When does life return?

[Sillymummies123]

Please - no unnecessary BS about how ‘life will never be about you again’. I fully believe that children benefit from a parent who has their own life and for whom the child is not their whole world.

On that note - my baby is now 13 months old (was also born 3 months early so we’ve had 16 months of useless, miserable baby time). I was perusing an article between 6am and 6:05am before he started whining to be woken up. The article was about the joys of autumn and it mentioned snuggling under a blanket, long walks and hot chocolate, and I just burst into tears because I don’t see a way for my life to have things like that - relaxation, time for me, a period not spent trying to stop a crawling baby from destroying the house, screaming, just demanding all of me, and being in no way myself anymore. I want a life, and if this was all life had to offer from now I genuinely wonder whether I would even want to bother anymore. I’m not maternally minded, and in fact I can’t really say that, while I love my baby, I have enjoyed ANY of the time we have spent together. As in, I find it draining and boring.

So - the question is: When is life pleasurable again? This will likely correlate with when my child can do his own thing a bit more, and I don’t wake up dreading a day of miserable whining and exhausting placating. When going to a food market, or a woodland walk, or watching a movie under a blanket on a frosty afternoon can resume without the child raising bloody hell.
Thanks

I have one that is very demanding. He’s 3. There are things you can do such as long walks just pick a route that’s pushchair friendly. A lie in consists of me laying in bed and him watching the iPad next to me. I take a snack and drink up at bedtime so I don’t have to get out of bed. Open air museums or farm parks are great.
The toys do get more interesting once they get past 2, I’ve built some lovely railways and farms. Definitely pick some toys that you will enjoy playing with.
It is an adjustment of expectations and finding joy in different things in life.

I truly felt I had my life back when dd1 was 15. That’s when I felt free again. But I did something daft and had two more when dd1 was 18

You sound really down and fed up. Life looks bleak when your in that slump.

It gets easier bit by bit. Dd3 is nearly four now and she’s well out of the baby stage. I can have a good conversations with her. We spend a lot of time out of the water on my paddle boat. She is very good at eating in restaurants. She will get in to bed for cuddles whilst I have a cup of tea.

The key for me is to plan things with my friends. Nights away, spas, meet ups and that gives me balance and something to look forward too.

Holidays were much better by the time she was three. We picked holidays where there was lots of children and I could sit with a nice glass of wine watching them. There is light at the end of the tunnel - just make sure you find time to be you again and not mummy.

Dont have another one. I have a nearly four and seven year old and whilst they are good kids it’s relentless sometimes.

I want to thank you all today for your words.

It is indeed hell, and - as I’ve said - with no idea of what happens when, it just feels like I’m going through the motions, not enjoying it.

People seem to either not understand, or say that they hated the baby phase too... I guess it’s to each their own. All I know is that at the moment I don’t really understand why I’m doing this - everyone says it’s so hard, and my reaction is - why do people have babies then? I think once I see that he will grow, talk, etc, I’ll understand. Right now I know that he’s just not developed enough to choose to piss on me if I was on fire, even if he knew how to. It’s inconceivable to me how we get from where we are now to a little person.

For me there wasn’t a switch when things suddenly improved, it was gradual. Found up fo 18 months pretty awful but better when I went back to work full time at 4 months and 5 months.
From 18 months it get interesting and each stage is better. My 4.5 year old is amazing - he’s like my little buddy - chatty, fun, enjoys trips out.
My 20 month old is starting to talk well and that is a huge turning point for me

Oh, yes - the ‘don’t have another’

I have to admit it makes sense. I’ve resented most of this journey thus far.

However, there are a few points. I’ve always wanted a child (not EYFS age). I’ve always wanted more than one child. I still want a child, I think. But I HATE having a baby. I’m about 90% certain I’ll love it when he’s older. I’m also sure I don’t want an only child. So therefore I must take a gamble soon, condense the misery into the early years, and then they’ll grow up together and life will improve OR I wait, double check that life does improve, and then just as he becomes bearable, another baby waltzes onto the scene.

Tricky decisions eh

I really think that this feeling of despair and that nothing can ever make it better - which you must know isn't logically true, of course he'll get older even if you find it hard to imagine - isn't normal in the way hating the baby stage is; I say that not to make you feel bad but to try and encourage you to get some help. Do you have concerns about his development after the prematurity (or otherwise)? Is that while you fear he'll never become a little person? You also seem to resent him so much for being a baby; again, I'm not trying to say that to make you feel guilty but because to me it flags up that you need a bit of help.

