When does life return?

[Sillymummies123]

Please - no unnecessary BS about how ‘life will never be about you again’. I fully believe that children benefit from a parent who has their own life and for whom the child is not their whole world.

On that note - my baby is now 13 months old (was also born 3 months early so we’ve had 16 months of useless, miserable baby time). I was perusing an article between 6am and 6:05am before he started whining to be woken up. The article was about the joys of autumn and it mentioned snuggling under a blanket, long walks and hot chocolate, and I just burst into tears because I don’t see a way for my life to have things like that - relaxation, time for me, a period not spent trying to stop a crawling baby from destroying the house, screaming, just demanding all of me, and being in no way myself anymore. I want a life, and if this was all life had to offer from now I genuinely wonder whether I would even want to bother anymore. I’m not maternally minded, and in fact I can’t really say that, while I love my baby, I have enjoyed ANY of the time we have spent together. As in, I find it draining and boring.

So - the question is: When is life pleasurable again? This will likely correlate with when my child can do his own thing a bit more, and I don’t wake up dreading a day of miserable whining and exhausting placating. When going to a food market, or a woodland walk, or watching a movie under a blanket on a frosty afternoon can resume without the child raising bloody hell.
Thanks

By about 2.5 mine would sit under a blanket with you and eat snacks while watching the telly. It’ll be years before you get the freedom to do that without your child (unless you have a babysitter of course). But it’s nice to do things that involve your child.

@Ranunculi

By about 2.5 mine would sit under a blanket with you and eat snacks while watching the telly. It’ll be years before you get the freedom to do that without your child (unless you have a babysitter of course). But it’s nice to do things that involve your child.

Oh, absolutely. I’d love to do things with him. I’m at ‘baby crawls off moaning’ stage. I’m excited for sharing adventures together or even a lie in together gasp

I agree that there is a huge shift once they are confidently walking, which for mine was somewhere between 18 months and 2.

It makes a huge difference when you can just put shoes on them and go for a walk.

For undressing - get a duvet like footmuff for the pram, stick him in there with normal clothes on, he'll be toasty warm, bring a hat in case he seems cold, don't put it on until you're actually outside. I could never be arsed with faffy snowsuits, I hated them, babies hate them. If he gets too hot in the footmuff you can just unzip it.

If you want to spend time teaching something, I'd put some time and energy into teaching baby signs. Just pick 2-3 at first - DS1 started with milk, more, where. DS2 started with milk, all done and for some reason, bird. Just pick 3 phrases/ideas/objects you would find useful if he could communicate and whenever you say something that essentially means this, do the sign clearly in front of him. If he picks up one or two of them (it can take a month or two for them to start doing it back) that's a win! You can then offer him new signs when he seems to be interested in something or when you come across a new concept that would be useful for him to be able to communicate.

They stop using them once they learn to talk a bit but it provides such a good bridge before their language is developed, and helps reduce random screaming.

He sounds like he is a grumpy sort of baby, not happy in himself.
Try to find him some Cranial Osteopathy. with a practician who is knowledgeable about babies
It totally changed my toddler, (should have gone much sooner but didn't know about it) she started sleeping & was calmer, & subsequently a lot less misery to me.

Also, DD didn't like a pram, but was better in a back pack

I had no idea how bone achingly tired I'd be in the newborn stage, no idea how a 4 day labour and instrumental birth would leave my body fucked to this day, BUT what I had a pretty good idea of is that I'd have a kid at the end of it I'd need to look after for most of every day to come for a long time. I'm pretty sure most mums to be know that too. And as for "slow development", they're not baby giraffes.

You asked for advice and help and I believe that's what you need, just not from a bunch of strangers on the internet. Your words of "useless baby stage" are sad as I've said before and I think you should speak to a professional about this. I have been severely depressed in the past and I didn't wake up and think "oh I'm depressed, best pop along to the GP". If you ask for advice, don't sneer at those who give it. I'm sure you love your kid but maybe you're not loving yourself - or the new version of you - as much as you should be, and some support may help.

@turnthebiglightoff

I had no idea how bone achingly tired I'd be in the newborn stage, no idea how a 4 day labour and instrumental birth would leave my body fucked to this day, BUT what I had a pretty good idea of is that I'd have a kid at the end of it I'd need to look after for most of every day to come for a long time. I'm pretty sure most mums to be know that too. And as for "slow development", they're not baby giraffes.

You asked for advice and help and I believe that's what you need, just not from a bunch of strangers on the internet. Your words of "useless baby stage" are sad as I've said before and I think you should speak to a professional about this. I have been severely depressed in the past and I didn't wake up and think "oh I'm depressed, best pop along to the GP". If you ask for advice, don't sneer at those who give it. I'm sure you love your kid but maybe you're not loving yourself - or the new version of you - as much as you should be, and some support may help.

