Mil expressed to me how she doesnt get do what nans do??

[Sophie1029734]

Hi everyone my baby is 9months.
The conversation we had was very calm, I tried to understand her and there was no bad blood.
She believes that all the nans around her are babysitting their grandchildren and she isnt. That when I go down to my families house once every 2 or 3 weeks for 2 days, they have more involvement because they get to do baths, feeds etc whilst she doesnt. Shes expressed that she wants one to one time to babysir so she can bond. My partner told me the other day how mil cried when my grandad picked me up on the day lockdown lifted, she saw him hold the baby as she happened to pull up to visit from a distance. I already told her I dont want to transfer from house to house and ofcourse.. I havnt seen my family in ages. Mil lives 2 mins away, even if it's from a distance shes been able to see lo. it's not all about who sees the baby too . ifs about who I want to see and I missed my family.

Out of lockdown I see her friday, I go round saturday and most times Sunday and will sometimes knock through the week. I've never felt the need to have her in the house tagging along with me and the baby which is what's been suggested. I've never felt the need to give my baby to them for a couple hours as I dont work and i dont need that. I dont see why the time she has isnt enough? She believes because she isnt doing nappy changes, having alone time, bathes, feeds, taking her walks that she isnt being a nan. She seems to compare me to everyone. In the conversation she went on about how the people around her are babysitting and she isnt, how she let her mum babysit the boys. She expressed to my partner the sadness of seeing videos of how involved my family can be and how she doesnt get that. I'm letting her take lo for walk in the pram, I'm also letting her come round when she has a day off to sit with baby in living room and I'll go elsewhere.
Despite giving her more time and ending the conversation really well, I dont understand the pressure from her and her family to give mil alone time? Time to do baths and all that? Why isn't the time she has worn lo already enough?

[NerrSnerr]

@CordeliaCroft

Covid and dysfunctional relationships aside. What’s this about not wanting to leave baby alone quite a few post about. I would have sent mine with the postman on his rounds if I could when they were babies to get a break. Involved (nice) grand parents is a gift. Chances are they will do things a bit different as different generations, but so what really 🤷🏻‍♀️

The OP has said on another thread that her MIL used to hit her partner. I think it's fair enough to not want that for your child.

[3rdNamechange]

@Sophie1029734

Your all misunderstanding me, mil actually sees baby more????? My family live an hour and a half away, my mil is down the street so even with lockdown and 0 contact she has been able to talk and play with her whilst my family hasnt even see her face. I see mil every weekend, times through the week. I see my family for 2 days every 2 to 3 weeks. When I stay over we are in a closer situation where they are just help with nappy changes, bathes etc. Mil time with baby is more me going to them, playing with her and all etc but haveing no part in the caring side. She wants one to one time to do this but I just dont want to leave my baby yet, i also see her a lot already that the though of haveing her hoovering around the house with me and the baby is a stressful thought.

?? You say your family haven't seen her face, but then you see them for 2 days every 2-3 weeks ?
Why can't you let your MIL be more involved?

[CordeliaCroft]

Covid and dysfunctional relationships aside. What’s this about not wanting to leave baby alone quite a few post about. I would have sent mine with the postman on his rounds if I could when they were babies to get a break. Involved (nice) grand parents is a gift. Chances are they will do things a bit different as different generations, but so what really 🤷🏻‍♀️

[innercitysumo]

By your other thread and this one I see you haven't left your partner, after you had a physical fight. You need to leave and do what's best for your poor baby.

[Hellothere19999]

OP I have read your other thread and I genuinely hope you are ok.

[HolyBuckets]

Having read your previous threads I think you need to seriously reevaluate your relationship and the potential danger to your child by continuing to be with this man. It sounds like an absolute train wreck.

[Lou2120]

Wow I'm surprised by some of the responses tbh. I have a 9 month old baby and even if covid wasnt around I dont want to leave her so I wont. Not with anyone until I feel ready.! She's my 3rd I have an 11 year old and 6 year old and I love having them I had them to have around me for me to raise. No one else. Grandparents have time once a week when we visit and they dont change nappies, bath my kids or anything that's my job thats what I want to do! How about she sits on the floor and plays with your daughter. She can do that whether your there or not! No one should make you feel like you have to leave your baby when you dont want to! Dont let it ruin your time while your daughter is young you only get this time once. Your making lots of effort to see her how about she should be grateful for that!

[SleepingStandingUp]

Op it all sounds so dysfunctional. You say you can't go home on a previous thread because of the way they treated you but you say you trust them with DD. You and DP are violent and he's disinterested in his child. Mil is oppressive.

I'd really look at talking to do about splitting and him leaving so you and DD stay in the house. He can have access and mil can see baby when he does.

[LolaSmiles]

Having read the other threads, the whole situation is a mess.
You boyfriend is violent to you.
You are violent to your boyfriend.

