Mil expressed to me how she doesnt get do what nans do??

[Sophie1029734]

Hi everyone my baby is 9months.
The conversation we had was very calm, I tried to understand her and there was no bad blood.
She believes that all the nans around her are babysitting their grandchildren and she isnt. That when I go down to my families house once every 2 or 3 weeks for 2 days, they have more involvement because they get to do baths, feeds etc whilst she doesnt. Shes expressed that she wants one to one time to babysir so she can bond. My partner told me the other day how mil cried when my grandad picked me up on the day lockdown lifted, she saw him hold the baby as she happened to pull up to visit from a distance. I already told her I dont want to transfer from house to house and ofcourse.. I havnt seen my family in ages. Mil lives 2 mins away, even if it's from a distance shes been able to see lo. it's not all about who sees the baby too . ifs about who I want to see and I missed my family.

Out of lockdown I see her friday, I go round saturday and most times Sunday and will sometimes knock through the week. I've never felt the need to have her in the house tagging along with me and the baby which is what's been suggested. I've never felt the need to give my baby to them for a couple hours as I dont work and i dont need that. I dont see why the time she has isnt enough? She believes because she isnt doing nappy changes, having alone time, bathes, feeds, taking her walks that she isnt being a nan. She seems to compare me to everyone. In the conversation she went on about how the people around her are babysitting and she isnt, how she let her mum babysit the boys. She expressed to my partner the sadness of seeing videos of how involved my family can be and how she doesnt get that. I'm letting her take lo for walk in the pram, I'm also letting her come round when she has a day off to sit with baby in living room and I'll go elsewhere.
Despite giving her more time and ending the conversation really well, I dont understand the pressure from her and her family to give mil alone time? Time to do baths and all that? Why isn't the time she has worn lo already enough?

OP -

I think you’ve confused people by mixing up what each family are allowed to do in and out of lockdown. And some people will think of lockdown as being since March and you’re referring to the most recent month of lockdown. Is that right?

So in usual COVID times, MIL gets to see baby more and hold and play with baby. Your family get the same but less frequently.

During the month of lockdown just gone, no one held baby. Your family didn’t see baby at all and MIL did but not with the usual cuddles. Your family were then the first to get to hold baby out of lockdown because you were going to visit them as you hadn’t seen them for a month.

I have a feeling if you leave your baby with mil she will move on to the next thing. Whole afternoons, bathing them then start hankering after overnights.

Do what you want. She sounds pushy.

Sounds like she has reasonable contact but is being pushy. Don’t feel bullied into letting her hang out at your house, she might start staying all day....

So here is a bit of a cautionary tale for you...

My SIL feels the same way as you about my parents. They physically saw her baby regularly, but she was holding, feeding, caring for her, they were basically just in the room. My kids have stayed with my parents (and my ILs) for an hour or 2, then overnight since they were very tiny. Roll on a few years, my parents have the most wonderful, natural relationship with my kids - days out, cozy sleepovers, annual trips into London that they look forward to for weeks etc. Much as my parents love my niece to pieces, the relationship is not the same, and that's so sad.

Watching your child develop their own relationships with people - starting with the family who adore them - is beautiful, and teaches them how to get on in the world on their own, without you as fixer or gatekeeper.

Celebrate that your baby is so loved - who doesn't want that for their child?

Furryturniphead: i do not take my baby to the toilet with me? I leave her with mim when I do stuff around the house. I dont understand what it is grandmas are supposed to do? That's why I'm asking why she has an issue with not haveing a part in the careing side but isnt happy with the tone of time she gets. Someone said theres a difference between time and quality time and that made me think of it all a lot differently

I understand where you are coming from. Your mil feels she is missing out because she is not having dc exclusively. However, you’re a sham, so don’t actually need her to childcare for you whilst you’re at work. However, mil does see dc a lot, whilst visiting you etc.

As others have said, she’s being pushy. Don’t feel manipulated in doing what she wants.

