Mil expressed to me how she doesnt get do what nans do??

[Sophie1029734]

Hi everyone my baby is 9months.
The conversation we had was very calm, I tried to understand her and there was no bad blood.
She believes that all the nans around her are babysitting their grandchildren and she isnt. That when I go down to my families house once every 2 or 3 weeks for 2 days, they have more involvement because they get to do baths, feeds etc whilst she doesnt. Shes expressed that she wants one to one time to babysir so she can bond. My partner told me the other day how mil cried when my grandad picked me up on the day lockdown lifted, she saw him hold the baby as she happened to pull up to visit from a distance. I already told her I dont want to transfer from house to house and ofcourse.. I havnt seen my family in ages. Mil lives 2 mins away, even if it's from a distance shes been able to see lo. it's not all about who sees the baby too . ifs about who I want to see and I missed my family.

Out of lockdown I see her friday, I go round saturday and most times Sunday and will sometimes knock through the week. I've never felt the need to have her in the house tagging along with me and the baby which is what's been suggested. I've never felt the need to give my baby to them for a couple hours as I dont work and i dont need that. I dont see why the time she has isnt enough? She believes because she isnt doing nappy changes, having alone time, bathes, feeds, taking her walks that she isnt being a nan. She seems to compare me to everyone. In the conversation she went on about how the people around her are babysitting and she isnt, how she let her mum babysit the boys. She expressed to my partner the sadness of seeing videos of how involved my family can be and how she doesnt get that. I'm letting her take lo for walk in the pram, I'm also letting her come round when she has a day off to sit with baby in living room and I'll go elsewhere.
Despite giving her more time and ending the conversation really well, I dont understand the pressure from her and her family to give mil alone time? Time to do baths and all that? Why isn't the time she has worn lo already enough?

[mooncakes]

@Biggerloudermoreteeth

My MIL doesn't really see my kids because she's useless and shows no interest in them, and as such I don't really like her. My parents have always been very involved.

But it sounds like your MIL desperately wants to be an involved grandmother and you're standing in the way of this.

It sounds to be like you are using lockdown as an excuse and you are doing your child a disservice.

Taking your baby to see your MIL every other day doesn't really sound like "standing in the way" of anything

And surely no kids saw their grandparents during lockdown unless they actually lived with them?

[museumum]

There’s no right or wrong way but for me I’d want to see her far less but also let her have a couple of hours with the baby without you. In the long run having a 90min to two hour slot once a week when you can get a haircut, go for a coffee, go shopping or exercise will be really valuable - babies get less portable soon as they can walk and it’s more hassle to take them to every appointment etc.
You can have a coffee with mil before or after you leave lo there and so keep your relationship with her.
Then don’t see her all the other days in the week.

Tbh sitting in the same room on your phone is going to be uncomfortable - it must feel like a supervised visit that parents have who can’t be trusted or a prison visit with a guard in the room.

[Redwinestillfine]

I would be worried about how big a deal she is making this. She's coming across as a bit unhinged. Is there something else going on? Try not to engage. If she keeps bringing it up just say that she's making you feel uncomfortable. I would also try and distance myself
Every time she calls up for a cry, leave a few extra days before she sees the baby. Don't reward the behaviour with more access. She's a grown woman.

[ohwhatamiserableyear]

Your MIL is being unreasonable. Carry on as you are for now.

MIL gets to see the baby 4 or 5 days a week. And when not in lockdown mode, gets to hold said baby. She gets regular time most days.

OP's family gets to see the baby every 2 or 3 weeks for a couple of days when OP goes to see/stay with them. So of course there is feeding/bathing/sleep routine while she's there.

MIL has the much better deal, frankly. She needs to get over herself.

[ArtieFufkinPolymerRecords]

@HeyChubbee

This post just shows how people are not listening to the rules - OP I understand you completely- you do not have to leave your baby with her - your baby your rules x

Including the OP - even though we are not in lockdown, unless she is in one of the few parts of the country in tier 1, she should not be socialising indoors with people she does not live with, so should not be visiting family, unless they are staying in the garden and they shouldn't be touching the baby.

[NerrSnerr]

I would really recommend people advance searched. The OP posted very recently that her and her partner had a physical fight in front of their baby. It does make me wonder if MIL is concerned that very soon she won't have any contact with the baby as the OP's partner doesn't want anything to do with his own child while he lives there so when they split up he's not going to be bothered.

