My MIL bit my son

[Yorkymidge]

Hi, looking for some advice.

I’ve had to go back to work and had to work away last night, so i left my son (17 months) at my MIL’s as my mum is ill and shielding. Me and my MIL have a very on-off relationship, which i have kept to myself and not let that colour my son’s relationship, or my partners with her. She has always had equal rights in comparison to my mum. We haven’t seen my parents since before lockdown, and only seen her once last weekend because i knew he was going to have to stay with her last night. So bare in mind apart from that, he hasn’t seen her in a long time. When i picked him up this afternoon, she told me he’d bit her in anger (very rarely bites) so she’d bitten him back, so he smacked her so she smacked him back and kept smacking him when he stopped smacking her. I’m not an over-protective parent but i’m livid. At the time, i didn’t say anything, i just stared at her because i thought my partner had heard, turns out he didn’t because it was loud. But now i wish i had, i’m so mad. Is my vision just coloured or do i have a right to be mad? I feel like if i wouldn’t do it as his mum, then nobody should. He’s a very switched on little boy and knows when he’s done wrong, he knows to say sorry and give cuddles and kisses and is generally well behaved. I’m stuck with how to take this.

TIA.

17 months! What was she thinking? You should definitely tell your husband, and then he needs to have the conversation with her. You’ll just be painted as the overreacting DIL otherwise.

I'm little torn, I think you first need to get more info from her.

When did was about 2.5 she bit me, she was told off and when she had calmed down we talked about how it really hurts. We put her finger in my mouth and I pressed my teeth gently against her skin to show her that it can hurt...she wasnt hurt in any way and no marks etc were left. It wasnt done in anger at all. She learnt that it was uncomfortable and could hurt and she never did it again.

If you MIL has done similar and just phrased it badly going in guns blazing might not be a good idea.

The smacking I don't agree with at all, but again when did has hit and kicked we have talked later and gently tapped her to make her realise that it can hurt so she understood why we were cross with her.

I think it depends on what she actually does. If she full on bit him hard and slapped him with force and anger then it would be game over. In an educational "this is how is can feel, you wouldn't like that done to you" way then I might be more forgiving

My dm smacked me but as crappy a dm as she was no way would she have raised a hand to my dc.
I am a dgm and would not dream of hitting my dgc and he has been a nightmare dc!

Op have you considered that this may not have happened and MIL is lying to you for a reaction? Possibly hoping you’ll report her to SS or the police and it’ll cause you to split up with DP for some sort of sick twisted reason?

These replies are interesting. My brother was a biter until my mum bit him back (gently... not to really hurt him).

It stopped this behaviour.

Neither of my daughters have ever bitten so I've never thought about this issue before.

Yep, my mother did this to me when I was little. She loudly proclaimed it as a parenting victory for years.

We are not close. She was and is all about power and control, a narc.
There is no excuse of it being a generational thing in my mind. My dad never bit me.

I would not leave your MIL alone with your son ever again.

To be so blase over it makes a shit situation even worse. I wouldn't trust her again. She'll do it again but probably not admit it.

You and OH need to be on the same page here, protecting your dc. She needs to know this isn't on. Toddlers bite a lot out of frustration, it's not a naughty or malicious thing.

@tara66

Where did anyone mention skin being broken ? When people did it it was a controlled pressure and the idea was to make the child know what it felt like . My parents did it to us if we bit . Not that it happened hardly at all . I never did it to my children and I certainly would never discipline my grandchildren in that way .

Why don’t we let the OP come back and let us know what her DH decided to do .

The child as far as we know had not a mark in him so I think they now have to think about how to move forward .

My mum used to advocate the same.
“You bite back so they know it hurts” was the theory.
Obviously bollocks and we know better now.

Mumsnet is a weird place sometimes. I can see why so many 'go NC'. This really wasn't acceptable, nobody should bite or hit but as several posters have said, this is a generational thing. I imagine there will be parental behaviours now that parents are so smug about and proud of, being shuddered over by future generations.

I really like Ibake's post, so measured and reasonable, as were several other posters too. I feel sorry for the OP because not only must she contend with this tricky situation with her MIL, she has to listen to the judgement from quite a few posters on this thread who just can't resist trying to make her feel a bit worse.

As for the posters comparing MIL to a dog who would/ought to be put to sleep. Engage a brain cell or two perhaps?

If I were the OP, I'd hide this thread and never open it again. Ugh.

This was definately a "thing years ago, "if they bite you, bite them back"

I would be annoyed, purely at teaching them that the correct response is too hurt someone back.

I wouldn't believe she did it with the intent to hurt, but more to shock, i would still wipe the floor with her, as its unacceptable. I wouldn't need my DH to do that, im capable and would want to make my point and lay down my boundaries and ground rules.

I wouldnt go NC and i definitely wouldn't waste the polices time.

I would make it very clear thats not how we are raising them, so get with our way.

Where are you OP? Smacking (and ergo biting) a child is illegal in Scotland and must be reported to the police

Agree with those who have said that older people are more likely to think smacking/biting back is OK. Anyone with experience of toddler twins will tell you that getting bitten does not make a child any less likely to bite others! They can't connect the two things at that stage.