Sophie: the though of haveing her hoovering around the house with me and the baby is a stressful thought.
.......
When I had a baby I'd have been happy for anyone to hoover around, I'd have gone out and left them to it, or gone up to bed for a sleep!

I think you need to be a bit more even handed with how you juggle your parents and your husband's parents; at the same time, your mother in law must accept that we've been in lockdown and there are still restrictions. However, you appear to go and see her regularly enough - just let her do a bit more - go shopping for an hour or something like that. For you to say you trust your family more than her is a bit much unless you have reason to mistrust her. What's going to happen when you return to work?

It is frustrating when you don’t want to leave yojr baby with someone when you’re not ready.

When you MIL visits, why do you need to sit in the same room? Just get on and do what you need to do, that way she gets ‘responsibility’ and your baby is in the same house as you.

I was the same, didn’t feel comfortable leaving baby somewhere completely without me and my MIL was more than happy to come to ours for me to go and relax in our bedroom ( i would watch tv, pamper etc,) and was only a shout away if she needed me, she would then do a couple of feeds and help with bathing and then go home.

She is BU if she is demanding 1-1 time at her house.

I’d love to have a MIL or anyone interested in helping change nappies, feeds, baths etc.

You can tell your MIL not everyone is getting help from their babies’ nan - my baby is 11 months old and to protect her grandparents she hasn’t been held once by them since March, we’ve had to keep a crawling, climbing baby away from them during visits.

Smile and nod, say there will be plenty of opportunities to babysit in the future and carry on as you are if you are happy seeing your MIL several times a week.

Start maybe by popping to shop and leaving her a bit when you are happy to do this? Be mindful that she sounds like the type who push got overnights.

I didn’t leave my DD overnight with anyone for a long time, there just wasn’t the need.

I'm a grandmother. I'm very lucky that I have the most wonderful daughter in law. I've always understood that she's going to be closer to her family and spend more time with them. But she makes time for me too. Your posts just scream all about you, what you need, your family etc. Your mil just wants a bond with her grandchild. And the relationships with grandparent and grandchild are so special. The more love and affection our children are surrounded by the better. If you ask my grandchildren what's the best thing in the world to do they'd say play round nans house. Give her the time to bond. It won't hurt an hour or so a week on her own. I know my grown kids appreciate the break

I've never worked, I got pregnant just as a finished college. It wasnt expected but partners got a good job. I tend to a bit introverted and seeing mil so much during the week can feel a little smothering. Maybe I should reduce the many visits and set up a day where she can take baby fir a walk, then have time alone with baby?

Just leave baby with her at her house for a couple of hours. The baby will be fine, MIL will be happy, you can have a shower in peace. Job done. It is always hard at first to leave baby, but consider I had to go back to work at that stage and leave mine with a childminder for 8 hours, I really think you are being precious.

@letsmakethetea

You do not have to leave your baby alone with anyone unless you really want to!

This ^

I think at 9 Months you really could let MiL bath your baby or have her independently for an hour. It would be good for your baby to become less dependent on just you and would be a pleasure for MIL.

I feel like my time has forcibly been focused on seeing mil because of the pressure she has for more time. Now I relise maybe it's not the time but the closeness she has during it. If I didnt go on a weekend day I'd get a message saying she missed us which is fine. I always have to take pictures of baby and send them to her. Now thinking about it Its always on my mind, if the babies being cute and laughing? I have to stop to send it to mil. I'd I dont send her a pic for a day I'll get a message about wanting to see lo and shes missing her. I think i need to create a balance with her

It can sometimes be about the little things about not having others around, like feeling like you can sing and be silly or do the things that are special for you own family (we used to do coloured baths for example). I'd let her know you're not ready to leave her but start/think about small things you can pop off and do even in the house, go make a phone call you know will take a while.

