What age should I tell my Son that the man he knows as dad is not his biological dad?

[Chelsea987]

My son is 8 years old. Me and the man he knows as dad got together when he was four months old. My son has not seen the sperm donor since he was a few weeks old due to domestic violence, and he was put in prison for threatening us both with a knife. He never tried to attempt to have any contact with him through court, and he has been raised by my husband as long as he can remember. The sperm donor is however on his birth certificate and one day I know I need to tell him. When is the right time to do this? Too young he might not understand- too old might cause him issues in future life so I just don’t know when or how to tell him. Any advice appreciated :)

For a number of reasons

Agree now. Should have always known but do not leave it until he is teens. Be prepared to be honest about his dad in terms of showing him pictures and what he was like. But why you are not with him etc - just appropriate for his age but full honesty

8 is already too old I think to be dropping this bombshell into the child's life. Seek advice from a qualified child therapist into how best to do it ASAP and answer any questions/deal with the emotions which follow.

There is a really good thread here in terms of why adopted children are told about their beginnings honestly (even abuse) in an age appropriate way www.mumsnet.com/Talk/adoptions/3760642-life-story-talk-guidance

It recommends a book with model conversations - literally how you may want to put things, for each age. By Renee Wolf. You might find this useful and be able to adopt some of the conversations.

Adapt some of the conversations

Nrtft, so apologies if I've missed something.

To the pp who mentioned @Antipodeancousin probably could have been a bit more tactful, but raised some good points, having been in the same situation. What she is saying overall, is for the OP not to tell her son he MUST to be secretive about it (or ashamed).

Also, agree with pp who said the OP should not to refer to the boys father as a sperm donor etc (I'm assuming he wasn't actually a sperm donor) unless he was. When he gets older he can know more detail about the biological father.

I've got no experience with these things but would think if she does tell him soon, to just tell him the basic facts then add to it later. Also, there is no immediate rush, but timing is key a bit, because I wouldn't think it would be a good idea to tell him near to going back to school, and if they do go back wait until the start of the holidays.

I don't think the OP can never tell him, that won't work, because he will probably find out anyway, when he's an adult if not before. It's a very difficult position to be in, and from the few posts I read, the general consensus was to tell him now.

That's excellent advice @Onceuponatimethen

Really this should have been discussed in an age appropriate way from day one.

My son is adopted but young enough not to have conscious memories of me not being his Dad. From very early on I spoke about his birth parents, I have some pictures of his birth mum (but sadly know nothing about his birth dad) that are in his life story book, he has others in a draw in his bedroom that he sometimes looks at.

In an age appropriate way (he’s five in June) he knows why his birth mum couldn’t look after him, he knows that she hurt him and he will sometimes point to a scar and say how it happened. It’s really important that he is told the truth, people who keep you safe tell the truth. An eight year old is more than able to know in an age appropriate way if a birth parent was abusive etc.

A big thing is the better the understanding of sex the easier it is, my son has known how babies are made for about a year, this has made it easier for him to understand that he has a birth mum and a birth dad.

You have to remember child cope with things very differently compared to adults, my son regularly pops up with a question about his birth parents, usually at the most awkward time possible, he will also tell other people little snippets of information. A couple of weeks ago he got out a picture of his birth mum and explained (fairly accurately) who she was to my boyfriend. Children need to know they can say/ask things when it suits them, even if it is a bit awkward for us.

There are lots of good resources online for life story work. We have a book I have made, sometimes I read it with my son, sometimes he looks on his own, sometimes he shows other people, I keep it upto date so the main focus is on us rather than the main focus being on his birth parents.

I never knew my biological father, but I knew from a very early age that the man I called ‘dad’, and who was my siblings’ biological father, was not my father. It also helped me to understand why I was so different from my siblings (height, build, hair, academic ability).

My advice would be to tell the boy ASAP, and prepare yourself for a variety of different responses. From personal experience, he may take it on board, but not appear particularly bothered by it. If so, do not make a massive deal of it or start informing wider family, schools, authorities, getting counselling etc etc. He may not want to be singled out as being in any way ‘different’. If he doesn’t want you to make an issue if it , respect his wishes. Let him process it in his own way.

If he does seem upset or worried, obviously you will need to proceed differently.