[Therarestone]

Let the woman look after the baby, nip to the shop, get your hair done, have a nap.

Let her change some nappies.

Honestly there are so many out there heart broken that the in laws pay no attention to the children and you are upset that your baby is basically too loved?

[GrumpyHoonMain]

Honestly from all your posts it seems like she really cares about you and the baby. In your position I would let the grandparents living closest to baby build the bond because it’s them who the baby will naturally be closer to while growing up. She’ll also be a damned sight more useful to you when you need childcare than your own family if you treat her respectfully. Helping out at bathtimes or allowing her to take her out in the pushchair for a bit will allow them to build a good bond

[mooncakes]

@NerrSnerr

I would really recommend people advance searched. The OP posted very recently that her and her partner had a physical fight in front of their baby. It does make me wonder if MIL is concerned that very soon she won't have any contact with the baby as the OP's partner doesn't want anything to do with his own child while he lives there so when they split up he's not going to be bothered.

If this is the case @Sophie1029734, then take your baby and move back in with your parents.

[NerrSnerr]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4093217-Me-and-my-partner-had-a-really-big-argument-Now-what

[AurorasLighthouse]

Boyfriend is emotionally selfish www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4085312-Boyfriend-is-emotionally-selfish

[AurorasLighthouse]

He sounds like a classic abusive man. The honey moon period, the withdrawal of emotional connection, the misogyny and the bear baiting, leading you to lose your temper. Yes, not perfect for anyone to flip out and drop a PlayStation, shout, etc. But it sounds like there is an ongoing abusive situation from this man, and you are reacting to that.

That's why you don't trust his family but do trust your own, because you know if he is abusive his family may be too. You might not be thinking that in those words, but your gut instinct, your maternal feelings, are absolutely picking up on it.

[Ideasplease322]

@Sophie1029734

Not a single person has held her through lockdown

I am so confused😂. Did you not say your grandad held her?

And your family do bath time?

Do you mean the very recent few weeks, I class lockdown as since March?

This thread is hard work

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I’ve now read your other threads. This isn’t going to end well. Your mil is the least of your worries. Can you go and stay with your grandad? It seems as though you didn’t go to his afterall after your big fight.

[Quaagars]

This, so confusing! Not sure which it is?
Op no offense but your making no sense and talking in circles to make yourself look right*
No one's held her
BUT your MIL saw your grandad hold her
She's seen videos and knows your family get to bath and change her. How would they do that with out holding her??

When lockdown is out of the picture, she holds her whenever she sees her which Is a hell of a lot more than my family. Just like my family held her, mil will be today and tonnorow.
Also
I've never felt the need to have her in the house tagging along with me and the baby which is what's been suggested. I've never felt the need to give my baby to them

If she was interfering, then fair enough, not on, but it sounds like she'd just like to hold her and your earlier posts definitely suggest that she isn't allowed to whereas your family is!
Your later ones are just so confusing.
I can see why she'd be hurt if out of lockdown (we haven't been in lockdown for 9 months) and she's seen your family pick her up and hold her but you won't let her.

[Quaagars]

Oh, FFS, see there's a backstory then

[HallieKnight]

Baby going for sleepover at nanny's once a month would probably be good for everyone

[Hellothere19999]

Hi OP I’m sorry so many people have been quite harsh with you on this post! I totally get what you’re getting at. I trust my MIL but when it comes down to it she isn’t my mum and that’s that. Once she got upset because we weren’t putting photos up on social media and I went on FB during a night feed to see my baby’s photo as her profile picture, I was so upset, as was my partner. It’s tough because you know she isn’t coming from a bad place but it is also annoying. Especially the stuff you’ve said about her trying to tell you how to parent. I would let her do the walk on a Saturday and if she is around for bath time, ask her to help, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to involve her in bath time as it is still your baby and you don’t have to adhere to her needs all the time, she’s a grown woman who’s already had her children. As I say, it’s tricky to get the right balance, on paper my MIL may be better with kids than my own mum but you don’t trust anyone like your own family and it’s so much easier to hand a baby over to your own family and let them help. It’s different with a pushy MIL. Can you ask your partner to talk to her? Then she can’t pin anything on you.

[WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo]

Bloody hell, just let the poor woman take the baby to feed the ducks or something and stop all this nonsense.

