When does life return?

[Sillymummies123]

Please - no unnecessary BS about how ‘life will never be about you again’. I fully believe that children benefit from a parent who has their own life and for whom the child is not their whole world.

On that note - my baby is now 13 months old (was also born 3 months early so we’ve had 16 months of useless, miserable baby time). I was perusing an article between 6am and 6:05am before he started whining to be woken up. The article was about the joys of autumn and it mentioned snuggling under a blanket, long walks and hot chocolate, and I just burst into tears because I don’t see a way for my life to have things like that - relaxation, time for me, a period not spent trying to stop a crawling baby from destroying the house, screaming, just demanding all of me, and being in no way myself anymore. I want a life, and if this was all life had to offer from now I genuinely wonder whether I would even want to bother anymore. I’m not maternally minded, and in fact I can’t really say that, while I love my baby, I have enjoyed ANY of the time we have spent together. As in, I find it draining and boring.

So - the question is: When is life pleasurable again? This will likely correlate with when my child can do his own thing a bit more, and I don’t wake up dreading a day of miserable whining and exhausting placating. When going to a food market, or a woodland walk, or watching a movie under a blanket on a frosty afternoon can resume without the child raising bloody hell.
Thanks

I think from when they are nearly 4. And when they start reception they are much more independent.

@Sillymummies123

Oh, yes - the ‘don’t have another’

I have to admit it makes sense. I’ve resented most of this journey thus far.

However, there are a few points. I’ve always wanted a child (not EYFS age). I’ve always wanted more than one child. I still want a child, I think. But I HATE having a baby. I’m about 90% certain I’ll love it when he’s older. I’m also sure I don’t want an only child. So therefore I must take a gamble soon, condense the misery into the early years, and then they’ll grow up together and life will improve OR I wait, double check that life does improve, and then just as he becomes bearable, another baby waltzes onto the scene.

Tricky decisions eh

I wouldn’t bother. If you hate it this much imagine how you will feel with two. Children are sponges they will know you are not enjoying them and that’s not fair. You don’t want your kids to grow up knowing that you were unhappy being a mother.

I get that it’s tiring/boring/monotonous- I’ve had three. Two small children wrecking the house/not sleeping/crying/fighting is a game changer. Know your limits.

You say your sure you don’t want an only child but you don’t even like parenting the one you have. If you honestly can’t find any small pockets of joy with one what makes you think you will with two?

Also don't under estimate that you have had a baby at a terrible time for society. That WILL have affected your experience even if you don't feel it has

All the support I would have experienced during my maternity leave has been stripped away.

The days I had nowhere to go I was lonely. I lived for those trips out with friends until DH was home.

I imagine it's very difficult for young mums right now.

oh and don't let others make you feel bad. I hated up to 18 months. Enjoyed 18mo to 3.5 but found it exhausting. From 3.5 I have absolutely loved parenting and found it easy. DS is now 4.5 so I am aware things could change but am just enjoying what I have right now :)

OP firstly you are very brave starting this thread. This is the reality for so many but for some weird reason no one likes being honest about it which I believe makes people feel worse as they think they're alone. If only people would be more open about motherhood but anyway that's for another conversation I guess.

Can you not look into getting some part time help that would allow you to be able to do the things you enjoy again? I don't know what things are like financially for you but worth thinking about - or having your child in the nursery an extra day and having a day to yourself?

If those are not an option then long walks go for when baby is napping?

I actually don't have kids lol so these could be really silly suggestions but I'm just trying to help! Xx

@boomboomg

OP firstly you are very brave starting this thread. This is the reality for so many but for some weird reason no one likes being honest about it which I believe makes people feel worse as they think they're alone. If only people would be more open about motherhood but anyway that's for another conversation I guess.

Can you not look into getting some part time help that would allow you to be able to do the things you enjoy again? I don't know what things are like financially for you but worth thinking about - or having your child in the nursery an extra day and having a day to yourself?

If those are not an option then long walks go for when baby is napping?

I actually don't have kids lol so these could be really silly suggestions but I'm just trying to help! Xx

We’re sort of using our ‘nursery load’ financially and in other ways already. He’s already with others 4 days a week, and we do obviously want him to see us and spend time with us, and we enjoy the bonding too (aside from the relentlessness and complete loss of self - as I’ve said already: we DO love him, after all).

Since mine were 3&5 it's been infinitely better. I think Crack on and get the misery out of the way. And yes it's hard hard work and tedious but it absolutely improves. And keeps getting better. With two now they play together.