How old is MIL? If she hasn't seen DS for a while he has probably got faster, more mobile and developed stronger opinions since she last babysat and she may have found this hard to handle - toddlers are much trickier than babies for someone who isn't used to them. I don't think it's something to go NC over but if you want her to look after him again she will need not only clear boundaries but to know how you handle biting, smacking etc at home so she can be consistent.

This is not worthy of ss or the police or going nc. As others have said this is how some people discipline/d their DC.

They chose to do that to their own dc, not that it makes it any better.

You really dont think a fully grown woman, in charge of her thoughts and actions biting, then repeatedly striking a baby isnt worthy of any repercussions? What would you do if some woman came up to your child in the supermarket and hit them a few times because your child hit them at the age of 17 months. My guess is that you would call the police rather than excuse it as a generational thing.

Wow, what the fuck.
I wouldn't let her be unsupervised with him again if I were you.

You should never physically discipline someone else's child. (Or any child in my opinion but I know it's not illegal in England yet).

@laudete

I will add my weight to the "generational thing" argument. (Although, I'm surprised your MIL is old enough for it to apply.) I have heard of the biting thing, as a very old-school parenting technique. But, it's super old - like putting alcohol on gums to lessen teething pain. Stuff that no one does these days. It's more... great-grandmother than grandmother stuff.

I guess you'll have to find some way to modernise her parenting methods or accept you can't leave your child with her alone again.

Ha ha - you just made me feel ancient, @laudete - I was given a teeny glass of brandy to dab in my mouth for ulcers when I was at primary school! (I’m 48, which admittedly makes me no spring chicken).

Does brandy work for ulcers, MadCatLady? I've never tried that, just that awful Bonjela stuff.

Generational thing!? I don't buy it. My parents certainly never bit me. My grandparents would have been horrified at the very idea of biting my mother. My mother was born in the 50s.

OP, what you have described above is child abuse. There's no dressing it up any other way.

You must not leave them alone together again. Some people do think this is the way to deal with it but of course they're wrong. I would think twice about cutting her off if she really hasn't done anything like this before. But her days as a care giver must be over.

It's a generational thing.

I'm actually shocked how many people are saying this and recounting similar situations.

Like a PP, I'm in my 60's and have never been hit/beaten either by my parents or grandparents. Never mind being bitten. I never heard of it happening to any friends either. I do remember one friend at about the age of 8 saying her dad took a belt to her at times....

God OP, you must be horrified. Obviously you can never leave him unsupervised with her again.

Im 45 and plenty of parents did this even when i was little
In years to come people will probably consider time out damaging etc nut for now we do it as it works and we think its right
Thats what people did then maybe not everybody but a lot
Speaking to mil and then judging reaction is how i would handle it , of she is good in every way normally

And it def was done by a lit as on this thread, some people still smack others don't
Some use naughty step others hate it

Wow, i’m overwhelmed by your responses.

Firstly, no i wont remove the thread, i’m not embarrassed to ask for opinions and i wont settle for being mum-shamed for my reaction. As i have explained, i was shocked as to why she was casually telling me this like it was normal, and also that my partner hadn’t reacted, only to later find out that he hadn’t heard. I’m ashamed that i didn’t say anything, but now i’ve had chance to gather my thoughts and speak to my partner and my mum, i will be doing.

To answer some of your questions, my son is 17 months old and is quite advanced in every area expect speech (i previously worked in nurseries so studied the eyfs) he has problems with his throat, so even though he should only really be beginning to talk now, he stays mute. But because he’s advanced in other areas, this leads him to become frustrated. He has only ever bitten twice, both occasions have been on me, out of his frustration because he’s struggling to communicate.

About halfway through lockdown, he began to struggle, i believe this to be due to lack of getting out or seeing anyone, as many kids have suffered. He started hitting and every time he did, we sat him down calmly and explained to him what he did was wrong. He does understand, calms down, cuddles and kisses to say sorry. This has been discussed with my MIL many times as she saw him hitting when we were on facetime to her, so she is more than aware of our “disciplining” techniques. Generally, he’s a very sweet and caring boy, he is very clever but as with every child, he does get frustrated, it’s normal.

The main reason i posted originally was because of the “generation” thing. My MIL is only 50, so it shouldn’t be the case, but she has always said “i bit (my partner) once hard and he never bit me again”, i have always said that i don’t agree with it, so yes, she does know. My partners parents split up when he was a baby, he was abused my his dad so mainly grew up with his mum, he’s close to her because for most of his life it was just him and her, hence i didn’t want to cause friction.

By saying this, it didn’t mean that i was tolerating her hitting and biting my son, i was meaning that my partner basically has no other family and for him it would be heartbreaking to lose a relationship with his mum.

I am not making “excuses” for her behaviour. I have a zero tolerance for violence, especially against my son and it breaks my heart to know that he’d of been upset in that scenario when his mummy wasn’t there. I only wanted advice and to hear if there were any similar stories.

My son is fine now. He is happy, playing, laughing etc and there is no sign of a mark. My partner is about to call his mum now that he has calmed down, to make our points heard.

Thank you to those that have been respectful.

All those saying it's a generational thing, imagine if that was your child? Would it just be a generational thing then?
Slightly concerned that people are trying to excuse this behaviour when you see other threads on here where parents go up in arms over much much less.