What age should I tell my Son that the man he knows as dad is not his biological dad?

[Chelsea987]

My son is 8 years old. Me and the man he knows as dad got together when he was four months old. My son has not seen the sperm donor since he was a few weeks old due to domestic violence, and he was put in prison for threatening us both with a knife. He never tried to attempt to have any contact with him through court, and he has been raised by my husband as long as he can remember. The sperm donor is however on his birth certificate and one day I know I need to tell him. When is the right time to do this? Too young he might not understand- too old might cause him issues in future life so I just don’t know when or how to tell him. Any advice appreciated :)

[TheMotherofAllDilemmas]

My friends DD found out her dad wasnt her dad when she was 8, she hadn't seen him in about 3 weeks and her mum told her out of spite. Her DD is fine, she occasionally asks about her real dad but loves the man who is in her life now

Is this what her mum told you? IMO someone who can choose to hurt their own kids out of spite can also be very skilled at hiding the signs of such abuse. As an outsider, it is difficult to know.

[indemMUND]

I've seen this play out in XP's family. A "dad" who was actually a Stepdad. An "Aunty" who was actually a sister. His mum was previously married and had two kids then, so a hidden brother and sister to boot. Jeremy Kyle would have had a field day. The kids all found out when they were teenagers because someone let slip. Seriously messed them up. If no one had given it away then they would've found out looking at birth certificates and reading the names recorded. If the evidence is there waiting in black and white anyway it's better to be open about it from an early age.

[TheMotherofAllDilemmas]

One of my friends accidentally found out at 12, messed him up big time. The main crisis was around 15 when he decided going beyond the silence of adoptive parents and find who his mother really was. I hold his hand the day we found her in an unmarked grave, I saw him disintegrate when he started seeing her as a victim, and getting himself away from his parents. He found one of his brothers who finally crushed him by telling him his mother was not a very nice woman, who worked as a cleaner with his adoptive parents and who one day went away and abandoned him and brother with her employers.

Proper mess all around, to be honest, I think he never recovered, despite how wonderful his “replacement” parents were before and after he knew.

Tell him ASAP.

[Blondefancy]

Tell him straight away, my dp accidentally found out at the age of 30..it was a really horrible year. He was extremely distressed..

[Neome]

Hi sameexperience I’d really reccomend the whole set of Shona Innes big hug books if that would work for your family. Dipping in an out of different ones as conversation starters could give you a really good idea of things your DD is puzzling out.
A Family is like a Cake is great but others are too.

[Gin4thewin]

The man that raised me, I adore and is the best grandad to my children is not my biological father. Hes been in my life since I was around a year old. So if my mum hadn't of told me i would of been none the wiser but she did and that was never hidden from me. Do I wish she hadn't of ever told me? Yes, hes not on my BC so i wouldnt of known. Ive always felt treated differently by my mum up to my sisters, i feel like its a dirty secret that i never want my kids to find out, i feel like the odd one out.

[HotCrossBungle]

So tricky. Could you talk about it in the context of how there are lots of different families. Some children have 2 mummies/daddies, some children are adopted, some children are conceived via sperm donor because their mummy wanted a child but had no partner, some children have daddies who have been there from when they were very small but did not make the child with the mummy. I don't know, something like that. I don't mean to glib or offend anyone by what I'm saying.

[Persipan]

@NippityNopNoop when you say your 3yo wouldn't understand, that's actually part of why it's good to start talking about it now. That way, rather than being a big revelation that rocks their world, it just becomes a bit of background information they've always known about themselves. It's an ongoing process, not a one-off thing - just including it in the conversation sometimes as a completely normal thing.

[Babacrook]

Please tell them ASAP.

NC for this. I was told about my biological dad when I was 19, not by my mum but by my drunk aunt at my engagement party. My mum refused to speak to me about it and it really screwed me up mentally for many years. To find out everyone but me knew about it was equally humiliating and I did eventually get the truth 15 years later. When I met my biological dad, I felt like a dirty secret, then he rejected me, which spiralled me into a deep depression that required counselling and I no longer speak to my parents 8 years on.

I know what I've posted is extreme, but it is the reality of my life. Please don't make it your reality.

[Yoshinori]

The definition of bad parenting.

