Absolutely gutted over gender disappointment

[goodnessgracel]

Second time mum here. Just found out I'm having a boy and I'm gutted, never felt so sad. Please no judgment as I feel awful enough as it is that I just can't be happy to be pregnant.

I had a truly awful pregnancy with my DD and missed a lot of her first year due to PND. Worst thing I ever went through. Through a lot of therapy I finally became brave enough to try again. I felt this could be a healing experience as well.

What I didn't know is that I had this preconceived fantasy in my head all along. I so desperately wanted a girl with all my heart. I wanted a sister for my daughter and imagined two beautiful girls like in the movie Frozen, I must sound daft. I wanted two girls at the dinner table and two girls to talk to when they're grown. I imagined giving birth to another beautiful girl and healing from my horrible PPD and experience i had the first time. I love my daughter and I love being a mum to a girl. I know I can bond with a girl. I only realised all this once we found out the gender, that I had been cooking this all up in my head all along! Never really, critically thought about how I'd feel if it was a boy.

I'm gutted. So gutted. Afraid I won't be able to bond with him. Gutted that my daughter and him won't enjoy a close relationship as they would if I had 2 of the same. Been crying all day and I feel like an awful human being. I don't like the dinosaurs, trucks, active personality that comes with raising boys, yes its all a stereotype I am sure but each little boy I know fits it. Will he be too busy to cuddle like my daughter does, will we be close when he's older. I am heartbroken.

Please, has anyone felt this way and does it ever go away? I can't help but feel I've ruined it all.

My sister and I used to have far worse fights than any of my DSs have when we were teenagers.

My DSs do play fight, but strangely enough, they stop when they are told to do so, I don't just let them get on with it. This whole boys will be boys mentality is why boys get a bad reputation.

Haven't RTFT but it makes me sad to see these threads and don't get me wrong, I've struggled enough with my own mental health, I have every sympathy for that. But a healthy child...what more could you ask for? (FTM, 20 weeks with my perfect boy, anxiously awaiting my detailed scan this week).

But really, I'm sure you will love him when he is born. And my sister and I fought like cat and dog growing up, my brother was always so sweet and chilled out, even as a teenager. In fact I think he's secretly everyone's favourite

Checking back in again and can't thank you all enough again for the replies. I've read them all. Most of them are lovely and understanding that this goes deeper than face value and I appreciate those and you sharing your experiences very, very much.

I was previously on an antidepressant and I think I will see about getting back on it. I avoided it due to pregnancy but I am having a hard time with the emotions this time round. I hate that I feel I have no choice to get back on them and I have fear for the potential effects on DS's development but at the same time, feel it would be best for everyone's sake.

Forgot if I've mentioned but I have been seeing a therapist for about a while now to unpack how much the PND affected me the first time. It really truly was a horrid time with losing my nan at the time, then my job, and not being able to bond with DD properly, her being diagnosed with a health issue, on and on and I think it's given me a bit of PTSD if that's even possible.

I know I've come off as looking utterly ridiculous and selfish and I'm ashamed I feel this way. I started dreaming up this fantasy of having two DDs. I don't know why. It felt lovely and my heart felt full imagining it, gave me hope and filled me with love and inspiration after the first horrid pregnancy experience. Shouldn't have done that.

Something I find quite odd about my reaction is that I work with all men and I enjoy it very much. They're constantly taking the piss out of me and each other and I laugh all day when I'm at the office. Compared to the female dominated workplaces I was in before which were quite the opposite.

Still trying to figure out why I am so hung up on wanting a girl, I had this stereotype of them being so adorable, sweet, easy to love and boys being boisterous and loud and not being able to bond. Sounds like it will be a lot different than I've imagined it to be.

All the best OP. There is a lot of evidence that gender impacts on roles and relationships to the extent that the majority of carers for elderly parents are women so there is also something accurate about your future fantasies with a daughter. If you look at Carers UK you'll see that these cuddly sons don't necessarily have much input when they're 50.

I wanted a second girl. Was slightly disappointed when finding out we were going to have a boy. Obviously can’t imagine life w out my boy who is now 7!

Supremely unhelpful post @Jobsharenightmare ! My husband is much closer and more available to his mum than I am to mine. Absolute nonsense.

