What age should I tell my Son that the man he knows as dad is not his biological dad?

[Chelsea987]

My son is 8 years old. Me and the man he knows as dad got together when he was four months old. My son has not seen the sperm donor since he was a few weeks old due to domestic violence, and he was put in prison for threatening us both with a knife. He never tried to attempt to have any contact with him through court, and he has been raised by my husband as long as he can remember. The sperm donor is however on his birth certificate and one day I know I need to tell him. When is the right time to do this? Too young he might not understand- too old might cause him issues in future life so I just don’t know when or how to tell him. Any advice appreciated :)

May I slightly disagree Spanglebangle?

I realise you may be upset by a family situation that hurt you and I am sorry if that's the case.

Many of the really important messages about love, belonging and identity in a family aren't dependent on genetically sophisticated understanding. It sounds like those important messages have been well communicated.

It is possible for the OP to tell her son quite honestly that it was very difficult and upsetting for her when he was little and she didn't get any advice to help her figure out what to say ir books to help her.

She can take adult responsibility and say she's really sorry not to have been able to figure it out earlier so her son has the emotional space for whatever his initial reaction may be. It could be dramatic or a shrug.

People haven't always known about genetics the way they do now.

@Antipodeancousin what an incredibly cruel thing to say to someone! Yes, its not ideal, but it's done now and can't be helped.

I think you need to take a couple of steps back and a good look at yourself, you seem to be letting your own childhood colour your judgement here. OP is not your mother. Perhaps get some therapy rather than spewing vitriol at strangers online looking for help?

avoroad you're right about DCN in a way but there's also a lot of wisdom and years of experience about ways of telking and consequences of various decisions.

The books aren't directly relevant to the OP but might help her think about a true and kind way of telling their family story.

I also agree that you should have already told him so the best thing is to tell him ASAP. Maybe get some professional advice on how to do this, but do not use the term 'sperm donor'. It's confusing even for people on this thread who have assumed you used a sperm donation service. I assume you mean that you were in a relationship with your DS's biological father, which broke down when DS was too young to remember him. So you are using 'sperm donor' ironically which your DS will not grasp.

My dd always knew but still sees my ex as her dad as he’s all she’s ever known. We were together from when she was 2 for 10 years.

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow and Antipodeancousin

I'm sure you are both wishing this family the best.

It is a good point to reflect on the fact that this little boy has paternal genetic heritage that no doubt includes people generations back who had great qualities and talents. No doubt his father also has or had redeeming qualities and potential for a good life when he was himself a small child.
That doesn't make him a safe person to be around now though of course.

I’m another who thinks you should have brought this up previously, but sooner the better.

Do you have children with your husband now? Be prepared for some difficult questions about that.

Have you never done any Sort of family tree type of work? They usually do this in nursery or reception classes.

I am afraid that I think it's possibly already too late to limit issues.
I would perhaps get oh to try and drop it into a conversation rather than a big reveal. Or perhaps look at baby photos and mention. So then he can then decide whether to ask for more information.

I think you need to tell him as soon as possible. I would have just mentioned it every now and again as he was growing up so it wasn’t a shock, my Goddaughter is in the same position but has always known her Dad isn’t her biological father, it doesn’t bother her and she hasn’t asked questions yet. (she’s 13). The longer you leave it the bigger the problems you will face. X

You should have been honest with him from the start saying things like this is your second daddy. You need to tell him ASAP. I feel for you as for my son this was a difficult age. Good luck.

With the likes of 23andme and other services like that I thinking not telling your son about his biological father isn't a choice.

I would tell him but would probably wait until life was a little more normal after the Coronavirus - at least until he has his friends around him again. Otherwise he might be wondering what other bombshell is coming next.

You’re about 8 years too late but, as you can’t turn back time, you need to tell him ASAP.

Why have you let him think a man who isn’t his dad is for 8 years?

Your way to late telling him, tell him ASAP.

You're giving him a 1 way ticket to mentally messing him up.

Excellent post from Babdoc
I would reiterate the thoughts of a pp that it’s really important that he feels his biological father was a good person. This is half of him. If he gets even a whiff of his biological father being unkind or difficult or unreliable let alone abusive he may tar himself with the same brush. Perhaps think of a gentler reason that you split up. That his dad loves him will be evident to adults but again maybe when his dad met you and your child he realised he loved you both and wanted you both in his life to share his future

Is he close to his dad's parents/siblings? Aunts and Uncles etc on his dad's 'side'?
I think you need to make them aware that you will be telling DS about his parentage and have them prepared for the initial shock this will be to your ds.
No-one knows how he will react. He may need extra reassurance and time with other relatives to be able to talk things over (often someone outside of the immediate family unit is less intense) or it may mean others need to give him a little bit of space for him to process this.