[SimonJT]

@NippityNopNoop My now four year old understood why he couldn’t live with his birth parents as a three year old. Children who have been told when older are more likely to suffer trauma, they are also more likely to struggle to form relationships as the people closest to them have continually lied to them. It’s one of the major reasons that adopted children are told from day one, society has learned from the awful mistakes of not telling children until they are older. By older I mean around 8, not the extremes of teenage.

You can of course choose to ignore years of research, but by doing so you are choosing to expose your children to trauma, stress, confusion and you’re also increasing the likelihood that will no longer trust people.

[momtoolliex]

I'd defiantly suggest telling him ASAP - I hope it goes well for you OP 🤍

[Clymene]

All the evidence - from adoption organisations and donor gamete ones - indicate that children should be told in an age appropriate way as soon as they are able to understand @NippityNopNoop. Have a look at the link @Onceuponatimethen posted. You can just tell your children that their father was not a very kind man and so you were really lucky to meet [daddy] who is a brilliant daddy to them and aren't they lucky?

They will accept it as their reality and then there never needs to be a big reveal.

Their origins belong to them - it's not your secret to keep from them

[TinySleepThief]

It would benefit no one telling them now,

Everything I've ever read suggests that it's bettwr to always know than for it to ever be a secret. You dont have to tell them all the details just explain in an age appropriate way then as they get older you can add more information as they ask questions.

This would also be the advice I would have given to the OP. She really needs to let her son know as soon as possible.

[NippityNopNoop]

Clymene It would benefit no one telling them now, my 3 year old wouldnt understand at all and I don't want to tell my 5 year old about her abusive father yet

I dont think it will rock the foundations of their world at 6 & 8, nothing in their life will change when they do get told. They will have questions but their not going to be traumatised. I think if I waited until they were teenagers it definetly would make a massive difference but at 6 & 8 I don't think they will be bothered about not knowing for a few years,

My friends DD found out her dad wasnt her dad when she was 8, she hadn't seen him in about 3 weeks and her mum told her out of spite. Her DD is fine, she occasionally asks about her real dad but loves the man who is in her life now

[Clymene]

@NippityNopNoop - don't do that. Tell them now. It's tremendously unsettling for children to have the foundations of their world rocked like that.

Tell them now - they are young enough for it to feel like it's something they've always known. Leaving it will not benefit them in the slightest.

[TheMotherofAllDilemmas]

The issue is not so much about how nice stepdad is not their dad but what kind of person is the other parent.

The younger they are the less puzzling they find it, the less questions or interest they have or even, the less potential to idealise a parent who doesn’t exist as they imagine him.

[madcatladyforever]

Straight away. Now. Never lie to your children, it causes untold damage to a relationship and I have several examples. Really you should have started telling him years ago.

[TheMotherofAllDilemmas]

I would have told him at 3 years old, you need to tell him as soon as possible, the longer you wait the more damaging it can be.

[NippityNopNoop]

do text or communicate with that was meant to be contact or communicate with

[NippityNopNoop]

I am in a very similar situation OP,

My children are 5 and 3 and DP has been involved in their lives since my 3 year old was 8 months old. They both call him daddy and he is all they know, they dont remember my ex, he isn't allowed to do text or communicate with me or the children due to the DV and the kids dont have a clue he exists atm.

I am planning on telling them when my eldest is around 7/8. Fortunatly for me I have a step dad and a biological dad who my children saw often before the lockdown - so having 2 dads isnt a strange concept for my children

I will be telling them in a child friendly manner the facts of it, he wasnt a nice man and the police said he has to stay away from us because he hurt mummy,

I don't think it will affect my children overall, they love DP and he loves them

[c3pu]

We told my (step) son when he was 7, and I had the distinct impression that we'd left it too late. We didn't actively hide the fact from him, rather realised that it was probably never going to crop up in day to day conversation.

Thankfully he didn't really care one way or another and he found it very boring. Typically I do face the odd "you're not my dad" comments when I tell him off, which is probably the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me, but I don't expect him to be grateful - what teenager is?

[Roselilly36]

Tell him ASAP, would be my advice, I found out my dad wasn’t my bio dad, completely by accident as a young teen.

I would hate that to happen to anyone else.

[AgeLikeWine]

One more thing : you should definitely not use the term ‘real dad’ to describe the biological father. It would grant him a status he has not earned and does not deserve.

[SS1987]

You should have told him years ago and you’ve screwed up as a parent are pointless and unhelpful comments. She didn’t really ask what she should have done she’s asking what she should do now 🤔