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Original poster

Absolutely gutted over gender disappointment

363 replies

goodnessgracel · 21/12/2020 18:43

Second time mum here. Just found out I'm having a boy and I'm gutted, never felt so sad. Please no judgment as I feel awful enough as it is that I just can't be happy to be pregnant.

I had a truly awful pregnancy with my DD and missed a lot of her first year due to PND. Worst thing I ever went through. Through a lot of therapy I finally became brave enough to try again. I felt this could be a healing experience as well.

What I didn't know is that I had this preconceived fantasy in my head all along. I so desperately wanted a girl with all my heart. I wanted a sister for my daughter and imagined two beautiful girls like in the movie Frozen, I must sound daft. I wanted two girls at the dinner table and two girls to talk to when they're grown. I imagined giving birth to another beautiful girl and healing from my horrible PPD and experience i had the first time. I love my daughter and I love being a mum to a girl. I know I can bond with a girl. I only realised all this once we found out the gender, that I had been cooking this all up in my head all along! Never really, critically thought about how I'd feel if it was a boy.

I'm gutted. So gutted. Afraid I won't be able to bond with him. Gutted that my daughter and him won't enjoy a close relationship as they would if I had 2 of the same. Been crying all day and I feel like an awful human being. I don't like the dinosaurs, trucks, active personality that comes with raising boys, yes its all a stereotype I am sure but each little boy I know fits it. Will he be too busy to cuddle like my daughter does, will we be close when he's older. I am heartbroken.

Please, has anyone felt this way and does it ever go away? I can't help but feel I've ruined it all.

OP posts:
nc2000000 · 21/12/2020 20:38

Hi op, sorry haven't read the rest of the comments. But I think maybe your worries about bonding are coming from your pnd experience more than anything else- I get that, I had horrible problems bonding with my son for ages and I would have the same worries going into another pregnancy.
Could you try and access any therapy while you are pregnant? That could really help you and your worries about bonding with this child x

Ponypizzy · 21/12/2020 20:39

My DS is loving and kind and was never the kind of boy throwing things around and bouncing off the walls. He is 17 now and clever, level headed, funny and loving. He has his moments but I’ve never wanted a girl in his place ever. I’m fortunate to have a son and daughter and honestly I’d forget about stereotypes and just enjoy having a healthy family. Relax and be logical about this you will be fine and look forward to a lovely varied family.

Dinosaur19 · 21/12/2020 20:41

Why is it always boys who are the subject of ‘gender disappointment’ too, no ones ever disappointed when they find out they’re having a girl 🙄

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rottiemum88 · 21/12/2020 20:42

I don't like the dinosaurs, trucks, active personality that comes with raising boys

So this isn't just sudden gender disappointment. You already knew you didn't like the idea of having a boy and yet decided to have another baby anyway, when the chance of having a boy was 50/50. I think you've been very irresponsible.

RandomUser18282 · 21/12/2020 20:44

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Coffeeandcocopops · 21/12/2020 20:47

@Dinosaur19

Why is it always boys who are the subject of ‘gender disappointment’ too, no ones ever disappointed when they find out they’re having a girl 🙄
Because it’s munsnet. Probably the opposite on dadsnet.
lambo88 · 21/12/2020 20:48

Aww hun bless u...I understand how u feel as I was desperate for a little girl...I felt pressured to have a girl as there was no girls in mine or my husbands family...we didn't find out the gender until I gave birth and it was to a little boy...I can honestly say I wouldn't change him for the world...he's so beautiful and well behaved that I'm to scared to have another child incase there a devil 🤣honestly ur so lucky to have one of each and when u meet him it will be amazing xx

playdohismylife · 21/12/2020 20:48

Sorry to hear that you feel like this and it sounds like perhaps you should seek some help regarding possible depression as this reaction does seem quite extreme - although I can understand your disappointment as you had such a strong desire for another girl. As previous posters have said, there is no guarantee that two girls would get on and every child is different regardless of gender.
I am a mum to two boys and can reassure you that they are so cuddly, constantly say I love you, they are ridiculously loving. They do like wrestling, formula 1 and dinsoaurs but they also love baking, drawing, dancing, reading and playing with their teds - I think as long as you have a healthy baby you are blessed and will be completely surprised at how much you will love him.

Toomanyparsnips · 21/12/2020 20:49

Oh goodness me, you would not believe how much my two small boys love me. They shower me with affection and gifts and drawings and other little signs of their love. And I know lots of little boys like this, little boys are so loving and it's so easy to bond with them (and yes some of the stuff they like is quite boring but that would also be true of girls. Most kids' interests are dull, it's your child's interest that makes it interesting iyswim).