On that note - my baby is now 13 months old (was also born 3 months early so we’ve had 16 months of useless, miserable baby time). I was perusing an article between 6am and 6:05am before he started whining to be woken up. The article was about the joys of autumn and it mentioned snuggling under a blanket, long walks and hot chocolate
I thought you were going to talk about smart meals out and clubbing . Not autum walks and hot chocolate...why on earth can't you do those with a one year old. When I had a one year old that's what my life pretty much consisted of ? Some of it is about havimg the right kit, all terrain buggy (that they can sleep in) wellies for both of you, good waterproofs. I'd be depressed if I couldn't go for a woodland walk, but why do you think you can't ?

Sorry typing in bed loads of typos but hopefully you get the gist....

Mostly because I return exhausted from the walk, need a shower, then have to coordinate undressing (he screams), feeding (he refuses), entertainment etc. Plus he tends to wait until we’re a decent distance from the car or whatever and then start screaming (I struggle with the sound. I think it’s misophonia)

Ah and you can still do the same stuff (once covid goes away), it’s just different. We get regular babysitters so we can go out in the evenings abs occasional ones during the day so we can go to rugby match/concert etc.

We’ve travelled with ours since they were tiny. Long and short haul. We try to get hotels with a kids club/nanny so we get a break too, or take my parents so they can watch the kids whilst we go scuba diving.

We took our kids to Glastonbury when they were 5 month and 3.5 and had a ball.

Do you have friends with similar aged kids? It really helps when you can just chuck them all in the garden to play and open a bottle of fizz!

I understand the problems many have with PND (not sure I agree with the blanket statement that it’s due to chemical imbalance - neurochemsitry js influenced by your experiences also, so environmental factors also play a part).

Like I say - I’ve been depressed before, I’m not now. More... tired and fed up of monotony and not YET seeing why I’m putting all this effort in.

I have a demanding job, like I say, so I don’t really feel I have much more energy to give at home. I can’t really enjoy home because he’s work, and I’ve got to think ahead to lesson plans / marking anyway, so ‘relaxing and becoming a “mummy”’ doesn’t feel much of an option.

I think if you really have zero interest in babies, devote most of your waking life to one for 16 months, then my reaction doesn’t really go beyond “just hating the baby stage”

What would need to change for the walk to give you pleasure ? Does he walk or is he in his buggy all the time?
How long are you trying to walk for ( 30-40 minutes tended to be my DCs limit).?
Why do you think he screams ? Hungrey? tired? frustrated ?
Fimally and this should probrably have been first are you doing this with a mate or your partner or all alone ? (alone is tough).

I don't think anyone can answer your question as it varies so much from family to family.

For me, the baby, toddler, primary school years were a complete joy. Lovely friends, outings, picnics, walks, creative activities. The teenage years however .... (I don't want to scare you)!

@welshweasel

Ah and you can still do the same stuff (once covid goes away), it’s just different. We get regular babysitters so we can go out in the evenings abs occasional ones during the day so we can go to rugby match/concert etc.

We’ve travelled with ours since they were tiny. Long and short haul. We try to get hotels with a kids club/nanny so we get a break too, or take my parents so they can watch the kids whilst we go scuba diving.

We took our kids to Glastonbury when they were 5 month and 3.5 and had a ball.

Do you have friends with similar aged kids? It really helps when you can just chuck them all in the garden to play and open a bottle of fizz!

Fully my philosophy!

Unfortunately one side of our family is disinterested and the other basically believes that going out / away without your baby is wrong.

@WildWaterSwimmer

I don't think anyone can answer your question as it varies so much from family to family.

For me, the baby, toddler, primary school years were a complete joy. Lovely friends, outings, picnics, walks, creative activities. The teenage years however .... (I don't want to scare you)!

I teach teenagers - give me one over this ANY day!

Getting a lot of partner questions - we are completely equal in everything we do. Neither of us feels particularly confident trying to handle him for extended periods alone, we both work difficult jobs, we tend to deal together (and even then we struggle with house, meals, getting anything done)

You still haven't answered re your partner.

Tag teaming is the only way. At the weekend when you're both off work, you split the time in 2. You get a full morning or full day totally to yourself. Go to Starbucks or up a hill and write. Meet a friend and talk about everything except children. Return the favour for your partner.

You mentioned in your OP trying to teach the baby to talk and walk. Don't bother! They learn by themselves. They hit milestones in an age range not a specific age. Just chill out.