For the sake of the child you need to separate. Choosing to remain in a violent relationship puts a child at risk of harm.

[Nymeriastark1]

You've got 3 posts about your mil and not letting her babysit etc. You have 1 post explaining an incident where you and you partner basically beat each other up. Him kicking and pushing you, and you throwing cans of coke and deodorant tins at him.
In one post about your mil, one of your criticisms is that she disciplines children with hitting (of course not ok) but you and your dp beat the shit out of each other. Pot calling the kettle black?
You all sound as bad as each other. End the relationship get some help. Both of you.

[Timeturnerplease]

Trust me, once you have a toddler or two you’re going to be wishing for someone close by to come and give you five minutes peace.

[Koolandorthegang]

Hi OP.

I’m in a bit of a similar situation with my MIL. She has been dying to have one on one time with my 7 month old since she was born. I visit MIL’s house once a week and go on my phone and leave her to play with her, like you do. She also pops over to our house outside of this time she sees DD if she wants to.

My family see her as much as they can too, lockdowns permitting etc.

The only person I have left my DD with one on one for any length of time is my sister. She watched her for about 5 hours while I got my hair done (I have a lot of hair).

My mil bitches to her family members about the fact that she doesn’t get to have my DD one on one. To be honest, I’m not comfortable with her having her one on one yet. She’s still tiny and some of the things mil says make me uneasy about leaving her (she keeps saying she’s going to stuff her with chocolate buttons and climb into bed with her when she’s asleep for example).

I can see you’re getting flamed a bit by pps but to be honest, you had a baby and then this pandemic came along as you were trying to adjust to motherhood. I know first hand how difficult that has been. I feel your mil is being selfish and very unfair to place these kinds of demands on you when you have enough on your plate. She should stop comparing her relationship with your lo to the relationship your lo has with your family, it’s only natural that you trust your family more as they raised you.

I think you have been more than accommodating with the amount of time your lo sees your mil and you should stick to your guns and tell her, in a nice way that you’re happy with how things are. Your lo is still tiny, there’s plenty of time for one on one as they get a bit older and you’re more comfortable with leaving them. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to hand your lo off to people all the time.

[Ironingontheceiling]

Yeah. I just read the openin post of the other thread.

Totally violent totally,out of order chucking his stuff around and being violent in front of your baby.

[3rdtimelucky2019]

Yep, I knew I recognised the username. Worth reading the other post in the relationships board..more to all of this than there is here.

[HallieKnight]

Oh good lord I just read how you were physically violent with your partner in front of your daughter. Please let your mil help before that kid ends up in foster care

[wingingit987]

I do understand where your coming from with covid. Tbh I did this a little bit with my mil at the start when I had my lb.

Biggest mistake ever because as they get older and you need to work or your ill or pregnant again and suffering with such bad morning sickness you can't get out of bed. She's been a life saver. She helps with childcare. If she's here and I'm trying to get a mountain of things done she'll take lb to the park for a few hours. It's a god send.

Plenty of parents don't have there children stay at family's house but for us we've really been lucky and I know he will stay with family. Xx

[Bluepolkadots42]

OP We had some similar issues with my MIL when our DC was born. She lived much further away from us, 30-40 min drive and my mum was 10 mins up the road and would come over and sit with baby some evenings so we could both get some sleep. My MIL seemed to think I should be bringing baby down to her several times a week from birth despite knowing we were having huge feeding issues, baby losing tons of weight, me being a mess etc. I've never quite forgiven her to be honest for adding an extra layer of stress to what felt like a hugely stressful situation.
My advice is: ignore her. Do what makes you and your baby happy. Your child, your choice. It sounds like she sees baby plenty and when you're ready to leave baby then you can call on her to babysit if she still wants to. Families who make new mums feel pressure/stress/upset over stuff like this are selfish tossers in my opinion.
I did my best to ignore my MILs pointed comments and told my DH to do the same. We were struggling as first time parents, she was making things worse and if she couldn't support us and let us take the time we needed to settle as a family of 3 then she wasn't much of a MIL in my opinion. cos I know how you are probably upset and beating yourself up about what she's saying. It's her problem not yours.

[ASomers]

I mean, whilst she's a young baby! When she's older, obviously grandparents will babysit.

[ASomers]

I don't think you're doing anything wrong. Your MIL shouldn't expect 1 on 1 time with your baby, bathing, feeding etc. To me, that's the parents job. It sounds like she sees your baby lots and you're doing your best to include her. I wouldn't want to leave my baby with either set of grandparents for babysitting.