Good luck.

You should have told him years ago and you’ve screwed up as a parent are pointless and unhelpful comments. She didn’t really ask what she should have done she’s asking what she should do now 🤔

One more thing : you should definitely not use the term ‘real dad’ to describe the biological father. It would grant him a status he has not earned and does not deserve.

Tell him ASAP, would be my advice, I found out my dad wasn’t my bio dad, completely by accident as a young teen.

I would hate that to happen to anyone else.

We told my (step) son when he was 7, and I had the distinct impression that we'd left it too late. We didn't actively hide the fact from him, rather realised that it was probably never going to crop up in day to day conversation.

Thankfully he didn't really care one way or another and he found it very boring. Typically I do face the odd "you're not my dad" comments when I tell him off, which is probably the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me, but I don't expect him to be grateful - what teenager is?

I am in a very similar situation OP,

My children are 5 and 3 and DP has been involved in their lives since my 3 year old was 8 months old. They both call him daddy and he is all they know, they dont remember my ex, he isn't allowed to do text or communicate with me or the children due to the DV and the kids dont have a clue he exists atm.

I am planning on telling them when my eldest is around 7/8. Fortunatly for me I have a step dad and a biological dad who my children saw often before the lockdown - so having 2 dads isnt a strange concept for my children

I will be telling them in a child friendly manner the facts of it, he wasnt a nice man and the police said he has to stay away from us because he hurt mummy,

I don't think it will affect my children overall, they love DP and he loves them

do text or communicate with that was meant to be contact or communicate with

I would have told him at 3 years old, you need to tell him as soon as possible, the longer you wait the more damaging it can be.

Straight away. Now. Never lie to your children, it causes untold damage to a relationship and I have several examples. Really you should have started telling him years ago.

The issue is not so much about how nice stepdad is not their dad but what kind of person is the other parent.

The younger they are the less puzzling they find it, the less questions or interest they have or even, the less potential to idealise a parent who doesn’t exist as they imagine him.

@NippityNopNoop - don't do that. Tell them now. It's tremendously unsettling for children to have the foundations of their world rocked like that.

Tell them now - they are young enough for it to feel like it's something they've always known. Leaving it will not benefit them in the slightest.

Clymene It would benefit no one telling them now, my 3 year old wouldnt understand at all and I don't want to tell my 5 year old about her abusive father yet

I dont think it will rock the foundations of their world at 6 & 8, nothing in their life will change when they do get told. They will have questions but their not going to be traumatised. I think if I waited until they were teenagers it definetly would make a massive difference but at 6 & 8 I don't think they will be bothered about not knowing for a few years,

My friends DD found out her dad wasnt her dad when she was 8, she hadn't seen him in about 3 weeks and her mum told her out of spite. Her DD is fine, she occasionally asks about her real dad but loves the man who is in her life now

It would benefit no one telling them now,

Everything I've ever read suggests that it's bettwr to always know than for it to ever be a secret. You dont have to tell them all the details just explain in an age appropriate way then as they get older you can add more information as they ask questions.

This would also be the advice I would have given to the OP. She really needs to let her son know as soon as possible.

All the evidence - from adoption organisations and donor gamete ones - indicate that children should be told in an age appropriate way as soon as they are able to understand @NippityNopNoop. Have a look at the link @Onceuponatimethen posted. You can just tell your children that their father was not a very kind man and so you were really lucky to meet [daddy] who is a brilliant daddy to them and aren't they lucky?

They will accept it as their reality and then there never needs to be a big reveal.

Their origins belong to them - it's not your secret to keep from them

I'd defiantly suggest telling him ASAP - I hope it goes well for you OP 🤍

@NippityNopNoop My now four year old understood why he couldn’t live with his birth parents as a three year old. Children who have been told when older are more likely to suffer trauma, they are also more likely to struggle to form relationships as the people closest to them have continually lied to them. It’s one of the major reasons that adopted children are told from day one, society has learned from the awful mistakes of not telling children until they are older. By older I mean around 8, not the extremes of teenage.

You can of course choose to ignore years of research, but by doing so you are choosing to expose your children to trauma, stress, confusion and you’re also increasing the likelihood that will no longer trust people.

The definition of bad parenting.