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Original poster

My MIL bit my son

202 replies

Yorkymidge · 08/07/2020 17:36

Hi, looking for some advice.

I’ve had to go back to work and had to work away last night, so i left my son (17 months) at my MIL’s as my mum is ill and shielding. Me and my MIL have a very on-off relationship, which i have kept to myself and not let that colour my son’s relationship, or my partners with her. She has always had equal rights in comparison to my mum. We haven’t seen my parents since before lockdown, and only seen her once last weekend because i knew he was going to have to stay with her last night. So bare in mind apart from that, he hasn’t seen her in a long time. When i picked him up this afternoon, she told me he’d bit her in anger (very rarely bites) so she’d bitten him back, so he smacked her so she smacked him back and kept smacking him when he stopped smacking her. I’m not an over-protective parent but i’m livid. At the time, i didn’t say anything, i just stared at her because i thought my partner had heard, turns out he didn’t because it was loud. But now i wish i had, i’m so mad. Is my vision just coloured or do i have a right to be mad? I feel like if i wouldn’t do it as his mum, then nobody should. He’s a very switched on little boy and knows when he’s done wrong, he knows to say sorry and give cuddles and kisses and is generally well behaved. I’m stuck with how to take this.

TIA.

OP posts:
endlessginandtonic · 08/07/2020 20:06

I'm in my mid 40's and biting dc back was definitely a thing growing up.
My parents didn't do it, although my dad smacked us.
It isn't a thing now and your MIL needs to know this.

Don't worry about not jumping straight in with talking to her, it can take time to process stuff and work out what you want to do.

endlessginandtonic · 08/07/2020 20:06

I'm in my mid 40's and biting dc back was definitely a thing growing up.
My parents didn't do it, although my dad smacked us.
It isn't a thing now and your MIL needs to know this.

Don't worry about not jumping straight in with talking to her, it can take time to process stuff and work out what you want to do.

BabyLlamaZen · 08/07/2020 20:08

This is disgusting. How dare she bite your child. So so wrong your poor child.

BabyLlamaZen · 08/07/2020 20:10

You also have to think why your child bit her in the first place if they're not normally a biter. Your mil method is to overpower and control them which is not a good way to bring them up .

Notfeelinggreattoday · 08/07/2020 20:13

@Someone1987 we were not saying ok just explaining that why mil may of thought it was and op says normally very loving etc with her son and she obviously thinks its ok (mil) as she told op quite openly
If it was my child i would be upset but i would speak to her and see her reaction and decide from there

Notfeelinggreattoday · 08/07/2020 20:13

@Someone1987 we were not saying ok just explaining that why mil may of thought it was and op says normally very loving etc with her son and she obviously thinks its ok (mil) as she told op quite openly
If it was my child i would be upset but i would speak to her and see her reaction and decide from there

CloudyGladys · 08/07/2020 20:18

Actually the “kept on hitting“ is more concerning.
The biting back, although wrong, was a controlled response. If you told her not to do it again, why, and what to do instead then she probably wouldn’t do it again because she was in control when she did it.

The "kept on hitting" implies a loss of control. She couldn’t cope with a young child's behaviours (not misbehaviours) and had no other strategies to employ. You could tell her not to smack or hit your child but, if she were in the same situation again, she probably would react the same way or, if she remembered not to smack, she would use a different physical response Instead. Chances are that this would escalate each time as well.

This beyond "punishing" MIL. You and DH are responsible for keeping your child safe. This means no unsupervised access until you are confident that his behaviour is not going to trigger a physical response from her. That might not be for many years.

PeppermintPasty · 08/07/2020 20:19

Shit, she’s only 50?! Ffs! I’m 51 and my post above was about being bitten by my mother as a child. She’s in her 80s now.

In no way on this earth could you excuse a 50 yo on the basis of it being a ‘generational’ thing!
Wow, she is an idiot and should know better!

randomer · 08/07/2020 20:25

I recall from playgroup days the biting back thing. It's pathetic and abusive and wrong.

I think sometimes parents get ground down and dont always get it right. This person has absolutely no excuse.

GabsAlot · 08/07/2020 20:34

i agree about the kept on hitting thing -just why would someone do that

she could well agree she was wrong and still do it again though

PurpleButterflyAway · 08/07/2020 20:36

That is child abuse, plain and simple. The only point you should be getting across is that she will never be alone with your son again, otherwise you are placing your mute baby in the hands of an abuser who is unable to tell you it’s happening - and you know damn fine she’s not going to tell you if she’s hit him again now!!