We had a similar issue - due to building work we're staying with my parents a lot at the moment, so they're getting to do lots of baths and meals and bedtimes, all the lovely little moments that make you feel really connected, while MIL is just doing the "fun" stuff. It's been really getting her down, she's worried that DD is going to grow up just seeing her as a playmate rather than someone to be trusted and depended upon, so we've been making sure that when we go over there MIL gets to do the caring bits too. She'll put her down for a nap, or take her for lunch, or I'll go lie down upstairs for a bit and they'll hang out together, or DD has a random middle of the day bath...

No, i don't need her to do any of it. But it doesn't hurt me to do it, and it makes her happy, so why shouldn't i?

Your MIL has very maturely told you how she's feeling. She feels less involved with your DD, even though she sees her more. She feels just like a random person in her life, rather than her nan, she doesn't feel like she has a special relationship with her, and it's making her sad.

It costs you nothing to make that better. So why wouldn't you?

OP sees her MIL several times a week, OP is doing nothing wrong, MIL is a drama Queen. I’m lucky my own MIL wasn’t pushy or manipulative crying about having my children without me, as a result it made me feel much more relaxed and trusting. Being pushy and moaning and crying pushes people the other way.

tend to a bit introverted and seeing mil so much during the week can feel a little smothering. Maybe I should reduce the many visits and set up a day where she can take baby fir a walk, then have time alone with baby?

As a fellow introvert I loved PIL taking baby out for a walk because it meant I could be blissfully alone for a bit. My PIL are much further away than yours and I wouldn’t deal well with 3 days a week of visits!

Don’t think I’d arrange for PIL to have alone time with baby in my house cos I’d feel I was hiding, but maybe DH could take baby round.

I’m slightly confused by all these people saying just leave the baby with MIL. The OP was very insistent that we had just been in LOCKDOWN, so surely keeping to all the rules. So how many bubbles has she formed?

She feels like you are "babysitting her with your DC" & you feel smothered. So go round less but leave DC there a bit longer maybe each time. Or let your partner & her have DC there for an afternoon to develop their bond together. When DC is a bit older you will likely really appreciate her help being round the corner & maybe like an afternoon away or a day from DC. It's a lovely thing for all. Your DC will be able to have a good relationship with both sides...lockdown won't be helping of course you can't "go off and do much" but maybe now you could go to the shops or just go home & have a bath yourself?

Things like bath time & feeding are nice for grandparents to do so I can understand it but it's hard during lockdown.

Now thinking about it Its always on my mind, if the babies being cute and laughing? I have to stop to send it to mil. I'd I dont send her a pic for a day I'll get a message about wanting to see lo and shes missing her. I think i need to create a balance with her

Yes this sounds crazy! You have to send her a photo you get guilt trip messages?! Bugger that.

I think you've over complicated your explanation of what's going on OP.

MIL sees baby at least 3 times a week along with the baby's mum. She demands contact every day - photo ect. She is jealous because the other nan (OPs mum) gets overnight contact once a month due to distance.

YANBU OP and MIL needs to get a grip.

So, out of lockdown, your MIL sees baby loads, plays with her and gets to cuddle her? No reason to complain imo. Your baby isn't a pet or a doll, she's your young baby. It's very unfair if there are different rules - without good reason - for different sides though.

Fwiw my PIL never bathed or changed my DDs. They never fed them. They never had them over night. However, neither did my parents. Plenty of visits and cuddles but I'd have been if either side wanted to play dollies. No one ever asked though. Mine are 4 and 7 and have a brilliant relationship with both sets of GPs.

Yh she was very pushy when baby was a newborn to where I snapped at her in the car, I was really moody with her for a bit as she put lot alog of pressure to parent differently, to not breastfeed so she could bottle feed. I think if she never did those things I'd probabaly be more open to her. I had pnd and was struggling and she made that time worse for me, she would ring 3+ times a day, even early mornings and wiped wake the baby up after an all nighter. I thinks its led to a bit of resentment to be honest, but I know she just loves her. Il letting her take lo for a walk every saturday and I'll work out days she can come round and bath baby