Should I leave DS with his uncle so he can finish A-Levels here?

[ConflictedMummy]

Hi all. I have a dilemma, DH has found a new job in the middle-east where he’ll receive almost triple the salary he’s receiving now. DS, who’s 18, is currently doing his A-Levels and he will stay with his uncle if we go. The reason we can’t take him is because he has another 2 years of A-Levels and if we take him with us he can’t get student finance to go to uni. We are bringing our 2 DDs but they are still in school

I stayed with my aunt and uncle for about 3 years while my parents and younger brother were abroad. It was fine; I still had all my friends and the other aunts and uncles and both grandmothers. Auntie was an excellent cook, Uncle had a car (1950s). I supposed it helped that my mother came from a close family. I think it was more difficult for Mum than me as my life just carried on as usual.

If your DH didn't get on with your 4 year old son then DH is the problem. Don't abandon your son.

Reading the initial post, I would have said on balance your DS is an adult and if he feels he would be OK and the uncle can be supportive, go for it. But after reading your update, I really feel for your DS, so he knows your DH doesn't like him and now the whole family is fucking off and leaving him. Really think about what that feels like, I can't imagine marrying someone who didn't like my child. Also what happens if you want to come back and bring your DDs, your DH is going to give you permission, what if he refuses? He sounds pretty selfish, if he can't live there by himself for 2 years without his family but expects your son to be fine with it.

I'd be incredibly reluctant to leave your DS in this situation, more so because he doesn't want to be here by himself.

What would really worry me is that you may struggle to return to the UK with your DDs without your DH's permission and you end up trapped over there, away from your DS. I'd look very very carefully into this from a legal point of view.

Your DH may say now that you could leave with DDs if you wanted to or you'll all leave as a family after 3 years etc etc but what if he is offered another "unmissable" career opportunity? He may never want to come back to the UK, you could be miserable with no job, freedoms hugely curtailed (as a woman) and you'd be stuck there with none of your own money and a very different legal system to the UK to deal with. It's a very vulnerable position to put yourself in even without your DS in the mix.

The hierarchy in your family seems to be
DH
Money
The Dds
You
Your son.

My ILs left 17 yo SIL when they went back to live in their home country.
DH was supposed to look after her / keep an eye on her.
Major disaster.
She felt bereft and abandoned, still does.
Started drink and relationship habits that have lasted her whole life.

I know 17 and 18 yos live independently, but the important thing is whether it is their choice and for their benefit.

This seem to be against his choice, and to no benefit to him.

Really shocking that he wants to come with you but you have said no due to money.

This has really got to me, sorry if it seems harsh and over-invested. My Ds is just a little older. I can't imagine leaving him during all his Uni applications, etc. His transitions. They may be adults but they are still young.

If he is happy with the plan and gets on with his uncle then it should be fine. At 18 he is an adult who can make decisions for himself.

DH came into his life when he was around 4 years old. They never really got along.

Having read that I'd be even more determined that going would be the wrong thing to do. You'd leave your son with his uncle and go off to liv abroad with your DH who your son doesn't get on with. Who is more important, your son or your husband?

What do your daughters really want to do?

Is resitting and then university really the best option for him or is there another route of future employment that would suit him better?

My DH wouldn’t accept that

You are an adult and do not have to accept your DHs views at the expense of your own. What do YOU want to do? Do you want to go to the Middle East? Do you want to take your DDs to the middle east? Do you want to leave your teenage son behind in the UK? Sod your DH what do you want?

I’m concerned that you feel you have to go because your DH says you do. You absolutely do not.

This is just madness. It’s clear your DS is already struggling and is having to resit exams, which is hard enough anyway, without being abandoned-make no mistake, this is what you will be doing. If you can live with that and the impact on your relationship forever then by all means go. Don’t make excuses though about money... he’s being abandoned and you’re all moving on.😢

@ConflictedMummy

It seems ideal for DH to go alone but he would never accept that. To give some background, DS’s father died around the time he was born, and DH came into his life when he was around 4 years old. They never really got along. DDs are DH’s pride and joy you could say and he refuses to leave them back in the UK.

Seriously? Poor DS, he's already failed once and now he's an afterthought to the cash...

Why did you stay with someone who doesn’t get on with your son even from 4 years old

I hope this isn’t real.

@BawJaws

My parents did this to me and my brother and we still resent them for it.

Yes we were 18 and yes had just started uni but they basically fucked off and left us to it

You need to stay with him and send your husband alone

Same. It sucked!

Your poor son

No, you don’t abandon your son and move your daughters to the Middle East because your selfish twat of a husband says so

This is so heartbreaking that I really hope it’s not real. Your poor son, it must feel like he is an outsider in your ‘D’H’s perfect little family unit.

Put your DS first. Your husband does not sound like a decent man and your son deserves better than you are currently offering.

Your poor son. It sounds like he’s been second fiddle his whole life.

My good friend had this happen to her - she was left behind at 18 to go to uni alone while her parents emigrated. It’s really had a lasting impact, she still isn’t over it now, and their relationship will never be what it could have been.

No way would I take my DDs to a country with the women's rights record the UAE has.

If you or your DDs are raped - even gang raped, and you report it, it's YOU who will be in trouble with the law for having sex outside marriage. How could you consider taking your DD's to a country like that?

Please, read this article and do some research, it's not a safe place for a woman.

If you're shocked by a woman being arrested after reporting gang-rape in Dubai, you should know how common these cases are

Incidences like this are not uncommon in the glitzy Gulf, which wants you to think it's more liberal than it is. South African national Roxanne Hillier was jailed for seven months after it was alleged she spent time alone with her male employer – even after medical reports showed they hadn't had sex

www.independent.co.uk/voices/dubai-woman-arrested-gang-rape-uae-sex-crime-local-laws-know-how-common-it-a7422336.html

Also, if you split with your DH, you're fucked. He'll hold all the cards, and nothing you can do about it.

@unmarkedbythat

Put your DS first. Your husband does not sound like a decent man and your son deserves better than you are currently offering.

^ This.

My parents emigrated and left me behind, it's shit.

Before your update about a grown man not getting on with a 4 year old, and still dont, I would have said if everyone is happy for it then go. I know a few people who have had similar childhoods.

But that changes the dynamic. I dont want to make assumptions but I would bet money on your teen feeling left out, whilst his mum, step dad and siblings lived a great life. Not a chance I would do it.

@ConflictedMummy

It seems ideal for DH to go alone but he would never accept that. To give some background, DS’s father died around the time he was born, and DH came into his life when he was around 4 years old. They never really got along. DDs are DH’s pride and joy you could say and he refuses to leave them back in the UK.

This feels like all the more reason for the 4 of you not to up sticks and leave your DS at his time of need.

If your DH wouldn't leave his DDs how can he expect you to leave your DS?

Equally even without the history, it can have damaging effects on children, feeling abandoned etc. Is it worth it?

I agree with everyone else that you shouldn't do it. I know replies on MN can be harsh but at least you know what everyone around you will be thinking.