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Original poster

Absolutely gutted over gender disappointment

363 replies

goodnessgracel · 21/12/2020 18:43

Second time mum here. Just found out I'm having a boy and I'm gutted, never felt so sad. Please no judgment as I feel awful enough as it is that I just can't be happy to be pregnant.

I had a truly awful pregnancy with my DD and missed a lot of her first year due to PND. Worst thing I ever went through. Through a lot of therapy I finally became brave enough to try again. I felt this could be a healing experience as well.

What I didn't know is that I had this preconceived fantasy in my head all along. I so desperately wanted a girl with all my heart. I wanted a sister for my daughter and imagined two beautiful girls like in the movie Frozen, I must sound daft. I wanted two girls at the dinner table and two girls to talk to when they're grown. I imagined giving birth to another beautiful girl and healing from my horrible PPD and experience i had the first time. I love my daughter and I love being a mum to a girl. I know I can bond with a girl. I only realised all this once we found out the gender, that I had been cooking this all up in my head all along! Never really, critically thought about how I'd feel if it was a boy.

I'm gutted. So gutted. Afraid I won't be able to bond with him. Gutted that my daughter and him won't enjoy a close relationship as they would if I had 2 of the same. Been crying all day and I feel like an awful human being. I don't like the dinosaurs, trucks, active personality that comes with raising boys, yes its all a stereotype I am sure but each little boy I know fits it. Will he be too busy to cuddle like my daughter does, will we be close when he's older. I am heartbroken.

Please, has anyone felt this way and does it ever go away? I can't help but feel I've ruined it all.

OP posts:
Dinosaur19 · 21/12/2020 19:21

Get some therapy, this is not a normal reaction to a healthy baby. Sorry if that sounds harsh. My DS’s are the most loving little things. You could have another DD who’s an absolute nightmare. Good luck with your wonderful son.

Original poster
goodnessgracel · 21/12/2020 19:21

@Tierrasfuente this has actually made me laugh out loud, thank you. I am sure the pregnancy hormones aren't helping but I feel more than a bit insane right now.

Thanks all for your replies, I've really enjoyed reading them.

I think I'm projecting a lot of my DM's views, good lord am I only now starting to see she's done some damage! I kind of took her views to heart and now I "see" it in my husband's family i.e. the two older boys never text or call the parents but the youngest (girl) does. What i fail to acknowledge is that the girl was the most work and heartache out of all their children.

I think I'm looking for a lot of these patterns and stereotypes to say "see!"

OP posts:
angelopal · 21/12/2020 19:22

I should have had 2 girls. We lost DD1 neonatally. I went on to have DD2 and then DS1. It did take a little time to bond with him as was convinced he was a another girl. But they are both in amazing kids and would not change either of them.

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justanotherneighinparadise · 21/12/2020 19:22

Course youve found out you’re having a boy and you’re gutted! It’s never anything else!!! 🙄

sparklewhynot · 21/12/2020 19:22

I wished for everything you did going into the scan. And I got my wish - another girl. I honestly believed I'd have felt the same way as you if they'd have said it was a boy.

But, DD2 was never any of those stereotypical traits you are looking at. Yes she was far more clingy than DD1 and loved her cuddles more, but in every other way they are polar opposite. As a toddler she played in mud, wanted to eat worms, pretended she was a dinosaur. As she grew she joined the football team. The only bit of balance I have is that she likes to wear pretty dresses when we go out and always asks me to do her hair.

As siblings (3 years apart) they fight like cat and dog. They will snuggle over a movie, spend the occasional night in each other's beds, and they do read to each other.

They might be close when they're older, they might not. Yes I have the two girls that you badly crave, but it isn't all dollies and glitter I can assure you.

LightDrizzle · 21/12/2020 19:23

I only have girls but most women I know who have both, including one who has three of each, say boys are the cuddliest and girls are more independent. The mother of six said the same about the English Setters she also bred!

