My MIL bit my son

[Yorkymidge]

Hi, looking for some advice.

I’ve had to go back to work and had to work away last night, so i left my son (17 months) at my MIL’s as my mum is ill and shielding. Me and my MIL have a very on-off relationship, which i have kept to myself and not let that colour my son’s relationship, or my partners with her. She has always had equal rights in comparison to my mum. We haven’t seen my parents since before lockdown, and only seen her once last weekend because i knew he was going to have to stay with her last night. So bare in mind apart from that, he hasn’t seen her in a long time. When i picked him up this afternoon, she told me he’d bit her in anger (very rarely bites) so she’d bitten him back, so he smacked her so she smacked him back and kept smacking him when he stopped smacking her. I’m not an over-protective parent but i’m livid. At the time, i didn’t say anything, i just stared at her because i thought my partner had heard, turns out he didn’t because it was loud. But now i wish i had, i’m so mad. Is my vision just coloured or do i have a right to be mad? I feel like if i wouldn’t do it as his mum, then nobody should. He’s a very switched on little boy and knows when he’s done wrong, he knows to say sorry and give cuddles and kisses and is generally well behaved. I’m stuck with how to take this.

TIA.

@Yorkymidge don't feel bad for not saying anything, to be honest this is big and probably best to gather your thoughts. You would have been a bit stunned I think.

What a horrible shock.

I am glad your DH doesn't just think it was ok!

Yup

No more babysitting

We found out a while ago that my MiL had hit my dd.

We’ve been no contact ever since. Other things contributed to that, but this was a biggie.

She managed to recently get into contact and demanded “for my birthday. I WANT to see MY grandchildren”

We laughed, and blocked her.

Not sure how she managed to get past our blocks

I'd question your judgment if you even though about letting this women near your son again.

Honestly? It's ok to not let her see him without you there.

It really is. I did this with my own mum as she was not a great parent, so she could see my children but only when I was there too.

It's ok to say it's not ok.

I would be wondering why he bit her ‘in anger’ to start with that would make me think perhaps there have been issues before ?

I read this with my mouth open. This is abuse. If your son was old enough to be at school and to disclose that this happened this would immediately be a safeguarding incident. Your son is a very young child and she bit and hit him?! How dare she. I wouldn’t leave my child alone with her again.

Despicable behaviour from your MIL.

You can't leave your son with her again and you have to tell her why. This is not you causing a rift. She did that!

Stand up for your son, it's what your dh should be doing too. What a shit day.

I would pretend I was ok about it, text her about it, get her to admit it, then take it to the police, since she didnt leave a mark. She wouldn't be getting within a mile of my kid ever again either.

The violent bitch attacked a 17 month old for testing boundaries, instead of reiterating that smacking and biting isnt good behaviour, she has shown him it's ok to do that.

The thought of an adult biting, then repeatedly hitting a baby is sickening.

Dont upset yourself with your reaction op, you were likely in shock, it's what you do from here that matters. Hope your ds is ok.

Well they say dogs bite for a reason.

I would be considering mil has smacked him before..

And def would be deciding that was his last visit..
And either dh agrees to your ds never seeing her or you report her to ss and the police.

Had you discussed discipline with her ?
People used to regularly bite children back that bit ( obvioulsy not hard ) but thats what people did and the same with smacking
She prob did do to your dh when he was little and he wont remember
Not saying she is right but it is a generational thing and before anyone looked after my children I made it clear what as considered allowed and what we did for bad behaviour so it was consistent, although on saying that although my nan would of been of that generation she wouldnt of done what you described to my children as grandparents normally softer with grandchildren and a firm no from them is enough
Many people so still use smacking as a punishment off mn , but i dont know many who would smack someone else's child
I would say something to her and then go from her reaction , but until older enough to tell you what happens not sure I would leave him with her again , unless she seems mortified and you can geniunelly trust her to not overstep boundries again.

This is terrible!
Why did your ds bite her in the first place? What did she do to make him angry enough to bite?
There is no malice in a 17 months old. They either bite to play or because they have sore teeth. Not sure they would bite someone on purpose to hurt them.
And the smacking... your MIL is batshit. And the fact she just told you is even more weird.
I'd hobestly drive back there and ask for an explanation. Then tell her she's not seing ds alone ever again and your not sure when you'll be confortable seing her again.
I'd also keep a record of it just in case.

Really it is quite unbelievable someone thinks this is an acceptable way to discipline any child let alone a 17 months old

She's not have my dc unsupervised again

I would call the police. Marks or no marks. Its assault.

My MiL actually told me to do this to my son and I told her in no uncertain terms exactly why I wouldn’t.
I’d like to think it’s maybe a generational thing but then you say she never did this to your DH (my MiL most certainly would have to my DH)?

They'd never see my child again. Simple as
I don’t agree with this as an immediate reaction but I wouldn’t leave her unsupervised with him again.

Consider that if your MIL was a dog she could be put to sleep for assaulting an infant. That's probably not possible in the case, but it does put it in context.

No further time with the baby obviously.

she is a lunatic

This is what people used to do to their kids years ago. I’m amazed it still goes on. Your child is not capable of being ‘ naughty ‘ at his age. I’d be absolutely furious, no way would she be baby sitting again. Your DH needs to handle it.

I know of a mum who did this and the child told his nursery teacher. SS ended up involved. As far as I know there was no mark and it was done in a “that’s not nice, see how you like it” kind of way.

It’s hideous, no way would she be seeing my child again. Alone or not

This is a generational thing we were told to do this with dc that bit obv do it gently but let them know it hurt. Always seemed awful to me but I do remember lots of parent did this.

She always acts like my son is the best thing ever and that she loves him so much
what she means is she feels as if she owns him and she can do what she likes to him:(

appalling, I'd fucking bite HER (not really but I'd feel murderous)
dont blame yourself for not saying anything when people do really shocking things sometimes you do sort of freeze, it's an instincive defense mechanism

She BIT and repeatedly HIT your baby?!

And you said nothing?!

I’m appalled.

she never laid a finger on my partner when he was a child

That he consciously remembers now.

Well, she wouldn't be seeing my child for a long time! Poor little mite.

You need to put your foot down here and decide what is best for YOUR child, regardless of relationship between your partner and his mother. You will never 100% trust her again.

I would t be allowing her to ever look after him again, he’s a baby ffs, no no no