Should I leave DS with his uncle so he can finish A-Levels here?

[ConflictedMummy]

Hi all. I have a dilemma, DH has found a new job in the middle-east where he’ll receive almost triple the salary he’s receiving now. DS, who’s 18, is currently doing his A-Levels and he will stay with his uncle if we go. The reason we can’t take him is because he has another 2 years of A-Levels and if we take him with us he can’t get student finance to go to uni. We are bringing our 2 DDs but they are still in school

My Dad went out to the middle East for work for nearly 14 years. Mum stayed behind with my younger siblings (at the time: 17F, 15M, 13M, 6F). He missed us all incredibly much yes, and it was hard for Mum also, but she didn't want to mess around with my siblings' education, so the choice was made to stay.

She says that if she hadn't had my youngest sister, she might have gone with my two brothers. Other DSis would have stayed with friends for her A-levels (they were happy to do so). I was at uni, and already flying solo. But she never would want to raise a young girl there. Even in an ex-pat community and international school.

Dad is back home now and retired. His and Mum's marriage is as strong as ever. We're all still as close as we were before he left.

So no, you shouldn't leave your DS behind.

Good lord, given your update there is no way I would be going. Htf can you ‘not get on’ with a four year old whose dad has died?

I think you made a mistake in marrying a man your child doesn’t get along with.

Have you thought the impact this may have on your younger children too?

Hi all. Thanks for all your replies and for showing so much insight. So to update DH and DS got along at first and somewhere down the road they started having constant arguments and fights, I have to stay with him for the sake of all my kids and I guess it’s my burden to bear. On the topic of money, which was reflected heavily on in this thread, it would cost 60,000 over 3 years to send DS to his chosen uni, if he comes with and I’m not sure if we’ll be able to cover this. He’s currently at a very good school and I don’t want him to leave it, and he’ll get his own little space for hisself with his uncle, away from their house but a 30 second walk. It’s not ideal but we all would really like to leave the UK

Does DS want to leave the UK? I'd give him the choice - uncles house or come with us. If the salary is that awesome it can cover the extra fees. If it can't cover the extra fees it isn't worth taking the job.

After your update definitely do not leave your DS in UK to go with your husband. In normal circumstances I would have said you can commit to him coming to you every holiday as you will be having more income but not during Covid.

I have just returned from 7.5 years in Dubai and no issue for women there

I have to stay with him for the sake of all my kids

No you don't.

I guess it’s my burden to bear

And your sons.

It’s not ideal but we all would really like to leave the UK

And leave your son behind?

I feel sorry for DS and your DH sounds controlling.

I would not take young girls to the Middle East.

I am astounded by the comments about the girls being his pride & joy & your DS not getting along with him

I think what you are proposing is really mean.

@ConflictedMummy

Hi all. Thanks for all your replies and for showing so much insight. So to update DH and DS got along at first and somewhere down the road they started having constant arguments and fights, I have to stay with him for the sake of all my kids and I guess it’s my burden to bear. On the topic of money, which was reflected heavily on in this thread, it would cost 60,000 over 3 years to send DS to his chosen uni, if he comes with and I’m not sure if we’ll be able to cover this. He’s currently at a very good school and I don’t want him to leave it, and he’ll get his own little space for hisself with his uncle, away from their house but a 30 second walk. It’s not ideal but we all would really like to leave the UK

you need to go and read my previous post again.

If ds comes with, he will not have to pay international student fees.

I work with families doing this all the time, as long as you intend to return to the Uk, have links there, and the contract is fixed term, eg 2 years and then renewable, then he classifies as a UK student

You need to stay with your son, wait until he’s finished A levels and then you either all go or none of you go. No way would I leave my child (who has already lost his father) in the uk when you all go off to another country.

Your poor son.

I have to stay with him for the sake of all my kids and I guess it’s my burden to bear

No- it's your son's burden.

It sounds like you've made up your mind- you won't take him with you and you won't stay in the UK while your husband works abroad until your son is at university.

I'd be very surprised if you still have a relationship with the poor kid in a couple of years.

You've already decided that your husband is more important than you child. Well done op, good luck abroad and I just hope your son has the sense to move on with his life with the help of his uncle, and hopefully tells you where to go if you try to bring him back into the fold in future when your marriage goes tits up and you realise your mistakes.

