Absolutely gutted over gender disappointment

[goodnessgracel]

Second time mum here. Just found out I'm having a boy and I'm gutted, never felt so sad. Please no judgment as I feel awful enough as it is that I just can't be happy to be pregnant.

I had a truly awful pregnancy with my DD and missed a lot of her first year due to PND. Worst thing I ever went through. Through a lot of therapy I finally became brave enough to try again. I felt this could be a healing experience as well.

What I didn't know is that I had this preconceived fantasy in my head all along. I so desperately wanted a girl with all my heart. I wanted a sister for my daughter and imagined two beautiful girls like in the movie Frozen, I must sound daft. I wanted two girls at the dinner table and two girls to talk to when they're grown. I imagined giving birth to another beautiful girl and healing from my horrible PPD and experience i had the first time. I love my daughter and I love being a mum to a girl. I know I can bond with a girl. I only realised all this once we found out the gender, that I had been cooking this all up in my head all along! Never really, critically thought about how I'd feel if it was a boy.

I'm gutted. So gutted. Afraid I won't be able to bond with him. Gutted that my daughter and him won't enjoy a close relationship as they would if I had 2 of the same. Been crying all day and I feel like an awful human being. I don't like the dinosaurs, trucks, active personality that comes with raising boys, yes its all a stereotype I am sure but each little boy I know fits it. Will he be too busy to cuddle like my daughter does, will we be close when he's older. I am heartbroken.

Please, has anyone felt this way and does it ever go away? I can't help but feel I've ruined it all.

I think you need to forgive yourself for your post-natal depression with DC1 and come to terms with the fact you’re gearing up for the same with DC2 and probably would have been boy or girl. Get support in place - talk to your midwife - see if you can arrange a support bubble. Good luck x

IMO this is everything that is wrong with finding out the sex beforehand.

If you have a baby and don’t find out until it’s born the baby is there and you have likely already bonded with it. But when you have a scan a few weeks into a pregnancy you have months to dwell on your disappointment.

Truth is you were never going to be assured of a girl, so if you were likely to be that devastated then you should have given this some consideration before getting pregnant.

And you were never going to have the experience you missed out on the first time because it would be a different baby, with a different personality, different habits and mannerisms, regardless of whether it was a boy or girl.

Believe me there are plenty of boys who don't fit your stereotype. I can assure you my DS was ten times easier than my feisty, determined dd!

As others have said you really need to see someone about this, your baby boy deserves better than be born into a family feeling unwanted.

I am sorry you feel this way. I have two boys. Having had my first, I really hoped that my second baby would be a boy, and was so happy that he was. My eldest is lovely company and always has been - chatty, so loving (in his words and actions), sociable. As a young child, he liked mostly gender neutral toys like building blocks, duplo, sorting and matching games, farmyard etc, but he did like his toy kitchen and play food, and also liked his dinosaurs.

Now as a 12 year old, yes, he likes watching and playing football. But he also loves art and craft stuff and cooking. He doesn’t stop talking. He is as loving as he ever was.

I really hope that by the time you have him - having felt him move all the time, hiccup (DS was a massive hiccuper), but some boy clothes or whatever, and then go through labour to deliver him, you will love your baby boy fiercely. And that live will never go away once it is there.

If it helps OP- my SIL has a DD as her eldest and a DS as her 2nd/youngest. She always used to comment how affectionate her DS was and how much more cuddly he was well into pre schooler years whereas her DD had been constantly on the go and would always wriggle out of a cuddle after 2 seconds. My MIL had 3 boys- so she has nothing to compare to- but says her middle and youngest were absolute cuddle monsters as little ones.
Yes Dnephew is into dinosaurs/trucks etc. but then again so is my DD (although she's still only a toddler). The relationship between Dniece and Dnephew is really lovely- she loves 'looking after' him (aka telling him what to do) and he often loves being mischievous and winding her up. I imagine your two DCs will love each other dearly and have a great relationship.
As other PPs have noted- if you have a history of PND I really recommend you put in some protective measures now for your mental health in prep for when baby comes- it may help to self refer for some psychotherapy in advance of baby arriving. Lots of NHS trusts offer self referral CBT sessions via phone/zoom. Hope your pregnancy goes well.

When your son proudly tells anyone that will listen that his mummy is a princess and he’s going to marry you and live in a princess castle you will 100% rethink any preconceived ideas!

I have girls and boys, all very different characters. I also had PND and felt that I missed out on bonding, I realise now that they loved me no matter what.
If anything the boys have been easier than the girls as they have got older

If you don’t like dinosaurs don’t buy dinosaurs!

I had 3 DDs then a boy I was genuinely worried about how I would ever live a boy as much as my DDs. Only one of my DDs is what you would call girlie, one was into dinosaurs, trucks etc, even now there’s only one who likes make up and dresses traditionally like a girl.

Anyway the minute my DS was born I fell utterly in love with him, he is amazing, DHs clone. He’s not a boy he’s just DS another little person.

