Mil expressed to me how she doesnt get do what nans do??

[Sophie1029734]

Hi everyone my baby is 9months.
The conversation we had was very calm, I tried to understand her and there was no bad blood.
She believes that all the nans around her are babysitting their grandchildren and she isnt. That when I go down to my families house once every 2 or 3 weeks for 2 days, they have more involvement because they get to do baths, feeds etc whilst she doesnt. Shes expressed that she wants one to one time to babysir so she can bond. My partner told me the other day how mil cried when my grandad picked me up on the day lockdown lifted, she saw him hold the baby as she happened to pull up to visit from a distance. I already told her I dont want to transfer from house to house and ofcourse.. I havnt seen my family in ages. Mil lives 2 mins away, even if it's from a distance shes been able to see lo. it's not all about who sees the baby too . ifs about who I want to see and I missed my family.

Out of lockdown I see her friday, I go round saturday and most times Sunday and will sometimes knock through the week. I've never felt the need to have her in the house tagging along with me and the baby which is what's been suggested. I've never felt the need to give my baby to them for a couple hours as I dont work and i dont need that. I dont see why the time she has isnt enough? She believes because she isnt doing nappy changes, having alone time, bathes, feeds, taking her walks that she isnt being a nan. She seems to compare me to everyone. In the conversation she went on about how the people around her are babysitting and she isnt, how she let her mum babysit the boys. She expressed to my partner the sadness of seeing videos of how involved my family can be and how she doesnt get that. I'm letting her take lo for walk in the pram, I'm also letting her come round when she has a day off to sit with baby in living room and I'll go elsewhere.
Despite giving her more time and ending the conversation really well, I dont understand the pressure from her and her family to give mil alone time? Time to do baths and all that? Why isn't the time she has worn lo already enough?

[SleepingStandingUp]

I'm not saying you should leave her alone, but o think what MIL is picking up on is that you don't like her and don't trust her

[NerrSnerr]

You don't have to leave your baby with anyone if you don't want to. You shouldn't feel pressured into having someone babysit. It might be worth sitting down with your husband and deciding what you want together- who can babysit etc.

I will say that we have no local family and no offers of babysitting and now my children are older it would be a godsend for example I'm desperate for a hair cut, work through the week and my husband is working the next few weekends so having someone who is happy to have them for a couple of hours would be amazing so be careful before burning any bridges.

[Nix2020]

I truly feel for your mil. She wants to be involved and have a strong relationship with your child. She's not being unreasonable. You have to remember that if you let one side of the family be involved, you do need to let the other side have the same rights. It's only fair.

The likely hood of covid badly affecting you lo is very small.

In all honesty it sounds as if your trying to control the situation and not let her be involved and that is very unfair. Yes mil can be annoying but you've got to be able to see it from her side.

[Ginfilledcats]

Op I think people are getting confused by your posts, I know I am. On one post you say your parents bathe and change nappies, the next you say they haven't even seen her, the next you say MIL hasn't held her, the next you say she plays with her.

Your MIL obviously adores your baby which is good news. And she's excited to be a man. Again great. She's being ott expecting one on one time for her. My mum offers to have my 6m all the time but not for her sake, for mine - I haven't done it yet (lockdown/no need) but it's not about her getting one on one time! So I. That sense yes it's strange.

However I do think unless there's massive backstory you should endeavour to be fair. Let her change dirty bum if she's that bothered whilst you put a brew on. Next time she has a poo explosion, let nam bath her. It will shut her up and is harmless!

[LolaSmiles]

Your posts are jumbled. How can your family not have been holding DC if they are involved in baths etc?
Either way it sounds like you've decided that your family is allowed hands on practical time when you stay overnight for several days and your mother in law has no contact but she's expected to suck it up because she sees DC more at a distance.

Where's your partner in all of this?