I have a DS and he's a freaking delight. And the brother/sister dynamic is wonderful. Good luck OP.

I had this stereotype of them being so adorable, sweet, easy to love and boys being boisterous and loud and not being able to bond.

Then that is going to be your greatest future joy. The revelation of how very easy your boy will be to love.

No one of us can explain it in a way that feels tangible now, but as I said upthread - you will look back on this thread/time, and you will feel very different emotions.

I think you should try and separate out the experiences of having a boy and having an adult son. Your little boy WILL be cuddly and affectionate and loving. He'll make you feel like his everything probably in ways that your DD won't. You won't find it nearly as hard as you imagine and you'll discover unthought of new joys.

On the other hand I think your mum is broadly correct. It is statistically less likely that your ADULT son is going to be visiting you in the old people's home every week. He probably won't include you as much in his life and that of his future family. That is just the way it is. When I think about my own family and all the families I've known this just how it plays out. You might get an outlier who calls you every day and brings your grandchildren round on the weekend but you can't count on it. But you already have a daughter who will fulfill that role so it won't matter too much.

I find your honesty refreshing OP.
There is definitely truth in the stereotype that boys are less likely to keep in touch with parents as adults, that daughters do stick around more.
But that doesn't mean your family will be the stereotype!
I hate the attitude of some "just be grateful for a healthy baby", it always comes from someone either with infertility struggles or who has both a boy and a girl already (or occasionally two girls). They can sod right off with their opinions!

I'm incredibly close to my son.
He was never interested in dinosaurs or trucks, he was only interested in drawing and craft modelling and is now a fine artist as an adult and that's his career, he is sensitive and loving and I have a great daughter in law too.
Not all boys follow the boy pattern, encourage other things so it's not all trucks and do them with him.

@Ohhgreat

I find your honesty refreshing OP. There is definitely truth in the stereotype that boys are less likely to keep in touch with parents as adults, that daughters do stick around more. But that doesn't mean your family will be the stereotype! I hate the attitude of some "just be grateful for a healthy baby", it always comes from someone either with infertility struggles or who has both a boy and a girl already (or occasionally two girls). They can sod right off with their opinions!

What you have tried to present as fact is nonsense.

@scatterolight

I think you should try and separate out the experiences of having a boy and having an adult son. Your little boy WILL be cuddly and affectionate and loving. He'll make you feel like his everything probably in ways that your DD won't. You won't find it nearly as hard as you imagine and you'll discover unthought of new joys.

On the other hand I think your mum is broadly correct. It is statistically less likely that your ADULT son is going to be visiting you in the old people's home every week. He probably won't include you as much in his life and that of his future family. That is just the way it is. When I think about my own family and all the families I've known this just how it plays out. You might get an outlier who calls you every day and brings your grandchildren round on the weekend but you can't count on it. But you already have a daughter who will fulfill that role so it won't matter too much.

Daughter to fulfil that role?! What a lot of expectation of a daughter. Many female relationships can be fraught due to expectations on daughters.

I get it, I had a boy first time who obviously I adore but 2nd time round I really wanted a girl. I had always dreamt of having a daughter. I was over joyed when i discovered she was a girl! Unfortunately not long after birth we discovered she has a rare chromosome disorder that means she is severly physically and mentally disabled. My dreams of that stereotypical mother/daughter relationship are smashed up anyway as she is so severly affected she will be unlikely ro ever reach the age of 2 developmentally and we deal with seizures etc too.
I really had taken having a healthy child for granted and focused on gender and now see how crazy that was snd how i would give anything for my daughter to have been a boy if she could have been healthy.
I don't mean to say your feelings aren't valid because they absolutely are, but hoped my perspective and hindsight might help.

On the other hand I think your mum is broadly correct. It is statistically less likely that your ADULT son is going to be visiting you in the old people's home every week. He probably won't include you as much in his life and that of his future family. That is just the way it is. When I think about my own family and all the families I've known this just how it plays out. You might get an outlier who calls you every day and brings your grandchildren round on the weekend but you can't count on it. But you already have a daughter who will fulfill that role so it won't matter too much

Bollocks.

Much of the behaviour above again is social conditioning. My dh speaks to his mum and dad every day, and caring is roughly split between him and his sister.

Caring responsibilities are as much logistical and geographical as gender based. I moved away so my sibling does the bulk of the caring.

