When does life return?

[Sillymummies123]

Please - no unnecessary BS about how ‘life will never be about you again’. I fully believe that children benefit from a parent who has their own life and for whom the child is not their whole world.

On that note - my baby is now 13 months old (was also born 3 months early so we’ve had 16 months of useless, miserable baby time). I was perusing an article between 6am and 6:05am before he started whining to be woken up. The article was about the joys of autumn and it mentioned snuggling under a blanket, long walks and hot chocolate, and I just burst into tears because I don’t see a way for my life to have things like that - relaxation, time for me, a period not spent trying to stop a crawling baby from destroying the house, screaming, just demanding all of me, and being in no way myself anymore. I want a life, and if this was all life had to offer from now I genuinely wonder whether I would even want to bother anymore. I’m not maternally minded, and in fact I can’t really say that, while I love my baby, I have enjoyed ANY of the time we have spent together. As in, I find it draining and boring.

So - the question is: When is life pleasurable again? This will likely correlate with when my child can do his own thing a bit more, and I don’t wake up dreading a day of miserable whining and exhausting placating. When going to a food market, or a woodland walk, or watching a movie under a blanket on a frosty afternoon can resume without the child raising bloody hell.
Thanks

A lot of people are mentioning the benefits of having ‘evenings to yourself’. That’s still, what? 2-3 hours out of the 12 in a day? We also live in a tiny bungalow (trying to resolve this) but his room is through two very poor doors (his is obviously open an inch) and sometimes he stirs in the night when we’re talking quietly. So in terms of ‘enjoying the evenings’ I can’t even do the washing up without him waking, let alone have a party or do some aerobics etc

Reading your latest updates it seems like you do not get help from family so share between you and DP who are both working difficult jobs.

Get some outside help if you can. If you can afford a cleaner then get one to take the pressure off. I would consider an extra half day of nursery to give you that space you need to do the things you are missing or get a babysitter ( ask your nursery if anyone there babysits).

I work with little kids and love the little kid stage, but still find it relentless. Everything you are doing in this stage is building the foundation for your awesome 3, 6 or 9 year old in the future. It's about attachment, exploration. Whilst it's hard build in things to make it easier.

I too feel PND could be a factor. There are chemical imbalances but yiur environment has a huge influence too. You can be greiving for your old pre baby life. Just to add too - covid is making the whole parenting experience much harder than before!

A lot of what you are saying resonates with me. For me you are almost at the end of the worst stage. When talking starts that really helps me. I was about to say walking but then I remembered beyond the initial joy at the whole process, then the utter tediousness of waiting for a toddler to walk slowly anywhere. I know many love this but it grates so much for me.

But I sense in your posts a conflict between knowing that you’re allowed to hate this stage but feeling like you are possibly doing something wrong because of it - and some of the replies you have received will not have helped this! In my experience, motherhood is not at all what I thought - a lot less joy, but the joy there is is bigger than I ever expected, if that makes sense. I just wasn’t prepared for the sheer volume of tedium and shite, I still struggle to accept it tbh! But mine are 2 and nearly 5 and so funny and much more enjoyable to spend time with. And they sleep now.

Can’t achieve that many things on your wish list tho...from my experience I would advise waiting a bit to have another kid. Yes getting a bit more free then having it snatched away is tough, but without that the world feels more grim. At least I had some good quality
Times to myself before the baby stage came around again. And it was easier second time, despite still not my fave.

Mum solidarity high five to you and hope it’s sunny where you are.

Funny enough, I was a teacher before I had kids too, and I really really struggled having babies and tiny toddlers.
Each minute felt like an hour to be really honest.
You gradually get your life back a bit at a time, I'd say. As pp's have said, 3 and a half is a massive turning point but 5 is when I really start enjoying it.
I have friends who love the baby phase, and don't enjoy them so much as they get older. You've got all you best times in front of you, hang in there.

Ha ha. Teens are lovely to other people but not when they reside in your own home

Ungrateful
Grumpy
Rude
Selfish beyond compare
Massive worry
Exams
Massive loads of homework

Potential for bully drugs sex knives fights

It's a joy.

And mine are pretty good tbh.

