Should I leave DS with his uncle so he can finish A-Levels here?

[ConflictedMummy]

Hi all. I have a dilemma, DH has found a new job in the middle-east where he’ll receive almost triple the salary he’s receiving now. DS, who’s 18, is currently doing his A-Levels and he will stay with his uncle if we go. The reason we can’t take him is because he has another 2 years of A-Levels and if we take him with us he can’t get student finance to go to uni. We are bringing our 2 DDs but they are still in school

And what is your DS's view on this plan?

Have you discussed it with him yet?

Your husband sounds vile and I cannot believe you have stayed with him whilst he has been so horrible to your son and obviously favoured your daughters.

From your latest post OP, it sounds like it would probably be the nail in the coffin with you and your sons relationship. Not only does he already feel like an outsider, but you're all going to leave him at a crucial age to go to the other side of the world. I wouldn't be surprised if he never visited.

So you’re abandoning your ds to suit your dh. What kind of shitty parent does that? Poor boy - knowing that for his whole life that his mother prioritises her new husband (and herself) over him.

Your husband sounds vile and I cannot believe you have stayed with him whilst he has been so horrible to your son and obviously favoured your daughters.

Sounds like OP not only condones this behaviour, but is doing the same thing herself. Her son never stood a chance.

Actually, yes, you both sound like a pair of arseholes. You’ve put money above your son. Dress it up how you like, but that’s how it is.

The best solution would be to delay moving by a year - yes, your DH would have to find a new job in a years time which I appreciate wouldn’t be guaranteed - then for your DH to move out alone And you all join him for the holidays, for the first 12 months, and the. You and dds relocate when Ds is at uni.

@ConflictedMummy

Hi all. Thanks for all your replies and for showing so much insight. So to update DH and DS got along at first and somewhere down the road they started having constant arguments and fights, I have to stay with him for the sake of all my kids and I guess it’s my burden to bear. On the topic of money, which was reflected heavily on in this thread, it would cost 60,000 over 3 years to send DS to his chosen uni, if he comes with and I’m not sure if we’ll be able to cover this. He’s currently at a very good school and I don’t want him to leave it, and he’ll get his own little space for hisself with his uncle, away from their house but a 30 second walk. It’s not ideal but we all would really like to leave the UK

erm no. You set a good example for all your children and not jib one of them off. Which is what you are doing!

to me, its all, none of your DH goes alone

Your poor son. If you want to completely ruin the relationship you have with him,once you board that plane you will!

I don't think you realise what you would be giving up by moving there. Open your eyes op, fast. You do realise if it doesn't work out but your husband stays, you'll have to leave your girls out there? Aside from abandoning your son too.

How old are the daughters? Old enough to have insight into how life will be there for them to 'really want to go'? And so ds won't actually be living with his uncle but near.. so a granny flat, converted garage, garden shed? (Or cupboard under the stairs like HP?)

I dont think you should leave your son here without his mother.
I dont think you should move your son abroad at this point in his schooling.
So that leaves husband going without you, or none of you going.

Just one more potential spanner - how old are the girls? Are you going to want to move back to the UK when one is mid GCSE or A level course? Thats also a bad idea.

Also, depending on where you go, the schooling might not be all its cracked up to be. Ok, we were in a very unpopular part of the middle east, but we got places at the best British school in the area. It was no better than our bog standard primary and comp that the kids are now at. Yes, the facilities were excellent, but some of the teaching and behaviour expectations weren't exactly stellar.

Given the time again, I would consider moving with preschool or primary kids, but back for year 9 at an absolute latest. Earlier than that if you are living somewhere very conservative (and I dont include Dubai or Abu Dhabi, as well as Jordan and Lebanon as very conservative).

Its a massive decision to make, with lots of far reaching implications. I hope the conversations you have with everyone affected by the possible move give you more answers rather than more headaches.

@ConflictedMummy

Hi all. Thanks for all your replies and for showing so much insight. So to update DH and DS got along at first and somewhere down the road they started having constant arguments and fights, I have to stay with him for the sake of all my kids and I guess it’s my burden to bear. On the topic of money, which was reflected heavily on in this thread, it would cost 60,000 over 3 years to send DS to his chosen uni, if he comes with and I’m not sure if we’ll be able to cover this. He’s currently at a very good school and I don’t want him to leave it, and he’ll get his own little space for hisself with his uncle, away from their house but a 30 second walk. It’s not ideal but we all would really like to leave the UK

Are you actually for real op?

