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Original poster

My MIL bit my son

202 replies

Yorkymidge · 08/07/2020 17:36

Hi, looking for some advice.

I’ve had to go back to work and had to work away last night, so i left my son (17 months) at my MIL’s as my mum is ill and shielding. Me and my MIL have a very on-off relationship, which i have kept to myself and not let that colour my son’s relationship, or my partners with her. She has always had equal rights in comparison to my mum. We haven’t seen my parents since before lockdown, and only seen her once last weekend because i knew he was going to have to stay with her last night. So bare in mind apart from that, he hasn’t seen her in a long time. When i picked him up this afternoon, she told me he’d bit her in anger (very rarely bites) so she’d bitten him back, so he smacked her so she smacked him back and kept smacking him when he stopped smacking her. I’m not an over-protective parent but i’m livid. At the time, i didn’t say anything, i just stared at her because i thought my partner had heard, turns out he didn’t because it was loud. But now i wish i had, i’m so mad. Is my vision just coloured or do i have a right to be mad? I feel like if i wouldn’t do it as his mum, then nobody should. He’s a very switched on little boy and knows when he’s done wrong, he knows to say sorry and give cuddles and kisses and is generally well behaved. I’m stuck with how to take this.

TIA.

OP posts:
Greenfloors · 08/07/2020 21:48

I'm so sorry, what an awful situation. OP I really feel for you.

Unfortunately I've been in a very similar position and I would suggest that you document this incident. I mean send a text message to your MIL, include your husband in the group chat and spell out exactly what has gone wrong, why her behaviour is unacceptable and what the consequence is. Or of course your husband could do the sending but either way make sure you're all included.

In the future if there any doubt that you were trying to be dramatic and over reacting you'll have the evidence to refer to in the text message.

Notfeelinggreattoday · 08/07/2020 21:54

Op your mil response says it all and i don't blame you for keeping your son from her , when she doesnt appear to even be sorry
Plus he's 17 months really too little to be fully understanding what he his doing and i am sure a firm no and like you say putting him down if holding him etc is enough for him to stop
Plus he isnt her child so she needs to follow whatever you do
Notmally nans / grandmas are the ones sneaking the kids chocolate pr letting them say up late etc, going to nans should be fun , my parents said they enjoyed grandchildren more than there own as get all the fun bits and donT have to be the ones to tell off etc

Floralnomad · 08/07/2020 21:57

Bollocks is it a generational thing , I’m in my 50s and my mum was 20 yrs older than me and we never went around biting babies or slapping them for that matter.

gamerchick · 08/07/2020 22:14

You could ring the police. She's assaulted him and admitted it.

Otherwise she doesn't get him anymore on her own.

My now ex friend bit back once, except she did leave a mark. She nearly lost her kids because of it. She also had no remorse.

Sexnotgender · 08/07/2020 22:24

I have a 17 month old, he’s a BABY. I would never let that lunatic near my son ever again if it was me. Awful 🙁

surreygirl1987 · 08/07/2020 22:27

I'm horrified. That's not a generational thing... that's an abuse thing. I didn't read the entire 8 pages I'm afraid but please please never leave your children with her again.

saraclara · 08/07/2020 22:28

@Floralnomad

Bollocks is it a generational thing , I’m in my 50s and my mum was 20 yrs older than me and we never went around biting babies or slapping them for that matter.
No-one said that everyone of that generation did it. But it was very common advice, and quite a few would. In 30 years time people will talk about your generation doing things differently from what the norm will be then. But it would still be a generalisation because there's nothing that everyone does the same when it comes to child rearing.

I'm 64. I never hit or bit my children, but I heard many people advise it or admit to it when my kids were small. And when I was a child virtually every child would be smacked and biting back would be close to the norm.

Spidey66 · 08/07/2020 22:34

Your baby is a baby and can't/doesn't know right from wrong. She's an adult and does. Ok she needed to put boundaries in place and gently tell him off, but really?