Honestly. 🙄

[LEELULUMPKIN]

My DS is now 15 and has Severe disabilities and SEN. My parents both passed away before he was born so I had hoped that DH's Mum and Dad would step up a bit.

In all of those 15 years they have never once offered to have him even for 10 mins.

They show no interest in him whatsoever.

I know my situation is different but I think you need to lighten up a bit re: your MIL as further down the line you may very much need her.

[Weirdfan]

I'm a first time nan to 13 month old DGS and I think your mil is being ridiculous OP. My DSS brings DGS round for regular visits (lockdowns allowing) and we play with him, maybe make him something to eat and help feed him etc but DSS is here all the time and we don't spend time 'one on one' with DGS. That's nothing to do with not being trusted, it's just that we all like to spend time together and it's not having any kind of detrimental effect on our bond with DGS, far from it! I don't understand why your mil feels she needs sole care of your baby to 'be a nan' OP, I'm actually technically step nan to DGS but I couldn't be any more his nan if I tried, I adore him and he adores me, no sole care needed

[IseeIsee]

Your MIL probably sees the writing on the wall and is trying to get as close to baby as possible while she can. She is pushy, was uncaring during your pnd, and is putting pressure on you because she wants to exert Grandma rights. She knows her son doesn't care and so has to speak to you directly. You don't trust her because she raised your DP who you know, deep down, is abusive. Leave things as they are and just fob her off. Try maintain a good relationship with her though as she is probably a better option than your DP.

[thisismycodename]

I kind of get where you're coming from OP. I never 'let' anyone look after my babies alone when they were small. DD1 was a very high needs baby, and would literally only sleep on me, in the quiet, and take a bottle from me or DH etc etc. Turned out she had horrendous silent reflux and was later diagnosed with ASD so much of her 'behaviour' if you can call it that at a young age is explainable, now. She was also on a couple of different types of medication for which she needed to eat well to take, so I used to get 'ah if she misses a feed because you're not there it's no big deal' but it was because it meant she couldn't have her medication. My MIL used to kick up merry hell that we wouldn't just drop her at her house for the afternoon so I could 'have a break and she could bond'. It caused all much stress but I stuck to my guns, my baby needed me and she got me. They were invited to visit regularly (two/three times a week) or we would go there at times that baby was awake and not needing to feed but that wasn't good enough either. It was the same for my family too though so I suppose you didn't have a disparity. DD1 I was eventually able to leave for short periods from about 13m (I'm a sahm so no nursery etc).

DD2 was a much easier baby, and I was more relaxed as a result but I still didn't leave her with anyone when she was really small. I didn't want to and I didn't feel bad about it second time around. But from probably 10m ish I'd leave her with grandparents for a short while and go to town to run some errands, or take older DD to a toddler group etc. I would have been happy to take her with me but it gave them the opportunity to 'babysit' so we just did that.

Now they are 4 and 2 and older DD will now go and spend the day with MIL and FIL, not for childcare purposes but because she wants to and they want to have her, they all love it. Younger DD goes too but we bring her home for naps (as she only naps at home) so we all go in the morning and then leave with toddler at lunchtime and leave DD1 there for the afternoon, picking her up before dinner time.

They still go on and ask for DD1 to now stay over with them! It's never enough. DD1 cannot stay over there alone, as I said she has ASD, and there is no way she'd stay away from home even with the grandparents that she loves. One of us would stay too, but that's not good enough. So I just tell them no.

There is so much pressure on new mums to just hand their babies over and it's unnecessary. I agree that it's brilliant to have caring grandparents and as much as my in laws annoy me at times I do see that it comes from a place of love for the children. But both of mine have a lovely bond with their grandparents, it's completely unaffected by the fact that I didn't leave them alone with them as babies! For example we don't tend to have any visitors after school because after a whole day being sociable DD1 just can't cope with more people in the short time between getting home and going to bed, she needs quiet time. Normal in children with ASD. But quite often, she will ask to FaceTime Grandma and tell her about her day, and she does just that. She wouldn't do that if she didn't have a decent bond with her!

[ASomers]

I don't think you're doing anything wrong. Your MIL shouldn't expect 1 on 1 time with your baby, bathing, feeding etc. To me, that's the parents job. It sounds like she sees your baby lots and you're doing your best to include her. I wouldn't want to leave my baby with either set of grandparents for babysitting.

[ASomers]

I mean, whilst she's a young baby! When she's older, obviously grandparents will babysit.