Mil expressed to me how she doesnt get do what nans do??

[Sophie1029734]

Hi everyone my baby is 9months.
The conversation we had was very calm, I tried to understand her and there was no bad blood.
She believes that all the nans around her are babysitting their grandchildren and she isnt. That when I go down to my families house once every 2 or 3 weeks for 2 days, they have more involvement because they get to do baths, feeds etc whilst she doesnt. Shes expressed that she wants one to one time to babysir so she can bond. My partner told me the other day how mil cried when my grandad picked me up on the day lockdown lifted, she saw him hold the baby as she happened to pull up to visit from a distance. I already told her I dont want to transfer from house to house and ofcourse.. I havnt seen my family in ages. Mil lives 2 mins away, even if it's from a distance shes been able to see lo. it's not all about who sees the baby too . ifs about who I want to see and I missed my family.

Out of lockdown I see her friday, I go round saturday and most times Sunday and will sometimes knock through the week. I've never felt the need to have her in the house tagging along with me and the baby which is what's been suggested. I've never felt the need to give my baby to them for a couple hours as I dont work and i dont need that. I dont see why the time she has isnt enough? She believes because she isnt doing nappy changes, having alone time, bathes, feeds, taking her walks that she isnt being a nan. She seems to compare me to everyone. In the conversation she went on about how the people around her are babysitting and she isnt, how she let her mum babysit the boys. She expressed to my partner the sadness of seeing videos of how involved my family can be and how she doesnt get that. I'm letting her take lo for walk in the pram, I'm also letting her come round when she has a day off to sit with baby in living room and I'll go elsewhere.
Despite giving her more time and ending the conversation really well, I dont understand the pressure from her and her family to give mil alone time? Time to do baths and all that? Why isn't the time she has worn lo already enough?

[Gregariousfox]

I've just crossposted with you. Seeing your update it offers a different picture. Can you tell your DH to tell her to back off and not interfere with how you parent or pressure you to be constantly seeing her?

[Cherrysoup]

Id be putting in place serious boundaries. You see her up to 5 times a week? Tell her you will not be leaving your baby overnight, she isn’t a toy. Ringing you 3 times a day in the beginning and demanding photos daily is insane.

[Sophie1029734]

When it comes to decisions my partner always says "whatever u wanna do" I say what do you think I should do and hes say the same thing again. I'm 21 so maybe she felt the need to mother us and the baby . She was a mum at 18 though so i thought shed relise that I was just as capable as a 30 year old woman, but maybe she was just trying to help. she did make my life a lot more stressful than it needed to be though. I'm gonna let her come round next week to bath the babya and spend time with her in the living room as I go elsewhere

[Rosenspants]

I haven’t read all the posts. But as a mother myself I got sick of ILs banging on about their rights to time alone, sleepovers at three months (they didn’t like that I was exclusively breastfeeding...) etc etc with the DGC. It caused problems and DH had to read them the riot act in the end...that we were the parents and we were in charge and no, MIL couldn’t walk in unannounced any time she wanted, with her friends in tow and play pass the parcel with our new baby, and demand that she had at least x number of hours alone with them. I recently became a mother in law and a GM myself and my feelings haven’t changed at all. I’m there to help when DS and DIL need me, not to draw up the rules of engagement on my own terms. I expected DIL to be closer to her own mother. I cook them meals for their freezer, as they’re exhausted, and offer to help around the house, do errands. As a result I’m delighted that DIL now contacts me direct to invite me round to spend time with her and DGS, hold him, change him. He’s three months, we have an informal childcare bubble ( at their invitation) and I keep DGS entertained for an hour occasionally whilst DIL has a nap/shower/hair wash and poor DS is wfh on endless video calls. OP your MIL needs to understand all in good time and a lovely GM/GC relationship will develop.

[m0therofdragons]

You seem to follow lock down rules when it suits for mil then say you start over at your family’s house so inside another house breaking the rules.

She’s had her dc and her grandchild is likely to be the only baby she’ll hold ever. You can’t just go round picking up other people’s babies so she just wants to bond and do things like bathing the baby. You bath her every night so why can’t mil do the occasional bath when rules allow?

Mil is letting you know what involvement she would like with her granddaughter but it’s not really excessive. Some grandparents have children every day for childcare, others see them once a year or not at all even there’s a spectrum in between.

