When does life return?

[Sillymummies123]

Please - no unnecessary BS about how ‘life will never be about you again’. I fully believe that children benefit from a parent who has their own life and for whom the child is not their whole world.

On that note - my baby is now 13 months old (was also born 3 months early so we’ve had 16 months of useless, miserable baby time). I was perusing an article between 6am and 6:05am before he started whining to be woken up. The article was about the joys of autumn and it mentioned snuggling under a blanket, long walks and hot chocolate, and I just burst into tears because I don’t see a way for my life to have things like that - relaxation, time for me, a period not spent trying to stop a crawling baby from destroying the house, screaming, just demanding all of me, and being in no way myself anymore. I want a life, and if this was all life had to offer from now I genuinely wonder whether I would even want to bother anymore. I’m not maternally minded, and in fact I can’t really say that, while I love my baby, I have enjoyed ANY of the time we have spent together. As in, I find it draining and boring.

So - the question is: When is life pleasurable again? This will likely correlate with when my child can do his own thing a bit more, and I don’t wake up dreading a day of miserable whining and exhausting placating. When going to a food market, or a woodland walk, or watching a movie under a blanket on a frosty afternoon can resume without the child raising bloody hell.
Thanks

What about returning to work?

I'm going to zoom in on one single aspect- the woodland walks, since that sounds like something that really means a lot to you (did to me too).

Do you have a good carrier backpack? Something where he can sit high up and see the world? Can you make it an exciting game hoisting him up in it?

Do you have to time your walks around sleeps- have you tried just letting him fall asleep while you're walking?

Do you have to time it around feeds: could you sit down on a log and feed him?

When mine were this age, we did spend a lot of time out of doors and I think my mood would have been seriously affected if we hadn't. We took jars of food, I breastfed en route if needed, we had a plastic-but-comfortable sheet which folded up small that we always took so we could put them down and change nappies on the ground if needed. I don't know how much they needed those walks- but I did!

@Sarahpaula

While I do have empathy for you. I also have empathy for the child.

I am starting to get really sick of seeing threads saying "I regret having children". Yes it is hard for you, but it is also really hard for the child.

I had a mother who regretted having two children, and she made our lives hell. For eighteen years myself and my brother were the brunt of my mother's anger and rage. My life has been hell. I have attempted suicide twice. My brother was comitted to a psychiatric hospital and also attempted suicide.

Having a mother shout and scream at you and insult you for 18 years is sheer hell. It is torture while it is happening, and my mind is still broken now at 36. I have never, ever been happy in my life.

I know too many mothers who were like my mother. I have seen many mothers shout at their children and call them little shits, cretins, devils spawn, and be horrendously cruel to them.

My question is this: why don't more women put thought into if they want a child or not. There are so many threads on here saying I regret having children, but none are focused on how that child feels, how their life is probably awful.

Why don't women THINK before they have child, instead of having a child and then treating the child like shit. There is abortion , there is adoption.
I am 36 and I have put a lot of thought into it and I have decided to not have children.

Please, women on here - put more thought into whether you want children or not

I’m sorry to hear about your experiences, this sounds very hard. But I just wanted to stick up for the women posting this kind of thread. In my experience; they’re probably not shouting and raging at their kids. They’re probably very loving mothers, but because society expects you to love every moment of motherhood, it’s very hard to express these kind of thoughts in real life- impossible I would say. I found a lot of solace on mumsnet in the early days, being able to share what were some of my darkest thoughts and feelings. None of these thoughts ever translated into how I treated my child, and in fact, sharing them has really helped my recovery from PND and to become the mum that I wanted to be. I appreciated that some of the threads might seem upsetting, especially if you have experienced trauma, but mothers really really need a space to speak frankly- and if you can’t do it anonymously online, where can you?

Know that you are in a really hard stage at 13 months. I remember hitting my limit at that point and having quite a few emotional outbursts of feeling like my life was over. It was a really tough age because they can’t walk much, can’t talk really and often the sleep is still bad. They demand so much of you during the day times and it’s repetitive, dull but absolutely exhausting. However. You will get through it. Things that helped me:

We bought a rucksack carrier - she loved being high up on our backs being able to see the world while we all went out on a walk. We’d walk somewhere where we could pick up a coffee to carry or we’d take our own from home in a thermos.

