Mil expressed to me how she doesnt get do what nans do??

[Sophie1029734]

Hi everyone my baby is 9months.
The conversation we had was very calm, I tried to understand her and there was no bad blood.
She believes that all the nans around her are babysitting their grandchildren and she isnt. That when I go down to my families house once every 2 or 3 weeks for 2 days, they have more involvement because they get to do baths, feeds etc whilst she doesnt. Shes expressed that she wants one to one time to babysir so she can bond. My partner told me the other day how mil cried when my grandad picked me up on the day lockdown lifted, she saw him hold the baby as she happened to pull up to visit from a distance. I already told her I dont want to transfer from house to house and ofcourse.. I havnt seen my family in ages. Mil lives 2 mins away, even if it's from a distance shes been able to see lo. it's not all about who sees the baby too . ifs about who I want to see and I missed my family.

Out of lockdown I see her friday, I go round saturday and most times Sunday and will sometimes knock through the week. I've never felt the need to have her in the house tagging along with me and the baby which is what's been suggested. I've never felt the need to give my baby to them for a couple hours as I dont work and i dont need that. I dont see why the time she has isnt enough? She believes because she isnt doing nappy changes, having alone time, bathes, feeds, taking her walks that she isnt being a nan. She seems to compare me to everyone. In the conversation she went on about how the people around her are babysitting and she isnt, how she let her mum babysit the boys. She expressed to my partner the sadness of seeing videos of how involved my family can be and how she doesnt get that. I'm letting her take lo for walk in the pram, I'm also letting her come round when she has a day off to sit with baby in living room and I'll go elsewhere.
Despite giving her more time and ending the conversation really well, I dont understand the pressure from her and her family to give mil alone time? Time to do baths and all that? Why isn't the time she has worn lo already enough?

[SleepingStandingUp]

Sorry op cross posted

So how does DP feel about it and why can't he take lo to see mil? Perhaps given you're not too keen on her you're actually seeing her too much and quality over quantity would be bettee

[Sophie1029734]

I was confused because in my mind I thought she was seeing baby a lot already, but she feels she dowsnt get enough because that time doesnt involve the careing side. I feel confused as to weather that's a given with being a nan that she isnt doing, or is she being greedy and wanting too much involvement?

[Sophie1029734]

Shes sees her atleast 4 to 5 times a week. So partner isnt really bothered to be honest

[HeyChubbee]

This post just shows how people are not listening to the rules - OP I understand you completely- you do not have to leave your baby with her - your baby your rules x

[beavisandbutthead]

It sounds like you see MIL a lot. She wants your baby alone and your not allowing that. Fair enough and your choice. I never understand grandparents who think it is there right to have alone time with young babies. However it sounds like you take your baby round and ignore MiL as she plays with the baby and your on your phone. That is pretty rude tbh never mind anything else

[Ohdoleavemealone]

I think you misunderstand that "time" and "quality time" are different things.

Kind of like the difference between meeting your friends for a coffee with kids in tow, and meeting your friends for a drink of an evening without kids.

Your MIL is craving the feeling of responsibility, the feeling that you trust her with her most precious thing, that she can say to her friends " oh yes I love having little Esme". Right now, her time is superficial. You are always there in the background and it really isn't the same.
I used to feel exactly like you and that means you are just not ready to leave her and that is okay. It doesn't make her feeling any less valid though either.
I felt like this for ages and felt rushed into leaving the baby. My MIL was always nice about it but I could see she was itching to be a pivitol role.
What I will say though is she has an excellent relationship with them now and they have really missed her during lockdown.
Why don't you go for a meal with your husband and leave the baby with her? I get you don't "need" to, but most relationships benefit from quality time, so it can't be a bad thing can it?

[Brefugee]

if you don't let her hold the baby and it's true that you take the baby when you leave the room when she's there but not your family YABVU and I'm not surprised she's sad.

And stop shouting "it's a lockdown, people" when your OP describes weekend visits to your family. Get your timeline straight and reply about the loo thing.

You are literally saying that you don't trust her. But here's the thing, the baby is also your DH's baby and he can decide if his mum can be trusted (absent backstories of abuse, chainsmoking and alcoholism)

[Happygogoat]

I think there's two aspects here.

MIL wants to babysit and have one on one time with the baby. You're not ready - so no. That's not negotiable. It's not the right of a grandparent to "parent" the baby - if and when you're ready for that then great.

It sounds likes there are quite apparent differences between how you behave around your in laws and the baby and your family. Ok she "sees" her more but it sounds like there is none of the closeness at all and that's what she wants. Has she ever held her? But your family have? It sounds like you need the same consistent boundaries.

[justanotherneighinparadise]

She wants to ‘play mum’ for whatever reason. Who knows why 🤷‍♀️ We could also sit here and give a psychological assessment but it won’t help you. She’s voiced her displeasure, now you either acquiesce to her or you don’t. What does your husband say?

[FurryTurnipHead]

I have seen a very similar situation to this with my family. My brother and particularly his partner wouldn't let my parents have any proper time with their grandson. Wouldn't leave them alone together, always hovering over the baby.

It did untold damage to the relationship between all of them, and my parents are not close at all to their DS. It was only ever talked about recently between them and their DS is now 17.

Stop treating her like you don't trust her. Being a grandparent is a very special thing, and some people spend their lives looking forward to this role. Let her be a proper grandma. She obviously managed to keep your DP alive and well to adulthood. You don't need to be far away, sit in a coffee shop round the corner if you need to manage your own anxiety levels, but let her properly bond with the baby and enjoy their time together without feeling watched and judged.

