When does life return?

[Sillymummies123]

Please - no unnecessary BS about how ‘life will never be about you again’. I fully believe that children benefit from a parent who has their own life and for whom the child is not their whole world.

On that note - my baby is now 13 months old (was also born 3 months early so we’ve had 16 months of useless, miserable baby time). I was perusing an article between 6am and 6:05am before he started whining to be woken up. The article was about the joys of autumn and it mentioned snuggling under a blanket, long walks and hot chocolate, and I just burst into tears because I don’t see a way for my life to have things like that - relaxation, time for me, a period not spent trying to stop a crawling baby from destroying the house, screaming, just demanding all of me, and being in no way myself anymore. I want a life, and if this was all life had to offer from now I genuinely wonder whether I would even want to bother anymore. I’m not maternally minded, and in fact I can’t really say that, while I love my baby, I have enjoyed ANY of the time we have spent together. As in, I find it draining and boring.

So - the question is: When is life pleasurable again? This will likely correlate with when my child can do his own thing a bit more, and I don’t wake up dreading a day of miserable whining and exhausting placating. When going to a food market, or a woodland walk, or watching a movie under a blanket on a frosty afternoon can resume without the child raising bloody hell.
Thanks

@IdblowJonSnow

My favourite age with both of mine was three but it got easier when they were around 15 months. Does your partner help much? The first bit is the worst bit, I agree! Your lucky on the sleep front, mine were both awful. Covid is making everything harder and bleaker. What can you realistically do in the evenings atm anyway? Baby or not? Could you set up some online games or book clubs with friends?

This makes me consider the mention of work life balance by another poster.

By the time 7pm rolls around, I am shattered and usually only last until 9 before sleeping. In that time, with the hectic day and the very exhausting day of trying to force education into 30 students while also behaviour managing, there is little on my mind but the next day and I have to get prepped for that, both in terms of lunches and clothes etc.

Again - partner and I are working very equitably and flat out (apart from two hours of exhaustion post 7pm - often one of us just lays on the floor)

I found the baby stage very hard too OP. I didn't feel like I was depressed either but I must say that antidepressants took the edge off the misery.

What I will say is that with children of any age you have to make a concerted effort to have time to yourself. It's true that as the kids get older they are more interesting but the spontaneity doesn't come back until they are sort of juniors age, so you have to build in time for yourself to do things you like doing and be ruthless and rigorous about it. You have to take the time from somewhere so it's either less work hours or less family time. At least once a week.

I guess I’m leaning toward the ‘hate the baby stage’ angle more because I know four years olds, and I’d be fine spending my day with them. They’re obviously high energy but you can communicate with them and engage in activities with them.

Well you can, yes, but they're also very demanding in their own ways about what kind of communication they will have and what kind of activities they will engage in.

I definitely found it easier to deal with a 4-year-old than a 1-year-old, but part of that was probably the long hard process over that 4 years of adaptation to doing the things I want and being my own person while still having a child around. You sound like you're waiting for a point when that isn't a thing you have to do at all, because it seems totally impossible for you to find any way to do that right now.

You can go to outdoor markets or woodland walks now. You can. What's stopping you is not the age of your child, it is either depression (which you are absolutely convinced it's not, although by this point do you not think that the number of people suggesting otherwise might not present the slightest of possibilities maybe you're the one who's missing something?) or refusal or inability to adapt your life as a couple to what 'going on a woodland walk' might look like with a toddler present. In which case, it is doable. It is. You have the power to do this now.

@GoldenOmber

I guess I’m leaning toward the ‘hate the baby stage’ angle more because I know four years olds, and I’d be fine spending my day with them. They’re obviously high energy but you can communicate with them and engage in activities with them.

Well you can, yes, but they're also very demanding in their own ways about what kind of communication they will have and what kind of activities they will engage in.

I definitely found it easier to deal with a 4-year-old than a 1-year-old, but part of that was probably the long hard process over that 4 years of adaptation to doing the things I want and being my own person while still having a child around. You sound like you're waiting for a point when that isn't a thing you have to do at all, because it seems totally impossible for you to find any way to do that right now.

You can go to outdoor markets or woodland walks now. You can. What's stopping you is not the age of your child, it is either depression (which you are absolutely convinced it's not, although by this point do you not think that the number of people suggesting otherwise might not present the slightest of possibilities maybe you're the one who's missing something?) or refusal or inability to adapt your life as a couple to what 'going on a woodland walk' might look like with a toddler present. In which case, it is doable. It is. You have the power to do this now.