I suppose it's good that you are feeling this now as opposed to when your son arrives, as it gives you time to adjust. As the mother of only boys, though, these threads make me very sad. You seemed to have deeply engrained stereotypical prejudices that you need to get over. Are you expecting your daughter to squeal with her friends when she's older, be bitchy behind their backs and be a moody teenager? These are all negative female stereotypes that you have conveniently ignored.

I’d love to have a daughter - I have three sons! Although I’m sad not to have a daughter I’m really happy to have all my boys. I’ve lost count of the number of times my littlest one has kissed me in the time it took me to scroll through this thread. My boys are ridiculously cuddly, 8, 7 and 3 and I had all of them in bed with me by the time I woke up this morning. They even cuddle each other. The older two ‘parent’ the little one as well in a way you might stereotypically expect from older sisters.

And as for when they grow up, my brother phones my mum every day and sends her a million WhatsApp’s and he is in his mid 30s. I do too. But that’s because we like her and she’s a good mum and we enjoy her company, it’s got nothing to do with us being male or female.

Hi op. I know 100 percent you will love your ds just as much as DD!! I have two boys, and they are super loving and affectionate! They are always saying how much they love me and constantly jumping on me for cuddles! I wouldn't change them for the world!!
I know how you feel about not liking cars, trucks dinosaurs etc, but that won't matter, you will love him so much, honestly, it doesn't matter what he enjoys playing with. You will join in because you'll see how much he enjoys it!
I know so many siblings, boy and girl who are so close, and have a fantastic bond! It really doesn't make a difference. I'm in my thirties and closer to my adult brother than to my sister!
Your so lucky to have one of each!! But do talk to someone about how you feel!

I have one of each and Dd and Ds are best friends.

I think if you have no experience of boys it can be initially quite scary but ultimately a healthy baby is the goal.

I have done so much I wouldn’t have done. Gone places I wouldn’t have gone to if I hadn’t had a Ds.

Look on it as a new experience

Also Ds was so giggly. Dd was a really serious child when she was a baby.

I don't judge you for feeling the way you do, OP, but, snuggled up in bed with my nearly 3 yo DS reading books, I don't really understand it.

We've had a fantastic day. We did playdoh this morning, wrote our letter to Santa and "posted" it, had a (cold) picnic in the park, went to the playground and bumped into a friend of ours (ironically with two girls). DS and the girls enjoyed rolling in the mud and making muddy puddle "soup". Then we came home and played with toys, including having a Teddy tea party (a favourite game of DS). And then watched Peppa and Night Garden until bedtime.

I can't really think of anything we'd have done differently today had DS been a girl.

I think I'm projecting a lot of my DM's views, good lord am I only now starting to see she's done some damage! I kind of took her views to heart and now I "see" it in my husband's family i.e. the two older boys never text or call the parents but the youngest (girl) does. What i fail to acknowledge is that the girl was the most work and heartache out of all their children.

On average, that pattern is there - that women are more likely to be close to adult parents, and much more likely to be carers to them. But that's the result of socialisation, not an inevitability - lots of families raise their girls with that expectation and not their boys. You could really work to channel this into something positive by thinking about ways to challenge gender stereotypes with both your children - is DD quiet and sedate because she is (in which case fine!) or because, like most little girls, that's what expected of her and what she gets praised for? Would she benefit from being encouraged to take more risk, to do more physical activities? And if you don't start with the expectation that your boy will be loud, boisterous and uninterested in relationships then there's no particular reason for that to be the case. And unless the relationship is actively bad perhaps your DH could model taking a more active and caring role with his parents? Babies aren't born knowing that daughters are in charge of family relationships and men don't have to bother themselves with them, that's something they learn from observation - but they don't have to.

O.k.....so I'm a mum to one of each older girl, younger boy, now 18 and 14.

When he was born the midwife said she's lovely and I said oh a girl! Water birth she hadn't seen and he was a lovely boy. I was anxious as I'm from a family of lots of girls and I had my brilliant dd, so what would i do with a boy?

But....they get on brilliantly and I love both of them v differently. She was a tricky teen who has turned into a wonderful young woman (with a somewhat fiery temper) and he's easy going and affectionate. He cooks with me and he got me into running, we have days out together just like I have with his sister. Their sex doesn't impact on the relationship.

You'll realise that your fantasy about two little princesses was completely unreasonable, don't you? If your baby HAD been a girl, you already had put some pretty unreasonable expectations on her. Maybe she'd have been an out and out tomboy who hated her hair long, had a voice like a frog and could go up a tree faster than spiderman.
As someone who suffered from PND, I feel I am seeing some of that here. I think you are beginning to become hormonally challenged again and need some therapy and some support, quickly. And don't be embarrassed to tell your doc how you feel. I knew my hubby wanted a boy and the first child was one. I wanted another and the second child was a girl. I went into a huff and refused to hold her for about 30 mins until my husband arrived and was ecstatic at his baby girl. I was gasping to hold her by then so I think you will feel lots of love for that baby when he arrives. But please, get help.

