Should I leave DS with his uncle so he can finish A-Levels here?

[ConflictedMummy]

Hi all. I have a dilemma, DH has found a new job in the middle-east where he’ll receive almost triple the salary he’s receiving now. DS, who’s 18, is currently doing his A-Levels and he will stay with his uncle if we go. The reason we can’t take him is because he has another 2 years of A-Levels and if we take him with us he can’t get student finance to go to uni. We are bringing our 2 DDs but they are still in school

I personally wouldn’t abandon my child to go to another country for a lucrative salary. It doesn’t matter if he’s almost 18 or about the A levels. He’s still really young and he needs his parents.

If your DH is earning 3 x the salary then that more than covers the student finance your DS won't receive.

Why is your DS doing 2 more years of A levels? Is he re-doing the whole 2 years? Why is that?

It all sounds awful and I couldn't do that to my son.

A child that has already failed his A Levels once is going to need a heck of a lot of home support/cajoling. Abandoning him now will mean you have no relationship when he is an adult.

To the poster saying he doesn't need student finance if his SF earns so much- he does need it, because he needs to be paying home fees not international fees, and he will need a loan for fees and living costs, as it doesn't sound as though his SF is going to support him much longer.

@Hoppinggreen

Sounds like she chose her husband over her son a long time ago

Agree with this. I'd never have tolerated a man who didn't get along with my kids, never mind at 4 years old! And now leaving him behind. What a way to twist the knife!

My guess is that your husband works for BAE? Is it Saudi?

I would be very, very mindful about the life you will have over there. I had a number of friends growing up who had come back to the UK as the lifestyle was impossible to adapt to.

Will work provide him accommodation in a compound? If not, I wouldn't go. There are small pockets where those moving for work tend to move that is essentially like a holiday villa with pools and perhaps a convenience shop. That will be the only freedom you or your daughters have without your husband.

You will have to conform to their dress laws, you won't be allowed out alone I don't think and can you even drive?

Excluding the awful decision to leave your son this is a massively bad idea. Do not take your young daughters somewhere they are seen as lesser citizens. You are putting a price on what remains of your children's childhoods.

Don't abandon your son and don't take your daughters. He goes alone or not at all.

Why have you stayed in a relationship with a man 'your son never got along with'?

For the 18yo, most of his peers will be going off to university, college or work so he would possibly relish the freedom

Did you miss the part where OP said he wants to go to the ME with them?

He will be in a better situation, with an uncle, than many international students who come to the U.K.

But he is not an international student coming to the U.K. He has lived in Britain with his family all his life and suddenly having them all gone. Quite frankly, if the best comparison you can come up with is OP’s son living with an uncle v a sofa surfing international student (because this is what you are implying) you have a very poor view of family relations and this young lad’s welfare.

Are you in Scotland, and worrying he'd lose free University tuition in a Scottish university?

If  you're in England I  can't see how the fact you reside abroad would affect his financial situation in any UK university.

No. Your ds needs you. Your girls need to be in a country, where th have equal rights. If your relationship breaks down (which it could do if you realise you need to return to your struggling ds), you could see yourself unable to return to the country and your dds remaining in the ME with their father until they come of age.

From your update, I feel really sorry for your son, he has had 14 years living with a man who he doesn't get on with, and then at a crucial point in his life and education you leave him behind while you go to a different country and play happy families,
Also as a side note have you heard of Afsana Lachaux? If not google her. British lady went to Dubai with her husband, she left him because of violence lived if a refuge over there, he got a secret divorce and full custody of their child who Afsana hasn't seen in years. Some of there countries are not safe for women or young girls.

Has DH lived in this country before? Is he from there? (He does sound like he’s making a Man decision. Which is what people from over there do I believe, the woman has no say in anything and is just a possession basically who can’t return to the U.K. without her husbands permission. Feel free to correct me if I am wrong however)

Has ds lived with his uncle before?

Surely both things need tried out to see how it goes first? And then further discussions.

I’d suggest DH going there alone initially for a few months while ds lives with his uncle and see how it all pans out. While you are still around and the girls are still in school. Then if you decide to uproot at least you have some idea of how it will be prior.
The idea of the larger salary is always attractive but you have to pay for medical care and you get no pension so it’s perhaps not quite as much as you’d think when that’s considered?

On the face of it the large salary does seem amazing, but you pay for everything - healthcare, education (im assuming you'll send your DD's to a fee paying school while living there). Rent is extortionate if you want to live somewhere half decent. So when all that is factored in, the salary isnt so amazing.

As for leaving your son, I wouldnt. Id send my husband to go on his own and stay at home to provide stability for my kids. If anything, this would be better financially because your husband wouldnt need smaller accomodation, there wouldnt be any school fees, etc. Then you guys could benefit from the big wage at home.

Your update makes the decision easy.

Do not leave your son behind in the UK. No way, no how. You all go or you all stay, or your DH goes alone.