Yeah... I have to be careful not to misspeak here. We DO do woodland walks etc, but timing it around feeds, sleeps, shouting matches, his own boredom (he doesn’t walk) means that I end up just not enjoying it. Plus, as I say, I’m shattered outside of work and woodland walks of that stressed nature just are not enjoyable or relaxing. And I miss a time when they were, and I need confirmation that they will be relaxing again.

@Sillymummies123

A lot of people are mentioning the benefits of having ‘evenings to yourself’. That’s still, what? 2-3 hours out of the 12 in a day? We also live in a tiny bungalow (trying to resolve this) but his room is through two very poor doors (his is obviously open an inch) and sometimes he stirs in the night when we’re talking quietly. So in terms of ‘enjoying the evenings’ I can’t even do the washing up without him waking, let alone have a party or do some aerobics etc

With the doors, does he have a white noise machine? We have it running all night and I find that helps my two with not being disturbed by household noise. You might feel less anxious if you’re not fretting about waking him in an evening. I found things got easier when I went back to work and felt valued for opinions/skills again, and then much easier after about two when communication gets so much clearer. I had another baby when the first was almost two and a half, and it’s still hard but I know this time around when I can expect things to get a little easier.

The extended hospital stay may be at the root of your feelings. There are well recognised psychological impacts on mother and baby when the infant is preterm or unwell following birth.

We’re you able to stay with the baby?
What support did you have during this time?
What support did you have after discharge?

Separation (which can be reduced ability to parent, hold, feed rather than a geographical separation) has a powerful impact on the bonding process. Add in anxieties about coping at home with a baby that’s been very unwell and your feelings make more sense.

It might not be depression but it still sounds like additional psychological support might be necessary. Do the PICU offer a post discharge support service? Might be worth contacting them. Otherwise do speak with your GP. They could refer for counselling. Try and reduce hours a bit - maybe your GP could sign you off for a few weeks to enable a planned ‘rebonding’ Time and address your exhaustion. Feeling you’re not getting things right is exhausting.

@SBAM

I think you’re right, and I think a lot of my misery stems, as I said, from not having an awareness of one day things being less full-on (whatever people say, I think my version of full on translates to a child that can’t walk, communicate, be taught or reasoned with). I honestly think I would want a second when/ if I get to this point that MANY posters have mentioned of finally really enjoying it

@CherryPavlova

The extended hospital stay may be at the root of your feelings. There are well recognised psychological impacts on mother and baby when the infant is preterm or unwell following birth. We’re you able to stay with the baby? What support did you have during this time? What support did you have after discharge?

Separation (which can be reduced ability to parent, hold, feed rather than a geographical separation) has a powerful impact on the bonding process. Add in anxieties about coping at home with a baby that’s been very unwell and your feelings make more sense.

It might not be depression but it still sounds like additional psychological support might be necessary. Do the PICU offer a post discharge support service? Might be worth contacting them. Otherwise do speak with your GP. They could refer for counselling. Try and reduce hours a bit - maybe your GP could sign you off for a few weeks to enable a planned ‘rebonding’ Time and address your exhaustion. Feeling you’re not getting things right is exhausting.

It has been a rough old ride. I’m very fortunate in that my partner and I are an absolute unit. We both visited daily, but it was just so odd because we’ve no experience of normal babies having never had one. We joked at the time to the nicu nurses that this could very well be ‘normal’ for all we knew (obviously we knew better but you get the gist)

We’ve a wonderful community nurse, and his health is superb compared to most preemies of that gestation, and to be honest I would (and do) resent myself for moaning a bit because we’ve been so lucky with him. Some of his ‘peers’ in his exact situation did not survive, let alone thrive.

DH and I both work full time, there is no family around to support but we still both have time for ourselves and each other. We manage it because we have a nursery with good hours, LO goes down easily and we share the care when not working. I'm comfortable with babysitters but only used one once since the lockdown. Is your DH involved much? We take it in turns to have a lie in day at the weekend and pretty much the other parent takes LO out so the other gets some peace. We also get a break in the day due to a good nap routine so I've been swimming in the sea every Sunday because the nap is so reliable. We're doing work on the house too but we still feel like we have a good balance. I think it's about working together to make sure everyone gets what they need and is happy. Hope you get there soon OP xx

I think to get what you want you need a 6/7 year old. And that will come quicker than you think. When your dc is 2/3 they won’t be annoying in the way they are now, but they can be draining in other ways.

Speaking of having a second... in my experience, having additional children more than sets you back to the beginning again. With each additional child, your life becomes more child-focussed. You might be able to get one child to behave nicely in adult environments - theatre, nice restaurants, adult focussed holidays - but with two or more it’s Centre Parcs and pizza express all the way. My friends who have stopped at one have managed to keep their lives much closer to what they were pre-kids.