@BuffaloCauliflower
I would never use the term sperm donor to a child obviously

@Antipodeancousin never asked for your opinion on me as a parent- u know one small aspect about my parenting and think you have the right to judge me. No parent is perfect- yourself included

Thanks to everyone with productive advice it has been helpful

Tell him now. This morning, before lunch. Daughter of 2 men here - one brought me up and the biological father who was a fling. Have always known and it has never been a problem. Remember it being discussed aged approx 6/7 as a sort of 'reminder' chat while we were pottering around the house.
Tell him now, mention it again in a few months when something about parents comes on telly, etc.
Pitch it as a lighthearted but important fact of life. He was a gift from someone to you and your DH. We don't see that person and we are a 'real' family as we are. Then 'are we having beans on toast for lunch or ham sandwiches'.

When you do tell him, I would advise telling his school as well. They will have ELSA trained specialists who can provide emotional support should he need it. They will also be more understanding of any behavioural changes that may take place as he processes it. Obviously we are not in school right now but I'd let them know before he goes back. They may be able to offer remote support too if needed.

He should always have known 😩😩 but yes agree with pp recommendations for books.

I agree this is a difficult situation as usual advice is to drip feed it from earliest toddler years. But I can completely see why that was very hard for you.

But finding the best way to deal with it is still important and I think telling him now is going to be important. Telling him carefully and with some degree of honesty and in gentle stages also vital.

I think a few things are going to have to be communicated:

1. being a dad is about being one of your forever parents. Dad has looked after him since he was tiny and is his forever dad and thinks he is wonderful! But is not his bio dad

2. in some families the dad who is the biological dad isn’t able to keep their child safe. That was the case with his dad, who couldn’t look after him safely.

3. then dad met him and mum and he became his forever dad.

I appreciate it might seem awful to have to tell him an age appropriate version of the dv (Albeit with no details) but you have to be too honest because otherwise he may build up a fantasy version of his RL dad and with modern social media try to get in touch with him online without knowing the real truth

You have to be honest I meant

I've name changed just to reply to this post, as I think you're getting a harsh time OP and my previous posts and what I'm about to say here would be quite revealing.

Anyway, in short, I'm in the same boat. I have an 8yo DD, soon to be 9 who thinks someone else is her dad. Her biological dad decided, at the age of 23, that he wasn't ready to be a father. As I was already a single mum at that stage to a 3yo DD I knew I could do it alone, so that's what I did. Her fathers mum (paternal grandparent) reached out to me just after DD was born to say she was devastated this was the decision her son had made, but she had to respect his wishes and basically said her goodbyes. There has been no contact since.

I met my partner when DD2 was 11 months. We moved in together after two years, but DD2 is the only man she has known. Due to us not living together when she first started to talk, she does actually call him by his given name, and not dad, most probably because that's what her sister calls him. Her older sister knows her dad, but also doesn't see him either so both girls have been raised by me, and then by my partner when he moved in. I have noticed however that my DD2 does refer to him as "dad" when talking to other people about him, particularly her school friends.

DD2 has never asked why she calls him by his given name and not dad. And I think until she does, we won't get into the detail. My DD2 is a very young 8. There is no way she would grasp the facts of life, or processing that her biological father was too young. Her elder sister knows that my partner isn't either of their dads, but has never shared this with her sister.

So in short, I think everyone saying you've lied, you're creating issues may have their own experiences. And that's fine. Alls I know is for now, it is not the right time to tell my DD2. She's fine, she's loved, she doesn't have a family out there ready to embrace her as they've never reached out. I know my daughter inside out, and I know now isn't the right time. And I believe only you will know what's best for your son, no single piece of advice on here will be a best-fit option

You should of done it a long time ago .
ASAP

I think you should ignore people telling you unkindly that you’ve screwed up and it’s all doom and gloom. No reason not to help him understand now without huge psychological consequences.

Our adopted niece is one of the most secure and well balanced young women I know. Not quite the same but the assumption anything a bit different is traumatic is nonsense. Unkind families or breaking up of established relationships is much harder, I imagine.

I think the term sperm donor should be used, if correct. To do otherwise suggests it is wrong or to be hidden. A generous man wanted to help someone who couldn’t become the parent of a very special baby without his gift.

Your father is the man who has raised you, sat beside you when you are unwell, cheered you on at sports day, read to you, given you piggy backs and taught you to swim. A sperm cell can’t replace that but can make it possible.