What age should I tell my Son that the man he knows as dad is not his biological dad?

[Chelsea987]

My son is 8 years old. Me and the man he knows as dad got together when he was four months old. My son has not seen the sperm donor since he was a few weeks old due to domestic violence, and he was put in prison for threatening us both with a knife. He never tried to attempt to have any contact with him through court, and he has been raised by my husband as long as he can remember. The sperm donor is however on his birth certificate and one day I know I need to tell him. When is the right time to do this? Too young he might not understand- too old might cause him issues in future life so I just don’t know when or how to tell him. Any advice appreciated :)

[happyjack12]

as soon as possible, i found out at 18, you have no idea the damage caused.
and don't say bad things about his dad, he will wonder if he might grow up the same.
good luck :)

[avroroad]

I think the term sperm donor should be used, if correct. To do otherwise suggests it is wrong or to be hidden. A generous man wanted to help someone who couldn’t become the parent of a very special baby without his gift.

The kids father is OP abusive ex.

[Booboostwo]

I would get some professional advice on how you represent his biological dad to your DS. While I get the important point PP have made about not showing him in a poor light, inventing a story about how the biological dad made a gift of DS to his dad is also a lie and may backfire. Maybe something non-committal like "Not all relationships work out" might be better. I'd try to be prepared as well with the inevitable, it seems to me, questions from your DS as to why his biological father left him. That one will be difficult to answer while keeping the biological father in a positive light.

[zoemum2006]

As soon as possible.

My mum told me that her husband was not my biological dad at 12. Don't do that.

I was a very mature child and responded very well but I can't begin to express the rage I felt at having been lied to my whole life by everybody. I didn't express my rage but buried it down.

I am really intolerant of lying now. Pathologically so.

The whole experience was humiliating. The idea that people knew and I didn't. It embarrasses me even know.

SO PLEASE tell your child as soon as you can.

[Sparticuscaticus]

Another vote for telling him now. Brilliant time
Too as you're all stuck in together. It'd be a simple matter of fact conversation exactly as
You said it
Stepdad is your your dad and as far as he's concerned you're his son and always will be .
Your father who helped me make you isn't around and didn't stay around . He threatened you and me and was put in prison. But he is your biological father.
You have a dad who's brought you up with me and loves you
Don't leave it any longer he's old enough now to understand and it'd be far worse as a teenager when things get complicated because teenagers are cray . He'll find out then anyway so don't save yourself a problem

[Userwhatevernumber]

My goddaughter is 10 and doesn’t know that her dad is not her real dad.

My friend and her DH have no intention to ever tell her.

It makes me really uncomfortable - I feel like all family and friends who have known them since she was a baby or before - we are all now kept in this big secret about her that she doesn’t even know and it feels a bit unethical. She looks slightly different to her siblings and I just hope that one day she doesn’t find out in a sudden or difficult way.

I talked to my friend (her mother) about it years ago, about how I felt it was best she told her earlier rather than later, but I was told it was non of my business, so I left it at that and haven’t mentioned it since. She is right, it is none of my business.

However, it still makes me really worry about my goddaughter and I still believe she has a right to know the truth.

[CherryPavlova]

The kids father is OP abusive ex.
If this is the case, even more reason to trivialise but not demonise their involvement but would not use term sperm donor as not technically correct and wouldn’t call them generous.
A man who mummy used to know and like, but isn’t friends with anymore, helped her become pregnant with a special baby. I wouldn’t put abuse into the picture until he was much older and asking direct questions.

[Dyrne]

Yes agree you don’t need to go into full details now - drip more information as he gets older and can better process the details of abuse etc.

[Stinkyjellycat]

@cherrypavlova
Your adopted niece will always have known that she is adopted (or if adopted as a baby, she will have known very early). Adoption training focuses so much on the need for children to know their story and that adoption is not something that should be hidden or revealed when a child is older. As other posts have said, finding out that the man you believe to be your dad is not your biological father is likely to be hugely traumatising. The OP needs to tell her son ASAP but it needs to be done very carefully and the adults in his life need to understand that the fallout from this will last way beyond the initial conversation.

OP - although your situation is different, you might find it useful to talk to people on the adoption board about the conversations they have had with their children and ask for advice from people who have had to support their children in coming to terms with difficult stories about their biological parents.

[BuffaloCauliflower]

@MrsPerks @Neome the child is not donor conceived, the OP makes that clear if you read it

[CoronaIsComing]

I was going to say about 3... but that moment has long gone. He needed to have always grown up with this knowledge in the back of his mind. DS (10) has an adult sibling that he hasn’t seen since he was 3. Periodically, I remind him of this as he forgets but at least the knowledge is in there somewhere!