As for the stress of them waking up, ad they get older and more enjoyable, you wont mind the thought of that so much! But they will actually sleep more deeply then!
You sound so much like me, you just dont find babies and young toddlers enjoyable. I really feel for you. Ours are 3, 5 and 6 now and I'm honestly sane and loving life again. It will happen for you

Also I’m very maternal and adore children but I still found the age you are at so difficult.
I’m sure you do this anyway but if your child still sits in a buggy can you go for a really long walks maybe listening to a podcast.
Someone gave me great advice before re. kids; do things that you enjoy but is also possible with children. Like a pp said have realistic expectations, me and my dh made a good few rookie errors in the past, going for a meal and then getting fed up that we couldn’t sit or it was so much work that we had to leave, or trying to have “chill” days at home with toddlers when they end up climbing the walls and loads of screaming by 10am..
So if you like fresh air and a walk wrap them up and out them in a buggy , if you want to read the bath is brilliant, little kids love splashing around in water and you can sit next to them reading etc.
It definitely does get easier in lots of ways op but there are other challenges then so if you think that how you feel is lingering no harm to talk to a gp or someone too.
Also people in rl often don’t talk about the relentless of this. No I didn’t enjoy having to follow a 13 month old all day long or going up and down the stairs a million times , like who does?!!

@Notashandyta

As for the stress of them waking up, ad they get older and more enjoyable, you wont mind the thought of that so much! But they will actually sleep more deeply then! You sound so much like me, you just dont find babies and young toddlers enjoyable. I really feel for you. Ours are 3, 5 and 6 now and I'm honestly sane and loving life again. It will happen for you

You made me want to hug my phone. Thank you

OP you do sound like you’d benefit from speaking to a GP. I was where you are in the spring. I had a just turned one year old who I had taken no pleasure in at all, her first year was spent mostly with her screaming and us desperately trying to work out why (allergies, it turned out, CMPA and tbh I suspect others that we still don’t know of yet). I knew this wasn’t right as she wasn’t my first but I was finding it so joyless. I didn’t see how a GP could help when I was Convinced my misery was down to the situation. I went on anti depressants and stopped breastfeeding her (I’d had to adapt my diet to her alllegies and it was hard and thankless) and I felt like a new woman within weeks. My periods also came back so I think a LOT of my feelings were definately hormonal. Once I felt on more of an even keel I just felt an overwhelming love for her that I’d worried I’d never feel. Yes the day to day is still mind numbing a lot of the time. I think especially that mothers are ‘meant’ to be happy with sacrificing themselves and their wants for finding fulfilment through motherhood and tbh that’s often a shitty deal. I AM more than just mummy and I still find it incredibly hard. My dd is still very highly strung and won’t be left alone for 5 minutes. She still won’t reliably nap anywhere but in her buggy or in my lap which can be awful when I have things I desperately need to do. I spend a lot of the weekends feeling guilty for leaving her playing with dh while I desperately run around playing catch up on all the other things I need to do. But I know it will get better. I promise you it will. But I really think you’d benefit from either anti depressants or simply talking to someone truthfully about how you feel. You seem to desperately want to change things but in a way that’s entirely unrealistic. I think you need some help accepting your life as it is and trying to find ways of making it more enjoyable and bearable for you. You can’t go on as you are and you know that, or you’d not have started the thread. I do wish you luck with it all x

The scenario you describe - 7 years old.

This is going to sound like I'm being accusatory or nasty but it's a genuine question: what did you think having a baby would be like? I'm trying to work out if it's his behaviour you find challenging (you mention a lot of screaming which isn't at all unusual but also isn't universal so I can see why that would make things harder than expected) or the whole concept?

A lot of people are mentioning the benefits of having ‘evenings to yourself’. That’s still, what? 2-3 hours out of the 12 in a day? We also live in a tiny bungalow (trying to resolve this) but his room is through two very poor doors (his is obviously open an inch) and sometimes he stirs in the night when we’re talking quietly. So in terms of ‘enjoying the evenings’ I can’t even do the washing up without him waking, let alone have a party or do some aerobics etc

But isn't a couple of hours a day a pretty normal amount of leisure time for an adult? And so many of the activities you mentioned wanting - writing, watching a film with hot chocolate - are quiet ones. And even if you don't feel able to go out on your own during the day as neither you or your DP want to parent alone (which I do think is something you need to push through as it'll improve things so much when you have), surely going out in the evening when your baby is in bed is an option if he's usually a good sleeper?

Could you and your partner take turns to have a lie in at the weekend? It’s a while until they’ll amuse themselves for an hour or so in the morning (maybe 3?) and longer until they get their own breakfast and dress on waking without being asked, but what’s the harm of a couple of hours in pyjamas?
Does your dc have a routine? Mine really didn’t, which made things a lot more flexible for days out: no rush to get home for nap time/ lunchtime, they’d nap in the car on long drives, or in the pushchair. It’s harder to work to a routine when you have older dc already anyway (my 4 have 8 years between them, so younger ones had to be woken for nursery drop offs/ school pick ups etc). They were happy to snack/ eat whilst out too.
I found they got to be really good company around 18 months-2, once they could chatter away. That’s not far now!