I’ve sneered at those giving rude advice, which yours is not. I appreciate the depression concern, but I am well acquainted with depression, and depressed I am not.

The language in my initial post may have been a little disconnected and harsh, but I was ripped from semi-sleep by screaming so it happens I guess

It's a lot lot easier when they go to school (depending on whether or not they end up with a younger sibling) but you get proper life back when they're about 9/10. My children are 15 and 10 and I can do what I want now and they entertain themselves for the most part.

[quote boomboomg]@Byallmeans that's just unnecessary. Why do you have to make smart comments like that? [/quote]
Because I’ve just read the entire thread and sympathised with OP but the further I read it just doesn’t sit right with me.

This either isn’t real or OP is completely detached from her son and shouldn’t have anymore

@Byallmeans

Doesn’t seem to be either of those things, but I don’t know how that’s possible? Are there any other options?

Aside from a very sparse couple of comments from militant mums who would rather I... I don’t know what they want... repressed these feelings? Miraculously changed them? - this has been an exceptionally uplifting thread. The knowledge that these feelings are validated and that things improve as they grow (which I’ve suspected) is so warming and helpful. Thanks for those who took the time to support me. We’ve had a nice morning in which he is finally copying ‘Banana’ - “Na Na Na Na” and he’s been giving the floor ‘lovely cuddles’ and I’ve been able to relax a little knowing that the future is brighter.

Well your going to have to fake it till you make it OP. Hopefully your ds won’t notice your dislike for him. Have you spoken to your dh about it? Maybe he can take over more so he isn’t around you as much

@Reubenshat

Well your going to have to fake it till you make it OP. Hopefully your ds won’t notice your dislike for him. Have you spoken to your dh about it? Maybe he can take over more so he isn’t around you as much

Sigh... don’t dislike him. Love him. Have said that. Admitting difficulties is not the same as hating your child. Consider that for the next parent who expresses difficulties. I am thankfully strong enough to ignore it.

Aaaaand here comes the confusion as to why I’m not happy to reduce my life to ‘mummy’ and devote myself fully to another human.

Look, if you’re mentally breaking down the world of other mothers into “ones who are totally happy to lose themselves entirely and become only Mummy” and “ones who hate their life because they can’t” then it’s going to make it tricky for you to get much useful advice from anyone else’s experiences.

I’m sure there are a few women who are happy to lose themselves entirely, but for most of us, no we aren’t. We aren’t just Mummy-zombies with no lives or interests of our own. That is not the price you pay for hammering out some enjoyment of life now, rather than waiting for some distant point in the future when your child isn’t making demands of you.

I think you should talk to your GP or HV, because while you’re convinced you’re not depressed you really do sound like you’re going beyond disliking the baby stage here: you have some very black-and-white thinking, you don’t see any joy in any of your life, you can’t picture a way out. Yes you have dealt with depression before but depression doesn’t always look the same, even for the same person.

But if you won’t do that, then all I can do is share my experiences as someone who really doesn’t like the baby stage (I’m fine with newborns and age 2+) but has found ways to find some joy in that phase all the same.

You have to change what you’re doing now when it’s not working for you. You say that neither you nor your partner feel confident looking after your son alone for long - change that. Tag-team. What’s he going to do with only one parent there? Scream? Oh well, toddlers scream sometimes, some more than others. Build that confidence, give each of you a break.

You have to battle on with adapting things you want to do to doing them with a toddler present, where possible. All-night parties in your house probably not, but a walk in the woods is doable. I know you think it is insurmountably difficult but this comes back to why people are telling you they think you sound a bit depressed. Again, I have been here. Put headphones in and play music to mute the screaming.

You have to try to coax yourself out of the mental mindset of “well I can’t do the things I want, therefore it’s all just going to be shit until the baby can take care of himself.” Easier said than done, but at least start off from the principle of recognising that many others of us have managed to eg take demanding 1-year-olds on woodland walks and find a way to enjoy it, and it’s not because we’re all happy losing ourselves entirely.

You have to let yourself grieve for the things you have temporarily - temporarily! - lost. It is reasonable. Sit and cry about just that if it helps, I have. And then wipe the tears away and say “okay, there has GOT to be a way I can at least snuggle under a blanket with a hot chocolate and a book like that magazine suggested, how do I manage that?”

Again, I think you should speak to someone about PND. But if you really won’t, then I urge you to recognise that you’re not as alone as you thought - lots of us have found various stages hard going, most of us find this age relentless, lots of us have had very screamy/demanding babies - and listen to the people who are telling you they found a way to enjoy more of their life all the same, not write off anyone saying that as unable to understand you and listen only to the voices saying “yes it is bleak and hateful and nothing can ever make it better.”