[Qgardens]

Yep, I think you've already left it too late for it not to be a shock.
Going forward I have no idea. It probably depends on the personality of the child.

[3rdNamechange]

I don't think I'd sugar coat it 'special gift' or anything but also wouldn't mention abuse or prison , he'll be frightened.
Just the relationship didn't work but Daddy loves you and wanted to look after you. Good luck.

[Clymene]

The dad is not a sperm donor @CherryPavlova. At least read the OP properly FGS

[mummmy2017]

I'd tell him with his daddy
Ask him if he knows about babies.
Just tell him sometimes the man who helps make the baby is not the same as the daddy.
That this happened with him.
Then let it go and see what he wants to know.

[CherryPavlova]

How rude Clymene . I think you possibly haven’t read the thread.

[CovoidanceMechanism]

Dear BuffaloCauliflower, I understand that this is not a Donor Conception situation.

My suggestion to the OP was to look at the books DCN produce to aid family discussion. In my opinion they offer a useful approach to explaining family makeuo to a child.

I also suggested some other books written for all kinds of families such as The Big Book of Families and Welcome to the Family. Possibly published by Usborne and Barefoot - sorry can't look up right now.

[wonderrotunda]

@ mummmy2017 that’s a nice gentle way

[Clymene]

Personally I think it's ruder to not read the OP but there you are

[YRGAM]

If you think it's acceptable to use the term sperm donor for a biological father of a naturally conceived child, regardless of how much of a dick he is, then you are genuinely insane.

[YRGAM]

When talking to a four year old, I should add

[Persipan]

As the parent of a donor-conceived child, I would ask you not to refer to your child's biological father as a sperm donor - not just not to him, but not at all. It denigrates the sincere gift given by genuine gamete donors, and it's not at all accurate. Please don't do that.

I agree with others that ideally, you'd have incorporated the information into his life so early on that he never had to have some big revelatory moment about it, but you are where you are and it's very understandable how the situation came about.

Broadly, I'd say that sooner is better, but given the current unsettling lockdown situation I'd be a little cautious about telling him right this minute. I would recommend taking some specialist advice (perhaps from someone knowledgeable about child psychology) to help you determine how and when you'd like to tell him, with a particular focus on ensuring you find an appropriate way to describe his biological father. That's really important given the circumstances - you need to find a balance that will be understandable to your child without messing too much with his sense of self.

Best of luck!

[LizzieBananas]

Do you know any step families? Relatives? School friends? Or same-sex couples where clearly only one is a biological parent?

Start with that.

[cauliflowersqueeze]

Don’t tell him dad was abusive and in prison etc. Just say you didn’t get along very well and (new partner) was desperate to be his dad and loved him so much from the second he met him. Explain that a dad is a person who loves and looks after you and that is what (new partner) does. Let him keep calling him dad. Refer to the ex as “your biological father” rather than “your real dad” etc.

If you tell him too much about his biological dad then he will believe that 50% of him could be doomed to being a violent prisoner.

I would keep it a bit casual, like on a walk or something. And then leave it and see if he asks you questions about him. Would you be ready to show him a photo for example? He might want to know where he is. Belmarsh wouldn’t be a good answer. But he may be interested in getting in touch with him, or he might just not want to talk about it.

You could always say that you’ve completely lost contact and leave it at that for the moment. I think as an 8 year old (any age?) I might prefer to think of it as a guy who was fleetingly in my mum’s life rather than a psycho who battered her to bits and is now in a cell somewhere.

Good luck.

[Onceuponatimethen]

I understand why people are saying not to mention abuse but there are very sound reasons why adoptive parents are strongly advised to drip feed that from the earliest years. Even toddlers are told eg parents couldn’t keep you safe. This is for a no nor of reasons:

1. it is true and children have the right to an age appropriate version of their life story
   
   
2. otherwise children may build a false narrative of why birth parent(a) are not there and think it is something the child themselves did that caused them to be rejected
   
   
3. Children can build a false narrative of the missing parent, in teen years they theN can search for that parent Secretly on social media. This is dangerous both physically and emotionally
   
   
4. They will have to find out eventually eg when they ask you the story and/or tell you they want to contact the missing parent. If you haven’t drip fed over the years the big reveal can be very traumatic and shocking for teens / young adults
   
   
   Definitely get some professional help if you can