Mil expressed to me how she doesnt get do what nans do??

[Sophie1029734]

Hi everyone my baby is 9months.
The conversation we had was very calm, I tried to understand her and there was no bad blood.
She believes that all the nans around her are babysitting their grandchildren and she isnt. That when I go down to my families house once every 2 or 3 weeks for 2 days, they have more involvement because they get to do baths, feeds etc whilst she doesnt. Shes expressed that she wants one to one time to babysir so she can bond. My partner told me the other day how mil cried when my grandad picked me up on the day lockdown lifted, she saw him hold the baby as she happened to pull up to visit from a distance. I already told her I dont want to transfer from house to house and ofcourse.. I havnt seen my family in ages. Mil lives 2 mins away, even if it's from a distance shes been able to see lo. it's not all about who sees the baby too . ifs about who I want to see and I missed my family.

Out of lockdown I see her friday, I go round saturday and most times Sunday and will sometimes knock through the week. I've never felt the need to have her in the house tagging along with me and the baby which is what's been suggested. I've never felt the need to give my baby to them for a couple hours as I dont work and i dont need that. I dont see why the time she has isnt enough? She believes because she isnt doing nappy changes, having alone time, bathes, feeds, taking her walks that she isnt being a nan. She seems to compare me to everyone. In the conversation she went on about how the people around her are babysitting and she isnt, how she let her mum babysit the boys. She expressed to my partner the sadness of seeing videos of how involved my family can be and how she doesnt get that. I'm letting her take lo for walk in the pram, I'm also letting her come round when she has a day off to sit with baby in living room and I'll go elsewhere.
Despite giving her more time and ending the conversation really well, I dont understand the pressure from her and her family to give mil alone time? Time to do baths and all that? Why isn't the time she has worn lo already enough?

@Sophie1029734

I've never worked, I got pregnant just as a finished college. It wasnt expected but partners got a good job. I tend to a bit introverted and seeing mil so much during the week can feel a little smothering. Maybe I should reduce the many visits and set up a day where she can take baby fir a walk, then have time alone with baby?

When you say college do you mean post 16 college so you're 18 and living far from your family with baby? I can understand a bit more why mil might feel like she's smothering you if you're still quite young and that was all an unexpected surprise.

I think it's important to think about what long term relationship you want with mil and DD. Do you envisage her babysitting if you go to work or want a night out with dp? Or do you envisage moving back towards your parents?

Maybe I should reduce the many visits and set up a day where she can take baby fir a walk, then have time alone with baby?

I think that sounds like a very sensible compromise. Then you don't feel so invaded and she feels a bit more included. I think it is definitely different looking after a baby when the mother isn't there as you feel a bit less self conscious, talking and caring for them. Unless there's a big back story about your MiL's cruelty towards your DH, it doesn't sound like there's anything more sinister than her wanting to be like an involved GP. My boys spent time with my in-laws and they have a very good relationship but don't mistake them for their parents!

My mother did the fun stuff with dd. I did the practical stuff. Your mil sounds like she want to play mum. I understand your reluctance. I was unable to depend on my fil as he lacks the capacity to look after a baby / young child. I never left him and dd alone. But it sounds as though you have a mil, who wants to be involved, which is a god send.

Perhaps it would be easier to have fewer but more targeted meet ups with her. You already are ok with her going for walks with a pram would be enough. You could maybe invite her over at bath time or meal time and get her to feed / bath your baby. You can then be in the kitchen / make lunch / tidy up while she looks after the baby and be putting laundry away while she bathes the baby. That way you’re in hearing distance and can nip in a couple of times to change towels / put them away without seeming too obvious. Ie manage your anxiety and manage her needs.

And cut the visits back. Make them more fulfilling for her. It seems like neither of you are getting what you want. She’s pushing. You’re withdrawing.

Your MIL does sound a bit much with all these demands for photos and seeing you multiple times a week.

If you are introverted I’d take advantage of the offer to have baby, leave her to it now and again and go read a book/get your hair cut/have a coffee. There may be less offers once your baby is a active toddler!

It was well out of order for her to put pressure on you not to breast feed.

@Sophie1029734

Shes sees her atleast 4 to 5 times a week. So partner isnt really bothered to be honest

But what is his attitude to how pushy she is? Does he ever take her to mil on his own?

she put lot alog of pressure to parent differently, to not breastfeed so she could bottle feed.

she made that time worse for me, she would ring 3+ times a day, even early mornings and wiped wake the baby up after an all nighter.

I think if you'd put this in your OP you'd have got a unanimous YANBU OP. I think we can see what sort of woman MIL is by these two facts alone.

MIL is clearly being ridiculous. Even without Covid, she doesn’t need to be that involved with a 9 month old unless you really want her to be.

Hasn’t she grown out of the “it’s not fair, so and so gets to go to bed later, eat more sweets, have more expensive toys” than me level of childish comparison with her friends? What sort of values are those to be passing onto a young child?

I’m a granny to an 8 year old who I see about once every two years for about 5 days because I live abroad. We were due to visit this summer but obviously didn’t travel. We chat on FaceTime and she sends notes and pictures but we’re not her parents so I don’t feel the need to be responsible for her upbringing. I have friends who are more ‘hands on’ grandparents but they don’t have much of a personal life as they run their schedule according to what their DIL’s want in terms of childcare.

As the parent, it’s your choice how much involvement you want MIL to have. I brought my children up without any grandparent involvement (as both sets were deceased) so I don’t think having them centrally involved is particularly essential.

