What age should I tell my Son that the man he knows as dad is not his biological dad?

[Chelsea987]

My son is 8 years old. Me and the man he knows as dad got together when he was four months old. My son has not seen the sperm donor since he was a few weeks old due to domestic violence, and he was put in prison for threatening us both with a knife. He never tried to attempt to have any contact with him through court, and he has been raised by my husband as long as he can remember. The sperm donor is however on his birth certificate and one day I know I need to tell him. When is the right time to do this? Too young he might not understand- too old might cause him issues in future life so I just don’t know when or how to tell him. Any advice appreciated :)

Please tell them ASAP.

NC for this. I was told about my biological dad when I was 19, not by my mum but by my drunk aunt at my engagement party. My mum refused to speak to me about it and it really screwed me up mentally for many years. To find out everyone but me knew about it was equally humiliating and I did eventually get the truth 15 years later. When I met my biological dad, I felt like a dirty secret, then he rejected me, which spiralled me into a deep depression that required counselling and I no longer speak to my parents 8 years on.

I know what I've posted is extreme, but it is the reality of my life. Please don't make it your reality.

@NippityNopNoop when you say your 3yo wouldn't understand, that's actually part of why it's good to start talking about it now. That way, rather than being a big revelation that rocks their world, it just becomes a bit of background information they've always known about themselves. It's an ongoing process, not a one-off thing - just including it in the conversation sometimes as a completely normal thing.

So tricky. Could you talk about it in the context of how there are lots of different families. Some children have 2 mummies/daddies, some children are adopted, some children are conceived via sperm donor because their mummy wanted a child but had no partner, some children have daddies who have been there from when they were very small but did not make the child with the mummy. I don't know, something like that. I don't mean to glib or offend anyone by what I'm saying.

The man that raised me, I adore and is the best grandad to my children is not my biological father. Hes been in my life since I was around a year old. So if my mum hadn't of told me i would of been none the wiser but she did and that was never hidden from me. Do I wish she hadn't of ever told me? Yes, hes not on my BC so i wouldnt of known. Ive always felt treated differently by my mum up to my sisters, i feel like its a dirty secret that i never want my kids to find out, i feel like the odd one out.

Hi sameexperience I’d really reccomend the whole set of Shona Innes big hug books if that would work for your family. Dipping in an out of different ones as conversation starters could give you a really good idea of things your DD is puzzling out.
A Family is like a Cake is great but others are too.

Tell him straight away, my dp accidentally found out at the age of 30..it was a really horrible year. He was extremely distressed..

One of my friends accidentally found out at 12, messed him up big time. The main crisis was around 15 when he decided going beyond the silence of adoptive parents and find who his mother really was. I hold his hand the day we found her in an unmarked grave, I saw him disintegrate when he started seeing her as a victim, and getting himself away from his parents. He found one of his brothers who finally crushed him by telling him his mother was not a very nice woman, who worked as a cleaner with his adoptive parents and who one day went away and abandoned him and brother with her employers.

Proper mess all around, to be honest, I think he never recovered, despite how wonderful his “replacement” parents were before and after he knew.

Tell him ASAP.

I've seen this play out in XP's family. A "dad" who was actually a Stepdad. An "Aunty" who was actually a sister. His mum was previously married and had two kids then, so a hidden brother and sister to boot. Jeremy Kyle would have had a field day. The kids all found out when they were teenagers because someone let slip. Seriously messed them up. If no one had given it away then they would've found out looking at birth certificates and reading the names recorded. If the evidence is there waiting in black and white anyway it's better to be open about it from an early age.

My friends DD found out her dad wasnt her dad when she was 8, she hadn't seen him in about 3 weeks and her mum told her out of spite. Her DD is fine, she occasionally asks about her real dad but loves the man who is in her life now

Is this what her mum told you? IMO someone who can choose to hurt their own kids out of spite can also be very skilled at hiding the signs of such abuse. As an outsider, it is difficult to know.

My 10 yr old grandson does not no his dad is not his biological father. My daughter passed away 2.5 yrs ago. She wanted to tell my grandson before turning 8. Through the courts im not allowed to tell my grandson. To me this is so wrong. He is living in a trauma bonding relationship with his dad. He has two younger siblings to his dad. This has hurt me for years n still is.