I find the sidelining of MILs by some of here to hw quite cruel to be honest as if everyone should accept that mum's parents are more important and dad's parents should be grateful for whatever mum dictates.

[Ginfilledcats]

When you say lockdown, are you referring to November lockdown or the situation since March?

[SleepingStandingUp]

You've completely ignored all comments about your DP and you disliking his Mom, him being allowed to take his child to his Mom's house op which I think is rather telling

[Littlemissnutcracker]

Strange post. Its not clear what the problem is. I think it's a bit mean not to let her have say two hours with her grandchild.

[felttree]

I was much more at ease leaving my baby with my own mum other than my mil (who like yours lives around the corner). My mil was very pushy about wanting sleepovers and pram walks and lots of alone time with my ebf baby. Her persistent asking and pushing made me withdraw from her more as I wasn't ready to relinquish my baby.

Now my dc is 18 months and my mil looks after him one day a week and they have developed a lovely bond away from me. She sends me pics and videos all day long of what they are up to.

Looking back I wish I had accepted a few pram walks from mil but I also wish my mil had been a bit more patient and understanding.

I think the fact she's had a calm convo with you rather than persistently asking and backing you in a corner shows how reasonable she is being. What about asking her to mind dc for an hour in your house whilst you pop to do some errands to begin with? She's still only little yet mil has plenty of time to build a lovely bond.

[Hwory]

Op no offense but your making no sense and talking in circles to make yourself look right.

No one's held her

BUT your MIL saw your grandad hold her
She's seen videos and knows your family get to bath and change her. How would they do that with out holding her??

Your MIL might see her more but it's looking at her. It's not the quantity of time, it's the QUALITY of time.

I understand your baby is young and Corona is scary but it must be very frustrating and sad for your MIL if she knows your letting your family do things she's not allowed.

[MsSquiz]

How can you say no one has held your child, yet you say your grandad held her, and your family help with bathing and changing?!

This is the bit that is confusing everyone.

If I was a grandparent, I would also be sad at seeing others allowed to help change and bathe my grandchild, but I was only allowed to see her from a distance (even in the same room)

[WiseOwlWan]

Two things. You are and charge and these are your decisions, but it's a bit precious not to have let your MIL hold the baby.

Let your mother in law change the baby and and bath him/her fgs

[AnnaBegins]

@Hwory op clearly said the grandad holding incident was whilst not in full lockdown. We've been in full lockdown for a month until a couple of days ago.

[Disappointedkoala]

I trust my family more as they raised me and I've known them my entire life.
Well it would be a bit weird if your MIL had raised you as well as your partner wouldn't it?!

I can't make head nor tail of your posts OP, it's very confusing. Your family is allowed to do all the things with baby but infrequently but MIL is not allowed to do things with baby but sees her frequently?

[WhoseThatGirl]

Your posts are confusing but as think your saying they all see your baby when we are not in lockdown and hold her play with her etc. Your MIL also wants alone time with the baby when you are not there.
Does you family have alone time with the baby?
9 months is young to leave a child.

[Oreservoir]

@Sophie1029734 if your mil is holding and playing with the baby several times a week then I don't see an issue. As a mil myself I always try not to overstep boundaries.
However I loved walking my dgs out in his pram on my own. I never had to push for it, my ds and dil have always let dh and I be v. hands on. Obviously no covid though.

If you don't mind ( and covid allowed) ask her to come once a week to walk him out. Have him and his bag all ready for her and give her a time to bring him back. Mil will be happy, you will get 2 hours peace and it will prove you trust her.

[Sophie1029734]

I think I'm being really misunderstood. I did just wake up so my heads not the clearest. Mil sees baby Saturdays Sundays, through the week. My family see her for 2 days once every 2-3weeks.
Out of lockdown mil holds the baby each visit, this month shes just been able to stand from.a distance but atleast she can talk and play with her? When lockdown ended I went to see my family, I cant risk seeing mil before incase anything transfers. My grandad is high risk. My mil doesnt mind so I'll be seeing her the same, I'm going round today. I sit there on my phonez mind my own business as they play. In theory mil sees baby A HELL of a lot more. The no contact rules applied for everyone, not just mil..everyone. she wants one to one time.to have baby at her house, but I dont feel the heed to leave baby with her. Just because she doesnt bathe her etc doesnt mean she doesnt get time with her.