UsedUpUsername · 21/12/2020 20:54

Because it’s munsnet. Probably the opposite on dadsnet

Anecdotal but most of the men I know also favour girls.

PandaBearCub · 21/12/2020 20:57

You will have a girl and a boy. One of each. That’s the dream for many parents. And they’re healthy too. Did you get any professional help for your PND when your DD was a baby?

GintyMcGinty · 21/12/2020 20:59

Op

It will get better. You will get over it and you will love and bond with your son.

Gender disappointment is not uncommon and far more people experience it than you would think.

Unfortunately a lot of people aren't capable of being understanding or empathetic. This is an issue that just makes them angry and as such they will say horrible things.

Please try to ignore them. You can't help how you feel. And then being angry won't make you feel better or help the situation.

What will help you is a bit of time to adjust. And you will adjust and you will love your child.

Whatelsecouldibecalled · 21/12/2020 21:01

This has made me so sad to read as I sit and snuggle my little bit

Whatelsecouldibecalled · 21/12/2020 21:01

Boy!

PandaBearCub · 21/12/2020 21:01

@goodnessgracel

I know this all sounds extreme and I'm quite ashamed. I think it comes from my upbringing, my mum was always going off about how she was so happy she never had boys and how girls were the only ones visiting their parents in the retirement home she worked at. I struggle knowing whether or not her observation had any truth. My daughter is such a quiet, sweet cuddle bug and I just have this vision of a boy running wild around the house and slamming doors and throwing die cast trucks like my friends DS was doing last weekend. I don't think it's fair to him that I feel this way and it makes me feel awful, but I can't help this reaction and it makes me feel worse.
Even if you had another girl, you can’t guarantee that she’ll be quiet and stereotypically girly like your eldest. Most sisters I know are polar opposites. I know this is anecdotal, but my point still stands that you can’t predict a child’s personality based off their sex.
whatToDoHerre · 21/12/2020 21:03

You can assume your daughter would be closer to a sister than she would a brother. That's ridiculous. Some of the closest sibling relationships I know are brother and sister, and i also know many sisters who can't stand each other.

Bamboo15 · 21/12/2020 21:08

I think it’s easy to assume a second girl would be a repeat of the first one - in many cases you couldn’t be more wrong. I say this as the mum of a DD who spends all day long with trucks and dinosaurs.

shivbo2014 · 21/12/2020 21:08

I have a dd and a ds. I remember when I was pregnant with ds and had a slight preference for another little girl (mainly because dd wanted a sister) It wasn't as extreme as you I wasn't really that bothered either way. I'm just looking at my Beautiful, amazing, darling little boy now as he falls asleep and feel so guilty for ever even thinking I would have preferred a girl. The moment he was born my love for him was overwhelming, Im sure it will be the same for you. My dd also loves her little brother too.

GroundAlmonds · 21/12/2020 21:13

FWIW, of my two young adult DC (I have primary aged too but too soon to make predictions there) my DS confides much more in me and is probably emotionally closer to me than my DD, who I also get on very well with on lots of levels but can be quite private. Pure anecdata, I know, but you should know you are being influenced far too much by stereotypes.

iftherewereahorseyinthehouse · 21/12/2020 21:14

Is there something in this - you think you don't know how to be love a boy because you love your girl so much and he will be different? That's how I felt when I found out my second was a boy. It's almost like i wanted my girl all over again and finding out he was a boy ruled that out. He is my little cuddly angel now, it was all fine. I think you will be ok.

ivfbeenbusy · 21/12/2020 21:16

Yes it is extreme when you are carrying a perfectly healthy baby that was presumably easy to conceive? These threads are always about having boys and it's incredibly depressing - could perhaps sympathise if you had 4 boys already and just found out your 5th was another boy but you've already got the holy grail of what many people who experience "gender disappointment " want which is a girl? You are projecting your own stereotypes of children and sibling relationships on to your DD and unborn son. The sibling relationships I know which are the strongest are the brother/sister ones

TildaTurnip · 21/12/2020 21:21

I think we all knew before clicking on this title that it would be a boy. It is only ever boys that people are disappointed about having. There is something seriously wrong with how society is stereotyping to cause this. I’ve not once seen a disappointment about a girl (not that I want to).

I can see why it upsets those with boys.

justanotherneighinparadise · 21/12/2020 21:21

Yep.

justanotherneighinparadise · 21/12/2020 21:21

And it does.

Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 21/12/2020 21:22

This is so sad to read. Please get professional help. I have a boy whose two and I'm due another boy in a couple of months. My little one is so affectionate and loving and we have a wonderful bond. Your little boy will be the love of your life I promise you. But you need help to sort your issues.