Your poor son. It's obvious your DH doesn't want him around.

Depends on your ds, I think him staying with his uncle at 18 is fine as long as it's his choice.

My parents did this to me and my brother and we still resent them for it.

Yes we were 18 and yes had just started uni but they basically fucked off and left us to it

You need to stay with him and send your husband alone

Your DH couldn’t manage to get along with a four year old whose father had died?
This! And yet you married him. DH2 won the battle a long time ago. I expect you’ll do whatever suits your “family together” best.

Gosh your poor son. I really do understand the draw of more money, but to just leave him is dreadful. He’s grown up with a man who doesn’t seem to like him and who is now prepared to just leave him behind as you’re thinking of going along with it. I think think could possibly cause irreversible mental health issues for your son further down the line.

I was your DS. We'd lived abroad from year 8 then after Gcses we moved back to the UK. Then parents decided to move abroad somewhere else. I'd got myself a job, boyfriend, started to make friends so I didn't go with them.

I was left in the family home alone (bills all paid for me) and would go for extended periods to the country they'd moved to. That was the good part.

The bad part was that I was too young to be without my parents, who were a 12 hour plane ride away. Aunties and uncles and my stepdad tried to help but I needed my mam.

I did some pretty risky stuff, one night stands, parties at the house with undesirables because I was lonely. I considered suicide with no previous mental health issues. Friends can only fill the void so much. What do you do on a Sunday when everyone else is having a relaxed time with their family and you're sat in the house on your own?

I then got into a few abusive relationships because I didn't want to be alone anymore. I wouldn't have done that if I'd had my family at home.

I lived in the middle East and it wouldn't be somewhere I would take young girls. I was sexually assaulted there and 90% of the girls I knew were too.

@ConflictedMummy

It seems ideal for DH to go alone but he would never accept that. To give some background, DS’s father died around the time he was born, and DH came into his life when he was around 4 years old. They never really got along. DDs are DH’s pride and joy you could say and he refuses to leave them back in the UK.

Ah so he's found a job with extra money AND a way to get rid of the pesky step son he doesn't like. Winner eh.

It's a bit late for why would you marry and have children with someone who doesn't like your infant son though.

How old are your girls?

@mamaoffourdc

And if your husband is earning so much why would your son need a student loan??

Because he doesn't like his step son so presumably wouldn't waste his money on someone else's kid, and yet the boy will be penalised on the checks as he's from a high income family.

I work with families moving overseas and moving back to the UK.

We always advise families moving overseas to think VERY long and hard before they move teens. It is a really difficult time to move and it is very hard to give good continuity with schooling.

Some questions for you (not that you have to reply to me, but for you to think about)

1. emotionally, can his uncle give him the support he needs through A levels. I would not be convinced. My ds is 18, he is pretty independant, but he still needs parents.
2. Does the uncle have any kids himself? In other words does he know how to parent?
3. You are wrong about student finance. If your dh is overseas on a temporary contract, and he can show that, especially if the company has headquarters in UK, and you retain links to UK, then you are considered to be a UK student for student loans and finance. This is not 100% across the board, as it is ultimately down to the discretion of an individual university, but the issue is whether you are UK based ie you intend to return to UK after this contract, then you are eligible for student finance.
4. what schooling is available, both for your son and for your dds. If it is an international school, does it follow a UK based curriculum or a US based curriculum? This matters for when you need to return to UK. If you follow a US curriculum, are overseas for eg 3 years and then return, it will be incredibly difficult to slot back into UK school

Op does he like his uncle? Is it your / his Dad's brother or your partner's? Of the uncle actually cares about your son or might be preferable for him to be on a home where he's fully wanted anyway.

sorry, my bit about student finance applies to England, and I am pretty sure to wales, but I can't say for Scotland

Woah, you've been with a man for 14 years who doesn't like your son? And you're about to fuck off to the ME with young girls (have you considered what restrictions will be in place on their and your lives as females?) and leave him behind?

No. Just awful. That poor boy.

No way would I be leaving my son behind under those circumstances. The damage to your relationship with him could be irreparable, not to mention his education.
I’m not convinced it would be in your girls’ best interest either.

for those saying don't take dds to middle east.

My parents lived in saudi when I was 9-15. I was at boarding school in Uk and went out in holidays.
It was an amazing experience to live overseas for a while, to experience another culture. Restrictions were pretty strict for women and we couldn't leave the compound without the company of a man. My mum dd work (in an International School) but wasn't allowed to drive. It was veyr oppressive of women, we had t wear head coverings an long sleeves etc when we left the house.

It gave me a massive appreciation of what we have in UK, of the freedoms we have and of the continued oppression of women around the world. It gave me a workd view not a UK centric view and it gave me a desire to explore more of the world.
But looking back, that was partly because my Mum didn't become a gin swilling ex-pat like a lot of the other women, she talked about the society we were in and th implications for women, she made sure we didn't take it for granted.