My MIL bit my son

[Yorkymidge]

Hi, looking for some advice.

I’ve had to go back to work and had to work away last night, so i left my son (17 months) at my MIL’s as my mum is ill and shielding. Me and my MIL have a very on-off relationship, which i have kept to myself and not let that colour my son’s relationship, or my partners with her. She has always had equal rights in comparison to my mum. We haven’t seen my parents since before lockdown, and only seen her once last weekend because i knew he was going to have to stay with her last night. So bare in mind apart from that, he hasn’t seen her in a long time. When i picked him up this afternoon, she told me he’d bit her in anger (very rarely bites) so she’d bitten him back, so he smacked her so she smacked him back and kept smacking him when he stopped smacking her. I’m not an over-protective parent but i’m livid. At the time, i didn’t say anything, i just stared at her because i thought my partner had heard, turns out he didn’t because it was loud. But now i wish i had, i’m so mad. Is my vision just coloured or do i have a right to be mad? I feel like if i wouldn’t do it as his mum, then nobody should. He’s a very switched on little boy and knows when he’s done wrong, he knows to say sorry and give cuddles and kisses and is generally well behaved. I’m stuck with how to take this.

TIA.

WOW

An adult bit a 17 month old child then hit him and then kept on hitting him after he stopped hitting her!

That's a child protection issue - it's abuse! I would not trust that woman with any child. Clearly unfit to look after her grandchild.

She had a total lose of control and kept hitting him. That is awful. 17 months old! I would report her if I knew who she was. Next time could be worse - where will she stop?

My thoughts are with you OP. I really feel for you. A horrible situation to bein.

This is horrific to read. I have a 7month old son and if my MIL did that to him, that would be it, no more contact.

My mother hit my DD when she was 5 (had done on 3 other occasions and would just say it was my DCs own fault as she had had a tantrum in the shop and people were looking so a smack was the answer.. I was hit as a child and it bothered me.. I know others will say a smack never did them harm, but it did me.. Told mother time and again not to hit DC. When visiting She would also say oh how the little cow today, is she being a bitch... After my dad died 3 years before she became this utter nasty, bitch.
My DC wetted the bed for a week and was very clingy after she was hit the last time.My mother denied it time and again then I stood up for myself after a week and told her to fuck off and never speak to me again. A few days after she sent flowers saying she was sorry for everything. I left them outside her door with a letter telling her what she did was abuse.
She died earlier this year (my DD is now 10 and I dont care that she died. I know this may sound horrible but she hurt my child when she should have been someone who protected her.

He's 17 months old. 17 month old babies are not willfully naughty, he bit for a reason or for sensory pleasure, he did not bite to hurt her. She, on the other had, has admitted to deliberately biting a baby to inflict pain or for the shock factor and she then went on to smack him. Repeatedly. That is not OK. she would never have sole charge of my child ever again.

she just brushed it off and said “well he’ll definitely never bite me again”

Hopefully because she'll never be alone with him again.

Revoke her "equal rights" with your DM, she doesn't deserve them.

The child bit first so if they were dogs in that situation the child would be put to sleep.

When she was 12 a horse bit my sister she bit it back on the nose, never bit her again.

I'm DEFINITELY not saying it was OK, but it was quite a common thing for parents to do when my adult children were little. I definitely remember people talking about how their toddler bit them so they bit them back etc.

Thank goodness it's seen as something way out of the ordinary these days.

I'm not sure how old your MIL is and that would be helpful to know BUT it CAN be a generational thing.

I am a child of the 1950s and I know my Mum's generation believed that a bite was 'controlled' by biting back, not hard but to show it hurt. In fact I can remember her saying that so and so had been bitten by her child and had bitten them back to 'teach them and they never did it again.'

Not excusing her at all, but if she is over 65, it might have been a 'thing' she did or had done to her.

I agree it is a generational thing .our parents would have done that and we were smacked occasionally ( have a good relationship with them though and no lasting bad affects ) But things have changed . And your husband must make that very clear to her . You said your son was happily playing with her and there is not a mark on him and she told you what had happened so it is up to you and your partner how you move forward . Do you trust her not to do it again if she is told not to ?
It does sound like she lost control and that is worrying .