[shehadsomuchpotential]

I think you are over thinking this. And so is she. The relationship you have with paternal grandma as mother of GC is different i have found. My mum instinctively knew when to step in and take DC and when not to-as she is my mum and knows me. ExH mum is a lovely gma but obviously we arent connected in the same way. For a while i got frustrated as i felt she would watch me struggle-but them i realised that with her i just had to be clear and ask.

We also had similar dynamic as ex h parents lived away so would visit and be involved in and see all times of day but less frequent, and my mum would see them for shorter stints several times a week.

I also felt a tiny bit at times like i needed to remind my mum she was the gma and not the mother. Perhaps like with your minlaw.

It won't be the same and balance is hard. You are giving everyone watch you can and hearing them out and being caring but ultimately she is your baby and you have to do it your way and find your own family life. I would believe in your own efforts and not pander to it or give it much more thought as am not sure either of you would convince the other.

Covid is also probably giving her far too much time to think and making granddaughter too much of a focus. Whilst you don't NEED her help, could you hold out an olive branch in a way you are comfortable with and make it work for you. Have her watch the baby whilst you run awkward errands or go for a walk with a friend or do some xmas shopping with DH. Depending on if she is your support/childcare bubble and covid etc.

[beavisandbutthead]

Now I have seen your updates I would stick to your boundaries. I wouldnt be offering any of the walks etc as I have no doubt they wouldnt be enough either and she will keep pushing. Her primary motivation appears to be one up on your family and be competing for a more important role. Dont let her do this. Sounds like she has been boundary stomping from the start and this has affected your relationship.

[PurpleMustang]

You have 2 situations in one here. You have allowed everyone to be involved with the baby when out of lockdown so she really can't moan about that. And her crying because Grandad held the baby first after lockdown is just silly on her behalf. If lockdown wasn't around she would still be a problem because the issue is that you go and stay with your family and as you said she sees them as being more involved as you stay overnight, although overall she see the baby more. She is being a bit selfish as I am sure your mum would like to swop with her and live closer and see baby so much more. Yes, you could allow her to do a little more of the caring if you want but with what you have said be careful about giving her an inch and her not taking a mile. Plus if you let her do bit, let her know any info you need her to follow, or babys preferences and see if she follows or ignores. This will tell you a lot about what she would be like if you left baby on her own with her, if you could trust her. There does seem to be a number of grandparents that push and push for 'alone time', bottle feeding, must have bonding time etc and make this all about them which is not good at all for the mum. And saying oh but everyone else does, is just like a child trying to tell you all his friends have a game they want. It ain't true. Do what is best for you.

[Besom]

@Laiste

she put lot alog of pressure to parent differently, to not breastfeed so she could bottle feed.

she made that time worse for me, she would ring 3+ times a day, even early mornings and wiped wake the baby up after an all nighter.

I think if you'd put this in your OP you'd have got a unanimous YANBU OP. I think we can see what sort of woman MIL is by these two facts alone.

I saw this and changed my mind. My mil would never have done anything like that. This is way out of order.

[user1487194234]

I would get your DH to deal with this

[C8H10N4O2]

In theory mil sees baby A HELL of a lot more

Not just in theory, in practice as well.

[UsernameSpoosername]

Just let her take her grandchild out for a bit? Be kind. It could be you in this situation one day... plus if you’re anything like me & have another you’ll be BEGGING her to take them for a few hours 😂

Honestly, I was the same with PFB but your baby won’t spontaneously combust when you’re out of sight - it’s actually really healthy for them.

Irregardless of who sees her & how much it’s clear you have a preference for your own family, because that’s what you know. But MIL is probably aware of that & feels like an outsider with her own DGC. If you feel like she’s hurting why not extend the olive branch?

[midinthenight]

Your posts are really contradictory. You say she saw your grandad hold her then that no one has held her. You say that 'it's lockdown people' then that you stay with family for a day or two and they bathe dc.

Anyway, in a few years you'll be begging her to have dc overnight and if there's no backstory it seems she just wants to be more hands on with her dgc. Maybe let her have a cuddle occasionally to start.