Your own attitude towards your sons matters hugely as well. How many people speak to the mum, and never the dad when discussing children? I’ve known parents speak to exes rather than their own sons following divorce.

Lots of women who believe this shit also subscribe to other gender stereotypes. When their sons are always off doing boy things with dad, while they do girl things with dd, naturally you don’t form such a strong bond.

The best way to ensure your adult children stay in touch with you - regardless of their sex - is to be a loving, supportive parent as they grow, who gives them wings, and doesn’t place any expectations on them.

Maybe all my experiences have all been anomalies but my ex is fantastic with his widowed mother, regular contact, regular visits, holidays, everything. My dad still takes every care with my grandma, and obviously loves her.

I don't have much time for a lot of those old wives' tales about a daughter being for life, son till he meets a wife etc . It's a very dated view that people sometimes use as an excuse for demonstrating a preference.

I think it's awful when people fetishise having a boy too.

Innocent babies don't need any of that marring their birth.

It's all a bit sad.

@Ohhgreat

I find your honesty refreshing OP. There is definitely truth in the stereotype that boys are less likely to keep in touch with parents as adults, that daughters do stick around more. But that doesn't mean your family will be the stereotype! I hate the attitude of some "just be grateful for a healthy baby", it always comes from someone either with infertility struggles or who has both a boy and a girl already (or occasionally two girls). They can sod right off with their opinions!

This is due to societal expectations not genetics.

Unfortunately we seem to be a long way from really challenging these stereotypes if posts on this thread are anything to go by.

I honestly cannot think of any of my male friends or family members who abdicate all responsibility for their parents and just leave women to it. It's just as likely in my experience that they will visit and care as a daughter.
I mean otherwise people with only sons would be a bit buggered and they really aren't.

In my job I work with old people in hospital and honestly the proportion of sons to daughters calling to find out how their mum is and being involved in their care is about equal.

Even in the land of soap opera stereotypes working class men are famously devoted to their mums.
Thousands of MIL threads on here will testify to the truth in that for many men.

It's just absolutely bizarre and untrue certainly in British culture to think that sons don't visit or care about their parents.

I'd better tell my male cousin who's two sisters both moved overseas to stop seeing his elderly mother and instead demands that one of his sisters returns from Australia as it is her job to look after their mum.

I meant to add to my previous post, guess what my 3 year old DS has asked for as his Christmas present? Anna and Elsa Frozen II dolls 😊 (He's currently singing Lost in the Woods at the top of his lungs to delay going to sleep)! I hope therapy is helpful for you in unpicking some of the difficult thoughts and feelings that your mum's judgements have placed on you x

@Ohhgreat where do you get off? Why does someone being grateful for a healthy baby offend you? Do you have any idea of the heartbreak of infertility and how unbelievably selfish and shallow it seems to those of us who may never have a child that others are weeping because their healthy child is a boy/girl?!
Yes it is all relative but being upset over the gender of your baby is disgusting, selfish and sexist.

Thats my point - you aren't upset that you are pregnant, or that the baby is healthy, you are immensely grateful for that. But at the same time you're upset because your future won't look the way you imagined. That's perfectly legitimate, and doesn't mean you're a bad person!
Though if someone complains they won't have a certain gender knowingly in front of someone who is struggling with infertility, that is definitely insensitive and wrong.

Got four boys, get loads of cuddles all the time. All very different in personality. Didn't find out sex as just took as we will have whatever is meant to be. Delighted with each one.

You will love your son when he arrives OP. Please seek counselling if you can just now. You need someone imp

Believe it or not OP, many people have gender dissapointment. It is likely something that will heal with time. Do talk to your therapist about your thoughts and they will be able to guide you to rationalize your thinking.

No matter how much we imagine things in life, they never go that way. You could have had another girl and your daughter be jealous that shes not the only baby girl anymore. You could then have spiralled into a deeper depression because life still wasnt going the way you wanted.

I'm a huge disney fan and everyone i knew thought i would have a girl, for the whole 'disney princess' kind of image. I had a boy, and I love him to pieces. I couldnt imagine life any other way.

When baby is born, it doesnt matter whats inbetween their legs - they will still act the same (eat poop and sleep) for a very long time and by then youll love them wholeheartedly.