Interestingly an acquaintance of mine (my age) did this to her toddler dd when she bit her. The idea was to:

• show her it hurt,
• show if you hurt people they might hurt you back.

Totally stupid approach. It attributes motives to a young child they just don’t have and also assumes they can learn a complex lesson. The only thing your ds will have learned is that adults bite and smack too and that it’s ok.

I wouldn’t go to the police but that would be the end of unsupervised contact for me. It’s a totally fucked up and mindless approach to discipline.

Don't shame the op for not reacting
^this

@cdtaylornats You're not seriously comparing a defenceless baby who is learning and not deliberately hurting people to a vicious dog or horse, are you?
Really?

Is your dh an only dc? I would be warning others she is abusive.

Poor, poor child, I feel sick.

She admitted that she kept on smacking him?

One of my children suddenly bit hard on my toe and in pain and on instinct I slapped them away, but to keep smacking him?

I wouldn't calm down before talking to her. Your DH should call her now while he is raging, if he has calmed down tell him to imagine your tiny child being smacked, again and again.

She absolutely cannot be unsupervised with the child again. She obviously thinks it is right is she told you about it in term,s of how 'naughty' he was, and she simply cannot be trusted.

Oh, and PPs who keep repeatng this: no it is not 'generational'. Plenty of people from the last two generations (60 yos and 80 yos) never did this, and plenty of people do it now. Which generation do you think campaigned for the end to hitting children in schools and homes??

@InfiniteSheldon

This is a generational thing we were told to do this with dc that bit obv do it gently but let them know it hurt. Always seemed awful to me but I do remember lots of parent did this.

Yes. It was common advice back in the day. Wrong headed obviously, but of course there'll still be people around who think it's okay because that's the advice they were given. If your son was okay with her when you picked him up, I'll assume that her actions were at the gentle end of things.

I'm not for a moment excusing her, but this should be dealt with by a strong conversation and and strict rule that it must never happen again.

It shouldn't be a case of her never seeing your child again though. You and your husband can sort this and make it clear that her belief is very outdated and is now considered abuse.

It’s really REALLY bad that she did this.

Unfortunately I’m not 100% surprised. My MIL believes in this as a strategy - my DH was apparently a biter when he was little, so she bit him back to show it hurt..... She never had my DD on her own until my DD was nearly 3 and was past biting/hitting (and we’d been EXTREMELY clear to MIL about our feelings on punishment)

You need to be really REALLY clear on your feelings about this. You can’t leave your child with her if she thinks this is acceptable. It’s up to you (and how desperately you need the childcare) whether you cut contact right down. Do you trust her not to do it again, or is she the sort to ignore your wishes and just not tell you?

To be blunt op you fail your dc if you ever leave him at her hands again...

Nope. Never alone with him again. And tell her why in no uncertain words, though calmly. This is absolutely not acceptable.

My Mum is 89.

I am 62.

Never in a million years would my Mum, or my grandmother, or any of my aunties, or friends parents, have ever bitten them, or smacked them repeatedly. Yes, doubtless many did, but it is not a blanket 'generational' thing.It is no excuse. And older generations are not blanket 'generational' child abusers.

@StopGo

What has your DP said about his DM doing that your child? He should be dealing with his mother.

No, they should BOTH be dealing with it. No way would I sit back and keep quiet when someone, anyone bit and hit my child. They need to show a united front with this one. She's absolutely forfeited any future time with your DS and that's that. She did this herself.

I hate when people say it's generational like that's an excuse. I'm 53 and my parents never laid a finger on me and both of them said nor did their parents to them either.

Is she a Labrador puppy in disguise?

I'm glad your DH is horrified as well. Do you have to use her for childcare ?

My parents (born in the 50s) used to smack me on the legs when i was a much older child. They wouldnt have done this to a small child. A lot of people i know smack children and bite back.

My mother used to hit me as a child. As I got older she hit me harder and with things, hairbrush, wooden spoon etc. If she has that mind set to hit then she will not stop - she thinks it is ok.

I have a very strained relationship with my 'mother' now. I never hit with my hands or objects. It's horrible and taught me just to be scared of her. It ended when I took the hairbrush from her and hit her back with it and told her if she ever hit me again I would hit her back. Sad that I had to do that to make it stop. I dislike her now. I so wish I had a better relationship but I didn't - hitting me meant I didn't trust her.