[UsernameSpoosername]

Just noticed the drip, drip, drip

[TheTeenageYears]

Your relationship with your Mum and with MIL are always going to be different and as a mum of a boy MIL is just going to have to suck that up. Does she have a DD or just DS? Your parents are further away so you see them less frequently but they get the more involved parts of being DGP's because you stay overnight with them which means they get the whole good, bad and ugly parts of time with DD.

Depending on your situation you might find yourself leaning on MIL more further down the road because she is geographically closer and therefore it's much more practical for her to help when you need it. MIL does need to learn some patience (all good things come to those who wait and all that) but maybe you could find some middle ground. Who is currently doing the cleaning at home and when is it being done? You could set a time in the week which works with DD's routine and have MIL come and collect DD from you and take to her house for a few hours so you can clean unencumbered. It would allow MIL a little bit of what she is after but in a managed way. Ditto for a few hours for you and DP to make and eat a meal at home together with no responsibility for a baby. You could pick a Sat/Sun lunch time rather than an evening if it fits in better with DD's routine.

Remember this isn't about reality, it's about perception. MIL perceives your family to be spending more time doing what she considers to be real Grandparenting. Don't burn your bridges, you never know what's around the corner and you wouldn't want her to turn around in a few years time and not want to help if you need it because she feels hard done by now.

[TheYearOfSmallThings]

Just noticed the drip, drip, drip hmm

Indeed.

[Rainydayhere]

Did you ring the police the other day and get back into your house? You need to move back to your family

[LolaSmiles]

Drip drip drip.
The drip feeds always start when the consensus is YABU.

[NerrSnerr]

Are you the poster who had the fight with your partner in front of your baby because he refused to look after her for a couple of minutes and he locked you outside the house with the baby?

If so- why are you asking about this and not how to end your relationship? Is that why your MIL wants to be so involved because she's concerned about the baby growing up in such an awful environment?

[WildfirePonie]

Just let DH deal with his mother. Stop doing all the wife work and organising visits.

[mooncakes]

If you don't enjoy the interactions with your MIL, then stop seeing her.

It's not your job to facilitate her relationship with your baby - her son can do that.

See your family as much as you want. Your partner can take the baby to see his mum as much as he wants.

[shouldhavecalleditoatabix]

OP it's such a hard situation negotiating with in laws when you have your first baby. My MIL whom is actually a lovely woman and would do anything for my children (and probably me) drive me INSANE with my first DC. When I took baby round only a few days old, she disappeared out the garden for nearly an hour. Turns out she took the baby to show all the neighbours. I was almost insane with panic that she took my pfb away from me. She set up a cot and kept badgering to have her overnight. This was made worse because at the time me and DP were living with my parents who were very 'hands on'. I remember feeding lo at hers once when she was only about 7 or 8 months. I put the spoon down to turn around and reach something and when I turned back she had stepped into my place and was feeding her. It took only a glare from me to dp for him to gently ask his mum to hand me back the spoon.

However, 14 years later and two dc we have a great relationship. She understands I am the mother but I understand I can trust her completely with my children.

It's ok for you to establish boundaries and to take your time before MIL has 'bath and bed' rights. It will come in time. Also don't be pushed into daily texts and constant visits. Reduce contact but make sure any contact is meaningful. And get DP to support your choices. Babies are precious and everyone knows that. It sounds like you're doing a great job. Motherhood isn't always as hard as working with the family around us!

[Biggerloudermoreteeth]

My MIL doesn't really see my kids because she's useless and shows no interest in them, and as such I don't really like her. My parents have always been very involved.

But it sounds like your MIL desperately wants to be an involved grandmother and you're standing in the way of this.

It sounds to be like you are using lockdown as an excuse and you are doing your child a disservice.

[BigBadVoodooHat]

@NerrSnerr

Are you the poster who had the fight with your partner in front of your baby because he refused to look after her for a couple of minutes and he locked you outside the house with the baby?

If so- why are you asking about this and not how to end your relationship? Is that why your MIL wants to be so involved because she's concerned about the baby growing up in such an awful environment?

Oh, I just AS-ed.

What a fucking circus

[mooncakes]

I visit my family and let my DH deal with his family - unfortunately it means my family see the dc twice a week and PIL see them about 3-4 times a year (and some of those are with my prompting!) but that is down to PIL relationship with their son, not with me.