@ConflictedMummy

Hi all. Thanks for all your replies and for showing so much insight. So to update DH and DS got along at first and somewhere down the road they started having constant arguments and fights, I have to stay with him for the sake of all my kids and I guess it’s my burden to bear. On the topic of money, which was reflected heavily on in this thread, it would cost 60,000 over 3 years to send DS to his chosen uni, if he comes with and I’m not sure if we’ll be able to cover this. He’s currently at a very good school and I don’t want him to leave it, and he’ll get his own little space for hisself with his uncle, away from their house but a 30 second walk. It’s not ideal but we all would really like to leave the UK

This is the single most repulsive thing I’ve read on here in a while. You’re abandoning your child for the sake of your douchebag husband, good luck having any relationship with your son after this.

“I guess it’s my burden to bear” FFS woman how deluded are you?!? You’re chucking this burden on your CHILD. You’re not bearing any burden, you’re being spineless and failing to be a mother. You’re literally choosing money and a shit stepfather over your child.

There are no words, it sounds like you’ve made your selfish decision. Honestly you should look in the mirror. Enjoy your next few days with your child, if he has any sense you won’t be seeing much of him in the future.

The single most selfish and deluded post.

@ConflictedMummy

Hi all. Thanks for all your replies and for showing so much insight. So to update DH and DS got along at first and somewhere down the road they started having constant arguments and fights, I have to stay with him for the sake of all my kids and I guess it’s my burden to bear. On the topic of money, which was reflected heavily on in this thread, it would cost 60,000 over 3 years to send DS to his chosen uni, if he comes with and I’m not sure if we’ll be able to cover this. He’s currently at a very good school and I don’t want him to leave it, and he’ll get his own little space for hisself with his uncle, away from their house but a 30 second walk. It’s not ideal but we all would really like to leave the UK

You've already made your mind up and are merely seeking validation here. for ds

Shocked by your attitude OP, so blatantly prioritising your “D”H and daughters over your poor son. Don’t be surprised if this decision damages your relationship with him for good.

Well as far as mothers go OP, you won't be winning awards. Enjoy your new life, hopefully your DS will realise he's better off without you.

@chopc

After your update definitely do not leave your DS in UK to go with your husband. In normal circumstances I would have said you can commit to him coming to you every holiday as you will be having more income but not during Covid.

I have just returned from 7.5 years in Dubai and no issue for women there

no issue for women there

Apart from if you’re raped for example. Make sure you’ve got 3 firm witnesses or end up in prison if you report it. Basically don’t report rape or any kind of sexual assault. But no, no issue for women there at all.

Speaking as someone of Indian origin working away is encouraged and something almost all of my Indian friends and family have done with one big proviso - if one of the kids has a big exam all the kids and the parent the overseas employer doesn’t want stay at home. Leaving him with an uncle is unacceptable.

I feel sorry for OPs DDs being told they are emigrating to a country with poor rights for women and girls, and I feel sorry for OPs DS who is being left behind and left out because his step-father favours his daughters so much over a supposed difficult step-son. This family is toxic.

Your husband does not get to decide if the two younger DC go to the Middle East, as they are resident here, and it would need your consent for them to go. So you can actually say no. Once you are resident overseas, I think you might find you cannot bring them home, though. That would be my concern about moving with my DC overseas if I was married.

However, as many others have said, you are planning to move overseas with your husband and two DD and leave your son behind, at your husband’s behest. I am not sure that is resolvable. It is just an awful thing to do and your husband to expect you to do.

That said, a lot depends on the uncle. I wonder if DS would have more stability and less conflict in his life if your DH were out the way. Still does not solve the problem of what happens to the DD if things don’t work out in the Middle East and you want to come home and your husband does not.

it would cost 60,000 over 3 years to send DS to his chosen uni, if he comes with

Is that what DH told you? to get rid of DS.?

As a British citizen raised and educated in UK DS would NOT be paying overseas student course fees etc,

Secondly;  talk of "his chosen university " is way way off the mark for a boy who flunked  A levels  and has  had to restart the entire two years course.  There's no guarantee he will pass next time,  at  the grades required  by that university. Especially if he's coping with a family disruption,  missing his mum, and staying behind against his wishes.

He's at a  *very good school"  that's going to keep him on till age 20, to take a levels all over again? Really?   

  This whole saga just does not hang together.

It’s not ideal but we all would really like to leave the UK

When you say 'all', who do you mean?

I'd love to leave the UK but it'd mean leaving 2 of my adult children behind so there is no way I'd do it. Being here for them means much more to me than leaving the country.

it would cost 60,000 over 3 years to send DS to his chosen uni, if he comes with. Is that what DH told you? to get rid of DS.?

I think OP is right on that at least - 9k of fees, then rent to live somewhere and living expenses. My DD's student debt from university is not far short of 60k for a UK resident.

Why on earth did you stay with someone who never got along with your child? Just ugh.

That’s just about fucked him up for life.