When does life return?

[Sillymummies123]

Please - no unnecessary BS about how ‘life will never be about you again’. I fully believe that children benefit from a parent who has their own life and for whom the child is not their whole world.

On that note - my baby is now 13 months old (was also born 3 months early so we’ve had 16 months of useless, miserable baby time). I was perusing an article between 6am and 6:05am before he started whining to be woken up. The article was about the joys of autumn and it mentioned snuggling under a blanket, long walks and hot chocolate, and I just burst into tears because I don’t see a way for my life to have things like that - relaxation, time for me, a period not spent trying to stop a crawling baby from destroying the house, screaming, just demanding all of me, and being in no way myself anymore. I want a life, and if this was all life had to offer from now I genuinely wonder whether I would even want to bother anymore. I’m not maternally minded, and in fact I can’t really say that, while I love my baby, I have enjoyed ANY of the time we have spent together. As in, I find it draining and boring.

So - the question is: When is life pleasurable again? This will likely correlate with when my child can do his own thing a bit more, and I don’t wake up dreading a day of miserable whining and exhausting placating. When going to a food market, or a woodland walk, or watching a movie under a blanket on a frosty afternoon can resume without the child raising bloody hell.
Thanks

I think you might benefit from talking to your HV or GP about PND if you're not finding life pleasurable at all, to be honest with you.

For me, it started getting easier from around 3.5, 4. Some people love the baby phase. I am not one of those people. Life will always be somewhat different but the high dependency and utter exhaustion fades.

But saying all that, do you feel depressed? Not finding any joy in anything seems a little more extreme. I hated elements of it, but I also loved elements of it. Maybe chat to the health visitor if you are struggling. The other thing I would say is 3 months premature is no walk in the park and must have been incredibly stressful. Setting you on a different path to perhaps the one you had planned? Anyway that’s my two pennies worth.

I agree I think you should speak to your GP if you are struggling.
Have you got any extended family support.
I guess covid hasn't helped due to. Places being shut.

When my youngest was 3. He's nearly 7 now and life is so much easier.

Sorry you're feeling like this OP. What's the situation re childcare? Could your DC go to nursery/family on certain days to give you some space?

I have a 13 month old too so I totally get where you're coming from. The thing that has saved me is, like a PP said, childcare. DS goes to nursery three days a week while I work/study and those hours are such a welcome break and I feel like 'me' for a while

With my first DC I went back to work full time when she was 9 months and felt like me again. Having adult conversations, going for drinks after work (occasionally!) etc helped me feel normal again.

Of course I missed her terribly but it made our time together more special.

Have you got a supportive partner? Or family member? Can you schedule in some time just for you to do something you'll enjoy even if just an hour or two?

With DC2 I'm in no rush to go back to work even though childcare is boring and monotonous. I know once he's at nursery I'll get my life back again so trying to enjoy our time together. I know it's a cliche but it does go so quickly.

Hi all,

I’ve been depressed before, but I’m not depressed now. I work a difficult job, which I like, and he’s in childcare when I there, so I can’t really do childcare in addition. Aside from that, I want a life WITH my child. It’s a bit demoralising spending every single day doing something you don’t want to do. I think for some people it’s very normal to find picking up coloured toys and putting them down all the while trying to teach a baby to speak, stand, eat ALL DAY EVERY DAY miserable. I think I value my own wellbeing and life too highly to be genuinely excited about my life. I want to travel, go to the theatre, take long walks, write, just actually have fun. Every day feels like work at the moment.

As others have said - I’m also hoping that I’m just not a baby person. I know what 8 year olds and teens are like (I teach) and I think I’ll enjoy that. But 8 years is a hell of a long time to not enjoy life

I think it’s more of a gradual thing but I agree 3.5 was a massive change for us. But they are all different too. Our first child was extremely demanding, wanted constant attention, wouldn’t allow me to do much of anything whereas our second child is more easy going, no idea whether this is personality or the extra stimulation of having an exciting older sibling around.

Our first was a non sleeper till around 3 too so that didn’t help. If they sleep well enough that you’re not completely exhausted you get a couple of hours in the evening to feel more like yourself. I had to use that time to sleep so it took a long time. I found the second year enormously easier than the first.

If you need a break have you tried having some TV time? Put on little baby bum and try not to thing about all the lectures about the evils of screen time for babies. Buy some of the more horrific plasticky noisy toys. Some kids will bash at them for ages. I used to get long enough to sit down and have a cup of tea by turning on the sound on one of the plastic walker things. I mean I now have ‘welcome to our learning farm’ branded into my brain but my child absolutely loved that thing.

Parenting changes so much over time there are so many different phases hang in there and hopefully better times will be along soon. Definitely chat to your health visitor too. There is support out there even if it is very different right now.

OP presumably your child is asleep by 7 or 8 in the evenings? I would suggest planning some things then to look forward to like a nice film, book or dinner with a friend.

He is sadly very resistant to TV - a seconds glance, and then on with what he is doing. Even In the Night Garden only earns a few seconds’ reprieve.

Yeah. He actually sleeps really well (for which I am grateful - I think PND would definitely have set in if not). I do get free time from 7-8 onward but honestly, what can you really do sitting in your lounge for the 1000th time?

I think this all stems from him being my first. I have no prior experience with babies and therefore (if it really does get better) I have no evidence that it will improve. Hence I’m asking - when is this hell over. 3 seems to be the common theme, but better every day.

I want - child wakes up at weekend, maybe comes in for a cuddle but has learned to pour own muesli to give us time to lie in. Can dress himself, come along for walks, chat, run, laugh. Have dinner with family. He eats, joins in, maybe a nice activity somewhere that we can all enjoy for the afternoon.

