My MIL bit my son

[Yorkymidge]

Hi, looking for some advice.

I’ve had to go back to work and had to work away last night, so i left my son (17 months) at my MIL’s as my mum is ill and shielding. Me and my MIL have a very on-off relationship, which i have kept to myself and not let that colour my son’s relationship, or my partners with her. She has always had equal rights in comparison to my mum. We haven’t seen my parents since before lockdown, and only seen her once last weekend because i knew he was going to have to stay with her last night. So bare in mind apart from that, he hasn’t seen her in a long time. When i picked him up this afternoon, she told me he’d bit her in anger (very rarely bites) so she’d bitten him back, so he smacked her so she smacked him back and kept smacking him when he stopped smacking her. I’m not an over-protective parent but i’m livid. At the time, i didn’t say anything, i just stared at her because i thought my partner had heard, turns out he didn’t because it was loud. But now i wish i had, i’m so mad. Is my vision just coloured or do i have a right to be mad? I feel like if i wouldn’t do it as his mum, then nobody should. He’s a very switched on little boy and knows when he’s done wrong, he knows to say sorry and give cuddles and kisses and is generally well behaved. I’m stuck with how to take this.

TIA.

Bloody hell, she'd not be looking after my child again.

It's a generational thing. I've heard it said by older people that the best way to stop a child biting is to bite them back. Presumably your MIL thinks that also applies to smacking.

Your dh needs to tell her that times have changed and these things aren't actually legal anymore. I realise that typing that is easier for me, than it is for you to actually get him to say it though.

Am sorry this has happened. Some people have really awful attitudes to children.

I cried reading this (but I'm in hospital away from my baby) I just can't get over how an adult would assault a baby. Also worrying she doesn't care or think it was wrong. If she'd been crying her eyes out and apologising for her behaviour then it would still be wrong but at least she'd admit her behaviour was wrong.
She would not be seeing my child for a long time and never alone (or at least until he's about 18).
I'm glad your LO is okay but that's beside the point. Very low contact from now on.

She's never see my DC unsupervised - if at all - ever again.

When my DS was three he started to go to a nursery attached to the local primary school.DS bit another child one day. We were beyond mortified. Spoke to the teacher at pick up and apologised to the other parent. Walking through the playground the HT called us over and said 'probably not politically correct to say this but when you get home bite him back and I guarantee he' ll stop biting'. DS never went back.

If I don't lay a hand on my child no one else gets to either, she'd never ever baby sit again and I'd be telling her why! I'd go very low/ no contact tbh

Firstly get some facts by having a calm discussion with her before you make any rash decisions and have your husband present. Lots of older people still believe that biting back a biter stops them doing it...i know you said your son is usually well behaved but you don’t know how he behaved on that occasion children do bite and in fairness it can really hurt. I’m
not at all saying what she did was right it wasn’t but she obviously didn’t do it hard or there would be marks on him?

Regarding the smacking ask her how hard she smacked him? Again no marks ...but does she fully understand you have a no smacking policy, as it just a tap on the hand? personally I would have made this clear to any family babysitting. She smacked him more than once and you do need to address that with her as well as the biting!

Good luck i hope it doesn’t go nuclear ☢️ and ruin whatever relationship you have left with her!

She lost her temper and retaliated in a gross abusive way. She has serious issues. This is not normal.
I had this happen to a child I was teaching. He showed me a bite his mum had given him because he bit his sister. We called social services.
This is very serious she sounds out of control. This is not normal behaviour.

HI i agree with @trebletheclef - it's a generational thing. My DS bit me when he was a toddler and frustrated and didn't have the words to explain his emotions. He didn't bite anyone else. The number of older relatives who said 'bite him back, not hard and he won't do it again' was amazing. There was also a view that I should let him fall / hurt himself then he wouldn't do silly things again. I made it quite clear that this was not acceptable and my DS would not be left unsupervised with them if they thought this was an appropriate thing to do.

I'm trying to imagine myself ever doing this to my DGS and unsurprisingly getting nowhere, I think you have to be wired wrong to think this is any sort of acceptable response to a toddler biting you.

What you do next is going to depend on how your DP decides to deal with his mother, I hope you won't have to do much other than back him up in ensuring she never gets near your DC again but I know it's not always that simple.

