Mil expressed to me how she doesnt get do what nans do??

[Sophie1029734]

Hi everyone my baby is 9months.
The conversation we had was very calm, I tried to understand her and there was no bad blood.
She believes that all the nans around her are babysitting their grandchildren and she isnt. That when I go down to my families house once every 2 or 3 weeks for 2 days, they have more involvement because they get to do baths, feeds etc whilst she doesnt. Shes expressed that she wants one to one time to babysir so she can bond. My partner told me the other day how mil cried when my grandad picked me up on the day lockdown lifted, she saw him hold the baby as she happened to pull up to visit from a distance. I already told her I dont want to transfer from house to house and ofcourse.. I havnt seen my family in ages. Mil lives 2 mins away, even if it's from a distance shes been able to see lo. it's not all about who sees the baby too . ifs about who I want to see and I missed my family.

Out of lockdown I see her friday, I go round saturday and most times Sunday and will sometimes knock through the week. I've never felt the need to have her in the house tagging along with me and the baby which is what's been suggested. I've never felt the need to give my baby to them for a couple hours as I dont work and i dont need that. I dont see why the time she has isnt enough? She believes because she isnt doing nappy changes, having alone time, bathes, feeds, taking her walks that she isnt being a nan. She seems to compare me to everyone. In the conversation she went on about how the people around her are babysitting and she isnt, how she let her mum babysit the boys. She expressed to my partner the sadness of seeing videos of how involved my family can be and how she doesnt get that. I'm letting her take lo for walk in the pram, I'm also letting her come round when she has a day off to sit with baby in living room and I'll go elsewhere.
Despite giving her more time and ending the conversation really well, I dont understand the pressure from her and her family to give mil alone time? Time to do baths and all that? Why isn't the time she has worn lo already enough?

[Bluepolkadots42]

OP We had some similar issues with my MIL when our DC was born. She lived much further away from us, 30-40 min drive and my mum was 10 mins up the road and would come over and sit with baby some evenings so we could both get some sleep. My MIL seemed to think I should be bringing baby down to her several times a week from birth despite knowing we were having huge feeding issues, baby losing tons of weight, me being a mess etc. I've never quite forgiven her to be honest for adding an extra layer of stress to what felt like a hugely stressful situation.
My advice is: ignore her. Do what makes you and your baby happy. Your child, your choice. It sounds like she sees baby plenty and when you're ready to leave baby then you can call on her to babysit if she still wants to. Families who make new mums feel pressure/stress/upset over stuff like this are selfish tossers in my opinion.
I did my best to ignore my MILs pointed comments and told my DH to do the same. We were struggling as first time parents, she was making things worse and if she couldn't support us and let us take the time we needed to settle as a family of 3 then she wasn't much of a MIL in my opinion. cos I know how you are probably upset and beating yourself up about what she's saying. It's her problem not yours.

[wingingit987]

I do understand where your coming from with covid. Tbh I did this a little bit with my mil at the start when I had my lb.

Biggest mistake ever because as they get older and you need to work or your ill or pregnant again and suffering with such bad morning sickness you can't get out of bed. She's been a life saver. She helps with childcare. If she's here and I'm trying to get a mountain of things done she'll take lb to the park for a few hours. It's a god send.

Plenty of parents don't have there children stay at family's house but for us we've really been lucky and I know he will stay with family. Xx

[HallieKnight]

Oh good lord I just read how you were physically violent with your partner in front of your daughter. Please let your mil help before that kid ends up in foster care

[3rdtimelucky2019]

Yep, I knew I recognised the username. Worth reading the other post in the relationships board..more to all of this than there is here.

[Ironingontheceiling]

Yeah. I just read the openin post of the other thread.

Totally violent totally,out of order chucking his stuff around and being violent in front of your baby.

[Koolandorthegang]

Hi OP.

I’m in a bit of a similar situation with my MIL. She has been dying to have one on one time with my 7 month old since she was born. I visit MIL’s house once a week and go on my phone and leave her to play with her, like you do. She also pops over to our house outside of this time she sees DD if she wants to.

My family see her as much as they can too, lockdowns permitting etc.

The only person I have left my DD with one on one for any length of time is my sister. She watched her for about 5 hours while I got my hair done (I have a lot of hair).

My mil bitches to her family members about the fact that she doesn’t get to have my DD one on one. To be honest, I’m not comfortable with her having her one on one yet. She’s still tiny and some of the things mil says make me uneasy about leaving her (she keeps saying she’s going to stuff her with chocolate buttons and climb into bed with her when she’s asleep for example).