Mine is two and I found there was a big leap forward in how enjoyable life was when he was just over one, and then again when he started talking. He can still be very hard work, of course, but we can go to a café, go for a reasonable walk (if you accept stopping to look at things constantly and also taking the buggy because he won't last the whole way), we can watch a (carefully chosen for a children's animated film I won't hate, e.g. Shrek) film. But I do think a lot of the things you're listing are things you won't be able to do with him for a long time (theatre, being able to sit and write) and for me a major source of fun is adult socialisation, which is always better child-free. So I think the other thing that improved around the stage you're at now is that we both felt much more able to go out and do our own thing more often and that helps enormously. I know you say you want to have fun with him but I think that's much easier to do if you're also having time for the sort of fun you had before him, which is unlikely to be child-friendly.

Mine is 21 months and honestly life is much easier. It improved massively once he could walk properly. The world is less tempting for him to eat now he's up off the ground. He can run, laugh,make jokes, chat (about what he wants), play at the park, ride a pony. We are currently sat on the sofa watching noddy on milkshake with a bowl of chopped grapes, juice and tea. He hated tv at 13 months but will now manage 1/2 hour with some snack in the morning.
It's exhausting but every day older he gets he gets a bit more fun. Talking a walking were the main milestones. As for long walks, a backpack carrier is your friend at this age. Don't want xpect toddler walks to be much about actual walking.

I want - child wakes up at weekend, maybe comes in for a cuddle but has learned to pour own muesli to give us time to lie in. Can dress himself, come along for walks, chat, run, laugh. Have dinner with family. He eats, joins in, maybe a nice activity somewhere that we can all enjoy for the afternoon.

The fact that you've chosen a scenario that is so clearly years away - and you must know that - and also which is so idealised itself makes me think, like pp, that you may be a bit depressed, even if you think you're not? I think if you really feel like there's no joy in life it is always time to talk to someone, even if it feels rational to you that you feel so miserable as that can be the depression talking.

I also notice that you mention 'us' but otherwise your partner goes unmentioned - can you not share things so that you both get lie-ins and adult time without using childcare?

Are you not with dc dad op? Can you not go out in evenings to gym or a class? Do something for yourself?

Parenting is boring op although life is generally “different” for us all at the moment regardless of D.C. age

I think as others have said it would be worth talking to a gp or hv or anyone you feel close to. It'll be a while before your child can do the things you wrote about. But I found once my dd could walk, that opened a lot of doors as to what we could do - woods, playgrounds etc were more fun. Could you take up a hobby in the evenings that is just time for you? Obviously we're all a bit limited at the moment but maybe there's something you could do

PND doesn't just set in, it's a chemical imbalance. I think you need to speak to your GP. I know everyone's idea of motherhood is different, I struggle greatly at times, but some of language about your baby is off.

I felt very much like this when DS was about 13 months old. In my experience it got a bit easier around 18 months when he started being able to communicate and he's definitely easier again at (just turned) 2

I'm a tad confused, OP. Hot chocolate and snuggly blankets you can certainly do now if he's in bed from 7:30. And you can do walks with hin- either take the pram or strap him to you. I have a friend who takes her newborn hiking with her. The earlier you get them into it the better they do. The theatre isn't really an option nowadays anyway, is it?

I want to travel, go to the theatre, take long walks, write

Not really compatible with A baby.

I want - child wakes up at weekend, maybe comes in for a cuddle but has learned to pour own muesli to give us time to lie in. Can dress himself, come along for walks, chat, run, laugh. Have dinner with family. He eats, joins in, maybe a nice activity somewhere that we can all enjoy for the afternoon.

About age 4+. But for leaving them to get their own breakfast so you can have a lie in - 6-7+ probably.

As for when I got a bit of life back, about age 2. But then coronavirus hit and I was pregnant so it's kind of gone again. Expecting baby 2 and day now so headed right back to the start!

Yon the tv thing - try everything baby Einstein videos . At that young age they kept my dcs transfixed and I could finish s got drink.
I found that age from about 14 months until 2.5/3 the absolute hardest with all of mine.
I have felt very sorry for parents of that age group in lockdown with no access to play areas, cafes and playgroups or swimming and have often been grateful to be dealing with teen problems and homework instead.
The other stuff you mention (theatre etc) sounds more like lockdown fatigue. So many ‘fun’ activities are bit available to us at the moment because of covid restrictions,
Which as autumn/winter loom starts to become more of an issue.

@ShesMadeATwatOfMePam

I want to travel, go to the theatre, take long walks, write

Not really compatible with A baby.

Well, travel and theatre are kind of out now anyway due to COVID. If COVID wasn't an issue you can travel and theatre with kids. Get a babysitter for the theatre. As for travel, how long it takes to return to your idea of what travel should entail depends on what you're wanting to do when you travel because stamina can be an issue. You can get back to beach holidays much faster than you can get back to walking the Great Wall of China (though you could possibly do that if they're happy to be put in a carrier for longer periods of time). Writing can be done in the evenings.

It’s shit isn’t it? You’re in the IMO worse part now, whingey, no attention span, needs constant supervision....
19 months things got slightly better, then around every 6 months you could notice another Improvement.
By 3 they have better focus and actually start enjoying things.

You should drop your expectations for now and just try to go with it.

My DD is 4 now she loves EVERYTHING! Walks, parks, bugs, trees, films, dancing, talking, the sky etc It’s a lovely age. You’ll get there!