@Firstimer703

DH and I both work full time, there is no family around to support but we still both have time for ourselves and each other. We manage it because we have a nursery with good hours, LO goes down easily and we share the care when not working. I'm comfortable with babysitters but only used one once since the lockdown. Is your DH involved much? We take it in turns to have a lie in day at the weekend and pretty much the other parent takes LO out so the other gets some peace. We also get a break in the day due to a good nap routine so I've been swimming in the sea every Sunday because the nap is so reliable. We're doing work on the house too but we still feel like we have a good balance. I think it's about working together to make sure everyone gets what they need and is happy. Hope you get there soon OP xx

Thank you. We do try to give one another a break but I’m one of those people who wakes up once and then that’s it. Can’t nap, can’t lie in if my partner and baby are awake. I’m sure we’ll get there. The house stresses both of us out. We both put an equal effort in but it’s always a disgusting mess. It’s small, cluttered and we have a retriever which doesn’t help.

Yes, some parts of parenting are monotonous. They do get more independent but there are also different challenges as they get older and your time is eaten up in other ways(weekend sports/clubs/swimming lessons/play dates/birthday parties). I don’t think it is realistic to expect a child to get to x age and you will suddenly have all this time to yourself.

The things you mention wanting to do are possible with a baby.
Set aside a time for writing or snuggling under a blanket with hot chocolate, visiting a gallery or meeting a friend at the weekend and your partner looks after your ds, then you can do the same for him.

Take the little one with you on a long walks. Go somewhere where there are things to look at, wildlife, lots of trees, water, other people. Let him throw some food to the ducks, chatter away to him about what you can see, at the end get him out of his pushchair for a little explore. It might not be obvious right now but those things are aiding his development.

I found the baby stage boring too . I really tried to enjoy it (everyone told me I’d miss it when it was done). I like babies, but only for 10 minute stretches !mine are 6 and 4 and it’s easier but the shift is very slow and incremental. I still feel that time is not my own really. It’s less demanding though now. And less boring and exhausting .

@Sunnysideup999

I found the baby stage boring too . I really tried to enjoy it (everyone told me I’d miss it when it was done). I like babies, but only for 10 minute stretches !mine are 6 and 4 and it’s easier but the shift is very slow and incremental. I still feel that time is not my own really. It’s less demanding though now. And less boring and exhausting .

I feel you. I was told I’d miss the newborn stage. And I do, I’d maybe take a ten minute cuddle as right now he screams and writhes and crawls off when I try and cuddle him but that ten minute newborn experience would be my max. I suppose I do ‘prefer’ it now.

Yes, woodland walks will be enjoyable and relaxing again. But you have two routes to achieving that:

1. wait until your child is of an age to trot happily alongside you not being tiring or demanding at all;

2. find a way to make them, and indeed the rest of your life, more enjoyable and more relaxing for you right now, at the stage your child is at now.

3. will happen one day, but 2) can happen much sooner. Working on 2) will also help you speed up 1) because you’ll be able to cope with the demands of say a 4-year-old much easier.

Like I said, I do not inherently enjoy the baby stage, I am not inherently ‘maternal’ by nature (although I now think few of us are in the way I was imagining it, maybe this is the “I’m not like the other girls!” of motherhood.) I was working full time at that age and my God it’s hard. It is just not going to be an easy ride at this point. But it doesn’t have to be relentless suffering either.

@GoldenOmber

Yes, woodland walks will be enjoyable and relaxing again. But you have two routes to achieving that: 1) wait until your child is of an age to trot happily alongside you not being tiring or demanding at all; 2) find a way to make them, and indeed the rest of your life, more enjoyable and more relaxing for you right now, at the stage your child is at now.

1. will happen one day, but 2) can happen much sooner. Working on 2) will also help you speed up 1) because you’ll be able to cope with the demands of say a 4-year-old much easier.

Like I said, I do not inherently enjoy the baby stage, I am not inherently ‘maternal’ by nature (although I now think few of us are in the way I was imagining it, maybe this is the “I’m not like the other girls!” of motherhood.) I was working full time at that age and my God it’s hard. It is just not going to be an easy ride at this point. But it doesn’t have to be relentless suffering either.

Thank you. And I suppose what I needed (and have found) is he strength to know that 1) will happen, so that I can carry on through 2). Obviously if I thought 2) was it, I’d have to power through as well but it wouldn’t be a fab life.