I can see you’re getting flamed a bit by pps but to be honest, you had a baby and then this pandemic came along as you were trying to adjust to motherhood. I know first hand how difficult that has been. I feel your mil is being selfish and very unfair to place these kinds of demands on you when you have enough on your plate. She should stop comparing her relationship with your lo to the relationship your lo has with your family, it’s only natural that you trust your family more as they raised you.

I think you have been more than accommodating with the amount of time your lo sees your mil and you should stick to your guns and tell her, in a nice way that you’re happy with how things are. Your lo is still tiny, there’s plenty of time for one on one as they get a bit older and you’re more comfortable with leaving them. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to hand your lo off to people all the time.

[Timeturnerplease]

Trust me, once you have a toddler or two you’re going to be wishing for someone close by to come and give you five minutes peace.

[Nymeriastark1]

You've got 3 posts about your mil and not letting her babysit etc. You have 1 post explaining an incident where you and you partner basically beat each other up. Him kicking and pushing you, and you throwing cans of coke and deodorant tins at him.
In one post about your mil, one of your criticisms is that she disciplines children with hitting (of course not ok) but you and your dp beat the shit out of each other. Pot calling the kettle black?
You all sound as bad as each other. End the relationship get some help. Both of you.

[LolaSmiles]

Having read the other threads, the whole situation is a mess.
You boyfriend is violent to you.
You are violent to your boyfriend.

For the sake of the child you need to separate. Choosing to remain in a violent relationship puts a child at risk of harm.

[SleepingStandingUp]

Op it all sounds so dysfunctional. You say you can't go home on a previous thread because of the way they treated you but you say you trust them with DD. You and DP are violent and he's disinterested in his child. Mil is oppressive.

I'd really look at talking to do about splitting and him leaving so you and DD stay in the house. He can have access and mil can see baby when he does.

[Lou2120]

Wow I'm surprised by some of the responses tbh. I have a 9 month old baby and even if covid wasnt around I dont want to leave her so I wont. Not with anyone until I feel ready.! She's my 3rd I have an 11 year old and 6 year old and I love having them I had them to have around me for me to raise. No one else. Grandparents have time once a week when we visit and they dont change nappies, bath my kids or anything that's my job thats what I want to do! How about she sits on the floor and plays with your daughter. She can do that whether your there or not! No one should make you feel like you have to leave your baby when you dont want to! Dont let it ruin your time while your daughter is young you only get this time once. Your making lots of effort to see her how about she should be grateful for that!

[HolyBuckets]

Having read your previous threads I think you need to seriously reevaluate your relationship and the potential danger to your child by continuing to be with this man. It sounds like an absolute train wreck.

[Hellothere19999]

OP I have read your other thread and I genuinely hope you are ok.

[innercitysumo]

By your other thread and this one I see you haven't left your partner, after you had a physical fight. You need to leave and do what's best for your poor baby.

[CordeliaCroft]

Covid and dysfunctional relationships aside. What’s this about not wanting to leave baby alone quite a few post about. I would have sent mine with the postman on his rounds if I could when they were babies to get a break. Involved (nice) grand parents is a gift. Chances are they will do things a bit different as different generations, but so what really 🤷🏻‍♀️

[3rdNamechange]

@Sophie1029734

Your all misunderstanding me, mil actually sees baby more????? My family live an hour and a half away, my mil is down the street so even with lockdown and 0 contact she has been able to talk and play with her whilst my family hasnt even see her face. I see mil every weekend, times through the week. I see my family for 2 days every 2 to 3 weeks. When I stay over we are in a closer situation where they are just help with nappy changes, bathes etc. Mil time with baby is more me going to them, playing with her and all etc but haveing no part in the caring side. She wants one to one time to do this but I just dont want to leave my baby yet, i also see her a lot already that the though of haveing her hoovering around the house with me and the baby is a stressful thought.

?? You say your family haven't seen her face, but then you see them for 2 days every 2-3 weeks ?
Why can't you let your MIL be more involved?

[NerrSnerr]

@CordeliaCroft

Covid and dysfunctional relationships aside. What’s this about not wanting to leave baby alone quite a few post about. I would have sent mine with the postman on his rounds if I could when they were babies to get a break. Involved (nice) grand parents is a gift. Chances are they will do things a bit different as different generations, but so what really 🤷🏻‍♀️

The OP has said on another thread that her MIL used to hit her partner. I think it's fair enough to not want that for your child.