[Pbbananabagel]

Your posts really aren’t that confusing- you stayed with your parents so they got to help with bath time, you live near your MIl so she’s never had to help with that.
Overall she’s seen and been involved with your baby way more than them and she’s now using the fact that baby has stayed over there (with you) as emotional blackmail material for you leaving baby with her independently before you are ready to.
Correct?
You have absolutely nothing to feel bad about whatsoever- you leave baby when you are ready to and not before.
And of course you feel more comfortable with baby around your own family- who in all honesty wouldn’t!

[lazylump72]

HI OP ..What does your dh think? Is he of the same opinion as his mum? I understand things are really hard when trying to navigate all this during a bloody pandemic.It can never be easy trying to juggle with a new baby and try to raise one right now because of restrictions etc. I think for what its worth you carry on as you have been doing.A hapy mum is far more valuable to a baby than you tryng to break your back trying to please everyone and meet their demands.As time goes on then as we progress out of the other side of this mess then maybe you can look at being more open if you get what I mean?! No one can fault you wanting to keep baby safe and the rest of the family either. I think have a word with MIL and say something like you appreciate her love and support and are grateful for it but you feel you can manage right now.Be straight with her and say you are doing your best. but there will come a time when you would like to be able to rely on her support in future when guidelines permit it.This could be total crap but it will smooth the waters for you and get her off your case.

[froubylou]

I understand your posts op.

I would say instead of lots of little visits you drop baby off for an hour while you maybe go have a coffee, or just a sandwich in peace or something. Or ask her to come and take him for a walk around the block while you have a shower or something. You aren't far off having a relentless toddler and I promise you, you will definitely appreciate a break then.

Let her develop a relationship with him, for your benefit not mils, you are lucky to have a doting nanna just round the corner and tho it's hard at first, the more time you allow the easier it gets I promise. And having someone close by just so you can go shopping or for a run or just an uninterrupted shower is invaluable especially as baby gets more mobile. Toddlers are cunts tbh, share the burden now to reap the rewards later!

[drspouse]

No, MIL got to hold baby in the summer. She just didn't get to keep baby at her house and pretend she was mum again.
I think you're fine and MIL needs to get a grip.

[Savoretti]

Why can’t you bath the baby at your MILs and let her help? She just wants to be involved. I don’t understand why you can’t see that.
When my Dsis had her first children I was desperate to be involved, take them out, change their nappies. I absolutely can’t understand how you can’t see that holding a baby on your lap while the mother looks on is not the same

[Brefugee]

She wants to ‘play mum’ for whatever reason.

sounds to me like she wants to play granny, just like the other grandparents do.

If this is how it is for the mothers of boys once they get married, I'm glad i don't have any.

[Anniemabel]

I think it’s the case of the grass is greener, your MIL thinks your family are getting better quality time with your child. She probably just wants to ‘play mum’ so she feels like she is closer to your child than the other set of grandparents.

In my experience, the more chilled out ‘fun’ grandparents end up with a better relationship with the kids than the ones who change nappies and do the boring stuff but my MIL was the same, she wanted all sorts of boring mum type experiences with my eldest, like having him overnight as a baby and buying nappies and feeding him - it was all about enhancing her own mum type experience. My parents did loads of practical stuff when I needed it to help me, not because they were overly bothered about doing it for their own benefit, and now as the kids are older they do all the fun stuff with them like sneaking them chocolate and building dens and playing endless games etc. Whereas my MIL is still hankering after that parent type role where she’s left ‘in charge’ or ‘supervising’ and cooking for them.

I’ve learnt that you can’t please everyone, people have to just fit in. Of course you want to see your family and at the moment it’s about what you want and who you want to spend time with because your child is largely oblivious to the whole thing! It sounds to me like you’re a much more accommodating DIL than I was!

[Suzi888]

‘Let her develop a relationship with him, for your benefit not mils, you are lucky to have a doting nanna just round the corner and tho it's hard at first, the more time you allow the easier it gets I promise. And having someone close by just so you can go shopping or for a run or just an uninterrupted shower is invaluable especially as baby gets more mobile.’

If you ever plan to have a life and go out without your baby, toddler, child, you are risking your child refusing to stay with nan... if you don’t plan on going out, then carry on. It’s your baby and it’s up to you.

[Blimeyoreilly2020]

Urgh, I hate this ridiculous expectation that all Mum’s should be thrilled to hand their kids over to grandparents and that grandparents have a ‘right’ to this. You’re the parent, sounds like you have a good relationship and your baby already spends x3 times a week at mils? Her problem is that you are there too? Bonkers.

[Smidge001]

You keep saying you have no 'need' to let mil have baby alone at her house. Fine, there is no 'need', but maybe you could just do it to make you mil happy, and to encourage a bond between her and the baby? I don't see why you can't facilitate it just because there's no need.

[ineedaholidaynow]

What country do you live in?

[Screwcorona]

It sounds like your MIL actually gets more time with the baby, more holds and cuddles etc than your family so shes peobably misread the situation

[Lalliella]

You said no-one else has held the baby but earlier you said your grandad has. This doesn’t make sense.

[Sertchgi123]

She is equally your child’s grandparent. You are being very unreasonable.

[TheYearOfSmallThings]

Given that your baby is 9 months old, will you be going back to work soon? Even if not, you may find yourself craving a little time yourself now and then. Letting your MIL look after DC for an hour here and there might be a good way to ease into that.

As babies grow older a harsh truth is that fewer people are interested in them and keen to spend time with them. With your parents living far away, and your MIL nearby, you might be very grateful for her presence in a few years when you have another baby and a toddler both needing attention at the same time. Honestly, if I could palm off bath time occasionally I would not be heartbroken.

I mean she sounds a bit intense, but presumably she raised your DH well.