Original poster
Yorkymidge · 08/07/2020 20:36

UPDATE:

My partner just had a heated discussion with her. He tried explaining his points, only for her to have an attitude and say it was her way of dealing with his behaviour. He told her that she knows how we show him not to bite, her reply was “i’m not going to put him down a million times for him to keep doing it. At least this way, he’ll never bite me again” my partner explained that it wasn’t her choice and that if he was behaving that badly, she should’ve called us and we would have come picked him up. She said that it was her way, and that’s that.

I have previously had a problem with my MIL for her telling me how to parent. To me, it is now clear that it’s her way or no way. That conversation has infuriated me more, as there was no apology or remorse, it only showed me that it was intentional and likely to happen again.

In this case, myself and my child will have no contact until remorse is shown. Only then will she see my son, under my supervision at all times until he is old enough to make his own decisions. My partner is currently mad, but will no doubt forgive his mum later down the line. He’s a grown man and it’s his choice who he sees and what he does, but it will no longer be with us unfortunately. She’s made her bed so she can lie in. I will not have someone pretend to love my son so much, but be capable of that no matter what friction it causes.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 08/07/2020 20:38

Good for you OP , sick to your guns whatever your partner decides to do .

Disfordarkchocolate · 08/07/2020 20:40

I hope your husband sticks to this. His mother assaulted you baby. To me that's unforgiveable, would he forgive a nursery worker for this?

StopGo · 08/07/2020 20:48

@Megatron you make a valid point.

randomer · 08/07/2020 20:52

if he was behaving that badly

Somebody behaved badly and it wasn't the 17 month old.

labyrinthloafer · 08/07/2020 20:53

Flowers sorry it came to that, but not really sure what else you can do, if your mil doesn't accept that she was in the wrong.

Hope it doesn't cause too much drama.

GabsAlot · 08/07/2020 20:54

good for you op-in a way its better that she showed her true colours now you dont have to feel guilt over not seeing her

User8008135 · 08/07/2020 20:59

Good for you OP. Hopefully your husband will keep having you and your son's back.

Welcometothe36to40Box · 08/07/2020 21:03

@imamum21 Hmm

The poor woman. That's a ridiculously extreme and disproportionate reaction. Sort your head out

Welcometothe36to40Box · 08/07/2020 21:04

@JimLovellismyHero I'm sorry but it wasn't your MIL who traumatised your children and caused them separation anxiety..........

Iverunoutofnames · 08/07/2020 21:13

Biting back doesn’t work. When DD was 2 there was a few weeks where they wouldn’t all stop biting each other in nursery. I had to sign an incident form most nights as either she had been bit or she’d bitten someone else. They didn’t care, it was just a game to them. She told me gleefully in the car who’d bit her one day. (The nursery had to do so many many time outs and separating them all from each other to get it to stop).

Biting back is a ridiculous out dated punishment. It’s the kind of thing my MIL used to tell me to do. She also used to go on about newborn babies being ‘manipulative’ as well and how they needed ‘breaking’.
I didn’t leave DC with her until they were 5.

GarlicMcAtackney · 08/07/2020 21:33

Do you trust that your boyfriend will keep the child abuser away from the baby? For the years it’ll take before the child can defend himself from her? That there’ll be no ‘but it’s her birthday/xmas’?

MulticolourMophead · 08/07/2020 21:36

CAlling this a generational thing does not mean all of that generation did this.

I was born in the late 60s. My parents didn't do this, in fact, I rarely got smacked as my dad had been physically abused by his violent father growing up and dad hated to do this to his DC. They used other methods of discipline, as did my mum's parents. They didn't use physical violence to discipline either.

In this case, I could understand the bite and a smack, and if it had been that controlled then maybe the MIL could have been receptive to her son's concerns.

But it's the open admission of uncontrolled smacking, and the lack of remorse that would push me into NC.

MulticolourMophead · 08/07/2020 21:44

The main reason i posted originally was because of the “generation” thing. My MIL is only 50, so it shouldn’t be the case, but she has always said “i bit (my partner) once hard and he never bit me again”, i have always said that i don’t agree with it, so yes, she does know.

I missed this originally. I'm a couple of years older than her, and the idea of biting back to stop further biting was beginning to die out with our generation. I had my DC in my early 30s, and I don't know of anyone who advocated this as a discipline method. She's just abusive.