You can't leave him - it would be so cruel at this point part way through redoing a levels
Put him first for once in your life

I would say DH goes on his own or doesn't go

Review it again in a year

Double check the Uni costs as he would still be classed a UK student so that should not even come into it

Also where in ME? Dubai I'd be fine with, Saudi I wouldn't even consider with your dds

Ugh! I'm hoping this isn't true. Your dh sounds controlling and thinking about if you need to return to your ds for any reason, he might not allow your dds to come back with you. If you're unhappy out there, will the three of you be able to return? The 60k question, do you know this is true or is this what you have been told? What is it about the ME that makes you personally want to live there?

Send him round to the mother on the other step child thread and he can share the bloody shed.

Nope, l cannot imagine abandoning my gorgeous son in his mid/late teens. Just no.

He made me laugh every day, and was such a joy to have around at that age. Like some giant affectionate puppy. I would have missed him unbearably.

He’s 26 now and still makes me laugh all the time.

@Gifgif

Send him round to the mother on the other step child thread and he can share the bloody shed.

I know it's not funny but that did make me lol!

What is this thread?! Can you link?

@ConflictedMummy

Hi all. Thanks for all your replies and for showing so much insight. So to update DH and DS got along at first and somewhere down the road they started having constant arguments and fights, I have to stay with him for the sake of all my kids and I guess it’s my burden to bear. On the topic of money, which was reflected heavily on in this thread, it would cost 60,000 over 3 years to send DS to his chosen uni, if he comes with and I’m not sure if we’ll be able to cover this. He’s currently at a very good school and I don’t want him to leave it, and he’ll get his own little space for hisself with his uncle, away from their house but a 30 second walk. It’s not ideal but we all would really like to leave the UK

You don't HAVE to stay with anyone

My god I am so sick of people staying with partners "for the children" it is such a fucking spineless cop out.

This happened to both me and my youngest brother, although we were doing our GCSEs. It definitely affected our results as, while we were looked after, there was no one to support and encourage us while we prepared for our exams.

The situation with your DH and DS is even more tricky as your DS is likely to take this as you abandoning him to be with your new family.

That said, I did live in the Middle East as a child and it was the best time of my life so it would be a shame for your DDs to miss out.

Just cannot get over the thought of dumping your kid on an uncle.

In terms of schooling:

He will ‘become a looked after’ child. So top of the safeguarding list. And will be constantly watched.
‘Looked after children’ tend not to have successful academic qualifications. Not al the time, but academic performance is lower
He will not have the considerable support he will need during his A levels.
He will not feel comfortable of safe to express his anxiety.
He will feel rejected.

25 years as a secondary teacher. This sort of situation always causes raised eyebrows at school, and a sort of bewilderment as to why any parent can behave like this.

‘Looked after children’ are one of the saddest things l see at work.

@TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince

What is this thread?! Can you link?

I think it was deleted?

@ConflictedMummy

Hi all. Thanks for all your replies and for showing so much insight. So to update DH and DS got along at first and somewhere down the road they started having constant arguments and fights, I have to stay with him for the sake of all my kids and I guess it’s my burden to bear. On the topic of money, which was reflected heavily on in this thread, it would cost 60,000 over 3 years to send DS to his chosen uni, if he comes with and I’m not sure if we’ll be able to cover this. He’s currently at a very good school and I don’t want him to leave it, and he’ll get his own little space for hisself with his uncle, away from their house but a 30 second walk. It’s not ideal but we all would really like to leave the UK

It's not ideal. It is a LONG way from ideal. So postpone your flight from the UK until DS has finished his A levels. If your DH can get a well paid job now, he can get one in 2 years time. (less than that, now).

Just tell your DH that you need to wait.

My god - it doesn't even sound as if your Ds would be in a family situation, but lodging in some sort of converted outhouse away from the home. He has told you he wants to come with yo, presumably because he doesn't want to be left like this.

But you are prepared to do it

@ZolaGrey

My god I am so sick of people staying with partners "for the children" it is such a fucking spineless cop out.

Agreed.

Staying with him “for the children” even thought it means abandoning the children. Laughable that she even tries to tell herself that.

@ConflictedMummy I would change your username TBH.

@TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince

Just cannot get over the thought of dumping your kid on an uncle.

In terms of schooling:

He will ‘become a looked after’ child. So top of the safeguarding list. And will be constantly watched.
‘Looked after children’ tend not to have successful academic qualifications. Not al the time, but academic performance is lower
He will not have the considerable support he will need during his A levels.
He will not feel comfortable of safe to express his anxiety.
He will feel rejected.

25 years as a secondary teacher. This sort of situation always causes raised eyebrows at school, and a sort of bewilderment as to why any parent can behave like this.

‘Looked after children’ are one of the saddest things l see at work.

he is 18.

he will not become a looked after child at all.

he is an adult.

While I don't agree with the OP, let's keep to the facts