Should I leave DS with his uncle so he can finish A-Levels here?

[ConflictedMummy]

Hi all. I have a dilemma, DH has found a new job in the middle-east where he’ll receive almost triple the salary he’s receiving now. DS, who’s 18, is currently doing his A-Levels and he will stay with his uncle if we go. The reason we can’t take him is because he has another 2 years of A-Levels and if we take him with us he can’t get student finance to go to uni. We are bringing our 2 DDs but they are still in school

So they’ve been gone for about 2 years and I just got my A-Levels which were BBC. But I can’t help but think I could’ve done better had my mum been here since about 2-3 months before my exams I bunked and entire month of sixth form because I couldn’t handle it anymore. The only reason I went back was because school called and asked my uncle why I wasn’t coming in, etc... Living with my uncle was really really hard and I never felt truly at home there. Not because of them but because the environments were so different and the style of parenting, etc... I never had a father figure in my life ( go figure lol) and I much prefer a woman’s run household as opposed to a mans one, it’s weird but I’m more emotional than most and most men I know in my family are quite emotionally blunt. So yeah home life wasn’t the greatest but I like to think I prevailed. Now I’m in halls and probably staying there over Christmas as I feel settled for once and I don’t really want to take a 9 hour flight just to feel like the second fiddle. I know a lot of people are criticising my mum but she’s the only one who provides for me, literally, and she’s a defacto single mum when it comes to me and I like to think she’s making the best out of a bad situation. Stepdad is a real asshole and I hate him but I don’t say or do anything because I don’t want to ruin the relationship between him and my mum - Ive never even said ‘YOU’RE NOT MY DAD!’ when he tries to tell me what to do or tries to dictate/criticise me. Overall I give my life experience a 7/10 and I wouldn’t really recommend you try it unless you’re crazy or need a really good premise to write a book later in life.

OP. I really hope you can make a good go of things despite all that happening. You sound like youre resilient and are prioritising your education, doing re-sits. I hope your uncle is being supportive, or maybe talk to one of your college tutors that you trust

You sound like a lovely lad - resilient, understanding (incredibly so when your mum has behaved very poorly in some respects) and hard working. You've got great grades there with very little support, you should be proud of yourself.

As someone else said upthread this is a great place for practical advice as well as emotional support - so do keep chatting if you find it helps.

How are you finding halls? Are you enjoying your degree so far? Seriously you should be proud of yourself mate

BBC👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

You’ve done amazing with no support.

Have they already left you OP?

I think BBC is amazing! Well done for going back to school and seeing it through. Be proud of what you’ve achieved

Sorry, didn't realise you'd updated. Well done!

You sound lovely, wishing you much luck xxx

This is the only reverse which hasn't pissed me off. Well done - I hope your life pans out well. You're resilient and imaginative.

OP. I'm the first to admit I was dubious about this thread but I've been where you are and frankly it sucks.

I genuinely hope you are ok.

Bloody hell OP.

I hope your mother manages to come to her senses some how and in hope you have good friends around you.

Well done on your grades OP, I'm so sorry you were treated this way but look what you've achieved. Not only the great grades but managing to do a reverse thread on MN and not upsetting anyone!

I hope you find a way to have a lovely Christmas and have every success with your degree and future happiness.

Aw brilliant that you have made it to university. You are now an adult albeit a young one and the world is your oyster. Best wishes. You write well by the way. What degree are you taking?

You've done so well, how did things work out for your mother and sisters in ME OP?

@ConflictedMummy

It seems ideal for DH to go alone but he would never accept that. To give some background, DS’s father died around the time he was born, and DH came into his life when he was around 4 years old. They never really got along. DDs are DH’s pride and joy you could say and he refuses to leave them back in the UK.

Is this a genuine post or a wind up? Have you looked at what you said with any reflection at all? At what it says about you H, let alone what it means for your son and daughters. Dont go.

Read the updates @Toohardtofindaproperusername

Oops... jaut read update. Sorry. I will read it properly. Sorry you were left to cope alone. Hope you have good and close friends.

Ah, @NotAConflictedMum you should be really proud of yourself. You sound so resilient and capable. I don’t think what your family did was fair at all but your fortitude has been fantastic 🙌🏼🙌🏼

Oh you've done so well in really difficult circumstances at a young age. You should be so proud of yourself.

Your mum has made some poor decisions and I am sorry you have had to deal with a horrible "step-dad".

You sound very mature, level headed and resilient.

Best of luck at uni. I am sure you will do very well in that and be able to forge yourself a better life in the years ahead.

I have a son about your age. I just want to give you a really big hug. Bless you.

I really hope this thread has helped you see that adults overwhelmingly think your step father is a controlling abusive arsehole.

And that so many posters feared for a young person doing A levels having been abandoned by his family.

And that all this vindicated any feelings that anything was ever your fault.

You have done so well to get good passes and get into Uni. Yes, you probably would have done even better had your had a stable home and your Mum’s support and care. But actually ‘better’ isn’t only demonstrated by exam grades, and your achievement, in being so resilient, is top grade.

Haha, maybe your Mum is a Mumsnetter

Good luck to you.

Well done. It sounds as if you did amazingly well despite the lack of support! Your mother was very wrong to leave you.

If your extended family is toxic, it sounds as though she is used to the environment and didn’t see your stepfather for the arsehole he truly is. I’m not excusing her btw. Thank goodness you’ve seen it for what it is.

You sound like a caring and loving ds to have been able to get past her choice so easily. If you need any help processing all of this, I hope the university can provide you with counselling / pastoral care. Don’t be afraid to reach out there or on here.

Speaks volumes, I presumed DS was not your DH's when you said Salary would be triple, but son had to stay in UK for financial reason . Shocking!

Wow I did not see that reverse coming. The thread blew up because it was a poor decision your mum made but as the family is toxic perhaps she didn’t think she had a choice in the matter? Still doesn’t excuse leaving you but could explain it.

Despite enduring your mum leaving, not enjoying your uncle’s household and bunking off for a month you did amazingly well. Credit to you for that. Don’t dwell on the ‘what ifs’ as those results got you to uni. You know you can work hard and get very good results in your degree. You’ll also have learnt resilience which a lot of young people struggle with so use it up your advantage. Best of luck OP I’m sure you’ll succeed in what you choose to do.

OP i hope reading these replies has vindicated your feelings. You're right your mom has behaved poorly but you have done amazingly well! You really should (and I hope you are) proud of yourself, the hardest part of anything is returning to do the right thing which you did when you went back to sixth form.

Please do reach out on here if you ever need to, there are some very knowledgeable people on here who can direct you to places/organisations/books/podcasts that can help. Or if you just need to sound something out, please do feel you can come back.