[thisismycodename]

I kind of get where you're coming from OP. I never 'let' anyone look after my babies alone when they were small. DD1 was a very high needs baby, and would literally only sleep on me, in the quiet, and take a bottle from me or DH etc etc. Turned out she had horrendous silent reflux and was later diagnosed with ASD so much of her 'behaviour' if you can call it that at a young age is explainable, now. She was also on a couple of different types of medication for which she needed to eat well to take, so I used to get 'ah if she misses a feed because you're not there it's no big deal' but it was because it meant she couldn't have her medication. My MIL used to kick up merry hell that we wouldn't just drop her at her house for the afternoon so I could 'have a break and she could bond'. It caused all much stress but I stuck to my guns, my baby needed me and she got me. They were invited to visit regularly (two/three times a week) or we would go there at times that baby was awake and not needing to feed but that wasn't good enough either. It was the same for my family too though so I suppose you didn't have a disparity. DD1 I was eventually able to leave for short periods from about 13m (I'm a sahm so no nursery etc).

DD2 was a much easier baby, and I was more relaxed as a result but I still didn't leave her with anyone when she was really small. I didn't want to and I didn't feel bad about it second time around. But from probably 10m ish I'd leave her with grandparents for a short while and go to town to run some errands, or take older DD to a toddler group etc. I would have been happy to take her with me but it gave them the opportunity to 'babysit' so we just did that.

Now they are 4 and 2 and older DD will now go and spend the day with MIL and FIL, not for childcare purposes but because she wants to and they want to have her, they all love it. Younger DD goes too but we bring her home for naps (as she only naps at home) so we all go in the morning and then leave with toddler at lunchtime and leave DD1 there for the afternoon, picking her up before dinner time.

They still go on and ask for DD1 to now stay over with them! It's never enough. DD1 cannot stay over there alone, as I said she has ASD, and there is no way she'd stay away from home even with the grandparents that she loves. One of us would stay too, but that's not good enough. So I just tell them no.

There is so much pressure on new mums to just hand their babies over and it's unnecessary. I agree that it's brilliant to have caring grandparents and as much as my in laws annoy me at times I do see that it comes from a place of love for the children. But both of mine have a lovely bond with their grandparents, it's completely unaffected by the fact that I didn't leave them alone with them as babies! For example we don't tend to have any visitors after school because after a whole day being sociable DD1 just can't cope with more people in the short time between getting home and going to bed, she needs quiet time. Normal in children with ASD. But quite often, she will ask to FaceTime Grandma and tell her about her day, and she does just that. She wouldn't do that if she didn't have a decent bond with her!

[IseeIsee]

Your MIL probably sees the writing on the wall and is trying to get as close to baby as possible while she can. She is pushy, was uncaring during your pnd, and is putting pressure on you because she wants to exert Grandma rights. She knows her son doesn't care and so has to speak to you directly. You don't trust her because she raised your DP who you know, deep down, is abusive. Leave things as they are and just fob her off. Try maintain a good relationship with her though as she is probably a better option than your DP.

[Weirdfan]

I'm a first time nan to 13 month old DGS and I think your mil is being ridiculous OP. My DSS brings DGS round for regular visits (lockdowns allowing) and we play with him, maybe make him something to eat and help feed him etc but DSS is here all the time and we don't spend time 'one on one' with DGS. That's nothing to do with not being trusted, it's just that we all like to spend time together and it's not having any kind of detrimental effect on our bond with DGS, far from it! I don't understand why your mil feels she needs sole care of your baby to 'be a nan' OP, I'm actually technically step nan to DGS but I couldn't be any more his nan if I tried, I adore him and he adores me, no sole care needed

[LEELULUMPKIN]

My DS is now 15 and has Severe disabilities and SEN. My parents both passed away before he was born so I had hoped that DH's Mum and Dad would step up a bit.

In all of those 15 years they have never once offered to have him even for 10 mins.

They show no interest in him whatsoever.

I know my situation is different but I think you need to lighten up a bit re: your MIL as further down the line you may very much need her.

[WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo]

Bloody hell, just let the poor woman take the baby to feed the ducks or something and stop all this nonsense.

Honestly. 🙄

[Hellothere19999]

Hi OP I’m sorry so many people have been quite harsh with you on this post! I totally get what you’re getting at. I trust my MIL but when it comes down to it she isn’t my mum and that’s that. Once she got upset because we weren’t putting photos up on social media and I went on FB during a night feed to see my baby’s photo as her profile picture, I was so upset, as was my partner. It’s tough because you know she isn’t coming from a bad place but it is also annoying. Especially the stuff you’ve said about her trying to tell you how to parent. I would let her do the walk on a Saturday and if she is around for bath time, ask her to help, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to involve her in bath time as it is still your baby and you don’t have to adhere to her needs all the time, she’s a grown woman who’s already had her children. As I say, it’s tricky to get the right balance, on paper my MIL may be better with kids than my own mum but you don’t trust anyone like your own family and it’s so much easier to hand a baby over to your own family and let them help. It’s different with a pushy MIL. Can you ask your partner to talk to her? Then she can’t pin anything on you.