It gets gradually easier, I hated the young stage, used to count down from 13.45 as I had survived half the day and it was now count down to bed. More enjoyment from 3.5 ish, proper enjoyment from 7 onwards. I was not depressed, just didn't enjoy the relentlessness of it and the constantly being needed. I have only one child and love him to bits but no way was I have another child and find it difficult to understand people who have multiple children especially those who have big gaps and keep on returning to the baby stage.
Your feelings are valid and I think more common that many admit to

It’s so hard. I have a 22 month old - some days he’s an absolute joy to be with, and I can’t wait to have another child; other days we’re just trying to make it to bed time and I can’t imagine going through all this again!

I second @BertieBotts recommending Janet Lansbury. Her approach really helps me keep everything in perspective. I used to stress about DS crawling/walking/talking late but it’s very freeing to know he’s doing things at the right time for him.

I know you say you’re pretty sure you don’t have PND. Having a prem baby must have been incredibly stressful and scary though, and started you off in motherhood in difficult way. Would you consider having counselling? I had a traumatic birth, didn’t have “official” PND but felt much as you did till about 10 months, when I had counselling. It really helped to ease the burden of what had happened and enabled me to enjoy motherhood so much more.

If you’re not sure about counselling, I really recommend the Motherkind podcast too as sort of DIY counselling. Some episodes have been more relevant to me than others but the one on matrescence with Dr Alexandra Sachs is fascinating.

Fully understand how you feel. Pleeeeaaase don’t have another. Honestly you won’t be missing out on ANYTHING! Just more slog for yourself.

In answer to the main questions age 7/8 is my experience sorry.

Oh God OP you sound identical to me, I can relate to every word that you say.

Life returned in dribs & drabs and only when I MADE it return.
So organising time away whenever I could arrange it. Even just to walk around Asda for an hour on my own at 10 at night when dh was home & kid in bed.
Going back to word made a huge difference.

For me, it’s time away. As much as possible.

I get it op, I really do.

Much better when they both were at primary school/preschool.

I don’t think you sound depressed, just completely fed up with the reality of small children. Mine would still struggle to watch a film at 7 and 5 years old - there was no way they would have done it as toddlers.

And as for the idea that I had a couple of hours in the evening - ha bloody ha! One of mine was an atrocious sleeper so the only way through that was to shovel some dinner in and then get into bed as early as possible because we were going to be up several times at night and then have to work the next day. We had no family help, so we either paid for help or it was my DH or I. And it’s not particularly easy to get babysitters for babies/toddlers - I wasn’t going to leave them with a local teenager and our nursery staff weren’t allowed to do babysitting for nursery children.

Work made a big difference - me going to work helped DH acknowledge that the kids were his problem too, and it forced me to get out of the house, paid for nursery and was enjoyable. We had so little couple time it was properly hard.

Ours watched a lot of CBeebies as a survival strategy. They’re both fine, healthy, normal kids, DH and I are still married, I still have a good career and a life and it’s a proper enjoyable family life.

Do I still lose my shit over tidying up everyone’s crap? Yes. Do I haaaaate sorting out 3 meals a day? Also yes. Does my DH like spending his weekends doing DIY and house jobs? Not particularly. But that’s life, and now we have two children to hang out, help and share it with. It’s never like Instagram. It’s much harder and much better.

My only advise was if you want another one, I recommend a close age gap. Shit at the time, great when they are older.

I suspect part of this is the fact you had a premature baby. It is much harder!! Don’t underestimate the stress that will have brought. They develop at a slightly slower rate and can be “high needs”. The behaviour you describe from him reminds me of my eldest who was very prem. Life with him got much easier at about 3 years old.
Meantime you need to still go out and do stuff. Is he in a parent facing pushchair? It makes a difference to babies that cry a lot. Also try a sling / baby carrier.

I really, honestly wasn't trying to make you feel bad by asking what your expectations were. I didn't enjoy the tiny baby stage at all (and felt a lot of guilt about it) and found it far more boring than I'd expected. But the thing is you've offered one idea of how parenthood could be nice that's years away and super-idealised - you're not going to get many days where your DS is both self-sufficient and lovely, charming, engaging company who enjoys what you enjoy all day and you can't hold on for years in the expectation of that. You need to find ways of finding some joy now. I absolutely don't think you should sacrifice more of yourself to do that, I think you need to find ways to have more time to yourself, but you're really determined to find reasons why that can't happen. And it's that insistence that every is awful but nothing can be changed that is such a hallmark that this is depression talking rather than just finding this a hard stage.