If you have to be the strong one then so be it, just keep reminding yourself that your son's safety comes a million miles ahead anyone else's feelings and you won't go far wrong. We'll be here for support if you need it

I used to run a child care center, and we would occasionally get a toddler that liked to bite. The solution that worked the best for us was to safety pin a washcloth (I think you call them flannels there?) to the front of the childs shirt. We would then pin some on ourselves and demonstrate biting the cloth. So when a child looked about to bite, we would remind him/her by biting the cloth and that way they got the feeling out of their system without hurting anyone. I never heard of anyone biting a child back and if anyone at work ever did such a thing they would have been fired, and prosecuted.

I can remember my mum biting my sister when my sister bit me. I've no idea of ages but I'm 41,mysister is 40 and my mum is 67

I will add my weight to the "generational thing" argument. (Although, I'm surprised your MIL is old enough for it to apply.) I have heard of the biting thing, as a very old-school parenting technique. But, it's super old - like putting alcohol on gums to lessen teething pain. Stuff that no one does these days. It's more... great-grandmother than grandmother stuff.

I guess you'll have to find some way to modernise her parenting methods or accept you can't leave your child with her alone again.

Agree with Wilkiemini comments.

Yes this really was a thing in years gone by and my mother told me to bite my children back if they ever bit anyone (about 13 years ago) and another mum in my first time mum group said the same about biting them back gently so they know it hurts.

Whilst I do think bringing in the police and Social Services is nuclear and far too extreme. I would get your DH to have a serious discussion with her and also ensure my child was never left alone with MIL again.

She lost her temper and retaliated in a gross abusive way.

You don't know that she lost her temper. I think everyone needs to calm down. This is not worthy of ss or the police or going nc. As others have said this is how some people discipline/d their DC.

OP just have a chat with her, tell her it's not acceptable and not to do it again. Job done.

My mother bit me as a child. I was apparently a biter and she bit me back so that I ‘didn’t do it again’. She also used to smack me and it was completely normalised. I have to work hard to override the upbringing I have had and make sure I have educated myself in how to raise my children with positive discipline because I just wasn’t raised with it.

My mother knows that I do not agree with any form of hitting, I don’t even like shouting at my children and she has been told that she has to respect my way of parenting or she will never see them. Thankfully it’s not been an issue and she is a million times more loving with them than she was with me. If she raised her hand once then I would think nothing of removing all access.

You need to think hard about this. You cannot allow a person who can hit a baby to look after your baby.

They'd never see my child again and I'd have bitten that bitch twice as hard.

It is a generational thing. The boy next door bit me as a small child and I went home crying. My mum went to their door with me in tow and my bleeding bite mark and told his mother what he had done. He was dragged to the door and smacked and then she bit him to show him that it was bad. This would be circa 1982 when we were about 3 years old.

I was once randomly bitten by a small child when I was in primary school. I was walking home for lunch and this child walked away from his front door and bit me for no reason. I kicked him hard and his mother shouted at me despite seeing him walk up and just grab me arm and bite.

As others have said this is how some people discipline/d their DC

Yes THEIR children. Not someone else's!!!

It was common practise at one time - many people did it. Obviously, not biting hard, but it was often thought that a quick (gentle) bite back was sufficient to stop a toddler biting, and honestly it often did. (My parents didn't do it, but I don't think we were bitey children anyway.)

I know an awful lot of my friends' parents did it. No one thought anything of it way back when. Your MIL isn't aware of modern childrearing techniques.

The thing that would concern me is when you say "kept on hitting".

Tell her that biting back is not considered good child rearing technique any more (even if it does work!). Then have a discussion about hitting and punishment in general.

Having free childcare is a big thing; it's worth keeping MIL onside if you possibly can.

Agree with PPs saying this is not normal behaviour or a generational thing. It does seem very ''primitive'' and regressive behaviour however for any adult. A biting adult - who does that? Also if the skin is broken - an infection may occur. Is your MIL suffering possibly from early stages of dementia? Might that explain it?

OMG that’s child abuse and absolutely unacceptable. Your poor baby. There is no justification for that ever. Babies do occasionally bite when they have sore teeth etc. They need held and loved not hurt.

Definitely a generational thing - one I was told to do by my mother and my DH family members have told their kids to do. She probably genuinely thinks its a clever mum's trick.

I said to mum very sharply that I didnt want my children being taught that the person able to inflict most pain was the winner thank you and that was that.

IMO the approach then was all about teaching people who was boss: now it's about teaching right from wrong. When it goes well anyway.

It's child abuse not a generation thing. People need to stop covering up the abuse by trying to normalise it. Actually sick.

id rather sell a kidney then let her childmind again-you let this go now and god knows what she'll do next time