[MusicWithRocksIn1t]

Am I right in thinking what you are saying is that when this recent lock down ended she is saying she cried and felt second best because your family who hadn't seen the LO in weeks got to hold her first?

Then she is BU.

Sounds a bit like shes playing favourites. Tbh I'd let her change nappies when she sees LO and if she was over for dinner or we were over there I'd let her help with bath time once in a blue moon.
I dont particularly like my own MIL but I let her do these small things as it helps make her feel included and she is part of my DC's family.

As for alone time that would be a no. 9 months is tiny and LO is a human not a toy to be passed around.
30 minutes here or there to nip to the shops or a drs appointment maybe at a push but definitely nothing more at that age unless you are totally comfortable with it.

[MsChatterbox]

I don't understand why people aren't understanding your posts.

The point is mil got jealous that your family saw baby first out of lockdown.

Outside of lockdown mil holds and plays with baby plenty.

No you don't need your mil to babysit your 9 month old. This will come naturally when baby is older.

You have had the chat with her and it was very well done from the sounds of it. From now on just reassure her you don't feel comfortable leaving baby atm but when the time is right you will let mil know.

[justanotherneighinparadise]

This isn’t particularly unusual on here. The MIL demands the mother steps to one side so they can play mum with the child.

I never experienced this myself but I wouldn’t have liked it. When DC1 was born I did leave him with my mum for a couple of hours and he screamed the house down the whole time. I’ve never seen someone so happy to hand a baby back 🤣🤣

[letsmakethetea]

You do not have to leave your baby alone with anyone unless you really want to!

[SleepingStandingUp]

Baby must have been born during March lockdown so think MIL didn't get to hold baby during the summer lockdown but saw Grandad holding her which made her cry

Lockdown eases and op stays owth her family and posts lots of videos of family bathing and doing all the care stuff and holding her

Op visits mil and mil is permitted to play with lo whilst Op watches in case mil does something wrong.

Back into lockdown and no one can hold her again

Out of lockdown and op is going to visit her family so has not let mil hold baby so she doesn't give her germs to her family.

When she's back, mil will be permitted to see baby, op has agreed she may push the pram on a walk.

If he hadn't told you about his Mom crying I'd assume Dad was absent op. Does he not get involved or do you not allow him to be alone with baby either?

[Megan2018]

@Sophie1029734
You MIL is being a twat, just ignore her and leave her to your OH to deal with.
Babies do not need to be left with anyone, babysitting is for if you need a babysitter, not because she wants to.
No-one babysits my DD, it is not necessary for a grandparent bond.
If she persists, then see her less.

[MusicWithRocksIn1t]

Sorry cross post. But fuck thats a lot of days to be seeing your MIL. She definitely has no reason to complain.

We see my DM much less then that and she's 3 minutes away and provides childcare while i work.

[Balaur]

I think the OP is saying that in lockdown situations noone saw the baby or held the baby but when not in lockdown, she visits her family and stays overnight because it's further away, and that's when they also help with more practical things like bathing etc but with mil, OP takes the baby for short visits. It sounds like mil is a bit jealous of that extra level of care your family are "getting" to do, her perception is she's not allowed that but she can't see that overall, she probably sees more of your baby. Why don't you just be honest with her that you're not ready to leave your baby with her or your own family yet, but when she's older that might be an option. Your mil is just as prone as the rest of us to seeing stuff on social media, interpreting it badly and drawing her own conclusions. I'm sure the enforced situation in lockdown has given her too much time to ruminate too.