Aimed to do one meal out of the house a day. It felt like a break from the relentless house work / cleaning the high chair. She would often wake up v early so night before I would sometimes pack a “breakfast picnic” - as soon as she was up we’d head out the door and eat our picnic by a canal on a bench or something. Look at the ducks. Poke about with sticks. Or we’d go out for the afternoon and I’d pack picnic tea. It broke up the monotony of cooking / cleaning at home. And by the time you get back you’ve passed a good chunk of the day!

When the whining is at its worst, just get out of the house. Anywhere. Even if you just pop in pram and walk half a mile in local area. It helps. Don’t plan too much, just get outside.

I like cooking and when at home playing, I’d keep my cookbooks to hand and i’d flip through them reading them in short chunks whilst playing with her. a page here and there. I had to accept I couldn’t sit and read a long time alone anymore, I had to grab what I could when I could. That helped.

I used to take a bath myself when I needed one - I would bring her in the bathroom with toys and she would often play long enough for me to have a quick soak with me singing to her, or we would have a bath together.

See other people as much as possible (I get this isn’t as doable in covid times).

She’s nearly two now and life feels easier. Still really tough at times but I try and take the small positives of each day where I can and accept that I am just in a “season” of life that will pass.

Ps Make decluttering a priority! I remember one day putting her in nursery for a one off extra day and using that time to absolutely gut the house - threw out anything that a) wasn’t useful b) made my life harder by taking up useful space c) I didn’t need anymore - I was ruthless. My house is small too but now I try and keep the bare minimum of stuff in it to make my life easier.

@Sarahpaula

While I do have empathy for you. I also have empathy for the child.

I am starting to get really sick of seeing threads saying "I regret having children". Yes it is hard for you, but it is also really hard for the child.

I had a mother who regretted having two children, and she made our lives hell. For eighteen years myself and my brother were the brunt of my mother's anger and rage. My life has been hell. I have attempted suicide twice. My brother was comitted to a psychiatric hospital and also attempted suicide.

Having a mother shout and scream at you and insult you for 18 years is sheer hell. It is torture while it is happening, and my mind is still broken now at 36. I have never, ever been happy in my life.

I know too many mothers who were like my mother. I have seen many mothers shout at their children and call them little shits, cretins, devils spawn, and be horrendously cruel to them.

My question is this: why don't more women put thought into if they want a child or not. There are so many threads on here saying I regret having children, but none are focused on how that child feels, how their life is probably awful.

Why don't women THINK before they have child, instead of having a child and then treating the child like shit. There is abortion , there is adoption.
I am 36 and I have put a lot of thought into it and I have decided to not have children.

Please, women on here - put more thought into whether you want children or not

Sorry for your experience but this is not the case for many of us. I have never raged at my son but I have found it hard.

The problem with you saying women should think about whether we want kids...well yeh we do but we have no fucking idea what it's really going to be like, do we? And generally most people do not talk about the shitty parts or how hard it really is. I remember thinking I'd been lied to. Do you have children yourself? If not, you have no clue how you will feel...

And generally most people do not talk about the shitty parts or how hard it really is.

Exactly, which is why it is so important that women are able to start these sorts of threads IMO.

I think your son sounds like quite a tricky baby - some of them are definitely easier to please than others. I have a toddler and when other mums talk of watching a film with their toddler, I just can't imagine how! How do they sit through it!? So acknowledge that your child is perhaps a bit more demanding. It is tough and can be boring. A day stuck in the house makes me feel so bored and depressed. I agree with others that the answer is just getting out. If he naps, take a book/ your phone and sit in a coffee shop. Have lunch in a child friendly place or supermarket cafe. Potter round the shops. Just keep busy and don't stress about meltdowns. Happens to us all. It does get easier although you won't get your carefree, independent life back for years. You will adapt though. I agree your issue probably isn't depression - it's circumstantial. Instead of having kids TV on, put your own stuff on in the background (programmes like This Morning are designed for mums at home so everyone is doing it!) Even if that's not your thing, put on something you like/ radio/ audio book so your aren't mind-numbingly bored. Plan a coffee with another mum - it's much better coping with kids if you are with another parent and getting some adult chat. Try to add stuff into your day that you enjoy with your child in background.