I'd go one day in the week, bit actually have a conversation with her rather than ignoring her whilst you play on your phone.

Then do with do one day over the weekend or get her to come to yours. The older DD is the easier it is at home as it's baby safe and you have all her toys there.

If she wants extra time, that's for do to sort and you can have a long bath whilst he pops baby round for an hour or whatever

What does your partner think about all of this? You seem to almost imply everything to do with your baby is your decision and your business. You never mention your do at all in your OP, I actually wondered if you had one. You might trust your parents more, he might actually trust his more - has that occurred to you?

Its not the amount of time she sees the baby , it's the fact you won't let her hold the baby.

Looking at is very different from holding.

Why can't you let her join you for one bath time ? Just to that one kind thing.

Playing with my GS is very different when parents are there and when they are not.

I'm lucky my D and SIL love the fact that the grandparents love him as much as they do. They love seeing others getting joy from their child.

Is there any reason she can't occasionally come and do bath time? At 9 months old this is a fun part of the day and you could take the time to read or watch tv. It sounds like she'd like to be more involved when she does see your child, so maybe allowing her to have a play, cuddle and feed lunch whilst you are busy elsewhere might be enough.

Why is your partner not dealing with his side of the family?

There are no rules or regulations about how often a grandparent needs to see a grandchild. To hell with what ''all the other'' grandparents around her are doing or not doing!

If it's even true about how much one to one time her friends are getting with their own grandchildren (which to be honest sounds like another bit of made up bollocks to guilt trip you) it might well be because they are having the GC while the parents work. There's no need or responsibility for you to match up with what other families are doing.

Pick a day which suits both of you to spend a few hours at her house or yours and stick to that. Honestly - if DH wants to take the baby round to hers for a couple of hours on a weekend day then let him, but i wouldn't be going then as well.

you are much nicer than me, you see your MIL up to 3 times A WEEK and she is complaining it's not enough!

I would stop seeing her so much frankly.

A baby is not a toy, she doesn't need to "play with it", she is completely ridiculous.

I can't stand these people who have no respect for boundaries. Instead of being grateful she can see her grand child so much, which is really nice, she is just being silly. You do need to impose more balance.

Lockdown or not, it's FINE not to want to get rid of your baby and find a babysitter from the first week. It's ok. She will have plenty of babysitting later if it can help you.

fuzzymoon MIL does hold the baby. When it's not lockdown OP is round there 3 times a bloomin week with the baby! And she has to send a photo every day

Ye gods.

I was clearing out my study yesterday, and found a very 'ordinary' photo of my daughters at my PIL's. But it took my breath away because of the expression on my late FIL and MIL's faces. I even told my daughters (now in their 30s) about it when I met them for a walk later in the day.

It wasn't posed, it wasn't a 'good' photo, but their faces were so full of love as they interacted with my one and two year olds.

My daughters had a wonderful relationship with them. Let your child have that too.

(But I think one day a week of quality time with your MIL, as opposed to three days with her just sitting there, is the answer)

DD started staying at Mil's from a toddler and I did have to get over myself a bit about things Mil did that I wouldn't have. But she brought up 4 kids by herself so she had a few things to teach me about being a bit less uptight. Now Mil and DD have a brilliant relationship and I have appreciated the (pre lockdown) child care if we want a night out.

@Laiste

she put lot alog of pressure to parent differently, to not breastfeed so she could bottle feed.

she made that time worse for me, she would ring 3+ times a day, even early mornings and wiped wake the baby up after an all nighter.

I think if you'd put this in your OP you'd have got a unanimous YANBU OP. I think we can see what sort of woman MIL is by these two facts alone.

yes. Posters need to read that again.

Is there a FIL OP?
And how old is MIL?

In the most basic and honest sense of the expression - MIL needs to get a life. A life which doesn't revolve around expecting her DIL to facilitate daily contact with her grand child.

No one has held her.. its lockdown.

I see my family for 2 days every 2 to 3 weeks. When I stay over we are in a closer situation where they are just help with nappy changes, bathes etc.

These statements can't be simultaneously true

I think the OP means nobody held her baby during lockdown but MIL could physically see her. Her own family didn’t see them during lockdown. Outside of lockdown (like now or during the summer) OP travels to her family. Outside of lockdown everyone is allowed to hold the baby.

@Debradoyourecall

Your MIL does sound a bit much with all these demands for photos and seeing you multiple times a week.

If you are introverted I’d take advantage of the offer to have baby, leave her to it now and again and go read a book/get your hair cut/have a coffee. There may be less offers once your baby is a active toddler!

It would be nice too if your partner could take baby at weekends to MIL. Less pressure on you to do it , a bit of time to yourself etc. You don't want to fall into the situation where you are the one responsible for interactions with MIL , it is his Mum!

My MIL and FIL see DD about once a month. Sometimes less often if we're all busy. DD is 6 now and it's always been that way. They live an hour and a half away.

When we all see each other DD and MIL and FIL have a wonderful time together. They chat and play and sing together and catch up on what's going on in her life. They draw with her and read to her and these days she shows them what she'd doing on her i pad and her school work. She looks forward to seeing nanny and grandad. She draws them pictures. Sometimes we send them to MIL and FIL sometimes we deep them to give when they come round. DD loves them and feels loved by them.

Neither MIL or FIL have changed a nappy or bathed her. Never had her overnight or taken her out without me or DH. There's been no need or inclination to. Guess what - IT HASN'T DAMAGED THEIR RELATIONSHIP. They're her grandparents and she loves them.