BrieAndChilli · 21/12/2020 19:23

Toddler boys might be a ‘handful’ throwing trucks and rolling in mud like you image of them (but in my experience toddler girls also can throw things!) but Girls a fucking nightmare from about 10 onwards! I have 3 kids and in year 5 of each of them the girls were botching and falling out and full of dramas!! I wouldn’t count on your toddler girl being all loving and doll like forever!!!

I have 2 boys and actually my most ‘boyish’ boy who loves to climb trees and play with lightsabers etc is actually the one who has always been the most cuddly, the one that wanted to sleep in our bed etc. He’s 10 now and he still wants a cuddle and tuck in with a chat at bedtime.

Your reaction is partly why I don’t think gender should be revealed! I didn’t find out with my first 2 and it was just a lovely surprise and when you are presented with your gorgeous tiny baby you don’t feel anything with love even if you were convinced they would be the opposite sex!
I did find out with my 3rd but purely because my sister was due the month before me and I wanted to know whether to give her the giant box of boy or girl clothes!!

sofiaaaaaa · 21/12/2020 19:24

now I "see" it in my husband's family

That’s one example out of how many millions of households? How do you know their dynamic isn’t the outlier? All you need is quick scan of threads on here to see the reality

fratellia · 21/12/2020 19:25

A lot of toy stereotypes can be self-fulfilling. Sure my son likes dinosaurs and cars but he also enjoys dolls and tea party sets, loves crafts and baking with me. Toys are toys. I don’t label anything as ‘that’s for girls’ ‘that’s a girls toy’ ect

If kids have a range of toys and activities on offer then they are likely to enjoy a range, not just the ones stereotyped to their sex.

AuntVictoria · 21/12/2020 19:25

My 2.5 year old DS is very cuddly - he's sitting on my lap right now. I am very close to both of my brothers, and a lot of my friends are close to their opppsite sex siblings. You can't know what will happen, but it won't necessarily be determined by your DC's sex.

Mumski45 · 21/12/2020 19:26

I have 2 teenage boys and they both still love cuddles. Your pre conceptions are nothing like the reality.

onedayinthefuture · 21/12/2020 19:26

Little boys are so darn cute, how can you not want one.

MiddlesexGirl · 21/12/2020 19:26

I think you have (a) a misconception about boys - they can be just as cuddly if not more so, and closer to their mums, than girls- mine certainly are and (b) that two girls will get on - my sister and I fought like cat and dog and then learned to ignore each other. And of the many friends I have with two girls, it really is a rarity that the two girls are anything more than housemates.

Staffy1 · 21/12/2020 19:27

I very much doubt that you won't bond with your baby. I was hoping for a girl, (although not that bothered when we found out it would be a boy). Very shortly after he arrived I was so glad he was a boy and couldn't imagine having anyone else. Won't it be nice to have one of each?

MrsBobDylan · 21/12/2020 19:27

They are all just humans. I have 3 boys, first two definitely not into cuddling, no.3 is still coming into my bed for a cuddle and he's nearly 7. He also likes shopping, shoes, sitting and drawing etc. However, he is going to be an army guy but wants to come home to see me every weekend so that's good 😂.

It's their personality that determines how they are not their genitalia.

Don't beat yourself up but do see if you can get some therapy before baby arrives so you don't have to carry the burden of your anxiety alone. Thanks

angelaEhen · 21/12/2020 19:28

girls and boys our both amazing. I have two boys, both very kind and loving I get loads of cuddles. Who cares what they play with, I loved learning about dinosaurs. I kept my sylvanian family from my own childhood both my boys played with them. I understand people can be disappointed but your reaction seems very over the top, I think some therapy is needed

sandycloud · 21/12/2020 19:28

I have a daughter first then a son. DS has always been so much more affectionate. I love them both the same but he is still cuddly at 16. I think boys always love their mums. My daughter is great but so independent. They get along fine. One of my best friends has 2girls. They fight all the time. I'm sorry you feel like this. I had a sister and no brothers so was worried about having a boy.

