Should I leave DS with his uncle so he can finish A-Levels here?

[ConflictedMummy]

Hi all. I have a dilemma, DH has found a new job in the middle-east where he’ll receive almost triple the salary he’s receiving now. DS, who’s 18, is currently doing his A-Levels and he will stay with his uncle if we go. The reason we can’t take him is because he has another 2 years of A-Levels and if we take him with us he can’t get student finance to go to uni. We are bringing our 2 DDs but they are still in school

Is that a typo and he is 16? My daughter is doing A-Levels and is 16 with just under 2 years, although I was living on my own at 17, what are his thoughts?

Well he’s about to be 18, he’s resitting. He did say he wants to come with us, and we told him about the student finance situation as he really wants to go to uni, so I think he’s kind of accepted living with his uncle.

I wouldn't go at all, your son needs you not his uncle and taking young women to live there, no way would I do that.

What does your DS want to do? Is his uncle someone he's happy to rely on for two crucial years?

I've known people whose parents completely disrupted the children's education for similar reasons - never making a firm decision either way. The adult children have never properly recovered.

So I'd suggest you really talk it through thoroughly - including your daughters if they're old enough to speak and have an opinion; it's their life too. Do they want to be moved permanently from the U.K., at least until they're adults? How will their lives/lifestyles be affected by a move to whichever particular country it is?

As regards university, would the increased salary not be sufficient to cover international student fees if any of the children want to stay with you now but return here for undergraduate degrees?

Of course, it may be that they all embrace the wider horizons ...

And what happens if you change your mind and want to return with the children?

(Sorry, missed your second post, OP.)

It's not ideal, but of the five of you, surely your DH is the one most capable of living independently. Could he go now, and you join him in two years?

DS could have a brilliant post a levels summer with you in the ME, then go back to Uk to a new life at Uni and join you for the holidays

How old are the DD's?

I wouldn't go to the ME.

I wouldn't abandon my child or disrupt their education at such a crucial point, just for some more money.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I know of (and have been in) similar situations and the effects on young people can be devastating.

Couldn’t your DH go alone and the rest of you follow when your son has finished studying? Much better for a parent to be living alone than a child IMO.

How close is he with his uncle? Will his uncle provide the emotional support, encouragement and motivation to get through his a-levels?
I think for his future his needs to do his a-levels here but I don’t think I’d go. I understand he’s 18 but I think that age and doing his a-levels is a crucial time for him.

I once had a work colleague whose parents had moved during her A levels...she was dumped in a YWCA; so on that basis an Uncle sounds infinitely more preferable!

I would stay at home with the three DC until DS had finished his A levels.

I wouldn't be taking two daughters to the ME.

Why can't your husband go alone? There's plenty of time to visit in the holidays. Also, what will you do for work?

I would also send dh and stay behind with dc.

At 18 he would usually be heading off to university so presumably capable of coping without his parents - although you know your own son's temperament and abilities better than any of us.
I know 16 & 17 year olds who moved on their own for sixth form college and some who stayed when their families moved - they stayed eiither with the families of their friends or with relatives.
If he knows why he is doing it, and the uncle is up for it, it seems fine to me.

My mum did this to me. I completely crashed and burned and it took a loooonng time to pull myself up to a better place emotionally and educationally as a result.

I would stay put with the kids and have regular visits (hopefully paid for by the company). As a woman there's no way I'd want to be living in the ME.

Don't take your daughters to the ME! And don't abandon your son during a critical phase in his education!

The fact that he's resitting implies that he's already struggled significantly with this process once, so he will likely need support, guidance and supervision, you need to be on hand to do that!

If the money is really that important to you, send your DH on his own and join him when your kids are done with school.

It seems ideal for DH to go alone but he would never accept that. To give some background, DS’s father died around the time he was born, and DH came into his life when he was around 4 years old. They never really got along. DDs are DH’s pride and joy you could say and he refuses to leave them back in the UK.

And if your husband is earning so much why would your son need a student loan??

As a woman, I wouldn't be taking myself or my 2 DD to the ME, as I speak as someone with a DH from a similar culture. I also know women who have lived there and would never return.

My option would be stay here with DC, DH goes to ME

Wow - 14 years living with someone doesn't like you then to be dumped at 18 with an uncle so the rest of you can play happy families! Just wow

@ConflictedMummy

It seems ideal for DH to go alone but he would never accept that. To give some background, DS’s father died around the time he was born, and DH came into his life when he was around 4 years old. They never really got along. DDs are DH’s pride and joy you could say and he refuses to leave them back in the UK.

In the light of this, you'd be a fool to choose to go to the ME and leave your son behind.

Also, if your daughters are your DH's pride and joy, surely he wouldn't want then spending their formative years in a place where women are so heavily restricted?

Not a chance, for me options would be
Everybody goes
Nobody goes
DH goes

Your update makes it worse
So you want to take the new family and ditch your son? That’s awful

If his step father doesn't get on with him AND he suffered the death of his own father, AND he wants to go AND you will be earning triple your salary anyway, what do you really think the answer is OP?

If your DH is getting a massive salary how much student finance will he get anyway?

Poor boy: wants to come with his family, who are leaving to make shed loads of ££, but told he can’t because it will cost too much?

I guess you don’t want to stay here with your kids while your DH works abroad because you would miss your DH. Your 16 yo will miss his Mum, Dad and siblings

How does he benefit from all this lovely cash your DH will earn?

I honestly wouldn’t consider such a thing. But then I wouldn’t take teens away from their schools, friends etc unless we had no other option financially.