I have a 2.5 year old and a 4 month old. It's incredibly hard. My husband and I "joke" all the time about why we ruined our lives! Why did we fall into this "trap of parenthood".
However, most people hate the monotony of it all and no sleep and giving up so much, but try to find small joys. That's all you might have for a while.

My small joy is cooking dinner with a glass of wine alone in the kitchen or watching an episode of something after bed time. Right now, my husband's just had a lie in and now he's up and I'm taking a bath and zoning out on my phone

Every time I feel sorry for myself and long for lazy days and freedom, I remember that this is my own doing... what did I think having a baby/toddler would be like!? Also, my parents did it for me and your darling little %!^€* will have to do it for their kids most likely.

You must take turns with your husband. Even if it's just for an hour or two of freedom at a time. Also PND isn't like regular depression. It feels different. Talk to a GP just to get their opinion maybe

FWIW op I found 2 dc easier than one. Dc2 was fascinated by dc1 and I didn’t have to do half as much entertainment. Three dc however is a totally different ball game

OP I do feel that some of the language you are using goes beyond "not enjoying the baby phase". I'm a card carrying feminist but surely you were aware of the life changing impact a small baby can have before you had yours? You sound as if you actively dislike your life and your kid. This is a small helpless human, and of course you need to prioritise them. Of course you're only going to have a couple of hours to relax in the evenings; wait til they're ill or teething badly or get separation anxiety and you have no evening at all. With your "demanding job", you might have to spend those 2 or 3 hours working - I know I often do! I really do think speaking to someone will help. I'm going against the grain of most doing the mum-solidarity thing and saying I think you sound either hugely unreasonable or depressed and should seek some help.

Both my children were a lot more manageable at 4.

Rather than waiting for a time when your child can fulfill a fantasy image you have, you may be better to build a life with your child that you both enjoy. Life is happening right now for both of you and whilst to me you do sound quite depressed, talking about a time when your child is independent enough to make their own breakfast could be 5 years away and that's a long time to wait. My 25 month old comes in bed on weekend mornings and we eat brioche or similar with peppa on whilst snuggled up, we've been doing 'picnics' on the living room floor for a while and share celebrations with other families with DC (so new year's eve we have a fake midnight at 7pm). I dont enjoy parenting as much as I expected but I love DD and I want her to have a fantastic childhood without wishing it away.

For me. When I put them in nursery at four and five months respectively and went back to work. I felt 100% more normal. Still tough but manageable.
From three onwards I really began to enjoy them. Now teens, No regrets at all I outsourced some of their early years. We're all bonded well enough and I got to keep my life and my pension.

I'm being very negative the upside of teens is

They stay in their room the whole time all you need to do is feed them.

If your doing an ok job they will come too you if needed. Embrace those rare moments they are rare.

They go out on their own

They are pretty funny

They sleep in!!!!!!!

It does get better once they are at nursery or school

My saviour was my friends I still see my mum friends now The company and support was worth its weight in gold. DH was great but he was at work so what help was he to me.

Aaaaand here comes the confusion as to why I’m not happy to reduce my life to ‘mummy’ and devote myself fully to another human.

What did I think having a baby would be like? I obviously didn’t @#%@ing know, having never know anyone else to have one and having never had one myself. I must admit the development rate has felt much slower than I’d expected. But let’s not go down a ‘well, you opened your legs’ route, just when I’m feeling lifted by the supportive, understanding and validating comments eh?

@blackcat86

Rather than waiting for a time when your child can fulfill a fantasy image you have, you may be better to build a life with your child that you both enjoy. Life is happening right now for both of you and whilst to me you do sound quite depressed, talking about a time when your child is independent enough to make their own breakfast could be 5 years away and that's a long time to wait. My 25 month old comes in bed on weekend mornings and we eat brioche or similar with peppa on whilst snuggled up, we've been doing 'picnics' on the living room floor for a while and share celebrations with other families with DC (so new year's eve we have a fake midnight at 7pm). I dont enjoy parenting as much as I expected but I love DD and I want her to have a fantastic childhood without wishing it away.

Fine - ok - I’ll reword to sharing a cuddle in bed without him trying to commit suicide off the edge of the bed after two seconds.

