Men at baby groups...

[Foxmuffin]

I might be BU but I’ve got a 3 month old baby and have been going to a few baby groups. I find it a bit off putting when partners/husbands join Mum and baby. I totally understand that women who have had sections will need help driving and possibly lifting things but have also know partners drop off and find a pub/cafe for the hour groups go on.

I’m EBF and I’ve been to a group of 9 where I was the only one BFing, with groups of new mums I feel comfortable just getting my boob out to feed, but when babies are on the bottle with men there I feel a bit uncomfortable and it kind of spoils it for me. I suppose if their partner is BFing I feel a bit more like they’ll understand. Please understand I’m not looking down at FF, it’s more that if Mum’s OH is used to seeing BFing and babies feeding for comfort for what can sometimes feel like most the group I feel they’ll understand.

My own DH went back to work after a week so I’ve been doing all these things on my own for some time. He has never been one to pander over either of us so I’ve had to do the food shop etc myself and get on without support (actually a little pandering would have been nice, but he’s not like that).

I’m probably being self conscious, I don’t mind feeding in public but in enclosed spaces I feel the need to be more discreet which then spoils baby bonding time which is why I go to these classes.

I understand why you are being self conscious but honestly, most of the Dads are just interested in what is going on with their new babies groups. After going once they'll likely find it boring.

As long as they aren't being leering or condescending I think I'd find it kind of sweet.

Is there another room like an office you could nip into for feeding if you're really uncomfortable?

YABVU. Men have just as much right to be there as you. I used to like seeing some dads there; aren't we supposed to be trying to make things more equal?

You're being unreasonable.

I had severe PND so DH was off for three months after DD was born. He took her to baby groups alone and once I was feeling better, I started going with him to build up my confidence. I could never have gone alone.

I'm sorry that your DH hasn't been particularly hands on or supportive, and it's great that you didn't feel you needed it, but some mums really do. And quite aside from that, they're parent and baby groups. Both parents are and should be welcome to attend.

I understand why you feel self conscious, but it will fade over time. Any dads there are unlikely to be paying enough attention to you to care tbh.

I feel quite strongly on this matter tbh as my OH was a stay at home dad for DD1 from 6 weeks because I had to go back to work. He was often made to feel unwelcome at 'mum' and baby groups and I think it's atrocious. It's a support group for new parents, and we should be encouraging dads to take as active a role as mums do without feeling like they are being pushed out because they are male.

Can you find a separate space to breastfeed in if you feel particularly uncomfortable?

It’s sort of odd to me that couples go anyway!

I assumed they were for parents of young babies who were at home with them.

YABU to yourself by feeling self-conscious, it’s perfectly fine for you to feed your child! I’d just get on with it if I were you.

I can assure you the men feel far more uncomfortable than you! My husband gritted his teeth to overcome this type of reaction to his presence at baby group. So disappointing and saddening to read. I'm sure your feeding will likely go unnoticed as the man will be far too focussed on his own child.

I think as it's a baby group, the fact that you might be breast feeding a baby will probably be taken as read by most people - even the men.
Just get on with it without making a fuss and no-one will even notice.

I think YABU, sorry. I think it's lovely that dads come to classes and they are positively encouraged at the classes we go to. I don't think they'll be interested in whether you are breastfeeding or not, and will be paying attention to their own children not your boobs! I go to quite a few classes where there are dads there and there are always women breastfeeding/bottle feeding. In fact one of the dads always comes round with the plate of biscuits when we are all feeding.

I do understand feeling self conscious, but that's not really a reason for dads not to be welcomed at classes. There are specific breastfeeding groups that might make you feel a bit more comfortable, but dads have just as much right to enjoy classes with their children as you do.

It's sad you feel like this OP. I know bf'ing is hard at first but these groups are fo both parents and I personally think it's fantastic that there are dads getting stuck in and going to them.

Why not try la leche league meetings or specifically mum & baby groups?