It's given me comfort reading your thread OP. I'm only at 8 months with my daughter and I'm longing to feel like myself again. I miss being able to sleep at night, I miss eating food leisurely at my dining table, I miss going to the gym, I miss so much about my old life and I feel so trapped at times. I love my daughter to pieces but I do miss freedom to keep myself sane!

Has his prematurity impacted his development at all?

Op I’m not saying this to stick the boot in etc but reading through all your posts I’m not sure having another is a good idea at all. I definitely found the toddler stage v tricky and some of your points are just the reality like how can you enjoy anything in your house if you can’t sit for 5 seconds etc....
BUT the fact that your dc is such a good sleeper is a massive bonus, my first was goodish sleeper from 12 months but my second had huge issues with sleep and it took years for them to sleep more than 3 hours in a row...It was extremely difficult on top of what you describe...
You already say how exhausted you are and your work sounds v busy,
if you had a non sleeper it would be a lot worse.
I know that’s really negative but if you’re struggling now and not sleep deprived it could make the situation so much worse believe me.
I’m just being v honest you might be better off not going back and having another and getting through this tricky stage once.
And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not enjoying the stage you’re at. I always laugh inwardly when people go on about how fantastic beaches are with kids.. I’m a total beach bum or was... I wish I thought it was amazing and I have some award winning instagram type pics of rolling waves and beautiful tanned babies. The reality , trying to stop three dcs from drowning every 5 seconds , one of them hates sand..que screaming , another has no concept of being cold so will go blue but want to stay in the water and all the while I know there’ll be a cough or cold the next day (Monday , school, covid....) . It’s sooooooo stressful and yet all I hear about is how much fun it is to spend hours in the beach, like how, how!? I’m obviously doing it wrong and I so want to love it but I just don’t. One example of how expectation vs reality is so off tbh....

@MrsPandigital

It's given me comfort reading your thread OP. I'm only at 8 months with my daughter and I'm longing to feel like myself again. I miss being able to sleep at night, I miss eating food leisurely at my dining table, I miss going to the gym, I miss so much about my old life and I feel so trapped at times. I love my daughter to pieces but I do miss freedom to keep myself sane!

I’ve noticed that, where the change is gradual, the message seems to be that ‘things don’t get easier, they change’. My brother said this (he has a 6 and 9 year old), but then he babysat one night a few months ago and was like ‘I remembered what it was like, the creeping around, the crying... it gets so much better’

I genuinely thought I would never enjoy a Sunday again when DS was the age your DC is. So far this morning I have pootled around doing a bit of housework and am currently curled up on the sofa with DS while he watches Dragon Ball Z and u cross stitch. In a minute we will head to the range to look at curtains and Halloween/Christmas decs. DS and I have been discussing how to make both special if we are still in local lockdown.

We will come home for lunch then go for a walk in the sun, probably at our local NT property. Then just relax for the rest of the day, DS will play in his room for a bit. We will probably play a family game like snakes and ladders. Toad in the hole for dinner.

The thing I love is I no longer have to worry about timings. We just head off to do what we want when we want as there are no naps to worry about and DS is old enough to be flexible about meal times and if bedtime is a bit later it doesn't matter.

@Bupkis

Has his prematurity impacted his development at all?

Initially, yes. Now I’d say he’s consistently 1-2 months behind the average. I was very worried, I’m not anymore, but I wonder if having had a baby for 16 months to reach a delayed 13 monther has something to do with my baby fatigue...

@Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear

I genuinely thought I would never enjoy a Sunday again when DS was the age your DC is. So far this morning I have pootled around doing a bit of housework and am currently curled up on the sofa with DS while he watches Dragon Ball Z and u cross stitch. In a minute we will head to the range to look at curtains and Halloween/Christmas decs. DS and I have been discussing how to make both special if we are still in local lockdown.

We will come home for lunch then go for a walk in the sun, probably at our local NT property. Then just relax for the rest of the day, DS will play in his room for a bit. We will probably play a family game like snakes and ladders. Toad in the hole for dinner.

The thing I love is I no longer have to worry about timings. We just head off to do what we want when we want as there are no naps to worry about and DS is old enough to be flexible about meal times and if bedtime is a bit later it doesn't matter.

I wept a couple of tears of relief and happiness at this. How old?

I think CherryPavlova's post is spot on.

Mine doesn't cuddle loads and half an hour of tv is about his limit. Do you make sure your LO gets loads of exercise? Most of the things we do are physical like long walks or trips to the beach. When I have him at home it's much harder to keep him entertained because his attention span is quite short. I often tend to do jobs and get him involved. He loads the washing machine, carries it out to the drier, does the hoovering & dusting. He loves it! For reference, my DS has just turned 2.