Hello OP. What you write ring true with me, and probably a lot of other mums, it’s just no one is ‘allowed’ to say it. Being stuck with a non talking screaming infant all day every day is hard and boring, there’s no doubt about it. In fact, for a lot of the first 18 months I really thought- if this is the best time of people’s lives, what the hell were they like before?
Don’t beat yourself up for feeling like this. I know people mention depression- for me, I was depressed for a long while. But a lot of what made me depressed was the expectation that I would enjoy it and the reality being very different.
Actually, I was never going to enjoy it- who would?!!! only a masochist surely?
What helped me get out of the funk was a couple of the things.
Do you know anyone with older kids? when my son was about 12 months I saw my friend with a two and a half year old and it really helped me to start imagining a fun future with a chatty little person, rather than a sack of potatoes (no offence to my baby).

They do change so quickly. 13 months is pretty little still, but in the space of the lockdown, my son has learnt to walk, talk and watch tv for considerable stretches! It’s such a huge difference.

Don’t forget that a lot of this year has been in lockdown- it’s miserable, and I really wouldn’t have been able to cope with that if my son was any younger. No wonder you’re feeling at your wits end. Another thing that helped me was having things to look forward to- dinners, trips away. Is there any way you can book stuff in (hard at the moment I know). But just designated time for you and having fun and feeling like yourself.

The last thing is- and I mean this in a really nice way because I was exactly the same- are there any things you could do with your baby that you would actually enjoy? I’m not a baby class person, or a nursery rhyme person at all. But I started making my baby into ‘mine’- i started doing karaoke at him, and started taking him to all you can eat Chinese buffets, and we sort of became friends. I know it sounds weird. But for ages I felt like I had to change to be a mum, and was convinced my child wanted a Mary poppins style, baby voices type mumsmy mum. He didn’t, of course; he just wanted me! So once i kind of let that go, I could just be myself around him and he became my tiny, weird little pal.

Sorry if none of this helps- but I think time, dropping any guilt, and silliness will help you xx

I found 4 was a turning point. Suddenly he could watch a whole film in one go or play by himself for longer periods of time. I now find I have time to relax on the sofa and read or do my cross stitch. He can also walk for reasonable distances so we can go on countryside walks which is another thing I enjoy. Definitely feel that I am getting more of my own time back :)

@Anewmum2018

Hello OP. What you write ring true with me, and probably a lot of other mums, it’s just no one is ‘allowed’ to say it. Being stuck with a non talking screaming infant all day every day is hard and boring, there’s no doubt about it. In fact, for a lot of the first 18 months I really thought- if this is the best time of people’s lives, what the hell were they like before? Don’t beat yourself up for feeling like this. I know people mention depression- for me, I was depressed for a long while. But a lot of what made me depressed was the expectation that I would enjoy it and the reality being very different. Actually, I was never going to enjoy it- who would?!!! only a masochist surely? What helped me get out of the funk was a couple of the things. Do you know anyone with older kids? when my son was about 12 months I saw my friend with a two and a half year old and it really helped me to start imagining a fun future with a chatty little person, rather than a sack of potatoes (no offence to my baby).

They do change so quickly. 13 months is pretty little still, but in the space of the lockdown, my son has learnt to walk, talk and watch tv for considerable stretches! It’s such a huge difference.

Don’t forget that a lot of this year has been in lockdown- it’s miserable, and I really wouldn’t have been able to cope with that if my son was any younger. No wonder you’re feeling at your wits end. Another thing that helped me was having things to look forward to- dinners, trips away. Is there any way you can book stuff in (hard at the moment I know). But just designated time for you and having fun and feeling like yourself.

The last thing is- and I mean this in a really nice way because I was exactly the same- are there any things you could do with your baby that you would actually enjoy? I’m not a baby class person, or a nursery rhyme person at all. But I started making my baby into ‘mine’- i started doing karaoke at him, and started taking him to all you can eat Chinese buffets, and we sort of became friends. I know it sounds weird. But for ages I felt like I had to change to be a mum, and was convinced my child wanted a Mary poppins style, baby voices type mumsmy mum. He didn’t, of course; he just wanted me! So once i kind of let that go, I could just be myself around him and he became my tiny, weird little pal.

Sorry if none of this helps- but I think time, dropping any guilt, and silliness will help you xx

It helps enormously :( thank you

Op it’s relentless when they are babies but I promise you it does get better. I remember going in Christmas morning all excited to get my new son up and he had peed through his nappy all over his Christmas pyjamas and bedding and I had to start the day by changing the whole thing and had a little moment of realisation that this incessant wiping of things wouldn’t end any time soon. It’s tough and just because you aren’t enjoying this stage it doesn’t mean you’re depressed or that there isn’t light at the end of the tunnel.