@GoldenOmber

Aaaaand here comes the confusion as to why I’m not happy to reduce my life to ‘mummy’ and devote myself fully to another human.

Look, if you’re mentally breaking down the world of other mothers into “ones who are totally happy to lose themselves entirely and become only Mummy” and “ones who hate their life because they can’t” then it’s going to make it tricky for you to get much useful advice from anyone else’s experiences.

I’m sure there are a few women who are happy to lose themselves entirely, but for most of us, no we aren’t. We aren’t just Mummy-zombies with no lives or interests of our own. That is not the price you pay for hammering out some enjoyment of life now, rather than waiting for some distant point in the future when your child isn’t making demands of you.

I think you should talk to your GP or HV, because while you’re convinced you’re not depressed you really do sound like you’re going beyond disliking the baby stage here: you have some very black-and-white thinking, you don’t see any joy in any of your life, you can’t picture a way out. Yes you have dealt with depression before but depression doesn’t always look the same, even for the same person.

But if you won’t do that, then all I can do is share my experiences as someone who really doesn’t like the baby stage (I’m fine with newborns and age 2+) but has found ways to find some joy in that phase all the same.

You have to change what you’re doing now when it’s not working for you. You say that neither you nor your partner feel confident looking after your son alone for long - change that. Tag-team. What’s he going to do with only one parent there? Scream? Oh well, toddlers scream sometimes, some more than others. Build that confidence, give each of you a break.

You have to battle on with adapting things you want to do to doing them with a toddler present, where possible. All-night parties in your house probably not, but a walk in the woods is doable. I know you think it is insurmountably difficult but this comes back to why people are telling you they think you sound a bit depressed. Again, I have been here. Put headphones in and play music to mute the screaming.

You have to try to coax yourself out of the mental mindset of “well I can’t do the things I want, therefore it’s all just going to be shit until the baby can take care of himself.” Easier said than done, but at least start off from the principle of recognising that many others of us have managed to eg take demanding 1-year-olds on woodland walks and find a way to enjoy it, and it’s not because we’re all happy losing ourselves entirely.

You have to let yourself grieve for the things you have temporarily - temporarily! - lost. It is reasonable. Sit and cry about just that if it helps, I have. And then wipe the tears away and say “okay, there has GOT to be a way I can at least snuggle under a blanket with a hot chocolate and a book like that magazine suggested, how do I manage that?”

Again, I think you should speak to someone about PND. But if you really won’t, then I urge you to recognise that you’re not as alone as you thought - lots of us have found various stages hard going, most of us find this age relentless, lots of us have had very screamy/demanding babies - and listen to the people who are telling you they found a way to enjoy more of their life all the same, not write off anyone saying that as unable to understand you and listen only to the voices saying “yes it is bleak and hateful and nothing can ever make it better.”

I mean, I hear what you’re saying. Definitely not depressed. I just work hard but don’t play hard or soft, and am finding that difficult, so I asked at what point do I get to do me things. I do go for walks, I visit family (now that I’m allowed) I go for runs, but the two former examples leave me anxious that he’ll kick off because that makes me miserable and the latter, of course, is not fun but for health.

As for the last couple of posts generally which seem to indicate I’m not accepting of the help I’m given, I’d say I’ve taken comfort from almost all the posts here. Obviously, I disagree that I’m depressed (I’d be better placed to judge that than a stranger) and the scattering of posts insisting that I dislike my child or that I am in some way broken are not well received, but at worst I can just shrug them off

I’d say noticeably in the past 18 months DS has become more independent.

He’s 5 and a half, so probably from the age of 4.

He loves to push the chair to the fridge to get the snack out he wants.... he can turn the tv on and choose what he wants to watch. And loves to cuddle in a blanket on the sofa.

He’s a pest and still wanders into our room in the night when he’s baby sister wakes him up! She’s 12 months and is a total Clingon!!

My friends son was born 3 months early and she struggled with pnd, but not until she went back to work and it kind of hit her like a steam train.

That being said I totally get the tone of your thread, we all have the “my child is being a little shit” moment, when we long for life to be easy and relaxing.

I wonder if it would get better for you if you read some child development stuff. It would at least make it intellectually more interesting to find out a bit more about what’s going on beneath the surface.

I really like a book called The Baby in the Mirror.

When my youngest was 3 life got a lot easier. Now she's 5 it's brilliant. I have plenty of time for me now she's at school and spending time with the dc minus buggies, feeds, nap times and tantrums is pleasurable.

From 3 they become so much more independent especially if you encourage it. Funny enough I do look back and miss the younger years even though things are easier now for sure.

