, a fantasy. At some point there was a 90 percent chance that fantasy would be destroyed. Even if you had had a girl, she might have been into football and tree climbing. She may have hated her sister.

You need to understand that unhappiness is often triggered by a gap between your hopes and dreams and reality. You had a particular dream and yes it would have been lovely. But a healthy boy is not a tragedy. None of this is his fault.

I wanted daughters. I was one of 4 girls. I had 3 sons. I adore the bones of them and yes as littles they were just as cuddly. My daughter was my 4th child and I was rather surprised to find that despite having longed for a girl, I didn't, and don't, love her any more than my boys. In fact I have an extra soft spot in my heart for boy #3 who "in theory" was the biggest disappointment gender wise. Let me assure you, he is not and never was the merest iota of disappointing to me.

This is why I never found out the sex of mine. I know I would have been disappointed by boys who were "theoretical". I knew I would never be disappointed by a healthy baby lying in my arms. And I never have been.

I agree with previous posters, my son is way more affectionate than my daughter. Also, my daughter keeps telling me she is so glad she doesn't have a sister as she would have to share her toys with her! My daughter and son play so well together, even with different toys.

I know this is not overly helpful to the situation, but my sister and I are a year apart and not close. My husband and his sister are two years apart and the y are very close. His sister is not at all close to their other sister.

I have two boys and they are both totally different with separate personalities. Both are very cuddly though.

I’ve never even considered that boys are less likely to be quiet and cuddly.

Give yourself time and kindness to get over feeling sad OP, but I’m sure in a year you’ll wonder why you were so upset.

My DS (10) has loads of energy and loves skateboarding and running around and bikes and singing and writing poems and drawing and climbing and playing rugby and putting together outfits and collecting seashells and hunting for fossils and reading and painting his nails and playing Fortnite and camping and talks non-stop and still climbs on my lap for a cuddle at every opportunity and gives me loads of kisses at the school gate. I’ve got a video of him belting out ‘Let it Go’ at the top of his voice, complete with actions, at the age of 4

Sadly, I’ve only been able to have one child. But from talking with friends who’ve had more, I think it’s really common to worry about bonding with a second. When you love your first born so completely it’s hard to imagine duplicating that. You will

Having opposite siblings together can be just as special. I’m sure you’ll see it

You would perhaps have ended up with disappointment even with another girl if they hadn’t lived up to your expectations- I know a lot of sisters who aren’t close at all

It'll be fine. I'm sure you'll feel differently when your son is here. Maybe ease back on the gender stereotypes for both your children though.

Boys are more loving than girls! Girls are more independent. My little boy is 2 now and is so cuddly, he comes over for cuddles and says 'awww' he is adorable. You will love that little boy when he's here and won't be able to imagine him any different. Try and seek help for these strong feelings after having pnd last time, maybe your midwife can offer some support

Try & put it to the back of your mind & don't dwell on it. As soon as you see your baby you won't care I'm sure

I come from a similar legacy of girls being best (though the reality of the generations of women is less savoury) and the brothers being a terrible fit.

I promise you my boys adore each other, are so very cuddley, and have played with all sorts of toys.

I do think therapy would help but I hope one day you’ll be hugging your gorgeous boy (perhaps when he’s bigger than you and his sister is being teenage difficult)and look back on these thoughts.

OP, you are, in the nicest possible way, being a bit bonkers, projecting your DM's views and pre-conceived ideas about boys are like, and using the film Frozen as a reference. Have a cup of tea, calm down and listen to the posters on here. I had a boy second time around and if I had a third I would order another one. Boys are super cuddly, massively loving and super fun.

Secondly, I am not exaggerating when I say that all my friends have a difficult if not estranged relationship with their sisters. There is no guarantee whatsoever of an Elsa/Anna relationship (and even they had a communication issue until adulthood).

I have met a couple of mums who wanted girls and were gutted to find out they were having a boy. They fell in love with their little boy as soon as they held them in their arms and didn't want it any other way. I hope you fall in love with your little boy when you see and hold him. You are his mummy -you mean the world to him. I think you need to seek help .

Your children are their own people who will be who they are and not follow your script. Just because they're sisters doesn't mean 2 girls will get on famously.
I think you maybe need to go and talk this through with someone. I'm sure you'll find that your little boy turns out to be a delight that you couldn't even imagine

Sorry you are feeling like this. The way you have imagined it all is very idealistic and unrealistic. I have two sisters and one brother and tbh with you I prefer the company of my brother. I have never bonded with my sisters. My eldest always saw me as a threat and was horrible to me growing up, she's nicer to me now but I feel the relationship we had as children has definitely tarnished our adulthood relationship because I just don't trust her. And I just don't particularly like my younger sister, I find her to be very selfish and life and conversation tends to revolve around her.
I have also heard (don't know this first hand as I don't have a DS) but the bond between and mother and son is usually very strong. I'm sure you will love him just as much as you love your LG.

I have two daughters. They could not be more different, so if I was wanting to replicate the relationship with my first daughter with my second then I would have been disappointed.

Embrace the different experience of having a boy - it might be just what you need, rather than seeing a second dd in the same little dresses from a time you felt so sad and were struggling. See this as a new beginning. You’ll love him so much. He’s you little boy and your daughter’s brother - you’re going to watch them both grow up and become whoever they are.

Your poor little boy.

Op, get help and quick. It is not fair on your baby. We all have dreams and hopes but life ultimately takes over.

Your mum is an idiot, she shouldn’t have filled your head with that anti-boy nonsense stereotypes, kids of any sex can be calm, affectionate, boisterous or squealing monsters.

@goodnessgracel - I have three boys and none of them were too busy for hugs - and they still aren’t, even though they are in their 20s.

There are so many lovely things about having boys, and I am sure you will have a loving, playful son who will delight your heart. I even look back on some of the downsides with a rosy glow of nostalgia - now they have all pretty much left home, I no longer live in fear of the daily Application of the Lynx - something that could be tasted three rooms away - it is nothing less than weaponised fragrance.

Or how I know more about trains and cars than I ever thought possible.

My boys are all taller than me, and were, long before they went off to university, and whilst this meant I did have people available to reach things off high shelves, they did take every opportunity to pat me on the head and refer to my lack of height. But I miss it when they are away.

I think your view of 2 daughters is very idealistic.

Everything you wished for in a second daughter you can still experience with your son. There’s plenty of boys that aren’t zooming around and obsessed with dinosaurs or whatever. And plenty of men that are still close with their mums as adults

What do you imagine is different about a boy you haven’t even met yet vs an idea of what a girl would be like instead?

As someone said the other night, the only difference is a different kind of piss hole.

A baby is a baby. A girl could end up being a raucous tomboy. A boy could end up playing with dolls and dancing to Disney princesses.

There's no need to project these specific imaginary roles onto them that might never happen.

Brothers and sisters can obviously be close too