These are the hardest years. Honestly. It can be soul destroying at times, but that's ok. You're allowed to feel stuck and exhausted and bored. A small toddler is never the best company, but you have to adapt and survive until they get to the stage you talk about above. Lower your expectations. Acknowledge that this is temporary. You will get to do all the things you enjoy again. In the meantime, try to see the good bits in every stage. And trust nursery a bit more - he'll be learning all kinds of things there. You honestly don't need to spend every waking hour feeling like you have to be playing with coloured blocks. And finally, lose the guilt. Not every mum is 'maternal'. I'm not. That doesn't make us bad mums or mean we love our children any less.

Do you have a partner? Only the way you write it sounds as though the baby is solely your responsibility. If you do have a partner and they don't work away etc I think this might be a conversation you need to have somewhat urgently - you sound as though you are burning out with no time for yourself, this is a need, not a want.

Baby screaming is particularly intolerable, you have my sympathy there! Some of them seem to despise being a baby and it gets a bit easier once they can have the independence their tiny little hearts desire :o

I would recommend aside from the partner issue to have a look at some of Janet Lansbury's stuff - you can absolutely free yourself from this idea that you need to teach him to walk, talk, eat - he will learn to do these things by himself and it will probably be less stressful for you if you can let go and enjoy the process of watching him figure things out for himself, rather than feeling that you have to lead it (because that will be stressful when he doesn't do it to the timescale you think he should or in the order you want him to).

This is quite a good one. You can listen or read. I tend to listen while doing something like hanging up washing. Reading you can skip the parts which are irrelevant to you e.g. the sibling stuff.

www.janetlansbury.com/2020/04/5-ways-parents-can-make-their-lives-easier-right-now/

@ArtemisBean

These are the hardest years. Honestly. It can be soul destroying at times, but that's ok. You're allowed to feel stuck and exhausted and bored. A small toddler is never the best company, but you have to adapt and survive until they get to the stage you talk about above. Lower your expectations. Acknowledge that this is temporary. You will get to do all the things you enjoy again. In the meantime, try to see the good bits in every stage. And trust nursery a bit more - he'll be learning all kinds of things there. You honestly don't need to spend every waking hour feeling like you have to be playing with coloured blocks. And finally, lose the guilt. Not every mum is 'maternal'. I'm not. That doesn't make us bad mums or mean we love our children any less.

I need this.

Like I’ve said - I just have no experience of what the future holds. I know, logically, that he will grow up, but having never seen it I just can’t use it at motivation. And then I worry that I’m hating it, that my life will be miserable forever because I’m not enjoying it. Regular reminders that it will improve as he grows do help. But my brain soon forgets them.

I think your use of the word "useless" is desperately sad and yes, you should talk to someone.

Hi Op,
Sorry to hear that you are having a hard time. Honestly it gets so much easier so hang in there!!
I found the tiny baby bit really easy but totally hear you on the age you are at now, I found the stage of not being able to sit still for even 5 seconds sooooo draining. The toddler stage was so difficult.
I’m also such a homebody and enjoy pottering about etc and being able to chill or do a task like baking for a while or reading etc..
For me 4 years plus was a big difference. Me and my dh have absolutely no practical help from family but we swap around a lot so I’ll go for a run or a coffee or sit in the bath etc and then he can do something. We have three dc too so very full on. Recently I was in huge pain with a complication after a tooth removal, I hugely noticed the difference now that my youngest is three, I was able to snuggle up on the couch with them all happily watching a movie and my 6 and 9 year old totally got it and were so lovely to me and knew that I needed to rest. I’ve had days of being ill with under 3’s and it was so incredibly difficult and I felt like you , is this ever going to be easier. I also had very , very active dcs so the minute I turned my back one of mine would be climbing the walls or trying to unlock the front door or pulling something down and I just found that sooooo draining. It will get easier , you are in the really full on stage where they don’t play for long and need huge amounts of input. Also prob not what you want to hear but mine all play together and when my youngest was that age he was distracted by his siblings so again one is very intense. If you have a partner can you swap over a bit? Even sitting in the car somewhere with a book or magazine?

Also play to your strengths. I’m shit at crafts and floor play so he does that stuff at nursery. I love the outdoors so we spend weekends walking, at the park, going to farm parks, playing in the woods. My eldest was great on a balance bike by 2 and a pedal bike at 3 so that opened up more opportunities to do stuff. I find my kids much harder work in the house than outdoors.

Maybe you need to manage your time better at work? My sister teaches secondary and gets most evenings and weekends to herself but works like a fiend when she's there. As a primary teacher myself I've found it nigh on impossible to do this, but I know lots of people who manage better with it than I do. Or maybe drop to four days a week? Then your evenings after bedtime are your own.

School id say. Unless there is no sleep routin. Make that a priority for the family.

It then unravels at teen age. This has been the hardest in my view. Only toddlerhood was on this level.