Your baby will get easier, they will eventually watch a bit of TV or play a bit of their own but I don’t think life resembles ‘old life’ until the teen years. My kind kids are 3 and 6 Yes I could take my children on a woodland walk but they will want to play mindless games along the way and talk about toys and count things etc. I could snuggle under a blanket and read but I’d get talked at and asked to play so it’s not worth it unless they are in bed. It’s just a shock to your system you will get used to it and you will enjoy new things. I love going swimming with the children and bowling it’s more fun at Christmas time. The first three years are hard more so with Covid just do whatever to get through the tough times.

I think your last post sounds really odd confused]

Hello OP, Didn't have babies in lockdown or 3 months premature, so haven't had similar experiences in that respect. But did live in cramped flat with twins , one of whom cried relentlessly, could not be comforted, arched back when picked up ( due to colic I think) and although we tried everything the crying did my head in.... Have very supportive partner and took mat leave for a year so no work pressure to add, but going out to the park every single day, rain or shine saved my sanity, it really absolutely did.. The crying never seemed to be as bad in the open air and we got to sit outside park cafes, drink hot choc etc and enjoy nature. Might sound corny but just made me so happy being outside in the park, watching the seasons change etc. Took snacks, drinks etc for the babies and stayed out for hours. When walking, got those little waterproof all in ones and did the same & it was actually fun. Met some other parents en route but a lot of the time was on my own and it really was fine. Getting home was always the letdown though as the sound of the buggy on the gravel drive signalled crying time again.. sorry rambled a lot here, but do give being outside more a chance..

@Codexdivinchi

I think your last post sounds really odd confused]

Cool ?

I don't agree that OP sounds depressed, she's just being honest. I can relate to it a lot, I have 2 - 5 yr old and 9 month old. My life got so much easier when my first DC was 3+ so I know there's light at the end of the tunnel. I just keep telling myself it will get easier but also more importantly I have a hands on supportive partner who does more than his fair share. I make sure I get out once or twice a week with friends and get a break too. I don't know how I would manage otheriwse.

OP do you have a partner? If not I sympathise it must be very hard.

Please don't have another if you feel like this, I have an only child (by choice) and am very happy.

I do think that 'tag teaming' with your DH would help, I know you say you both want to do things together but having time and space on your own can really help, my DH used to do nearly all the evenings and we each had a day to ourselves at weekends - occasionally we did 'family' things but trailing round a farm park isn't that exciting and it doesn't really matter if your child is with one parent or two. Having time to myself enabled me to have my own hobbies and interests which helped keep me sane.

@Sillymummies123

Oh, yes - the ‘don’t have another’

I have to admit it makes sense. I’ve resented most of this journey thus far.

However, there are a few points. I’ve always wanted a child (not EYFS age). I’ve always wanted more than one child. I still want a child, I think. But I HATE having a baby. I’m about 90% certain I’ll love it when he’s older. I’m also sure I don’t want an only child. So therefore I must take a gamble soon, condense the misery into the early years, and then they’ll grow up together and life will improve OR I wait, double check that life does improve, and then just as he becomes bearable, another baby waltzes onto the scene.

Tricky decisions eh

It is tricky. I've gone for a roughly 2 year gap as a combo between getting it all done and having a smallish age gap and not having two under two. I think three years would probably be easier. The issue with only having one is that I think they need more entertaining. I do not enjoy playing pretend and don't want to spend a large part of the next five years (at least) doing it. I find kids with siblings tend to rely on their siblings more for that. Of course, you do lose that advantage with a bigger age gap and you gain squabbles with any age gap, so swings and roundabouts. But I teach primary- I can deal with squabbling more easily than with being a child's playmate 365 days a year- so for me the choice was relatively straightforward.

@Sillymummies123 I'm sure you love your baby but perhaps an extra half day then. Some kids have to go nursery five days it doesn't mean you don't love them.

I honestly think as a parent being able to refuel yourself and be you again is the most important thing that's overlooked because of societal judgement.

A phrase a friend of mine has with kids - happy mom = happy kids. I don't mean it to sound patronising but people often make the mistake in my opinion of always putting the kids first and I don't agree.

Another analogy someone gave me one is when they do the safety procedure on planes, parent always puts mask on first not the child. Because if you're not looked after in the first instance what good are you for the child?

Just my opinion anyway. Like a say I don't have kids so appreciate my advice is only going to be limited in this situation but I hope helpful somewhat X

You sound like your talking about a puppy you wanted but now you’ve got it it’s too much faff. I agree if this is real please dont have anymore.

You have three days out of seven give your head a wobble.

@Byallmeans that's just unnecessary. Why do you have to make smart comments like that?

@Byallmeans

You sound like your talking about a puppy you wanted but now you’ve got it it’s too much faff. I agree if this is real please dont have anymore.

You have three days out of seven give your head a wobble.

Oh, yes, and the other four days I’m just lounging on a beach in the Dalmatian coast.