I have quite bad anxiety and having OH there is so helpful for the first few times.

Some dads don't just take a few weeks off if their partner has a section birth. They actually parent their children as much as mothers do and take them to parent and toddler groups for the fun of it.

I'm sorry you feel uncomfortable breastfeeding around men whether they understand breastfeeding or not. No man or woman has the right to object to you breastfeeding but this also means if you feel uncomfortable with people in a public place the onus is on you to move to a more discrete place-not expect dads to stop attending a baby group.

I personally think it’s great that so many Dads are joining and they have every bit as much right to be there as mothers. You really don’t need to be self conscious feeding, surely the same applies if you’re out for the day or in a restaurant etc. Do you have a shawl/cover so that boob isn’t actually out on show if that’s what makes you feel uncomfortable?

Yabu. I'm seeing more dads at baby groups this past year than I did even 3 years ago. It's great they're getting involved. I can understand why BF makes you feel self-conscious but you shouldn't necessarily expect to only do it in single-sex spaces - society needs to bloody well get used to it!

sometimes men can’t do wrong for doing right can they! Getting involved in things is apparently wrong to some yet not getting involved is also wrong!

Some baby groups are run by men. I’m sorry you feel this way, but I think it’s your issue not there’s, and my opinion is that it is brilliant when dad’s want to be more involved like this.

But they're not 'classes' -- the OP says they are baby groups, which I took to mean social events for support and friendship rather than teaching ones.
If they are specifically mother and baby groups then she is NBU, but if they are parent(s) and baby I'm afraid she'll have to grin and bear it or find other groups that suit her better.

YAB massively U

My DH was a SAHD for a year and he was excluded routinely. I felt so sad for him. If we want to have a more equitable work / life thing going on for women, then we can't exclude men from baby groups.

YABU
Dad's have as much right to be there. My dh would come along with us as a family outing. He now takes dd to the baby/toddler group on his own as I'm back to work.
Your view could make men feel very isolated and unwanted.
I'm sure they would have plenty to look at than look at you bf!

You are presumably not going to baby groups every day and would think you could put up with the men for a short while. If not, don't go! It's not compulsory. Go to a mother and toddler group later and otherwise mix with friends.

Dads have as much right to attend such groups as mums.

I can see I have divided opinions! What’s clear is there’s lots of emotion for new mums and reasons for wanting their partners there with them. But surely with that should come some understanding that my feelings are no less valid? I didn’t get the choice of having DH support, he needed to get back to work and that would have been the same irrespective of my feelings. I’ve not touched on my own emotional state so it’s an assumption to think I’m emotionally balanced because DH isn’t joining me. He can’t.

Really reassuring to hear those who have said the men won’t care, thank you.

Also I get it’s great dads are hands on and those whose partners are able to support them taking comfort in that.

I do go to BF support groups and feel comfortable feeding and chatting which is lovely. That’s why I go to these groups really, to get out the house and socialise. If I fed somewhere different I’d be wasting my money and would sometimes miss out on most the group. So it would defeat the object for me.

Thanks for your responses it’s good to hear the other-side too so I can get some insight.

YABU

If you feel self conscious ask a member of staff for somewhere private to feed the baby,

Baby groups are for both mums and dads.

Perhaps find groups oriented for breastfeeding mums ? I certainly went to a couple back in the days, but no shared parental leave so very rare to see dad's around

You are being very unreasonable. My DH took our DS to class every week because he wanted to and enjoyed doing something new with him.
Dads have just as much right to be there as mums, grandparents etc.

I think you already know that of course it’s a bit unreasonable to object to Father’s attending baby groups. It’s a bit dark ages thinking isn’t it and makes single fathers or SAHF unwelcome.

What do mean by your husband doesn't 'pander' to you? Is 'pandering' his word or yours? Is he expecting you to do everything you did before you had a baby without his input because he 'goes to work'?