I completely understand how you feel. Sorry this is long but I always feel compelled to respond on threads like this.
The first 4-6 weeks were great, he pretty much slept the whole time. I thought I had it sussed. I was glowing actually!
After that things went spectacularly tits up. He was into everything, always needed to be looking at something, having a toy jingled in his face, constant interaction and stimulation. Refused sleep unless he was strapped to me during the day or pressed up against me during the night. He was a big baby too so I developed a chronic bad back, but that was preferable to listening to him gripe and scream all day. OR I’d have to push him round and round the kitchen table in his pushchair to maybe get 15-20 mins of sleep. I tried, oh god did I try to get him napping/sleeping on his own. But he was so determined and I didn’t have the energy, I just wanted the screaming to stop!
I remember using ear plugs for about the first year as he was such a whingey high maintenance baby and the noise was unbearable. He was also highly frustrated, always wanted to be one step ahead of what he was capable of. So, before he could crawl we had months of frustrated screaming. Once he could crawl he wanted to stand and walk. Cue much falling down and yes, more frustrated screaming. He talked early, full sentences by 18 months but again, he wanted to be able to say more, understand more hence the relentless screaming and tantruming continued.
I remember trying to fire fight all day for months/years, trying to avoid things that I knew would set him off and constantly having to make things ‘just right’ to try and keep him calm. I remember family members rolling their eyes and giving me unhelpful advice, when the truth was, none of them had experienced anything quite like my son. He really was that bloody difficult.
I won’t bore you with the rest save to say that the toddler and pre school years were not kind to us either, but I plugged on relentlessly, worrying constantly that this was my life forever and it was utterly shit.
BUT the tide eventually turned by the age of about 4.5. the penny finally seemed to drop. He just stopped being so fucking combative and difficult all the time. We took him on his first long haul holiday and he was just the best company for the whole two weeks. I came back from that holiday on such a high and I’ve been riding that high pretty much ever since.
Now at almost 6 he is the most fantastic, clever, funny, polite, charming child. I am so immensely proud of him and I genuinely adore spending time with him. I can honestly say that those early years were worth it for what I have today. When I think back to those times, it really does feel like a lifetime ago. At the time you feel like it’s never going to end, but you’ll blink and he’ll be at school.
However, we decided not to have any more children. Who knows what the next one may have been like? But for me, I couldn’t gamble and risk going back to those exceptionally tough times. I feel very content right now, we have a great work life balance and we’re all very happy.
My advice would just be to think very carefully about having another, that may be the tipping point for you and then there is no way back. Having an only child has MANY benefits for them and you. It’s no bad thing, trust me!