This a very sad read. You may have depression and not realise it, so talking to GP might be good.
Otherwise your expectations of parenthood don’t match the reality and you’ve not managed to adapt or find the joy in motherhood. I do wonder if you’ve got your work life balance right; you are away doing non- mothering work three days a week; that is definitely me time. You then want the baby to adapt to your life rather than vice versa.

What stops you going for long walks?
What stops you snuggling up on a sofa with a hot chocolate?
What is stopping you seeing the fascination of someone you created changing on a daily basis?

Your reactions feel very ego centric still rather than the family centric that becomes necessary from conception of an infant. It certainly reads as maladaptive and some form of support might be a good idea. Could you just be exhausted trying to balance work and motherhood? Could you stop work for a while? Spend time knowing and enjoying your child and forging a more positive relationship?
It’s not easy but it’s not meant to be. It’s a huge responsibility. That in itself can be stressful.

Oh and I totally get the phase he is at, my ds used to throw the most almighty tanatums at bed time and that age, he’s cry so hard he’d poop himself 🙈

@Changedmynameagain1

I’d say noticeably in the past 18 months DS has become more independent.

He’s 5 and a half, so probably from the age of 4.

He loves to push the chair to the fridge to get the snack out he wants.... he can turn the tv on and choose what he wants to watch. And loves to cuddle in a blanket on the sofa.

He’s a pest and still wanders into our room in the night when he’s baby sister wakes him up! She’s 12 months and is a total Clingon!!

My friends son was born 3 months early and she struggled with pnd, but not until she went back to work and it kind of hit her like a steam train.

That being said I totally get the tone of your thread, we all have the “my child is being a little shit” moment, when we long for life to be easy and relaxing.

Yeah. I guess I’m leaning toward the ‘hate the baby stage’ angle more because I know four years olds, and I’d be fine spending my day with them. They’re obviously high energy but you can communicate with them and engage in activities with them. I don’t think I’d mind that, so maybe it’s not independence so much (though I would HOPE that a four year old is at the very least a BIT more independent than a 13 month old?????), but rather a need to feel like i can get to know my son more and teach him more through dialogue. Maybe it’ll be speech that does it?

Dts were much easier once they turned 3 and lovely to be around from 5.

@CherryPavlova

This a very sad read. You may have depression and not realise it, so talking to GP might be good. Otherwise your expectations of parenthood don’t match the reality and you’ve not managed to adapt or find the joy in motherhood. I do wonder if you’ve got your work life balance right; you are away doing non- mothering work three days a week; that is definitely me time. You then want the baby to adapt to your life rather than vice versa.

What stops you going for long walks?
What stops you snuggling up on a sofa with a hot chocolate?
What is stopping you seeing the fascination of someone you created changing on a daily basis?

Your reactions feel very ego centric still rather than the family centric that becomes necessary from conception of an infant. It certainly reads as maladaptive and some form of support might be a good idea. Could you just be exhausted trying to balance work and motherhood? Could you stop work for a while? Spend time knowing and enjoying your child and forging a more positive relationship?
It’s not easy but it’s not meant to be. It’s a huge responsibility. That in itself can be stressful.

I’m sorry it’s sad :( I COULD have depression and not realise it, but having had depression before in my life (various obvious factors played a part back then) I know the warning signs well and overall I’m happy with the stability of my life, my work, my relationship and to an extent the idea of the future with this family. I REALLY don’t think I do. I’m just able to have a good time when the opportunity presents itself, which isn’t often but hey ho.

I did definitely initially struggle with taking a family centric view. This was made harder by the abrupt birth and subsequent three month hospital stay, so he’d actually been alive four months before we even took him home. Having said that, my interactions with him are (I am told) full of love and enthusiasm, so who knows? I definitely feel like he’s a part of the family, I just don’t enjoy the specific day to day activities with him. I genuinely believe it’s the baby stage. I spend all day with kids and otherwise enjoy it.

My favourite age with both of mine was three but it got easier when they were around 15 months. Does your partner help much?
The first bit is the worst bit, I agree! Your lucky on the sleep front, mine were both awful.
Covid is making everything harder and bleaker. What can you realistically do in the evenings atm anyway? Baby or not? Could you set up some online games or book clubs with friends?

I totally understand where you’re coming from. They are boring and difficult at that age but it definitely gets easier, so slowly you don’t even realise that it’s easier until you see someone else struggling and thank god you aren’t at that stage anymore.
The thing that helped me was thinking of activities like a trade off. Things like swimming, half an hour in the pool (hated every minute) and then McDs. DS was tired and full and it gave me time to listen to a podcast and chill out at home. Soft plays are also good. I’d also recommend paying for a scheduled day or evening of extra childcare when you’re off work so you can relax. Don’t feel guilty about it either, having child care fall to mum 100% of the time is a new, western thing.