My MIL bit my son

[Yorkymidge]

Hi, looking for some advice.

I’ve had to go back to work and had to work away last night, so i left my son (17 months) at my MIL’s as my mum is ill and shielding. Me and my MIL have a very on-off relationship, which i have kept to myself and not let that colour my son’s relationship, or my partners with her. She has always had equal rights in comparison to my mum. We haven’t seen my parents since before lockdown, and only seen her once last weekend because i knew he was going to have to stay with her last night. So bare in mind apart from that, he hasn’t seen her in a long time. When i picked him up this afternoon, she told me he’d bit her in anger (very rarely bites) so she’d bitten him back, so he smacked her so she smacked him back and kept smacking him when he stopped smacking her. I’m not an over-protective parent but i’m livid. At the time, i didn’t say anything, i just stared at her because i thought my partner had heard, turns out he didn’t because it was loud. But now i wish i had, i’m so mad. Is my vision just coloured or do i have a right to be mad? I feel like if i wouldn’t do it as his mum, then nobody should. He’s a very switched on little boy and knows when he’s done wrong, he knows to say sorry and give cuddles and kisses and is generally well behaved. I’m stuck with how to take this.

TIA.

I have known parents to do this. Also very normal for 17 month old to bite. But what is your mil teaching him??

OMG I would report her to the police! That is indefensible on all levels!! Please never make your baby see her again

I had a run-in with my MIL when she threatened to put pepper on DD’s tongue for saying something (it couldn’t have been a proper swear word, she’s never sworn. I knew what was said at the time but it escapes me). She told DD she’d done the same to her children. DD was terrified and MIL was a bit taken aback by my reaction - I think she genuinely thought this was normal behaviour.

Absolutely outrageous. I honestly don't know how you didn't go crazy. She would never be left unsurprised with my child again, if it was me

And why on earth did she keep smacking him after he stopped smacking her?

A smack for a smack would be equally out of order but to keep smacking him?

Don't shame the op for not reacting.

Shock is a weird thing, and she obviously was in shock. Being told that like its nothing and her dh not reacting (only finding out later its because he didnt hear it) sounds pretty surreal, no wonder it took a while to sink in.

Report it to the police. It is assault. In no way is it reasonable to inflict deliberate harm on a toddler. That is child abuse. Never mind "he did this so I did that". It is completely irrational to continue to smack a toddler until "he stopped" doing whatever it was he was doing.
Your son will have been bewildered, scared and probably quite sore. The police are duty bound to investigate. She might think twice about how she casually explained to you how she assaulted your son when the police turn up at her door. I would be expecting an unreserved apology, a sincere "it will NEVER happen again" and supervised visits from now on.
Sorry this happened.

Kids of this age do bite sometimes, in an experimental way. Mine did anyway. But adults shouldn't bite back, or hit back. Is it possible she did it in a playful way rather than in a way that would hurt? I'd ask her again, and with less background noise, what she meant and why she did it before I took any major decisions.

Oh god what an awful scenario I bet he was crying whilst she was doing it.

Prepare what your going to say and ring her. Absolutely brook no argument from your partner. This is the time you stand your ground. Both of them can get to fuck if they have a problem with how your feeling

Friction? You don’t want to create friction?!!!!

What would you do if she bit or hit you? What would DP do if she bit you? Well she did that to your baby. Your small defenceless baby.

She’s an awful human being. If you don’t create friction you’re failing your son and he only has you to stick up for him.

I’d unleash hell.

I remember watching my mum do this to my sister who must have been about 18 months, so I was 5 and a half. I remember feeling shocked and frightened. I’ve recounted this to mum since and she says she did it to all 3 of us and we never bit again. I suppose my parents were of that era, they smacked us occasionally too. No lasting damage but not something I have repeated with my children.

What’s important to me now is that DMum never suggested I do this to my children when they went through bitey phases. I know with absolute certainty that she would never do it herself to my children either. Times change, thankfully.

I would discuss with her when calm and her reaction would tell me everything I needed to know about whether I would let her look after my child again.

It’s a generational thing - doesn’t make it right, of course. Your DH needs to explain to her that the world of child-rearing has moved on and it is no longer considered acceptable to react to a child in that way. Ever. And see how she reacts to that.

I don’t think my mum ever bit me, but I definitely had my mouth washed out with soap once (for teaching my little brother a ‘rude’ rhyme) - I don’t think that is standard practice any more either. Attitudes have changed a lot in one generation! I totally understand why you are shocked, though.

She bit and smacked a 17 month old baby repeatedly?! what the actual fuck did I just read?
She’d never be allowed anywhere near my kid again.
I am genuinely shocked anyone would do that.