"And generally most people do not talk about the shitty parts or how hard it really is".

They do! All my life people have been telling me how hard it is to have a child.

My aunty said to me every year that the summer holidays were too long, because it was the only break she got from her brats.

When this lockdown happened , my male colleague said to me "oh no, the creches are closing, it is the only break that I get from the fucking child".

I just think that people need to put more thought into having a child.

All these threads on here are about how hard it is to be a mother. No one is talking about how hard it is for that child, when the mother regrets having him. It is sheer hell for the child. Please think more about the child.

Think more about the child at every stage:
Before - do I really want children?
After - is my behaviour hurting my child.

Thnak you

How do people not know that it is hard to have children? All my life, both men and women, have told me how hard it is to have children.

I also instinctively know that raising a small human for 24 hours a day, would be hard. I don't think that anyone can say that they did not know.

Again I have empathy for you too Op, I hope that you feel better. These discussions online are important

I often feel like I am still waiting and mine are both older (7 and 10). Its constant but it gets easier because in time you give up on the thought of going back to your old life so you stop expecting time to yourself, headspace and so on and you just get on with it.

Please go and get some help from your GP, you really should be feeling better than this and you may have undiagnosed PND. And it does get better, too - this is such a demanding age, when their awareness of what they'd like to do outweighs their ability so lots of tantrums, and you're not able to offload much with toddler groups at the moment. Can you see if there are any zoom groups in your area at least? It's a very hard time to be a new parent

@Sarahpaula

How do people not know that it is hard to have children? All my life, both men and women, have told me how hard it is to have children.

I also instinctively know that raising a small human for 24 hours a day, would be hard. I don't think that anyone can say that they did not know.

Again I have empathy for you too Op, I hope that you feel better. These discussions online are important

Ah, so you don't have children. So the thing is, yes, people have a stock "it's hard" answers but absolutely no specifics and unless you actually physically do it I don't think any one has even the smallest iota of what "hard" means. Youve heard it from colleagues, friends and family but what do you think it actually means?

I know I didn't and as this thread proves, many others are the same.

I did ask "do I really want children" I decided I did but that doesn't negate the feelings when you actually have a child. But also, because you have experienced abuse you are automatically thinking we must be hurting our child in some way. It's not correct for you to do that. My son has never been at the receiving end of any negative thoughts I've had. We can come in here and moan but that doesn't mean we are abusing our children.

Have you had any therapy of sorts for your own issues @Sarahpaula?

@Horehound yes I went to therapy, and my therapist burst out crying at what I have been through, she cried really hard listening to what I had gone through, while I was sitting there.

I was comforting her, so I didn't go again.

Well, if these threads are good for one thing: it is women being honest about how hard having children is.

@Sarahpaula I think you should try a new place. You seem to have a dislike for women but we are not your mother.

Hated the baby stage. Tolerated the pre school stage. Being a mum became fun and enjoyable from 5 years onward. Absofuckinglutely love 8 years plus.

@Horehound guess what, you don't control this forum.

I am not just talking about my own mother.

In the last few months I have heard from people in real life about:

1. A mother refusing to call her son by his real name. She calls him "cretin". I asked why, and the woman who told me about it said "because she doesn't like him".
2. A man told me that his mother called his sister, "devil's spawn" and kicked her around the place.
3. A man told me during lockdown, that he was so upset about lockdown because "the creche was the only break he got from the fucking child".

I have seen so many mothers in shops scream at their children. I saw a mother calling her daughter "an ugly fat lump". Her daughter was about ten.

THINK before you have children. Before you make that child's life a misery.

I don't buy the excuse that you don't know how hard it is. think about it before you do it , for gods sake.

It does seem like Mumsnet is rather triggering for you, Sarah.

@Sarahpaula I think you've misunderstood me. I meant try a new councelling place.

And all those horrible people you know, seems like you need to change your social circle too. It's not normal.