My rapidly approaching 10 years old DS made me a cup of tea this morning and brought it to me in bed. He asked if it was nice and I said 'yes delicious' he then asked me if I wanted to know why it was so nice, again I said yes he answer was "because I always put a big pinch of love in just before I add the milk". He also just leaped up from the table to hug me thanks for making his dinner.
I know about not getting the dream you have in your head - I wanted three but infertility had a different plan. I'm a sports lover and always thought my lawn would double as Wembley, Twickenham and Lords, I always imaged my kids (whether they were boys, girls or a mix) beside me at the football but nope I got one and he is very much his sports hating father's son. But I love him (actually so much it bloody hurts) I wouldn't swap the pain and longing and lack more children that infertility brought for the 3 kids I thought I would have because I wouldn't swap the brilliant, beautiful, loving boy I have for that fantasy. I'm sure you will love your boy just like I adore mine.

Hi OP,I am sorry you are feeling so down. Gender disappointment is illogical but it doesn’t make it any easier.

For what it’s worth, I am from a family of three with an older brother and sister. I have always been very close to my brother,not my sister.

I think you should try to talk to your therapist again when you calm down a bit. I can’t imagine the pregnancy hormones are helping at all!

I was in EXACTLY the same position.

I was devastated when I found out I was having a boy second time around. all the way through my pregnancy. Even after I had given birth. Even the first few weeks. BUT something changed around 6-8 weeks in. My boy is so easy. So happy. DD LOVES him. Things are much easier having one of each. She's still my favourite girl and he's my favourite boy.

Good luck. But you will love him (I doubted people when they told me this - but you will!)

I also think, and I hope you will too in the end, that it is almost certainly the best thing that this baby wasn't a girl with all these projections on her tiny shoulders. I know shattering that fantasy is painful right now, but it really is best left behind now - your hypothetical daughter would never have been able to deliver on the fantasy entirely, and if you kept trying to encourage her to it could have been very damaging. You can leave that behind now.

@AlternativePerspective

IMO this is everything that is wrong with finding out the sex beforehand.

If you have a baby and don’t find out until it’s born the baby is there and you have likely already bonded with it. But when you have a scan a few weeks into a pregnancy you have months to dwell on your disappointment.

Truth is you were never going to be assured of a girl, so if you were likely to be that devastated then you should have given this some consideration before getting pregnant.

And you were never going to have the experience you missed out on the first time because it would be a different baby, with a different personality, different habits and mannerisms, regardless of whether it was a boy or girl.

I had a friend who didn’t know the sex and ended up sobbing on the delivery table because it was a boy.

There’s something to be said about learning the sex early on to resolve any emotional issues around it.

Haven’t read all the replies but there are some bloody harsh ones on the first page.

I have a sister who I love dearly. I expected to have two daughters, to continue this sisterly bond. My ds came along and although there was no gender disappointment I remember feeling a bit shocked, didn’t really know what to do with boys. Anyway he’s 3 now and amazing. So cuddly and loving and dinosaurs are a lot more interesting than princesses! And he and his sister have a lovely bond, they get on really well.

I'm sorry this is bringing up so many emotions for you OP, but well done on writing them down. Therapy sounds like a good idea to Wade through these feelings before little one arrives for sure.

I had a boy after PND and PTSD from my daughter. I was almost admitted to the mental health unit twice in her first year, I was very unwell. My little boy is absolutely the light of my life. He is sweet and cuddly and snuggly in a way my daughter never was, and my children are very close to each other. It's hard to let go of what you thought parenthood would be, you'll get there though.

Hi OP, I had a Dd first. When I found out dc2 was a boy, I cried in the hospital toilets after my scan. I come from a family of women, my sister is my best friend, we'd got the same age gap and i had unintentionally pictured the same for my family. However ds is 3 now and I love him to bits. It's honestly lush having a boy. They're 6 and 3 now and they play play play all day long. Also for us the stereotypical comment that boys are easier than girls is totally true. You can't help feeling what you feel, but hopefully it'll pass and I'm sure your Dd will be a wonderful big sister to her brother.

I was gutted and cried when I found out I was having a boy but he is 5 now and honestly he is the most cuddly and loving child you could imagine. He loves to help and is so caring and sweet. Yes he likes dinosaurs and cars but he also enjoys colouring and his teddy bears.

He definitely won't be too busy to cuddle, my 19 month old ds stops his playing just to run over and give me a kiss

Mine are 5 and 9 and still do this.

A lot comes down to what you expect of him, and how you raise him, as well as who he is.

My eldest is quite quiet and shy, loves football and musical theatre, is a history and geography nut and is currently planning trips he wants to take with me when he’s a grown up. His favourite movies are Star Wars and the Sound of Music.

Youngest loves stories and singing and hot wheels cars, wants to ‘learn to be a man in a show’, adores animals and dressing up and his big brother.

They remind me a lot of my own brothers, who are still really close as adults and who are close to my parents as well.

Your boy will be as interesting and fabulous as you expect him to be.