Should I leave DS with his uncle so he can finish A-Levels here?

[ConflictedMummy]

Hi all. I have a dilemma, DH has found a new job in the middle-east where he’ll receive almost triple the salary he’s receiving now. DS, who’s 18, is currently doing his A-Levels and he will stay with his uncle if we go. The reason we can’t take him is because he has another 2 years of A-Levels and if we take him with us he can’t get student finance to go to uni. We are bringing our 2 DDs but they are still in school

@ConflictedMummy

It seems ideal for DH to go alone but he would never accept that. To give some background, DS’s father died around the time he was born, and DH came into his life when he was around 4 years old. They never really got along. DDs are DH’s pride and joy you could say and he refuses to leave them back in the UK.

Well he'll just have to doesn't it leave a bad taste in your mouth to do that to one of your children.

He doesn't sound like a man I would go to the Middle East with with two young women you are literally on your arse out there if you so much as put a foot wrong.

Call me cynical but in those country's the mans word is law if things go wrong you will lose your daughters and be forced to leave the country have you investigated your husbands motives

Oh gosh- I was going to suggest what others have and say you and the kids follow on once ds has finished his schooling.

After your update I'm even more on that side. Please please do not leave without your son.

I agree with pp. No way would I go in these circumstances. Think of your DS.

Well with that update, I think your son will resent you forever if you leave him here at such a crucial time.

With your update i definitely wouldn't leave my DS - how many times does he need to be abandoned in his life?

Don't do it OP. You son needs your support, he is still so young. And being a girl in the middle east? At best, they will have no freedom to live their lives in the way they will expect to. Your update makes it so much worse.

Forget it. Please. It is a terrible idea. Money can't fix the damage to your relationships with your children.

Sounds like your DH is making all the decisions for everyone here, based on what he personally wants to happen. And you just plan to go along with it, despite the impact on your kids.

My sister in law did exactly the same. Left DS resitting a levels, taking two younger DDs to school in a new country.

Their DS got himself in a whole heap of trouble and failed them all again. Now doesn't speak to either of them.

Your DH couldn’t manage to get along with a four year old whose father had died? Now you’re planning to abandon him at a crucial point in his education. Poor lad.

I have a feeling this decision has been made already.

If you want any relationship with your son, you really shouldn't go and leave him behind.

DS’s father died around the time he was born, and DH came into his life when he was around 4 years old. They never really got along. DDs are DH’s pride and joy you could say and he refuses to leave them back in the UK

Poor boy.

But your DH is now putting you in the situation of supporting his career or looking after your Ds. Who has lived in an atmosphere of favouritism since his sisters were born

With your update about DS dad having passed I would say defo not to go.

Your poor son.
Your son should be the priority here, especially as he is unloved by his stepdad.
Leaving him behind will just compound his feeling of rejection.

@ConflictedMummy

It seems ideal for DH to go alone but he would never accept that. To give some background, DS’s father died around the time he was born, and DH came into his life when he was around 4 years old. They never really got along. DDs are DH’s pride and joy you could say and he refuses to leave them back in the UK.

You have a DH problem. He sounds like a shit.

I’d do it.

It depends on your kids of course, but there’s a lot of negativity on here from people who I’m guessing have never lived abroad with kids, or spent time in the Middle East. Which country is it? They vary a lot.

In the Middle East you’ll be in an expat bubble most of the time. Your kids will benefit from excellent international schools and the wider cultural variety, and it will broaden their horizons. On the other hand you will be breaking up their friendships so do take into account their mental well-being.

For the 18yo, most of his peers will be going off to university, college or work so he would possibly relish the freedom, but it depends on how mature he is. He will be in a better situation, with an uncle, than many international students who come to the U.K.

Have you considered the impact on your daughters’ university funding in the future?

I’d consider asking on an ex-pat forum as you will get a different perspective from mumsnet.

peakotter have you actually read the thread at all? This isn’t about how the dc they are taking with them will cope it’s about the one they want to leave behind

You'd really consider leaving your child in a different country, because your husband is a shit? You're essentially choosing your husband over your son, perhaps it's time to look at your priorities.

@ConflictedMummy

It seems ideal for DH to go alone but he would never accept that. To give some background, DS’s father died around the time he was born, and DH came into his life when he was around 4 years old. They never really got along. DDs are DH’s pride and joy you could say and he refuses to leave them back in the UK.

Christ almighty this update is horrible. You’re essentially saying to your son that your SH is happy to abandon him because he costs too much, and you’re willing to go along with it?

Sounds like she chose her husband over her son a long time ago

Hoppinggreen sorry I did miss the update and was also replying to the comments about taking girls to the Middle East.

But it still stands that many 18yo are independent enough to go to uni in a different country. It really depends on the young person but they aren’t children at 18. Many international students do it with far less support, so don’t rule it out.

Given the update, there's no way in hell I'd leave my son to move abroad. What a way to cut him from his family! And your husband can't force you to take the girls abroad with him. I'd be refusing to go and no way would I take 2 girls to the ME!

@Hoppinggreen

Sounds like she chose her husband over her son a long time ago

This. Poor lad.

@mamaoffourdc

Wow - 14 years living with someone doesn't like you then to be dumped at 18 with an uncle so the rest of you can play happy families! Just wow

This. Come on OP, what are you doing?

You'd be insane to go, not just because of your son but because if you or your DD hate it, you will not be able to leave without your husband's permission.

how committed is ds to A level study and uni? How independent is he? If he is already resitting he may need your support more than ever. Sounds like your dh would like to airbrush him out, is he going to support him financially through uni? The overseas student fee is a distraction from the real issue.

Would he be willing to study remotely online?