You're very hostile and scathing to people you don't know and have no idea about. You're judging then based on your own experiences and as people have tried to say, it's not like your examples at all. You still can't wrap your head around the fact people are actually within their right to feel raising children is hard. That doesn't mean we take it out on children just because you know lots of horrible people that do. Ffs.

I did a bungee jump a few years ago, I knew it would be scary, I had read other experiences, looked at the worst possible outcomes and had an idea in my head what it would be like, and made the calculated risk/choice to go ahead and do it. It wasn't actually anything like I thought it would be, and even though I think back to how people described it and see elements I am like yeah I see where you are coming from; none of them fully prepare or explain what it is actually like, that can only happen when doing it. Same with parenting really. You can read every book, speak to thousands of people, check your finances and make plans, look into the logistics, try and imagine what a day might look like and come to terms with the fact you won't have free time as you do now; but none of that fully prepares you, and it will be different for everyone.

Of course some people do rush in with zero thought, either through choice or accidental pregnancy and although their are options, the decision is no longer based on an abstract 'what if' or whatever. But a lot of people, including those who go on to struggle have thought it through. The bigger issue really is that it's hard to reach out for help without judgement, as some posts on here show. Of course some people are terrible parents who abuse their children and you wonder why the fuck they had them, that's a different kettle of fish to someone struggling at certain stages and looking toward the future.

Working four days and trying to keep up with the house and being a mum is a lot.
Do you baby wear? Get yourself a good carrier or sling it makes walks so much easier. My didn,t wal to 18 months so don,t worry about that side of things.
Find something not work related you could do. I had friends who did Crochet or knitting. Or take some time to walk the dog on your own?
I think children don,t get easier, just the challengers change.

@Sarahpaula I adore my children and we have the most wonderful life together. My life is infinitely better with them and I know I’m a good parent because I love them so much.
You are using a really extreme example/s to compare with, I really can’t stand that. Parents are absolutely allowed to (on a predominately parent-oriented website) say that sometimes they have been exhausted and find a stage hard. There is nothing wrong with seeking reassurance.
I was so lucky to want children, have them now in my life but I struggled with having no proper sleep for years . Considering sleep is a basic human need to survive I think this is absolutely normal. Did I find this easy ? No. Did I understand or get that some kids don’t sleep properly for years pre-kids ?
No, I genuinely didn’t because no one told me as they’d prob have been accused of being too negative or scare mongering.
That’s why I’m so glad websites like Mumsnet exist so I can ask honest question about sleep or behavior that I can’t in RL.
It’s totally not on to shut other people down based on your experiences.
My children are my world and we give them a wonderful life and we are so lucky to have them despite hard times. I’ve seen a lot of reassurance that things will get better for the op and that’s a good thing, it’s positive for them.

It will get better - Repeat it to yourself 20 times a day.
Alternate doing bedtime and go out for a walk, just get away from the noise!
I also found Baby Einstein super helpful in a child largely uninterested in TV...
Noise-cancelling headphones for when your DH has baby.
Take DS swimming and you might guarantee some quiet coffee shop time after :)
Good luck OP!

@Sarahpaula you seem to come across a lot of very abusive people, in my almost ten years of being a parent I’ve never heard anyone talk about their children the way you frequently hear people talk about theirs. I would find that really disturbing tbh. It’s totally wrong.
I’m a really good parent and so are all of my friends, they are tired , they get lonely and they can find some aspects of parenting hard. This is absolutely normal , until children are independent we are full time carers often working in a job also. Just because someone finds it hard at times doesn’t equate with abusing their children or being really negative around them. To come do that conclusion is really strange and you are projecting. All this “ think before” is patronizing and maybe it’s some justification to you not wanting children. Either way these are your issues or you are bizarrely surrounded by awful people..

You either need help because you have pnd or you shouldn't have become a parent! Life will never be about you, the kids come first. Mine are adults and I still consider their needs and I know my mum does about me! Their needs change and with that you get more freedom to do things without your children in tow/they entertain themselves but it's never going to be the same. I drove half way across the country this week to help my dd settle into halls because she was struggling, being a mum means their needs come first