I don't have kids but if I did I'd be fuming in your shoes.

Callingallskeletons · 08/07/2020 22:38

Good for you OP!

You’re right you cannot dictate your partners behaviour and if he chooses to forgive her down the like etc but you are making the correct choice for yourself and in protecting your DS

What a horrible situation for you (and DS) to have been in

Bluebellbike · 08/07/2020 22:47

I'm 60.I was smacked as a child. I hated my mother for it and vowed I would never hit my children, which I didn't. If the OP's mother in law is 50 it's not a generational thing.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 08/07/2020 22:51

At 17 months hes a baby who is only just learning the word no and awww that hurt granny
I'd be pleased that she was so up front and honest about it I suppose is a positive to salvage
If you have to have her as baby sitter your husband needs to have tough word with her
Sorry your mum is poorly

Floralnomad · 08/07/2020 22:58

@saraclara, obviously advice on how to rear children changes over the years for example when my first baby was born you started weaning at 16 weeks . Slapping and biting children is abuse , it’s always been abuse and only abusive parents would advocate or condone it in any generation .

Icanflyhigh · 08/07/2020 23:00

She bit a 17mth old baby? Actually bit him, and admitted it?
Not only would she NEVER be seeing my child again, she would also be on the receiving end of a visit from the local police for child abuse. MIL or not. Fuck that.

OhCaptain · 08/07/2020 23:01

Ffs will you all stop with the generational shite.

Even if biting was excusable because of a generational thing, how do you explain her continuing to hit him??

StuffThem · 08/07/2020 23:01

Just remember OP, no matter what she things or how much minimising she does, she physically abused your son.

Icanflyhigh · 08/07/2020 23:02

Dogs bite and they get put down for it. I am shocked.

WingingItSince1973 · 08/07/2020 23:03

My grandson was bitten by his father at 8 months old. Social services took him to court and he now has no contact. This is abuse. Shes an adult and should never hurt your child.

saraclara · 08/07/2020 23:06

When I was a child people would have laughed at the idea of smacking being abuse. They really would. And no-one would dream of reporting anyone for biting (gently) back if a toddler bit them.

When my children were born (the eldest is 34) no way would I slap them. But I knew plenty of parents who slapped their children. Now it's almost unheard of.

I totally don't excuse what this GM did, but saying the police should be called is silly. She was open about what she'd done, not hiding abuse away. She doesn't get it yet.

Having said that, the update that she had not accepted that she was wrong, is worrying. And no, I wouldn't let her provide childcare again.

crosseyedMary · 08/07/2020 23:10

She said that it was her way, and that’s that
blimey, she see's herself as an all powerful matriarch
she's the Empress and you peasants just have to put up with it Shock

now you've got years to get your own back...enjoy!

SusieOwl4 · 09/07/2020 00:18

@saraclara

Totally agree . It’s the lack of remorse plus thinking she can discipline someone else’s children as she wishes that is very telling.

Jullyria · 09/07/2020 03:11

This reply has been deleted

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randomer · 09/07/2020 08:47

if they're not normally a biter

17 months and being labeled a biter? What is he an Alsation?

Sunnydayshereatlast · 09/07/2020 10:07

Just remembered my mil was looking after our dc. Told ds(under 10) in front of dd she would slap his face if he didn't behave.
She didn't watch them again - I didn't confront her as dd was worried I was dropping her in it.
Just found a babysitter and paid her.

Rosebel · 09/07/2020 12:29

I have just remembered that about 20 years ago there was a little boy at a nursery where I worked who would bite.
We used to dread dad picking up as if his son had bitten that day his dad would bite him (even if the biting had happened hours ago). It didn't help and carried on until his son was about 3.5. Always felt sorry for him.

grey12 · 10/07/2020 17:16

This is a very tricky situation... first instinct is to say never let your MIL near your kid again. Somehow I don't think that is viable. It wouldn't be in my family.

However I wouldn't let her unsupervised! Ever again!