Stormwhale · 21/12/2020 19:28

I didnt feel like that, but for some reason didnt expect dc2 to be a boy. I did worry for a while that they would not be as close, but actually that couldn't be further from the truth. Dd adores her little brother, and he worships her. They have a 6 year age gap, and yet they play together every day. There is no rivalry at all, and they are absolutely thick as thieves.

Also we have been just in awe of the boy from the second he was born. I was scared that I wouldn't get him, that he would seem alien, but he doesn't. If anything his little personality is easier than dd to feel warm about. He is just so happy and carefree, whereas she is complicated and emotional.

I worried for nothing, and so are you. I know it must feel awful right now to be so distressed, but this baby is yours, and is a whole new little person for you to get to know and love.

We never felt like something was missing before ds came along, but he has brought so much fun and laughter into our lives its clear we needed him. Your little boy will bring wonderful new things to your family, and you will see your eldest in a whole new light as she loves him and helps with him.

Sending you an unmumsnetty hug.

Miseryl · 21/12/2020 19:29

Aw my eldest is a boy and at almost 15 he's a proper softie. So easy going and lovely with his little sister who's only 4. He was so sweet and affectionate growing up, even if he was a bundle of energy. I was a single parent to him for 9 years and we were/are super close.

My daughter, however, is a proper Daddy's girl. She even called me Dadda until she was about 2! 😂

DougRossIsTheBoss · 21/12/2020 19:29

I thought DC2 would be a girl and he was a boy.

I was more surprised than disappointed. After the number of miscarriages I'd had I just wanted any live baby. But admittedly in my head DC2 was always a girl.
I think I asked the sonographer to show me!

I had similar fantasies to you about 2 cute little girls who are best friends probably based on my lifelong closeness to my own sister and wanting to recreate our childhood.
The thing is you can't do that anyway! Babies grow into real people who don't fit with your pre-conceived ideas.

My dsis does have 2 little girls with our exact age gap but their personalities are not similar at all and whilst I am sure they do love one another they fight a lot more than my kids do and really don't have a lot in common.

Mine have a 4 year age gap and are different sexes but they are at least as close. When they were little they played together all the time very happily from as soon as he could play at all. Now she's a teen she says she hates him but she doesn't really. They spent ages choosing Christmas presents for each other and she used her own money to buy them.

We don't have fights over toys and I can always tell whose pants are whose! They do have some shared interests (eg the MCU!) as well as individual ones.

DS is loads more affectionate and empathetic than DD although I'm reluctant to say it's sex based.

I have found it a fantastic relief that he doesn't care what he wears as long as it's comfy after years of strops about clothes from DD. I have always found it a bit baffling why people care so much what their child is wearing.

I fear for him less growing up in many ways. It's still a harder world for women than men.

Hellothere19999 · 21/12/2020 19:29

I think boys have a really lovely relationship with their mum. My partner is one of four boys and they would kill for their mum. Nothing to say a boy and girl won’t get on just the same aswell.

1forAll74 · 21/12/2020 19:30

You simply have to get a totally different mindset about this. It is irrational as you say, but you can't do anything about having a boy this time. Having a Son and a daughter is what lots of people would like, and can be so lovely.

Stormwhale · 21/12/2020 19:30

Oh yes and he is SUPER cuddly. An absolute cuddle monster.

EntreMummy · 21/12/2020 19:31

I have always had a very strong bond with my DS - he was always very cuddly (I couldn’t put him down as a baby) and still is aged 9. He and DD have a very close relationship- they’re into the same things - they’ve enjoyed Frozen together and Marvel avengers and Pokemon! Grin

Try not to be scared about the prospect of having a boy - and every child is different, no child will ever be a direct replacement or replica of another.
I knew nothing about boys either, having grown up with a sister - it was all new to me, but I’ve found that it really doesn’t matter.

Seriouslyconfused3 · 21/12/2020 19:32

Boys are amazing op so much easier than girls ime you just need some time to adjust

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