Op it's probably good you didn't say anything. She'd just turn it into you 'overreacting'. This needs to come to her as a very clear message from your DH. He will have to talk to her and explain that you ( both) won't tolerate it and that she won't have unsupervised access again. If it comes from him she may realise.

A right to be mad!?
I’d have absolutely obliterated the cow

How the fuck does she think she has the right to lay a hand on your child?

Honestly OP (and I genuinely mean this not in a dramatic off the cuff way) I would never allow my child to be alone with them again, in fact it would be a very long time before they even laid eyes on them again

Time to start looking at alternative childcare because really could you ever happily relax with him there again?

I'm with @Notfeelinggreattoday on this. I suspect I'm older than a lot of you as my children are grown up which means my parents, and their discipline methods, are older still. She probably was doing something that generationally was considered acceptable. My son was a biter and I remember my mum telling me 'bite him back, I did that to you and you never did it again'. I don't remember her doing it, my children adored my mum and she loved them to bits. We did however have a conversation about why I wasn't going to do that to him and that times had moved on since then.

For me what would be more important is what happens now. If you are able to have a conversation with her, tell her how horrified you are and that it is making you question her role in your child's life and she reacts appropriately then it is possible you can move forwards. If she is of the 'never did me any harm' brigade then you know you can't safely leave your son with her alone again. We are all judging on here by today's standards (rightly so) but it doesn't mean we can't educate and talk to previous generations.

When we know better we do better.

My father bit me when I bit my baby sister. It was always retold with much hilarity, “and you certainly never did that again!” I got smacked a lot too. Sadly it is a generational thing although that doesn’t excuse it. Plenty of my friends the same age were never smacked and certainly not bitten!

For that reason I will never leave my DC unsupervised around him, and don’t see him very often either.

Also don’t allow this to pass whilst anyone “calms down” get her told now

I disagree with most of the posters here, especially about calling the police. I think you should call her and explain why it wasn't OK what she did, that you won't tolerate it in the future and that she won't be watching your son alone any longer until you deem her trustworthy again.

Nope, I wouldn't accept that. I understand you were shell shocked to begin with, I would be too if I was you! However she does need to be told sooner rather than later that she can't do that, and that she will not have any unsupervised access to your DS. Personally I would cut her out of my life, but as you say your MIL has a good relationship with her son (your partner) So I don't know how feasible that would be. If she DOES have to stay in your life then every time MIL sees your DS, you MUST be present. Even if that makes her uncomfortable or pisses her off.

Good luck. Keep calm and composed when you next speak to her. Make it known if she ever does that again to your DS you will call the police. He is only 17 months FFS!

I don't agree with smacking (or biting FFS) and didn't smack my own child but some people think it's still ok.....you wouldn't hit your friends or work colleagues so why hit a child?

BUT......she is of a generation who genuinely believe it's the way to teach a child not to do it again. It hurts if I do it to you, so you will understand kind of thing. I don't agree with this but I think it's generational thing.

I think you should just calmly talk to her and tell her it is NOT OK and do NOT do this again. This is not how we teach our child not to bite and hit.

I'm sure that she probably bit him gently, not a bloody great chomp but obviously it still doesn't make it ok. I would be mad as hell too but I def wouldn't call the police. If you talk to her and she disagrees, then would be the time to think about not seeing her again imho.

She would never see my child again. Ever. Supervised or not.
To be honest, I'd be contemplating calling the police on her for repeatedly assaulting a 17 month old.

The fact that she kept smacking him even after he stopped seems to me like she has no self-control.
A lack of self-control and a baby makes a dangerous situation.

I don't know how you haven't killed her. I would go absolutely ballistic. Fuck the relationship, there is no relationship anymore.
Your husband wants to see her? Fine, if he's happy with what she's done. You and baby? Never again.

Old or not. You do not retaliate and bite/slap a baby.

my partners mum hit my child and didnt see her again, its now been 10 years, that was the first and last time she watched my child

My MIL traumatised my DC when they were 5 years old when we weren't there. My DH refused to confront them because he was afraid it would 'upset them'. I was livid.

It was the first nail in a coffin that led to me falling out of love with my DH. He didn't support me when I needed him to.

My MIL was never alone with my DC ever again. I immediately went NC. Eventually my DH realised how serious it was and went LC, but the damage to our relationship was done.

This was 20 years ago. My DC was so traumatised at the time they had awful separation anxiety for 2 years afterwards. It was (no exaggeration) the worst thing I've had to deal with as a parent. I actually considered a psychologist to help my DC recover their confidence because it was shot to hell.

OP, you must do what you think best, but you do need your DH to stand up for you.